hi - I am new to this. Found out 4 months ago that my H had a 5 month A while he was away on business. He wants to stay and make this work but I can't seem to find a way to get past it. Reading some of your messages makes me realize I'm not the only one out there. I told him and the therapist that before I called it quits for good I would try to find a support group so I could talk to other people who have been through this. I truly believe only people who have had this done to them can understand the pain. I'm hoping to find some answers here that I can't seem to find anywhere else, mostly how to let the anger go. Any suggestions...
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Welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry you needed to find us under this situation.

Letting go of the anger comes with time. It has been three years for me. The memory and feelings come back, but they last moments now and are very rare. I am not sure if they ever truely go away.

Do you still care about your spouse?

Start by reading:
A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts
What Are Plan A and Plan B?

Hi MP..and welcome!

I'm still relatively early in the recovery process. But..I've found that I've been able to overcome anger only through a Herculean effort, lots of discussion with my wife, and a recognition that she also had some justifiable anger about issues in our marriage that contributed to her decision to have an affair.

It's not easy, believe me. I really blasted my wife on D-Day. But..I've learned since then that if I want my marriage to get better, I'd have to put the anger aside and take a long, hard look at my life. I still have bouts of rage, sadness, and depression. But, I'm finding other ways to deal with those. I've started keeping a journal, and I've found that it is a good place to hold all of the negative feelings. It allows me to approach my marriage with a positive attitude and to avoid potentially destructive behavior.

I hope this helps. You'll find lots of good ideas on this board.

Many of those good ideas are collected in the link in my signature line. It's not surprising you are still angry, these things take time. However, if it is still a pretty constant thing for you, then you are probably not following a Plan for Recovery like the one outlined in "Survivng an Affair".

Correct?

thanks for the welcome. I saw my therapist today who suggested I take AD to deal with the anger. While I may actually take her up on this idea, I am furious that I have to become medicated because of something that he did.
Andrew - you talked about ways of dealing with the existing rage and anger - please tell me what some of those are. I can't seem to find a way past them.

MP,

I've dealt with this mostly by finding a place to put the anger. I try to view it as a tangible object, something that I can place far away from me. My journal is one of those places. I see it partly as a trash can - all of the negative feelings, the unanswered questions, the bitterness, the resentment, and the anger go there. When I shut the cover...I leave them to howl among themselves. And..I can focus on what I know I really NEED to do, which is to work on marriage.

As long as that anger remains inside of your body, it will be very hard to move on. I also know that it's very hard to let go. That wrath has a warmth to it. I've said this before, I know, but...I think the reason it is so hard for us to let go in a case like this is that we believe that, if we do, our spouse has gotten away with something. Try not to see it that way.

I had to do what AndrewA said. Though I was lucky and had a sister I could vent to who was able to withhold all judgement against me and my wife.

MP,

Hopefully, today is going well for you. You have to take this day by day. It's hard work: you have to try to manage your emotions while keeping your eye on the long-term goal...a better, healthier marriage.

I'm curious: has your husband cut off contact yet?

I found digging below the anger to get to the hurt, frustration and fear underneath the anger helped me deal with it.

Once again, thanks for the advice everyone. I think what Andrew said is so true. You feel like if you start to get past the anger, you are letting them get away with something. That is EXACTLY how I feel. Sometimes I think I want to move past, but I don't want him to get away with it. He is trying everything to make this work and I am completely unreceptive to all he is doing. I will try the journal idea, it sounds like a good idea. I know time heals, but it's been 4 months and it doesn't seem to be getting any better.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You feel like if you start to get past the anger, you are letting them get away with something. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sounds like fear. Have you talked to him about that?

But... What would be just compensation? What would make you feel he had paid enough? In my case, there was NOTHING my wife could have offered me that would have made up for what she had put me through...so I had to forgive her. (See Lewis Smedes books.) But, that still did not make me willing to continue to put up the same things she had done in the past, including a lot of pre-A crap. So, there was the second step of reconciliation, where we changed our marriage into one that was healthy. That required ME to do a lot of work, too.

Thanks - I will check out Lewis Smede's books. There is no just compensation. The therapist keeps talking about a pennance for him, something that I think of. There is nothing that I can think of that would make me feel better about this. How do you start to forgive???

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The therapist keeps talking about a pennance for him, something that I think of. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Willard Harley and Penny Tupy recommend something like this. I don't think the Bible does, however, and so I don't, either.

For me, it all came down to the Lord's Prayer, and a lot of time in prayer myself. In the Lord's Prayer, Jesus instructs us to ask for forgiveness "as we forgive others". That doesn't seem to leave a lot of room for negotiation. I HAD to forgive her if I wanted God to forgive me, if I understand this correctly. The other part was my own sin. God showed me how I had done everything to Him that she had done to me. Every time I thought of a new way to look at her betrayal, and at how she had mis-treated me, God showed me how I had done the same to Him. I gained new insight into the connection between "idolatry" and "adultery", and why those words are so closely linked in so many Biblical texts. And why God used the relationship beteween a bride and bridegroom to his relationship with us.

I don't have any answers for you on how to deal with the anger, but I wanted to reach out to you b/c I know exactly how you're feeling right now. November 6th will be exactly 4 months for me since D-Day and I do struggle with the anger. We certainly have more good days than bad days, but thoughts of my H's affair haunt me daily. Some days it is a passing thought and other days it consumes me.

Last night was bad. As we walked around trick-or-treating with our two little preschoolers, I just kept thinking, "How could you risk destroying their happy home life, family, security and stability for your own selfish, shallow, self-serving, instant gratification?". How could you walk into a hotel room, get naked with a woman who tells you she isn't a commitment-type person, just a sexual person; doesn't care if you're married; and she pays for the room; and you have unprotected sex... how could you be so weak?..." and on and on. That is unfathomable to me.

I realized last night however that my husband is doing everything he can do right now to make it up to us. He is really, truly remorseful and he really and truly loves me. It is up to me now. Can I live with what he has done and get past it or not? I don't know. I'm trying. Most days I think I can come to terms with it, but on the days that I think I can't, those days are really, really bad. For the sake of my two little babies, I am really going to try but I must tell you, for a person like me, it is a very hard thing to swallow.

I wish you all the best. I wouldn't wish this hell on anyone. SNS

to still-n-schock: you and I sound like we are in the same boat. I have 3 young chiildren and it has also been exactly 4 months since D-Day. My H carried on the affair for 4-5 months. I still wonder like you how he could risk it all. And like your situation, he is trying everything he can with me and the kids. But I don't really have too many good days. Somare are calmer than others, but it never seems to leave me. How do you have good days?
When you said for a person like me, I understand that completely. I even say to my H "How in the world, knowing me the way you do, did you ever think I would forgive this, move past it, etc. . . ." The reason I went on this site was as a last resort - to try and find someone I could talk to who was experiencing or had experienced the same thing as I am. I hope I can find some way to try. I do not want to destroy my children's lives (even though I feel he did that. I am so conflicted about whether to head in the divorce direction or find a way to make this work. Do you have those thoughts as well??? Thanks for making me realize I'm not the only one!

SNS and MP, You two have hit on the core of what makes me so angry about my wife's A: the recklessness of what she did. We've talked a bit about this - it makes my wife VERY uncomfortable - but..what if she had gotten pregnanat from this encounter? What if she had picked up a disease (this guy had cheated on his wife before).

When she made the choice to sleep with him...she showed a complete lack of regard for our family and our future. It's hard to move past that. Even if you acknowledge - as I do - that there were a lot of unfulfilled needs that fed the A...at some point, you'd think that you'd care enough about the other people in your life to realize how destructive your actions are. It's that lack of caring about the cnsequences that makes this so hard to swallow sometimes.

MP, I never thought about divorce. But I don't think it's unnatural to do so.

MP64,

I can relate to you so, so much!!! I have to say that it is my children (100%) that persuade me to stay. If there were no children or perhaps even if they were older, I probably would have filed for the divorce.

At this young age, I can't sit down with my children and explain any of this to them. If we divorced and I had to turn them over to my H every other weekend, not knowing where he'd take them, what kind of people they'd be exposed to, how they'd feel or be treated, etc... coupled with the fact that they can't even pick up a phone and call their mommy or come home and tell me they don't like going there, etc... I can't do that to them. One of my children has some developmental delays (speech specifically) and desperately needs stability and the love of both parents full time. If we divorced, I'd have to return to work and my career isn't a 9-5 type job, so my children would really be on the losing end of that deal.

You know, I quit working to be a SAHM b/c my children are only 13 months apart and speech therapy, occupational therapy, doctor's appointments, etc... take up a large part of every week. I thought my H was onboard with that and supported me 100%. I was stunned to realize that he resented the time I was devoting to our children, resented the loss of my income; resented having to sell the big home in the country club to down-size and accomodate going from a two-income household to a one-income household and resented the loss of "status in the community" that came with my job! Again, to me, just like the A this screams of selfishness, a pitty party, and his ME, ME, ME mentality!

The funny thing is, all of the trivial day to day things that we constantly argued about and which drove a wedge between us in the marriage; the things the he was so stubborn about and refused to give-in on, he is now doing willingly and without so much as one word from me. He gave up all of the over-time (which we didn't need anyway and he now admits was part of his "escape"). From January of this year until D-Day right after the 4th of July, he would leave the house between 7:30 a.m. - 9:30 a.m. and not get home until 11:00 p.m. at night or later and he would sign up to work overtime on his days off as well. I never had any help at home and I never had any relief! That was a huge problem in our marriage. Now, he is home much more and helps me out with the children and things around the house. That fills my "love tank" as some call it so in return he gets more of his emotional needs met (i.e. sex and affection).

Another thing I realized is that anger and fighting doesn't work with my H. It just causes him to shut down and check out. It certainly wasn't helping our children to see us at odds so much of the time. All of us are much happier now. Now don't get me wrong, the anger does explode in me at times, but my H doesn't get angry back, he doesn't get defensive, he never blames me for his A, he is 100% remorseful, and he answers every question I have no matter how graphic. I'm detail oriented and I wanted details. I think my H has realized that talking about it helps me and in turn, helps us. He sees that even though the discussion may not be pleasant at the time, his honesty to my questions helps me and I am able to quickly recover from an angry episode. The more he sees this, the less afraid he is to tell me whatever I want to know, no matter how embarassing or painful it may be to hear at the time. I despise deceit. I want the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth!

Naturally the fact that he feels nothing for the OW helps me a great deal. It wasn't "her" at all, it was him. She just happened to be the one who came along and made it so very easy. She was aggressive, didn't expect anything from the R, knew he was M and didn't care, didn't want anyone to find out for her own reasons, etc... so going into it he felt safe that no one would never know. Truth is I wouldn't have ever known if his guilt didn't get the better of him and he ended it in such a way that my discovery was inevitable.

Another thing that helps me is all I've found out about the OW. I've seen her and don't see her as a threat physically and there is no comparison between me and her on any other level. In fact my H tells me that one of the things that made it easy for him to cheat with her is his full knowledge that he'd never feel anything for her, fall in love with her or want to leave his family for her. She has left us alone too, which also helps.

I hope my H has realized the dangers of being impulsive and of not thinking things through BEFORE he does them. This is and has always been the biggest issue of our marriage from Day One! He would speak or act without thinking! If he has learned this lesson, as he says he has, he will always be a better man, father, employee and human being.

If he ever does this again, no matter what, I'm out of here. He knows it. I will not go through this again, ever! Oh, and one last thought to share with you that makes sense to me and helps me stay when every ounce of my core screams leave is this...if 50 - 60% of married men are unfaithful at some point in their marriage, even if I left and re-married the risk of going through this again with another man is real and that man is not/would not be the father of my children, so why not stay and try to make it work with the man who is the father of my children for all of our sakes.

I hope you're feeling better! Feel free to reach out to me anytime! I'm pulling for you!!

SNS

<small>[ March 08, 2005, 05:00 PM: Message edited by: Still-n-Shock ]</small>

Andrew and SNS - WOW - I could have written exactly what both have you wrote to me. It is truly amazing. I am overwhelmed that two people I don't know at all can feel the EXACT same things that I feel and express it the exact same way. Anyway, I hear what you are both saying. I know divorce isn't the only way and the thought of sitting my kids down to tell them is the only thing that has stopped me from doing it already. I do feel I could survive without my H. I don't know if my kids could. And like you SNS, he has become a much better father and person. Also, the thought of not knowing where they would be and who they would be with also terrifies me, although I don't know if that outweighs the anger I am feeling. Like you Andrew, I am horrified my H would put our family at risk. The OW is single and was sleeping with someone else at the same time she was sleeping with my H. What's worse, he was sleeping with me all during the A. It sickens me to even think about it. Unfortunately, when I caught him, he was engaged in a phone conversation with the OW and I heard some graphic stuff (although he claims they were ending it already and that was one of their last calls). I can't get it out of my head what I heard him say to her and every time I think about it, my reaction is divorce. I don't even go beyond and let myself think about how to heal or make this better. Andrew - how did you never think about divorce? I am really curious about that because even if I haven't done anything to start the process, I do think about it all the time. I am so thankful that both of you are responding and trying to help. I hope I can do the same for you. I look forward to hearing what you both have to say. I am taking the kids and going to visit a friend for a few days. So if you don't hear back from me, you will as soon as I return. Thanks again!

MP,

Why haven't I considered divorce? I guess it really boils down to circumstance. I've thought a lot about whether this is a charcter issue with my wife - and therefore something that is likely to happen again - or whether it's a sign that a good marriage went badly off the tracks at some point. I think it's the latter.

One thing that helped me a lot was that my wife didn't try to hide anything from me after I found out. She and the OM had a secret email account. She gave me the password to that. She gave me the cell phone bills. She's answered my questions about what happened and why. And as we've talked about it, I'vepretty much come to the conclusion that she had some overpowering needs that overwhelemd her good judgmement.

In other words...I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt and putting my faith in her remorse and in her desire to re-build our marriage.

Obviously, the kids are a consideration. While I don't think people should stay in a bad marriage because of children - I DO think that you have to try everything in your power to try to work things out.

Having said that, I'll add this: I think an experience like this really drives home the need for self-reliance. One of the things I told my wife is that I've learned from this experience is that there is only one person I can trust completely: me. So, instead of thinking about ending the relationship though divorce, I'm thinking about trying to make it better and more importantly, making MYSELF better.

By the way...have a great visit with your firend. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />