I too had lots of anger. I think we all can understand that completely. When I was going through this with my first husband-my therapist said that anger is the cover of your hurt. Peel away the layers and get down to the bottom of it and then it will begin to heel. I tried writing in a journal but it really didn't help me with the physical anger I needed to get out-I started a garden and beat the crap out of the dirt in my yard. I screamed and hollered and cried (if anyone was around they must have thought I was nuts) but once that was done and over with I could then begin to focus on doing what I needed to do.

This is just what worked for me. Everyone is different. I just say, do what you have to do!

Hello MP,

Don't know if you're back from your trip yet. Hope the time away was good for you? I remember shortly after D-Day I had to leave with my children. I hated leaving. I was afraid my H would have contact with the OW! It was the first time since the A that he'd have us safely out of the picture and have the house all to himself!! I had to put my children's safety first...kind of like I'm doing by staying in the M and trying to work through this whole A mess! Plus, the phones were down during the storm so I couldn't even get through to talk to him most of the time!! I figured he was going to do what he was going to do, heck he was having an A right under my nose while I was here and I was clueless!

Yep, my H had sex with the OW while having sex with me too. My H had UNPROTECTED sex with the OW. She too is single and was sleeping with other people while sleeping with my H. I didn't hear any graphic conversations between the two, but I did get to hear how my H liked her fake breasts. In addition, while my H was still insisting that all they did was kiss a couple of times, I had the pleasure (not) of listening in on a couple of phone conversations where he thanked her for being such a good 'friend', wished her well, told her she was a nice person, etc... He said he was trying to end things on a good note so she wouldn't become angry and psycho. Yeah, right! How he could think she was a "nice person" is beyond me!!

We both went through the battery of tests for STD's at my insistance! It is so much fun to tell the doctor who delivered both of our babies why I need to be tested for STD's! The OW has never been married and has three children by three different men. Somewhere (on General I think) I posted a poem of sorts about Adultery that expresses it better than I ever could.

When I say good days, I mean days when we get along and don't discuss the A, but there hasn't been one day when the A, the OW, the sex, the lies, the betrayal, etc... aren't in my thoughts! Some times I can push them aside and other times, I can't and we end up arguing over it yet again.

It is a roller coaster and it is day by day. It is my H's behavior that has allowed me to stay thus far. Like I said, he doesn't yell, get defensive, blame me, speak fondly of her or defend her in any way, etc... He hates himself for what he did; can't even believe he did that! He is sick with himself over it. If he ever took a cavalier attitude, he'd be back out on the street looking for a place to stay.

I did kick him out on D-Day and then again one other time when he contacted her without talking to me about it first. He hated being out of the house and away from us, plus no one was supportive of him and he had a hard time finding anyone to take him in once they learned why he was kicked out in the first place. In his crazy fogged up mind, he didn't actually think I'd really kick him out??? What??? Not only did I kick him out on a Monday night, the locks were changed on Tuesday and I was in the lawyer's office on Wednesday. Talk about being scared straight (I guess). Who really knows for sure. Like Andrew said, I now know the only person I can fully trust and count on in this world is ME!

SNS

<small>[ March 08, 2005, 05:03 PM: Message edited by: Still-n-Shock ]</small>

hi guys - I'm back. Well it was great for the kids to get away for a few days. Unfortunately, I went to Florida to visit which is exactly where the A took place. So of course I was constantly thinking was he with her in this or that place. I survived however and I'm glad the kids had fun. He sent me emails from my own email address to prove he was here in the house late at night and early in the morning. He called a lot while I was there but I had no real interest in talking to him. I always allow him access to the kids in every way because they need him and also because if there comes a time when he has them alone, I would not want to be shut out at all. So I try hard to allow that. Andrew - I agree with you that divorce shouldn't be the first option and we owe it to everyone to try to work it out. Despite all of the excellent advice I get here, I still feel I am unable to let my guard down. Actually, I don't even try. I wish I knew how.
SNS - I like your scare tactic. I kind of wish I had taken that approach in the beginning. He has never been locked out or kicked out and I wish I had done that at some point. I tell my H all the time how normal life is for him. Even though I know that is not true - everyday life seems pretty normal. My H also contacted her once without telling me. He claims it was about all the medical tests I made him take for the STD's, etc. I have all cell phone records but no matter how hard I try, I still don't feel the trust coming back. He too feels sick that he has done this, but there is no changing it now.
How is it you two are so far ahead of me in the recovery process when this happened to all of us at approx. the same time? One last question for you - Do you both discuss it with your H and W every day? Is there constant dialogue or do you give it a rest some days?
I was glad to see your posts when I returned. It's really nice to have someone to talk to - thanks again!!

Hi MP,

Glad you're back! We don't discuss the A every day, but it isn't that I couldn't talk about it every day b/c I could. If a question pops in my head, I go ahead and ask him b/c I have learned it does no good to let it fester. Sometimes it is just a word or two. For example, tonight my H was dancing in the kitchen and I said laughingly, "You know, if you would have let your girlfriend see you dance like that there would have never been an affair!" (He is an awful dancer) :-)! So sometimes it is in a joking kind of way. Last night when he came home from work I was watching this new show on the Style Network, "Diary of an Affair". Have you ever seen it? It is about real couples who've experienced infidelity in their marriage. Some recover and some don't. He hates it when I watch that show! Funny thing is, when it was over I flipped the channel and the next show was "Cheaters" where a camera crew goes out and videos suspected cheaters and then brings the betrayed partner in to bust the cheater in action. All he says during times like that is how sorry he is and how he wishes he could go back in time and change everything.

Being intimate is not always easy for me, but I try to block out the A during those times. Some times it doesn't enter my mind and yet other times it does. I don't know if you can really guage your progress in recovery in relation to the amount of time since D-Day. We had a very, very rough 6 or 7 weeks. The MC helped some, but there came a point where the MC told me to "get over it" (early October I think) and I lost interest in going after that point. Now we go on an "as needed" basis. I really can't say at this point if we'll be married 5 years from now. I'm kindof in a holding pattern waiting for my kids to get older and waiting to see if time really does heal the wounds. I honestly don't think I'll ever feel the same about my H or my M. If I ever returned to work and my children were doing well, there wouldn't be as many reasons to stay. We'll see. Do I want the M to work? Yes. Can I live forever with how my husbnad shattered my trust and betrayed our M vows? I don't know. Time will tell. My H knows there are no guarantees (as do I). His A made that painfully obvious to me! Luckily, I am not afraid of being on my own or starting over, etc... I think I could probably live the rest of my life without a man in it! What keeps me here is my children and my committment to my family (if not fully to my H and my M at times).

For me, if I needed to talk about it every day, I would and if he wanted us to recover he'd listen and answer my questions. Heck, he knew what kind of person I was when he "checked out" and had his little fling so that is just the price he'd have to pay if he wanted me to work through the emotions and heal. I think I've pretty much gotten all of my questions answered. Some of them still yield an "I don't know" or "I don't remember" and that response makes me want to spit nails!!! I guess he was in such a selfish fog he doesn't remember everything the way I would. I'm very detail oriented and I have the memory of an elephant! :-)

Glad you're back! I know about those triggers. Every time I pass a Howard Johnsons I want to vomit! -SNS

<small>[ March 08, 2005, 05:06 PM: Message edited by: Still-n-Shock ]</small>

SNS- Howard Johnson's - at least he didn't spend a lot of money on her. Sounds like you are really on the right track. I get sick if his hand accidentally touches me in passing, I can't even fathom being intimate. I've never heard of those shows you mentioned, but since I love to dwell on this, I will certainly try to catch them. I am a big TV watcher. I guess like you I am biding my time. I can't bring myself to go to a lawyer yet, but I do feel like that is just a matter of time. I so don't want my kids to be another statistic, but I can't see living like this either. Last night I couldn't fall asleep until 2:30 am. I can't function like this every day. I was so infuriated that he came right up and went to sleep, didn't bother asking why I couldn't sleep. I think he is getting to the end of his rope a little although he says he'll do whatever it takes. My H's responses are similar. In the beginning there was more detail, now there is a lot of I don't know and I don't remember, so I'm not sure if he is being truthful or really can't remember. I can't imagine not remembering every detail if it had been me.
Did you ever feel like you wasted a lot of energy on just being angry? I feel like that a lot right now. I spend so much time hating him I can't see through it at all. Maybe I'll try for a better day today. I'm off to check my TIVO to see if I get those shows around here. Hope you have a good day! MP64

Hey MP,

Yep, Howard Johnsons, isn't that romantic??? We had a big fight today b/c I had to go to the town where the A happened, and drove right by the motel. H is like, "Why don't you just avoid that town?" Yeah, okay honey, b/c you had no self-control I'll have to alter my life even more than I have already and not go there to shop so I won't have to be reminded of your romp in the hotel. Funny, you didn't think about all of those ramifications when you and her checked in there. She offered to and paid for the room. She is such a nice girl! She removed any obstacle that might have given him pause. He had no cash and certainly couldn't use a credit card for it. I pay all of the bills so it would be hard to explain an ATM withdrawal for $60 and yet no money in his wallet.

Now he is at college (where he met her) taking a mid-term and is so upset he fears he'll fail. I said, why not block it out like you did during the whole month of May and June when you were living a double-life. You were so good at compartmentalizing then, why not now? Not a good day. I hate when I ask him a question and there is this long, pregnant pause like he is trying to "come up" with a suitable answer. Drives me insane!!!

Hope your day is/was better. Sorry to vent! SNS

sns- please vent. I feel like all I do on this website is complain and vent. I don't feel like a good listener or friend, which is something that I usually am. Since this has happened I have to use so much of my energy trying to act normal to the rest of the world so when I do talk with people who know, I guess I finally act selfish by not being a great listener and just saying whatever comes to mind. Did you tell a lot of people, friends and family? Virtually nobody knows about my situation. Only my one closest friend here and her H. I am so terrified of my kids finding out, I won't take the chance of telling anybody else in case they slip in front of their kids.
I know exactly what you are talking about with that long pause. I want to strangle him when he does that. It's like do you know the answer or are you just trying to say the right thing. It is so infuriating. Is your OW still at the school that he goes to? I would think that would be so hard for you when he goes.
Speaking of a double life, I find it so amazing that my H, who prior to this was the most honest person I knew, was able to lead that life. It truly amazes me. My H was in FL. for 5 months and carried on this double life the whole time. I am still shocked he was able to do that. I guess being far from home made it easier.
Not a great day here either. It was my oldest son's birthday party and my H stayed home all day. I hate when he is around all day, I wish he would just go to work so I don't have to see him.
I just heard about another couple in my town who is getting a divorce. I think there was an A in that situation. I wonder how many people we actually know have gone through it and stayed together. Obviously we know about the ones who didn't.
Well - I hope you have a better day tomorrow. MP64

MP,

I think a lot of here share that lonely feeling that you talked about. One of the most difficult aspects of this for me has been that I have had no one to confide in. It's a hard burden to bear by yourself...and it's difficult when the one person you have to lean on is the person who HAD the affair. In my case, I've counted on my wife A LOT for support. She's been great. But..she's also very eager to put this behind us as quickly as possible. That's understandable, of course. But I think it's hard sometimes for we BSs to move forward as quickly as our spouses think we ought to.

You seem to still be weighing the possibility of divorce. Have you talked to your husband about that? Have you and he made a plan for improving the marriage? My feeling on divorce is that it ought to be a last resort. If you've made a genuine effort to address the issues that led to the affair - if you love him openly and fill his needs - then I think you will feel much less conflicted about whether to end the marriage or not.

Hang in there...the anger will subside, and you will (hopefully) start to see some progress.

Hey Andrew - It is really tough having nobody to share this with, especially my everyday friends. You are so right that the one person who I normally can turn to is exactly the person I don't want to turn to. My H keeps saying that all he has heard from me is about the loss of our family, our lifestyle, but nothing about the loss of our marriage or of him. He thinks I am not upset about losing him. Finally, the MC said to him what I couldn't which was "you are the person who humiliated and embarassed her, why would she feel like telling you that she misses you or is sad over the loss of you" I was glad she said it and although I'm not sure he gets it 100%, at least he knows why I'm not saying it.
To answer your question, my H definitely knows that I am thinking about divorce. I really do agree it should be a last resort and I also agree the issues leading up to the A need to be addressed, it just seems like so much work. All along I have said I need to make a decision one way or the other and once I do I can work towards the resolution. I just can't bring myself to make that decision. My MC says sometimes while addressing the issues, the decision makes itself for you.
Anyway, how have you been doing? How are things with your W? You seem to have such a positive outlook on this, I'm sure your W appreciates that. I hope she does at least. Again, thanks for listening and advising! MP

MP,

Unfortunately, the only way I have been able to cope is to nmake a conscious effort NOT to move forward. I have a lot of questions...a LOT of questions....and I'm still angry about a lot of what happened. The hardest part of this to swallow, I think, is the deception. That a person who claims to love you would do something like this and then come home and pretend that everything is normal is awfully hard to stomach.

The key question I asked myself is whether this is a character issue - meaning it could happen again - or whether it was a result of factors that were not right in our marriage. I've examined it quite a bit...and I think it's the latter. So...I've decided to make a leap of faith that if I work on those issues, and if I do a better job of filling my wife's needs...our marriage will be healthier and stronger in the future.

Only you know your husband. I think ultimately your decision to divorce him or to try to rebuild the marriage will hinge on whether you believe he is sincerely remorseful and whether the two of you are willing to work together on recovery. Take a close look at the character of your husband and ask yourself whether this represents a flaw in his character, or whether it was a product of needs and opportunity coming together.

Andrew - I'm not sure what you mean when you say make a conscious effort NOT to move forward. Do you mean you just take it one day at a time not thinking about the future? Let me know. As far as character of my H, I definitely think he was a good person before all this. I also think it was the opportunity. He was traveling for months and working with this OW. I am sure if you asked anyone who knows him, they would say he'd be the least likely person to do this. And even knowing all that, I still can't seem to begin to forgive or move on. Oh well, I guess we never really know someone the way we think we do. Clue me in the not moving forward comment. Have a good night. MP

MP,

That, my friend, is called a typo. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I think what I started to sya was that you have to make a consciopus effort not to dwell on things. But then..my brain froze.

I wish I could say it was something more profound than that.

But...you just have to will yourself at this point to move forward. It will get easier, believe it or not.

Andrew - thanks for clearing that up. Brain freezes are common around here lately. My H would love to see your advice - will myself to move on - I am quite sure he feels the same way. I like getting the male perspective. I purposely chose a female MC because I did not want the male point of view dominating our MC. Males and females are very different creatures!!!

Just remember...moving on at this point only means that you put the anger and pain away as best you can and work on your marriage.

It doesn't mean that you forget what happened. It doesn't even mean - at this point - that you forgive him.

What it means is that you have to find a space where you can make some decisions with a level head and a level heart - and where yo ucan give your all to trying to rebuild.

That seems to me to be all that your husband should expect from you at this point - that you will give recovery a real try.

Hello,
I've just been looking over your posts and I must say how incredibly similar most of what is being said sounds to my situation. Particularly what you have to say, Andrew.

I am in my 5th month since the big discovery. The evidence of an emotional relationship was clear but at first my wife tried to deny a sexual relationship existed. Eventually, however, she could not keep the lies straight in the face of the evidence and admitted the relationship was deep, future looking, and had gone on for about 4 months. The other person resides in another state so although she attempted to continue contact and the deception, I was able to detect her efforts and confronted her. After about a week she weighed all the alternatives and ended the relationship.

Afterward, she became unbelievably honest and forthcoming with information. She has also agreed to incredible measures...she will give me an uncontested divorce, thereby protecting me from loss of certain assets in the future even if we remarry. You see, one of the emails she wrote to the other man said, "I can't wait for you to see the incredible view at my house." I took this be an economic assault as well as emotional.

I'm not oblivious to what caused all this. We have been married over 20 years, and she has no doubt suffered the gradual consequences of being taken for granted. I shoulder the blame for letting career, and life in general create an atmosphere of resentment. Nonetheless, I have insisted there were other alternatives.

My wife shows extreme remorse, she is now completely honest with me, she is very loving, and it is evident that love, commitment, and a new understanding of how to treat one's spouse has arrived in our marriage. I'm am equally committed to being who she needs me to be.

There is one thing that exists in this situation that does not exist in anything I have read, and it is the one thing that is creating hesitation in me to continue...her affair wasn't an isolated event.

Four years ago she had an affair with a co-worker. It lasted a year. She ended it out of guilt and immediately immersed herself in her religious faith. I never knew about this affair. Then, about 18 months prior to my discovery of the last affair she was in a job that required travel. She met a man and engaged in a 6 month affair. She ended it because she simply didn't want him any longer. She immediately began another affair with a co-worker who also travelled to the same cities. It lasted 6 months and he ended it when she became too attached. She was devistated and engaged in a series of 4 one-night stands with men she met in hotel lobbies and hotel lounges over the course of the next four months. Finally, she met the man I discovered the affair with. This relationship became the closest and most likely to end in her leaving me.

As I said, the only affair I knew anything about was the last one. She volunteered the other information. She says this was about needing acceptance, attention, and affection, nothing else. She says now that this is in the open and the way we treat each other has changed she can't believe what she had become. All the men involved were married and she now looks back on things and remembers lies that went both ways with them. She resents them and herself for the whole thing.

Still, because of the extent of her infidelity, common sense tells me this is nothing more than a character issue.

Is it not possible that the cause of all this is what is important and not the extent to which it manefest itself?

Wow - I can barely fathom one affair, I can't imagine trying to deal with more than that. I think in your case the cause of it certainly needs to be dealt with, but the way it manifested itself would be just as huge a concern to me. How are you dealing with all this?

Andrew - you are so levelheaded in what you write. Are you actually able to execute that on a daily basis? You always talk about finding that place to put the anger. I wish I could do that. Lately though I find myself very sad in addition to my normal anger. It's only interesting because it's really the first time since D-Day that I have actually felt sad and not just mad. I wonder if it means something.
I think I am going to try going back and reading some books that I bought when this first happened. Surviving the Affair, etc. I read many of them within the first few weeks and read them quickly, so I think it might be time to go back and give them another try. I also never got to the recovery stages of the books, I always stopped at dealing with the discovery. Any good ones you know of???

SNS - Hope you are doing okay!

MP,

I've really amazed myself with my ability to keep an even keel about this. I'm usually pretty tenacious about things. But, mostly because of the advice that I've gotten here, I've realized that I have to let things go if I want my marriage to work. It's an effort, like I said. Once things start moving in the right direction, though, you have some successes to cling to and build on and it gets a bit easier. Am I still mad? Yes! I think I always will be.

But...in my case anyway, I have to temper that anger with the realization that I had a hand in creating the envrionment in our marriage that fed the affair. Not that I'm responsible, mind you - my wife CLEARLY made the choice. But...just as I am justified in being mad at her for the affair, she is justifed in feeling anger toward me for failing to meet her most important needs for an extended period of time.

I don't know if that makes sense. As I said before...it's really more effort than anything else.

RW,

First, I am sorry about your situation. I hope you and your wife are able to build a stronger, healthier marriage.

If you think that this is a character issue, then it seems to me that you have a different challenge. You need to meet her emotional needs AND you need to be vigilant to keep her out of situations where that character flaw could be exploited. It seems to me that it would be a lot harder to feel settled or secure if character is the issue.

Now that I think about it...character likely played a role in my wife's A as well, though not in the way that you'd normally expect. My wife, bless her heart, is not very good at reading motives. She's just not very instinctive in that way. She thinks the best of everyone.

This A started because she began talking to her best friend's husband about OUR relationship. She tells me now that she needed a man's perspective, and that she thought he was "safe." What she didn't see was that she was exposing herself as vulnerable to a man who was ready to take advantage of that vulnerability. That's exactly what he did.

Thanks Andrew.
As I said, although the degrees are different, your situation and the way you handle it seems very similar to mine. My wife is exactly as you describe yours. She is/was very naive about motives. Essentially, the way she describes everything is as follows: She was unhappy because her needs for acceptance and attention weren't met at home. The first OM came along. He was a powerful figure in her company. He began by complimenting her constantly and agreeing and valuing her every opinion. This went on for a year and evolved into suggestive and flirtatious comments by him. Finally, he made his move and she responded in kind. He is married also. The A was very odd, no traditional intercourse and sexual contact occured in an office or car. There were about 8 occurrances. Although she wanted it to go farther, he didn't. Eventually, she was overcome with guilt, and although he pursued her for about two more years she shunned him away.

She had escaped into and was deep in her religious faith when the second OM came along. Nothing had changed at home. I was still treating her like a business partner according to her. They met on an airplane on a business day trip. Coincidently, they were seated next to each other coming home that afternoon. He began calling her and referring to this coincidence as providence. By the way, he said he was single but later admitted he is married (unhappily of course). Eventually the calls turned into a dinner meeting in another city during a business trip. He made his move that night, but she resisted. The calls continued, and the compliments and praise for her compounded the confusion. She began believing his assertions that the plane coincidence was a sign and finally gave in to a full blown affair which lasted 6 months.

Shortly after this A began, she changed jobs and began working for a company that required even more travel. Her relationship with the second OM deteriorated and ended. Her new company was the frying pan to the fire. It was a corporate culture of alcohol and subtle approval of such behavior. An affair began with her boss, again a married man. Again, as you would expect, she was being told how wonderful she is, etc, etc. while at home there was nothing but day to day expectations and difficulty.

With the second and third OM "love" was the word. And, she insists it was never about sex. It was about approval, acceptance, and attention. After 6 months this OM ended it saying he "needed space". She was heartbroken and according to her, her drinking had gotten out of hand and she was searching for something. Her lover had left her, her husband didn't love her, she was travelling and lonely. She would arrive at a hotel out of town and go to the lounge or lobby just to keep from sitting in her room. Of course, men would approach her. She gave out business cards that had her cell and email address on them during this whole time, honestly with no premeditation.

During some of these lounge meetings, the alcohol took over and she and the other party ended up in her room. This occurred 4 times in a 4 month period. On all 4 occassions, there was sexual contact but not traditional intercourse. The reason? She actually had concern about pregnancy. She never had another meeting with any of these men except one. They were all married. The one she had additional contact with she met in another city. This time the problem over pregnancy prevention was solved. She never met him again, but continued phone conversations with him for months.

My wife tells me that during this 4 month period she was searching for something. She fealt all alone by now, yet she began realizing she had a problem, both with her lifestyle and alcohol. She began travelling with another woman in her company as a preventative measure to her becoming lonely. Unfortunately, with this last A the woman she travelled with was coming into town a day after my wife was. That night, my wife left her room and went to the hotel lobby and had a glass of wine. She was approached by a man who claimed to be single. He punched all the right buttons. As it turns out. He was married and had worked as a marriage counselor as one time. He new all the signs and she fell for every line. She fell deeply in love and he did everything right. After discovery, I had him investigated and later provided documentation of his lies that even she couldn't believe.

Anyway, and in spite of all this, I love her and want desperately to believe in her again. BUT, I'm only a fool when I'm not paying attention.

I hadn't discovered MB at the time and was lucky that I seem to have followed many of the principals purely by accident. Upon discovery of this last affair I didn't blow up. Instead, I immediately began Plan A, again by accident. This confused her because she expected me to go nuts and leave. Naturally, I did demand that she leave him, to which she agreed. Two days later she called him and told me she ended it. I already had investigations under way and had immediately contacted his wife. The idea was to give her kindness and expose him at the same time, thereby applying pressure on him and letting her know things he may not have been truthful about.

I was tracking her phone calls and she knew it, but she didn't realize I was also tracking her text messages. Three days after she supposedly had ended the relationship I received a report they had been text messaging each other the whole time. I asked her about contact since the break up to see if she would lie about it. She did. Then I confronted her with the fact that I knew she had. I also presented her with evidence of many of his lies including his income, lifestyle, education, and profession. I told her it was over because of her lies.

I think that the combination of knowing she couldn't escape my scrutiny, lies weren't working, and the shock of finding out how much the OM had lied caused her to suddenly and completely break down. She cried, prayed, and confessed to me everything.

As I said, I only knew about the last OM. She decided at that moment to purge her conscience of everything. The next day she ended things with the OM. Since that time she has approached everything in a very clinical manner, answering my every question in detail and without emotion. She explains her motivations well and without struggling for words or excuses. She is very convincing that she had finally just given up at home. She says she remembers the day she became indifferent. She became numb to the lack of acceptance, appreciation, and criticism.

I feel guilty for her feelings, as I should. She is right. I was wrong. She is the kindest, sweetest, most righteous woman I have ever known. And I believe my insensitivity pushed her into a lifestyle we will both anguish over the rest of our lives. As for me, if we are able to get beyond this, she will never want for acceptance or attention again. I hope I can deal with this. You men out there know what I am dealing with. With us it is about sex. The images torture me.

I believe she is now true to me. As I said, I'm only a fool when I'm not paying attention. It was mentioned that she gave out business cards not knowing what she was doing. There were other men besides the ones I've talked about who never had a relationship with her but wanted to. She had phone conversations that never amounted to anything. I say all that just to validate my belief about who she is now. She has told me that she will tell me if she receives any contact from any of these people. She has. There were four such incoming phone calls. One was from OM number 3, and three were from men she had simply had casual conversations with. She told all of them not to call her again and that I was one mean s.o.b. and would come after them if they did.

My wife says she has a lot of anger over our past years together, but in the last month or so she seems to have put that aside. I have done all I can to repair the damage. I don't worry about her anymore, although I think I should never trust her completely again. I do worry about my ability to go forward.

I apologize for the long message. No one else knows about all this. This message board has been therapuetic for me I guess.

hey Andrew - how are you? I understand what you are saying when you are amazed at your even keel. I find I am able to remain even when I am arounds friends and my kids. It's only when dealing with him that I am no longer even. Went to the MC today, but I went alone. Sometimes I have him go and sometimes I just go alone. I had all these great plans when I left there. Unfortunately, my mom (who doesn't know about the A) had just come back from a doctor's appt. where she found out she has cancer. I guess the H and all those issues are going to get pushed way down to the bottom of the priority list for right now. I have to focus on her as I have already lost my dad to the same illness.

I'm not sure that MC helps any when I go alone. It's nice to have someone to talk to, but I'm not sure how helpful it is. I think I need to re-evaluate the situation.

Something I have been struggling with is that I don't believe him that there has been NO communication over the past 3 months. I don't think he is with her, but I have a sneaking suspicion there has been some sort of contact. He of course has denied it adamantly. Jokingly, the MC suggested a polygraph. I know it seems sick, but I really think I might suggest it to him. I feel that if I could truly believe him, I would be able to start the process. Any thoughts???

I hope things are going well with you and your W and that you have a good night - keep your positive outlook!! MP