Hello,

MP, I don't know if I can connect any sort of feeling to SF, but I do know this...I'm much more in tune to how interested H is, or if he seems uninterested I wonder about that too. Anything he says or does that doesn't sound like him, seems a bit off or out of character and my radar goes up. It drives me crazy!!! Everything is the same and yet nothing is the same, you know what I mean???

Our MC told me that the anger and bitterness would ravage my face if I didn't find a way to let it go. Easier said than done and so nice to hear from him considering everything else I was and am going through. I'll turn 40 this year. Isn't it soooo nice when your H decides to be unfaithful just as you're turning the big 40 and you're already feeling so good about that anyway! I'm older than my H too which doesn't make it any easier. OW was one year younger than H. However, I too look young for my age, I just hope like MP was saying we can keep it that way and not let our H's affairs do any more damage than they've already done!!!

So many times I wish I could go back to 29 and do it all over, but then I know I wouldn't change a thing b/c w/out H I wouldn't have my children and I wouldn't change that for the world!

-SNS

MP,

Unfortunately do not have children. Tried for several years; before A and during, and unbelievably after to no avail. Cannot conceive. Part of problem with marriage. Put alot of stress and distance between us while going thru fertility. I realized that I truly loved my husband after I found out about the A. We separated temporarily, and during that time I thought I would die without him being there with me to share in everything as we had in the past. I had a hard time imagining my life with anyone else. I even went out on a couple of dates. Not for me! Missed my H too much. It does get better, you have to believe me(as long as H is 110% involved in relationship along with you). The anger will slowly subside. It does not always go away, but it is not as strong as it was initially. You need to really get A out in open and your H's reason for having it. What his needs were so that you can truly understand it, and learn to see from his point of view. That is first step towards forgiveness!

SNS- I hear you about radar going up. When I first found out about A, almost everything my H did or said seemed foreign to me. I do not know if it was because I really never paid attention, or did he pick up few things from OW. After something terrible like this happens, as I said, you look at that person in a whole new light. It is as if you do not know who they are. You feel they are not the same person you married, because that person would not have treated you like this. Deep down, they still are the same person, it is just that time and circumstances have changed them. You have changed, we all have changed even before A. We are not the same person on those first couple of dates. Sometimes after the A, people change for the better (hard to believe, but is true!) The person you fell in love with may still be there buried deep beneath all of the pain and turmoil that has taken over their lives, you just have to dig deep. You may find that you like the new person more, if things about them change for the better! Glad you had a wonderful date! Once in awhile when I am with my H, I try to pretend that I just met him (no A ever happened, no bad marriage) Just 2 people hitting it off! It really works sometimes!

MP-Keep positive attitude no matter what; not just for sake of marriage, but for yourself! If you portray positive attitude, H will see that and react off of that, and so will others! I know it is difficult, but in time, you will be a better person because of it!

Say goodbye to past; look forward to future!!!

Hi all - It's nice to hear from someone so positive. Sorry about the children question - but it is great to hear that you wanted so much to make it work with your H, even when others were not at stake.

You talked about forgiveness in your last post. My MC says that I probably will never forgive, but that I would still be able to move forward.
I hope what you are saying is true, that the anger starts to subside. It sure doesn't feel like that now and the months are rolling by. I am at a point where I don't even fight as much anymore, I am always too tired. He tries to talk to me at night, but all I want to do is sleep and avoid him. I know that is not the way to recovery, but it's all I can do for now.

One of my main issues right now is that in order for me to stay, everything has to be great. Why go through all this if it's not. But unfortunately it can't be great when I can barely speak to him. There is no winning here. I know I sound so pessimistic, but it is all-consuming right now. Sorry.

I feel like I need a jolt to turn things around. I don't know if that means a separation, but I do feel that something has got to change. Otherwise, we could go on like this forever and that would be truly awful. Oh well, enough self-pity for one day. Hope you all have a good day.

Hello!

MP, sorry things are going badly right now. I saw the OW a couple of days ago - just from a distance, but it is no fun looking at her knowing she scr*wed my H! She is very sad. You can tell she wants everything she is not and does not have. She tries to dress and look like a lawyer. She has a job at the courthouse. Maybe that was her attraction to my H. She wants to be me! She wants everything I have.

I do have some great news to report. H got a brand new work cell phone with a different number so now there is no way OW can contact him even if she wanted to. Since the A was only during May and June, they only had each others direct connect numbers anyway (not actual phone numbers) but she can't even reach him using the walkie talkie feature of her phone now b/c his old number was put out of service when he was issued his new phone. His employer upgraded the cell phones, so when he turned in his old one he just asked if his # could be changed and they assigned him a brand new number.

I feel very confident that he will not be giving out this new number so freely this time around. We have an agreement that if he has to work on any joint class projects in the future, the # he will exchange will be our home number. I think he has learned his lesson (not just about the phones, but about affairs as well). I pray I am right. When he came home and showed me his new phone, it brought tears to my eyes which made his eyes tear up too and he hugged me so tight and just said over and over, "I'm so sorry." He said, "Please grow old with me and I'll spend the rest of my life making you as happy as I can." I hope he never loses sight of those feelings again.

-SNS

MP,

Sorry to hear you are feeling down. It might help you better right now if you seek out IC; unless you are already involved in that. I tried MC in beginning (and thought what a joke!), I don't want to heal this marriage, I want to kill my H!! I certainly did not want to hear about his needs or why he did it, because at that time, in my mind, THERE WAS NO REASON, and WHO CARES ABOUT HIS NEEDS! It was all about ME! I decided at that time to seek IC. I realized I needed to deal with the hurt, past emotional issues, and the anger with someone just there to listen to ME!! It sounds like you really need some ME TIME!! This is so difficult, believe me I know. I was abused as a child and thought I was holding my life together until this whacked me upside the head! Double whammy!! But I made it; maybe not fully intact, but I still made it. You can too, believe me! You need to concentrate on YOU right now before you can make any decisions about your M. If your H loves you as he says he does, then he will wait until you can feel right about what you are doing. It takes two to make it work. It sounds like the hurt is really getting the better of you these days! Try to take your mind off of it and do something special just for yourself. Pamper yourself Girl; you earned it!!

SNS-

Happy to hear you are getting the big BEAR hug! Hopeful recovery in the makin!! Good for you! You know, I read such sad stories, not that mine is any better, but I feel terrible if I am doing okay and see others hurting so badly. I want to post good things, but I feel guilty. I know that is ridiculous, but I was there also in the beginning, and know that horrible feeling in your gut that does not seem to go away, and I feel so sad for the people just starting to go thru it! Makes me want to cry sometimes. I feel that pain!! Nice to hear good news every now and then!! Keep up good work!!

Thanks Miranda!

Ofcourse if you've read this entire thread from MP's first post up until today you know that we've both been on that roller coaster where we feel good and then we feel awful, but as you said, it is all so sad and depressing it is nice to have some good news now and then to share. MP and I are usually at the opposite ends of the spectrum which we've jokingly said is probably good b/c when I'm down she helps pull me back up and vice versa (I hope).

AS for the MC, I agree good IC would be wonderful. I wish we could afford to go, but more than that I wish there was a really good one near here. The bad ones are easy to find and the good ones are few and far between.

We don't go to MC anymore. Ours was provided through H's work and I think he decided very early on that I was a b*tch and everything was my fault. He never really got H's role in anything re: the breakdown of our marriage, not to mention the devastation the A caused me. MY last session was when he told me (3 months post D-Day there abouts) to "get over it" and counseled me about how hard it would be for me to start over with two small children, one with special needs (I think he used the term "difficult") and that I wasn't getting any younger, blah, blah, blah!

I must say that I've read posts from other BS who've had female MC that weren't any better, so it is really depressing. It scares me to think that our M may be doomed without MC, so I hope to find a way to work that in somehow.

Miranda, I too went through three years of fertility treatments and a miscarriage. I believe that stress of all of that certainly contributed to the erosion of our M. Plus, all of those hormone injections did a number on me! I understand what going through all of that was like for you and your H. I'm sorry it didn't work out.

Talk to you both soon. -SNS

hi - I think you are both right that IC would be a good thing for me. I just don't know who to go to. I'm not sure I want to go to the same MC we both used. She was fine, but I always got the feeling she thought as long as my H was done with the A and doing all the right things that it was up to me to start taking steps. I think at the time and even now, I was thinking (as Miranda said) why do I want to hear about his needs and why he did this. It is all about me, my pain, and the devastation he has caused our family. I'm not sure I am past that yet, so going to her might not be the best choice. What do you guys think?

SNS - I am so happy that things are moving in the right direction for you. I truly hope you stay on this upward trend. I know it would be great for you and would certainly give me hope. I didn't realize what a jerk your MC was. Sounds like he is not the right person either. I know how expensive it can be, would you consider finding someone else and maybe just going 1X per month? It sounds like you're doing it without, but just in case you needed a mediator once in a while. The cell phone thing is really good. Unfortunately for me, OW can always call his work phone, so getting a new number would do no good. Sounds like your H is really making an effort.

Miranda - I think some pampering is a great idea. Unfortunatley, I never take the time. Between the kids and my mom, I barely get a second to myself. And when I do, I wallow in self-pity. What a waste of time!! I will definitely pursue the IC. Right now my H is willing to wait, it's me who is unwilling to even talk to him. I just can't let my guard down.

Hope you both have a good day - Keep up the good thoughts - MP

MP,

I do not think going to MC for your IC is a good idea (in my opinion). I started with IC, and then used her for MC, and ultimately for my H IC. She thought would be go idea to be totally involved. Not true! It was too confusing for her and for us and too closely connected on both ends. I needed my own IC and my H needed his own. MC separate issue altogether. Your IC should be just for you and you alone, to sort thru your issues. He should seek one as well, because he has issues of his own to deal with (proved that by the one having A). When both of you are ready after that; seek MC; so you can both come to table w/ clear heads! It is still very early in recovery for you. I was where you are for over a year (Don't get scared; everyone is different) I still have anger management issues from time to time. Things were good, he was very attentive, but then slips back into that distant phase again, and I cannot help but wonder what is on his mind. But, then I confront him, get it out in the open each time I feel that way. It helps. Not a cure, but helps. Get your H involved in the recovery full force as well to make sure he is on the same wave length. Don't make the mistake of pushing him further away, because it will just make it more difficult. Let him know you need time to get thru. If he loves you, he will definitely wait. Keep spirits up!

SNS-I went thru couple of MC's. First one a male; was on my side actually and really went at my H (which made him angry), but he was too old and seemed to get off track(kept telling my H to take me out for dinner or a weekend getaway) RIGHT! This was two months after D-DAY. If I had gone to dinner with him; I probably would have poisoned him! Weekend getaway is not going to do the trick! He just didn't get it. Next, got female MC; started off as my IC and then my H. I told her I needed to get A out in open because H would not speak about it. She finally tells me ok, we both meet her together, I bring it up, and she says "Don't go into unchartered territory". What the heck is that supposed to mean?? She made absolutely no sense. My H charmed the pants off of her and was not even being truthful during our sessions, and she believed every word! Then proceeds to tell me, he will probably never do it again (she must be psychic). I finally found IC before I relocated. She was absolutely wonderful! She was for me and only me, and I realized that is what I needed. MC will not take sides, even if it seems they are siding with H. They do not want to create anymore animosity, so they feel best to put the A away as bringing it up will only anger you more. I agree to that; however, I am type of person that must meet things head on before I can get over it. I am sure alot of us are like that. Keep looking, they say people go thru a few bad seeds before they find the right one (it is sort of like dating!) Good luck!

Hello MP and Miranda,

Well, yesterday was a bad day and today doesn't seem to be any better. Today marks 7 months since D-Day and H is on the way to the ER for a shoulder injury from playing football with the guys. Do they ever grow up???

Now he probably won't be able to work which will just eat up his sick time. It seems blatantly apparent that my H never learns anything and is just destined to continue making the same mistakes over and over and over. Why can't he just realize he is a grown man, not the highschool football star. So many childhood issues need to be resolved. When his parents divorced when he was 14, his dad sent him to live with his grandmother b/c she was scared to live alone after her husband died. She wouldn't sign the permission slip for H to play highschool football, so he has always felt deprived in that regard.

Everytime the guys from work set up a game, he wants to go and play. The last time he injured his ankle and couldn't work. I remember then him saying, "You're right. I won't do it anymore." Now, here we are, back in the same spot. Why can't he grow up and think of anything or anyone but himself? It is that same mentality that allowed him to have an A. Thinking about himself, his needs, his feelings, what he wanted. I am so angry right now!

Naturally, I didn't say you can't play football b/c you'll get hurt b/c then he would hold a grudge against me and those little grudges would build up and then 5 to 10 years from now we'd be on the brink of another D-Day. I don't want to be his mother, but the way he behaves, someone needs to be. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. If I let him make his own decisions, he never thinks...just acts and then is sorry latter. If I say no b/c this or that, he sulks like a baby and then falls in bed with the first bimbo that tells him he is a superstar.

Not to mention, this is his day off (which should be a day off for me) and he is out playing and having fun and now will be at the ER for 2+ hours while I am stuck at home (like always) with the kids! He keeps calling with the same 'ole dialogue, "You were right. I'm sorry. It will be alright. This is absolutely the last time I'll ever play football (cheat, lie, whatever)." Just words...empty, meaningless, broken-record, words.........!

-SNS

hi guys -
SNS- so sorry to hear things are not going well right now. I'll start by saying that things here have been calm and good for 3 days. It is almost eerie how this happens each time. Do you think it was just the football injury that started things spiraling downward or was there other stuff? I know it makes you feel like you can have no faith in him, the fact that he can't keep his word, but if it's only the football - don't let that ruin what has been going well. You have been working really hard to move forward, try not to let this damage all that. As soon as he is able, tell him you need some time. Let him take care of the kids while you get out a little. You sound exhausted and need a break. Maybe it will help you clear your head a little.
Has he done any IC? I know I am really trying to get my H to do some of that. I truly believe they need as much if not more than we do!

Hi Miranda - I agree with your analysis of the IC and MC situation. I really should get my own. I don't know if my H will. He is not all that comfortable with any kind of C, so since he knows our MC and feels comfortable, I think I have a better chance of him going there. What do you do now - at this stage? Do you still go to IC, MC? What about your H? I was interested to see you were where I was for over a year. I am fast approaching the 8-month mark and I can't believe how life has continued during this time. I don't know how, but somehow very little has changed and everything has changed. It is a very strange phenomenon.

I actually have the whole house to myself today so I am going to take advantage. SNS - I hope by the time you are reading this, things are better. I can't believe I'm saying this,(by next week you'll be reminding me of this) but you know how much better it feels when things are good and when you let him in, so if nothing else try for your sake, so you can feel better. Be selfish if you need to. Let me know how things are going. Good luck. MP

Hello all,

MP, I am glad things are going better for you. I think the approaching Valentine's Day is hard for me as H and I got engaged during that time and it brings back alot of memories for me. H dislocated his shoulder and has been home for the last three days so being together 24/7 is hard too b/c it makes me want to talk (something he doesn't like to do).

Have you told your H you forgive him yet? I said it once, but it was right b/4 I left with the children to evacuate b/4 a storm so I think I said it more hoping H wouldn't have contact with OW while we were out of state vs. really meaning it b/c I don't feel in my heart the capacity to forgive yet. Why I can't let it go is beyond me. It would be so easy if I could just move on and put it in the past.

H says it wasn't anything about OW, other than the fact that she made it so available, made it so easy. He says it was all about him. He said it is like it wasn't even him doing those things. He said he was just feeling so lost and unloved and like such a failure in my eyes and he was just looking for anything to make himself feel better. He says being with her never made him feel better yet he carried on for 8 or 9 weeks...? He says if not her, someone else. He said she was just a substitute and she meant nothing.

I guess there is some truth in that seeing as how he broke it off with her and never had any relapse or withdrawal, but it still doesn't make it easier to deal with. Maybe if he hadn't ended up in bed with her for the 2nd time on the night he went to her house to "break it off" I would buy it, but having sex (or attempting to as he says he couldn't complete the act) makes it that much harder for me. I can't understand how he could end up naked in her bed if he went there b/c he wanted it to be over.

Anyway, sorry to ramble. How has your mom been feeling? I hope well. Again, I am glad things are going better for you. What do you attribute the good times to? Do you block it out of your mind or does it just fade away for a while?

-SNS

<small>[ March 08, 2005, 06:49 PM: Message edited by: Still-n-Shock ]</small>

hi there - once again, I want to cut and paste your words because they are my words. I have not told my H I forgive him because I don't. I also have not told him that I love him, even though he says it all the time. I just don't feel it yet. We had a few good days, then 1 really bad night, and now it is okay again. I guess that's good because the bad isn't lasting as long as it used to. My MC said this, and I believe it to be true - as soon as we are close for a few days, I retreat, find some reason(s) to be angry and start the cycle all over again. I think I do it so I don't ever let my guard down fully, and don't ever get fooled again. It's silly, because I am only hurting myself, but I can't seem to help it.

Your H and mine should have a conversation. The "it had nothing to do with her, it was all about me and feeling wanted and needed . . ." Only difference is mine did it for 5 months! I still don't understand how they take that first step, the first kiss, the first touch. I don't understand how they could sleep with two people at the same time. I guess it's because they are men and men can do that. (so can his OW for that matter)

I know what you mean about dates. The memories of specific dates are such triggers and that I can not help you with. As I said a few days ago, this is the time it started last year, and I am having so much trouble with it. Almost everything that comes up I find myself saying well last year you weren't here for the --- Oh, you were in FL. with her. I imagine it is going to go on this way for quite a few months.

By the way, as far as your H being home and not wanting to talk - how are you handling that? Are you forcing the issue or just letting it go? I have not seen the Surviving Infidelity site. I will check it out later. Also, the new investigative website sounds interesting. Do I have to have her SS# to get the info? I don't have it and that has been a block to all info. Let me know.
My mom is doing much better - unfortunately she has to start radiation treatments next week and that will be a tough 7 weeks. But right now she is feeling well - thanks. Hope things are better there. You know I am always pulling for you. Keep me posted! MP

Hello MP,

I don't think you need a SSN or anything like that. If you have a phone # or an address that will suffice. Pretty interesting as you'll see when you visit the site.

I really don't know how I fell into this slump, but it is a bad one. I just can't wrap my head around the fact that my H was cultivating a relationship with OW right under my nose and I had no clue. How he could be so cold, calculating and uncaring is beyond me. What is even more unreal is that this is the same man who says he never stopped loving me and won't agree to a divorce without a fight. He keeps saying how he has changed and how he knows now what is important and what he wants out of life. How much he loves me and the children and how he knows with every fiber of his being he will never, ever cheat again. How he isn't even that person anymore and never will be again.

To all of that I say, "Well I am so happy that you feel better and that you're a better man. What I can't understand is why you felt the need to destroy me in order to finally become the man you should have been all along. In making yourself better, you've made me worse. I hope it was worth it for you."

He wants me to get a sitter so we can go out Saturday or Sunday night to celebrate V's Day. I told him I didn't feel too much like being a hypocrite this weekend. I can understand how it takes little effort for him to fake something that should have importance since he did that the whole time he was carrying on with OW and pretending to be the perfect H to me.

You know, to be honest, I just don't think he has suffered not even 1/10th of what I've suffered and I just don't see the justice in that. He betrays our wedding vows, gets to have all of the flirtation and excitement and newness that comes from the start of a new romance, gets to use and discard her without a backward glance (not that I give a sh*t what happened to her b/c she knew he was married and pursued him anyway), gets to stay in the M, enjoy the benefits that I bring to the table, watch his children grow up and live each day, maintain the respect of his friends, family, collegues, etc... (all b/c we've kept his dirty secret), reflect on his growth and maturation as a human being, philosophize about how he is a changed man and how good he feels about himself (apparently confession cleansed his soul and shattered mine)...all the while I feel like my life is over. I ponder what could have been and grieve for the 10 years I've lost plus all the years ahead of me that I'm contemplating sacrificing for the safety and sake of my children. I mourn my youth and my naivety, my self respect and my dignity. I hate him so much at times it is palpable. I can't stand the fact that my fate and the fate of my innocent children is tied forever to a man with such low morals and poor judgment.

He just doesn't get it...he doesn't understand why I'm not "over it" already. Can't I see that he has changed? Didn't I hear him when he promised it would never happen again? Haven't I noticed how much more he helps around the house? Doesn't it mean anything that he is now home more and accounts for his time and whereabouts??? What is he looking for, a trophy? I did all of that and more for 10 years while still managing to remain faithful and gorw two human beings inside of me and all it got me was cheated on!

Sorry MP. I won't vent on my next post. I promise. I hope your Mom's treatments go well. Is she still seeing the MD you knew from college (it was college right)? I hope you have a nice weekend. Thanks for writing to me even thought I have been very depressing of late.

-SNS

This is my first post, some of this is very hard to read, It has almost been a year since I found out. I can relate with the good days and bad days, It is starting to be more good than bad, But I wanted to pass along something that was Very helpful to me..Because I found myself consumed with memories of all of the thinks I should have seen but didnt..Anyway A friend of mine said that everytime I thought about things that he had done to say in my head "I forgive him for that" to be honest I thought "whatever that cant possibly help, obviously she does not understand the extreme pain that I am feeling"... But I tried it the fist few days I must have repeated that phrase a million times...and it helped, It got fewer and fewer every day, I still need say it couple times a day, It is getting better. and much less consuming.

hey there - Please don't feel badly about being depressed. I am more than happy to listen and to try and help in any way - you have certainly done that for me enough times. Maybe you should try going out for V-Day - forget the meaning of the holiday and just go out. Maybe it will snap you out of this funk and you could start feeling better. I know how hard it is to even say the word yes to going, but do it. If it is awful, you can always come home early.

I read what you write about your H and honestly it is the same story here. As much as it all sickens me, I do believe they want to make it work. Sometimes, when I'm feeling okay, I try to say, I am responsible for making him feel so lousy before. Not that it ever makes what he did okay, but I can understand how he felt like crap. When I'm not feeling okay, that thought doesn't even enter my head. Sometimes I even try to envision the OW as someone who H was with before me. I never got upset or jealous about previous relationships. So I try and imagine it in the same way. Unfortunately, when you are feeling down, none of these methods seem to work, but maybe you can use them when you feel better.

Also, he needs to understand that you are not even close to being over it and commit himself for the long haul. I know you have said he doesn't like talking about it all the time, but he has got no choice here. We all know talking is the only way to get past any of this. I find the less we talk, the worse we are. Things just build up until I explode (and trust me that is not a pretty site).

All I can really say is you know this will pass. It always does and like Miranda once said, we are probably not ready to really call it quits. When you are ready, you'll do it. So, in the meantime, make yourself feel better. Did you tell him you want to take some time this weekend to do your own stuff? Make sure you have some alone time. I also hope you decide to go out. I think it will make you feel better. Please remember all these words so in a week when you are in a better place and I am feeling like ****, you can copy and paste them back to me. Try to have a good weekend, I am pulling for you! MP

To our new post - it's nice to hear from you. I like the advice your friend gave you. I will certainly try it. It can't hurt, although I can't begin to imagine how many times a day I will be saying that. Let us know how you are doing. We always like to hear from people in our situation. We can all help one another.

MP,

Thanks for the kind words. The anger has pretty much past me, just sad and quiet now. We are planning to go out to eat tonight, even though I am sick with strep throat. All of this stress has worn down my immune system and I seem to be constantly under the weather. I'm picking up a Z-pac at the pharmacy at 2:00 p.m. so I hope to be better in a couple of days.

I even went to Blockbuster yesterday and bought H one of his favorite all time movies for V's Day. I have two cards as well. Not sure if I'll give them to him or not yet. It was so hard shopping for a card b/c they're all so mushy and lovey dovey...talking about trust and being your one and only, blah, blah, blah! H gave me two cards this morning. I don't think he has a gift for me. I'm going to wait until tomorrow to give him his gift. If I give it to him today he will rush around tomorrow trying to get me something or go and spend a fortune on roses. I can understand if he doesn't give me a gift, I guess, as he probably feels like he is in a no win situation no matter which route he takes. Thanks again for everything you said b/4. I know you're right of course.

jlangley,

Thanks for the suggestion. I will try it. I know the anger and resentment is hurting me more than anyone else. It is really taking its toll on me. I try to rise above it, I really do, but sometimes it just gets the best of me. I'm glad you chimed in and look forward to chatting with you.

-SNS

HI SNS and MP64,
I hope you both had a "good day" today, you are both in my prayers. The first eight months seems like the pain and the memories will never fade, but they do, I still have resentment, (somedays worse than others) but I try to keep it hidden. My H is finally expressing his grattitude and thankfulness that I am still here, and that helps me quite a bit. But that seemed to have taken months to happen. he used to say "I wish you would just get over it, too" that cut me like a knife. but lately he will say things like "I dont deserve you" It does make me feel better. although in my head I say "your right buddy you dont!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> As hard as it may seem just try to be a good wife and let your very best shine through. If he dont already, I think he will realize that he too, is a very lucky man that you are still by his side.

I've read this entire thread and it took considerable time to wade through it all. This thread began in late October which was right around D-day for me. My wife of 21 plus years chose to betray me and our three children last year. I phrase it in that manner because it was my 20 year old son who first alerted me to his concerns about what Mom might be doing.

It began as an EA on the internet for about six months early last year and then progressed to a PA mid-year. Since an affair begins within the framework of lies and deception, I chose complete honesty in dealing with it in terms of all of our children including my wife's mother who had a great deal of compassion for me because it was my wife's father who had done the same thing to my MIL ( they eventually divorced after their five daughters left home because of his alcoholism and non-stop philandering ). When my 15 year old daughter asked me point blank what was going on with Mom I simply knew I could not lie to her and give her an excuse to possibly lie in the future regarding something as destructive as this. Before it was all said and done within one week of D-day, I had even met and shook hands with the other man who had twice flown all the way over from the UK to spend time with my wife here in the states. I wanted to beat the crap out of him when I first discovered he was still in my hometown, but after a few days I cooled down and decided on a far different approach. Anyway, D-day just happened to fall in the middle of his second trip to our hometown which lasted over two weeks. His first trip lasted a month--half of which was spent right here in my own hometown right under my nose. He flew here strictly to be with my wife--it was never for anything else. His last and final trip was all spent in our hometown, but little did he know on his last day here, which was over a week past D-day, that my wife, myself, and my MIL would all drive him to the airport. I had discovered everything that had been ( and still was at that time ) going on hours after installing a keylogger on all of our home computers. IMO, you have to be armed with the whole truth before you can confront an issue such as this. The keylogger ultimately blew the lid off of everything.

I suppose I decided to share this here in this thread to remind everyone interested in reading this that in spite of the old saying; Time heals all wounds...the truth is that in terms of relationships, time heals absolutely nothing. Rather, it's all about what you do with the time. For me, forgiveness was not an option, it was a commandment if I chose to remain in my marriage and preserve my home and family. Of course, I went through a living hell. We all do, but so did my wife. She did not escape the ramifications of this at all and neither did any of the other spouses mentioned in this thread. There simply comes a time when you must drive a stake in the ground, re-commit your lives to one another and move forward. If you choose to remain in your anger and unforgiveness, you will never progress and you will only succeed in making yourself very ill both emotionally and physically. You may even drive your offended spouse away who is currently making his best effort to help restore your marriage.

I believe anyone who experiences this kind of betrayal has a right to a divorce. If you choose that option you are confronted with a whole new set of dynamic issues and complexities that you must address; We all want someone who will never betray us...someone we can trust without reservation--as I once did my wife. Do you think your next potential spouse will come with a written guarantee? My wife swore on numerous occasions before and after our wedding that she would never do this to me! She said she had learned from experience that betrayal was never a valid option and that it was one she would never ever choose. She meant what she said and I will never doubt that she honestly said what she meant at that time. She simply failed to follow through...and that which I never feared has now become my reality. My point is that you can never know. All you can do is affair proof your marriage as described on this website to the best of your abilities. My wife and I have found the information offered on this website to truly be invaluable. We filled out the Emotional Needs questionnaire and found that we were extremely compatible because we prioritized the list almost identically the same. How often does that happen? Needless to say, we are progressing well and moving beyond this fairly rapidly. Yes, I stumble and fall on occasion, which occurred two days ago right after reading this thread. I found that some of the exchanges in this thread tended to perpetuate the feeling of anguish and animosity and it brought back all of those feelings for me as well. As a result, I had to very quickly let go of those horrific memories and images that we're all plagued with. As for MC, we did that for about two months. I believe it did help my wife to a greater degree than it did me, but we both agree that the info offered on this website by Dr. Harley has helped us far more than the MC ever did. The MC was rather expensive, but dirt cheap if it can help to save your marriage and prevent the legal entanglements of a divorce.

My wife and I are putting most all of the suggestions on the main website into use. We are spending the minimum of 15 hours of quality time together and are indulging in weekend getaways once a month. In addition, we have both addressed our LBs. The net effect is that it is working wonders for us. Lastly, keep in mind that affairs do not happen in a vacuum. It generally takes two people failing to meet each other's needs. I was guilty of not giving my wife the attention she needed. Basically, I neglected her needs and I have to confront my role in all of this. That does not excuse or justify what she did to me and our family and she knows that. All it does is shine the light on me as well and I now know how dangerous it is to neglect to pay my wife the attention that she needs, requires, and deserves to feel loved. I failed her in that area, but never will again.

Lastly, will I ever be able to trust my wife completely again? No, I won't, but you see I'm okay with that because I don't have to trust a hundred per cent in order to help make this marriage a success. I trusted without reservation for over 20 years of marriage and look what happened. I wasn't vigilant because I took my wife's love and commitment to me and our family for granted. I will never ever take anything my spouse has to offer for granted again...and I do not believe she will either.

Best to all,

GN

> We are spending the minimum of 15 hours of quality time together <

Should read; We are spending the minimum of 15 hours of quality time together every week .