marriage is forever?:
I guess, I told her about this place so that she could see what I am thinking and going through. One of her issues with me has always been that I have been withdrawn from her. I figured this was a good way to open myself up to her and show her what I am feeling and going through.The problem is that you are acting as if the woman you are dealing with now is the same woman you were married to before she had an affair. She is not. That woman, the one who complained that you didn't share with her, wanted to have an intimate and connected relationship with you.
The woman who is having an affair with someone else does not want that. In fact there is probably very little that she wants less than that.
When your spouse is having an affair there are things you need to do to work towards bringing about an end to the affair and to protect your marriage. Most of them are things your spouse is going to be really really unhappy about. Confrontation, exposure, and most likely Plan B. Telegraphing that you are going to do those things and the strategies behind them makes about as much sense as calling Al Quaeda and inviting them into the strategic planning sessions for the war.
Your wife is an addict. She is under the influence and addicted to the chemicals produced in her brain in reaction to this other person in her life. Any hint of a threat to that addiction is not going to be taken graciously - quite the opposite. Showing her all the support, strategy, and belief system behind that threat to the addiction is not helpful.
Although, I do talk to her about my feelings a lot more since this whole saga began.That is an excellent plan.
"Honey, I'm hurt and horrified that this is going on. I'd like it to stop," is a good choice. "I'm doing xyz (which you will hate) based on the advice people I met online - here read it," is not.
As a matter of fact, I think this helps me talk to her and express my feelings. I often have a hard time putting my feelings into words and if I can sit in front of the keyboard and think about how I want to say them then I am able to talk to her about those feelings. One issue that has come up was someone replied to one of my posts and their words described what I had been trying to come up with the words for so I borrowed their wording. She told me she thought I was being fake, and just saying things to win her back. I explained it as if you were at the store buying a greeting card. You read 20-30 before you find the one that says what you want to say. It was just a way for me to get my feelings across that I couldn't come up with the words for. And did she buy the greeting card explanation or was she just annoyed with the entire situation?
I guess, I am just trying to subscribe to SH policy of radical honesty.Yes, I am quite aware of the PORH - I trained with Willard Harley (it's his concept, btw, not Steve's), worked as a volunteer MB mentor for couples after the weekend, and continue to work professionally in the marriage community.
I am keeping no secrets from my W and she can confirm what I tell her about my feelings by following up here if she so wishes. Telling her HOW YOU FEEL, is great. Having her read your posts and others' replies here is not going to help you. Does it violate the PORH? I suppose one could make a case for it, and I have often suggested that people not post here if their spouse is not aware and enthusiastic about doing so. However, when there is active infidelity or other addiction there are steps you need to take to protect the marriage that may mean not following all the rules otherwise laid out by MB.
C
