found out my husband for two months had decided to
keep a "platonic" relationship with his ex lover.
I found emails they sent as recently as yesterday.
He denied any connection with her up until he was caught. He says they have not been sexual, just luncheons, talks. Just yesterday I found an email he sent her telling her to call him at work since I was too close by for him to talk. When confronted he insisted that he was just being rebellious since I insisted he could not be her friend and to cease that "friendship" at first he wasn't very apologetic about the "found" communications. I also found a letter he wrote to a friend stating he thought he was having a panic attack when he married me and mouthed the vows but under his breath was saying, "what am Id oing" I found out that he had been sharing intimate details of our love life, and sharing my emails to him with her. Should I divorce him?

Welcome. I'm a veteran of the Emotional Infidelity wars. Your husband sounds just like my husband did when his friendship with another woman became more important than our marriage.

Had we not had a child, I would not have tried to recover the marriage. I still don't know whether the choice to stay was right.

What are the details of your situation? Long time marriage? minor children? Own a business together with your H? You have to decide if you are better off married to him or divorced from him.

Only you can make that decision.

Details: He was married before; cheated quite a bit. I was married before didn't cheat. We dated five years; he continuously lied and cheated. many false starts and stops. Separated from him
in April, no contact, he calls in August says he's cleaned up his act. However doesn't really mention a woman he's been seeing. We marry she won't go away. I asked him, and her to stop talking long enough for us to have a marriage. She calls and calls broken hearted, he decides he needs to mend her broken heart by giving her attention. He insists there was no sex. How woudl I know? I am angry and devastated. He is begging me not to divorce him but with his history and the recent happening, how can I feel safe?

Dear JW!

This may sound callus, but it is not. Cut your losses now and run. Later that inevitable outcome will just be more and more "costly" to you emotionally, economically, and in terms of human relations with people like in-laws. Not to mention the problems there will be if you have common children.

God bless!

It looks like you've married a serial cheater who believes there is nothing wrong with this kind of behaviour no matter what you think or feel. Even if he does eventually concede to your wishes, how long will it be until next time. There will be a next time...Can you live with that? How can you trust someone who only sees you as second? Obviously his heart is not present in this relationship nor any other.

If this is not how you want to live your life, my suggestion would be to get an annulment or divorce from this person and protect yourself.

I finally saw him for who he was after two days of discussing and arguing. I just said get out and I am filing for divorce (starting the process)tomorrow. It hurts because I had hope despite the signs and because it seems like a failure. It also hurts because I realize he was taking me for a ride and wasn't honest about anything. I was played for a fool for so long. But at any rate, it's over now and I am on the road to recovery.

Here at MB we tend to advice fighting for the M even against high odds. But in your case I think your choice is the best one.

But don' leave MB. Also in this situation MB can be helpful to you. And you can be helpful to others. Posting to others and helping them is helping your own wounds to heal. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Your wounds will be open and bleeding for quite some time, even after you have distanced yourself from him. Accept the pain, don't fight it. You have to mourn a loss, even if you now conclude that he was not worth keeping.

Thank you, I believe I mourned this loss for five years and this was just the final straw. Frankly I felt my actual heart tearing apart. It is still as you say painful. I would have liked to have fought for this marriage, but I felt outmatched.
he had no belief in God, none in morals and non in convention. I could not see spending so much time in therapy and counseling not that i am against it, it's just that he is so manipulative that I frankly couldn't stand being in the same room with him and worrying about what he'd lie about next. The support is appreciated