I found out a month ago that my husband of 24 years had been e-mailing women for dinner, drinks and "fun". When he was approached about this he also admitted to having met a woman on line, and had sex just once with her four years earlier. He said he knew it was a mistake right away, and never saw her again We agreed that going to marriage counseling was the way to go, and have been going for a couple of weeks. Things looked like thay would improve, although he has several other issues to deal with including never accepting our two learning disabled boys and the fact that we are on the opposite ends of the sexual intercourse frequency scale. He wants it all the time, and I don't care if I have it every two weeks or so. I thought that these were problems we could work through.
After my session with the MC yesterday, something he said about what would happen if my husband had another affair..would I throw him out.( You see my husband had admitted these infidelities to him) A little light went off in my head, and when I approached my husband, he admitted that he had met with four other women...the same way as before. I am very depressed by this recent admission and am not sure what to do. I don't have anyone close to me that I can talk to, so I am turning to all of you who have had experience with this sort of thing.I can't even talk to my husband, as he left on a business trip right after he told me about the other infidelities and won't be back until Sunday night.

I still love my husband,and would like to try to put this behind us. I'm not sure he knows what he wants. I just would like to know if any of you have made it to the other side of something like this, or is it hopeless. Any counsel will be welcome...or if you have any more questions about the situation, I will be happy to comply.

Hi once,

Welcome to the forum...happy to have you, but sorry you're here. Here's a hug ((((((((once)))))))))sounds like you could use one.

I want to give you some really straight talk. Your situation is slightly different than most of the folks here. In some ways it's worse, other better. But dealing with chronic infidelity is much more difficult than a one time occurrence. It's harder because it's a pattern, a habitual problem. Your husband is a sexual addict...and the work you need to look up is being done by Patrick Carnes who is considered the expert in identifying and treating sexual addiction. Your husband doesn't care about these women...so it isn't a typical affair that responds well to the Dr. Harley's strategies. Please let me warn you right now...DO NOT...let anyone here tell you that should be doing Plan A. Please trust me on this...is does not apply to addictions and will not work. Less experienced posters may suggest it...but it won't help you...in fact...it will only help create an environment that will allow this to continue...so don't do it.

It's possible that your low sex drive aggravated this addiction....but my guess is started in his teens and it's progressed to this stage. Be realistic about what this means for you and whether you are capable of enduring a future that repeats this pattern over and over.

I personally would not even consider moving forward with this marriage unless your husband was willing to do several things:

*enter a 12 step sexual addiction program to help him REALLY face this demon.

*agree to open his entire life to scruntiny...every bit of it...financially, emotionally, acountable for time, emails, cell phones etc.

*take the computer completely out of the house

Chere....please remember that Harley's work is not designed to help with addictions...and there is no question that this is what you are living with.

Blessings to you....this is a hard case chere...and I'm not saying it's hopeless...but I think an honest evaluation of how difficult...is better than candy-coating this one.

hugs

Thank you for your reply..obviously not the type of response I was hoping for ..but what I was expecting I guess. I do know that my husband is willing to try to resolve our issues. He has removed AOL from our computer (his way to contact the women), and has agreed to open up any documentation, bills, etc. that I request to see. His last offense..besides the couple of e-mails I intercepted, was over a year ago, and I truly think he felt he would never get caught. Am I nieive to think that now that I am watching his every move and it is out in the open, that he will attempt to correct the behavior? or is he destined to repeat the same mistakes full well knowing that it will be the end of the marriage.

Just wanted to let you know I would and do trust star*fish. And I know from reading on here for years that Harleys methods do not work on addicts of any type.

once,

Destined? No chere. Like alcoholism, this addiction never really goes away...but it can be controlled and folks can live normal and wonderful lives. Many alcoholics become sober, and sexual addicts can can reach the equivalent of that...but the programs that are the most successful in addressing that sort of thing are 12 step programs that have accountablity partners and know this addiction inside and out. Just like ICs have a very poor record of success with alcoholism...it's not that different with this addiction. They need other folks who understand from experience, and empathize. They need guidance and honesty in an environment where they are not judged or coddled but empowered to face this issue. And it's a hard road. It can be done...people do it everyday.

So, I'm not saying there is no hope, this is NOT impossible to recovery from....but help your husband find the right kind of help and don't back down until he completes something like this. Ask your therapist about it. If you don't, I'm very frightened for you because I think it's extremely rare that he could do it on his own.

I'm so sorry chere....wish I had other advice.

<small>[ October 29, 2004, 09:46 AM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

From Dr. Carnes site:

12 Step Groups for SA

Christian Recovery International
Grant Me The Serenity... Self-Help & Recovery
Online Sexual Addiction
Recovering Couples Anonymous
S-Anon
SLAA - Dallas
SLAA - Houston Intergroup
Sex Addicts Anonymous
Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous FWS
Sex Workers Anonymous
Sexual Compulsives Anonymous
Sexual Recovery Anonymous

links for all of these here:http://www.sexhelp.com/help.cfm


Online test for SA:

http://www.sexhelp.com/internet_screening_test.cfm