Hi all, I am new to this forum but I'd like to share my story.

I recently discovered my wife of 23 years (a virgin when we married and had only been with me as her sexual partner)had a sexual-emotional affair with one of my married best friends of over 20 years. We both have families of our own and this affair has rocked both families to the core. This was discovered by his wife around four weeks ago and she let me know. She challenged my wife and she confessed immediately, once discovered - no cover ups, or denial.
Having been to hell on the worst journey of my life (hopefully now on my way back), the affair with "him" is over as far as I know (stopped immediately) and I am working with my W to find a reconciliation. Having read all the stuff on this site, it is clear that I have to take some responsibility for the breakdown in our marriage which has led to this nasty situation. We had been having some pretty awful difficulties for the last two years or so but I had never in my wildest dreams expected her to take this course of action. She clearly had fallen out of love with me or had reached a level of desperation for a need which I obviously wasn't fulfilling adequately. I think these needs of her were for basically proper dedicated conversation and real emotional support of her when she needed it. I failed on both counts. Having accepted this, I have applied all the principles I have learnt from the site & the books in an attempt to rebuild her love for me and so far it appears to be working so very well.She has changed since the affair and seems to want to recover our relationship as much as I do. We get closer every day and appear to be making great progress in a very short period of time. I am still on the rollercoaster and I still hurt a lot. I just cannot shake the images of them together in my mind and I dont know whether I will ever be able to have sex with her again.

Should I worry? Is this going too fast - what do I need to watch out for? Will I be able to put the images out of my mind and make love to her again? Can I ever trust again and indeed should I?

Any help or comments appreciated.

Should I worry?

Is this going too fast - what do I need to watch out for? Watch for slipping back into behaviours of your own, which were not filling your FWW's needs. Watch for further contact between FWW and OM. Watch your FWW's actions, rather listening to her words, towards her committment back to the marriage.


Will I be able to put the images out of my mind and make love to her again?

Perhaps, perhaps not. It will be up to you to decide how long to hold on to those visions. The degree of your FWW's committment to the marriage will directly impact how long the visions last, though.

Can I ever trust again and indeed should I?

Not if you believe Willard Harley. The trust you will have for her in the future will depend on her daily actions now, and in the future. You should certainly give her the trust she earns, but you should never offer blind trust, no married couple should

If you haven't read Surviving an Affair, by Willard Harley, it would help you immensely. Also, read His Needs/Her Needs, as well.

The No Contact part of recovery is perhaps the most important part, and you should discuss a No Contact letter to the OM, as spelled out in SAA.

Good luck
SD

GB,

What you are going through is perfectly normal and typical. Keep in mind that recovery is a one day at a time process which cannot be rushed. Also remember that your W is also probably going through haunting images of her own that she'd rather forget. She also has to deal with the guilt from pain and devastation she and the OM brought to two families. Whatever friendship existed between the two families, it is now gone forever. She may even be fighting some feelings of unworthyness of being your W. I know that right now it is very hard for you to do this but a little bit of empathy on your part can go a long way to helping not only her recovery but yours as well.

GB,
This happenened to me and we had been married 20 years. My husband has been truely remorseful. He came to me and told me after he told her it was over and she threatened him by saying she was going to tell me. Your recovery sounds about like mine and my H. We became inseperable. We talked and talked. We cried together and finally started making plans for a future together. It has been 7 months since I found out and Ilove him more now than I think I ever have. Trust? No I don't trust him but it is very slowly coming back. He knows that we are very honest with each other. He does what ever it takes to help me so that I am comfortable with all the different emotions. I love him for this because it could be so different. A phone call to say he is on his way home or access to his cell phone. What ever it might be to help me. Being intimate with my husband was not an issue for us because we had grown so far apart it was like coming together again. I had nights when I would wake up from a dream of him having sex with the other woman and would be crying. He was there to comfort me and sometimes cry with me. One day at a time and keep going forward.
Molly

Your recovery sounds alot like mine. We were in the honeymoon stage for so long. Now, 9 months tomorrow, the pain and feelings and anger emerge. It's that darn rollercoaster. I have been told here it takes 2 years to fully get to a place of being past the grieving the loss.

God forgave us of our sin, therefore, I believe we should try to forgive others. That does not mean put our heads in the sand. I don't know if I will ever fully "trust" my husband again.

Feelings need expressed and vented. Do not let them eat you up or bottle them up till you explode. The recovery board is a great place to be and there are some experienced veterans....atruheart, swimming, cv55, to name a few that have such great words.

MC is a necessity.

best wishes

Hello Goodbloke,

Welcome to MB although I am sorry you are here for Infidelity.

Please know that Infidelity is one of THE worst experiences you can ever go through in life,it is terribly traumatic.Since you are here,let us help you.Here are a few standard applications you can begin to think about:

1) I assume that you have the books Dr.Harley suggests since you mentioned reading some so that is good.They can help you to understand the dynamics of an A and what approach to take in healing.

2) Read up specifically on Plan A.Your WW is either in the throws of the A still or the withdrawal,and so is OM.This is a very difficult time for them both.Most often,ending the A doesn't happen on the first try.The adulterers find ways of continuing contact because of the emotions.Expect that your WW might be dishonest about the end of the A and that she may be hiding ways to contact the OM.Same goes for him.Things might appear to be going well at first,but when the enormity of everything comes flooding in,many WS's jump ship and just can't deal with all the pain.Just be very prepared that this is far from the end of it.

3) Counseling.If you are not in it yet,you need to get into it pronto(pro-marriage),with or without your WW(preferably with).This problem is not something you can handle alone.You both need professional help.

4) Take care of yourself and check in with your doctor if you are unable to eat,sleep or function properly.Many of us here are taking AD's(antidepressants) because of the severe emotional swings and pain associated with Infidelity.I took them for the first 10 months and they helped me so much.

5) Keep coming back to post for support and to vent your feelings.And, do check in whenever you can.Many of us regulars here worry when we don't hear from newbies. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Just want to be sure you are hanging in there for the long haul that this entails.

6) Lastly,the "Movies" that play over and over again in your mind about the OM and your WW are indeed quite disturbing and awful and for many,they don't go away for some time.In my case,I had to retrain my mind to stop the influx of these thoughts and think of other things.There's no magic cure to help these things to stop coming but do try alternate imagery or maybe even meditation.

Do not trust your WW right now OK? She has broken that trust between you and she has to EARN it back,over time,through her actions and care of YOU.You cannot afford to trust anything she says or does fully.Just keep that in mind.**Actions speak louder than words,watch for that.

And rememebr,YOUR WW is 100% responsible for making the CHOICE to commit adultery to solve her problems or fill her needs instead of going through proper channels or making more approriate and less painful decisions as she did.Adultery is never the answer to anything,EVER,so don't be too hard on yourself for what you did or didn't do.We all do the balme game at first but your WW and the OM were WAY Wrong to do what they did and hurt so many in the process and now they have to deal with the fallout.I am sure they will wish they never even thought about it in the days to come.SO much pain,all around.

Hope this helps to start.

O

Hi to all that have left me such nice messages.Your support is great and helps me immensely.

I will take heed of everything that has been suggested and take this one day at a time. We are still making progress towards a recovery but I am being very careful and watching out for the danger signs of any further contact with OM.
I shall post again in a few weeks with an update as to how things are going.

Thanks again.

GB.