I am new to this as of Halloween. We were at a party and lots of drinking was going on....my husband dissapearred for about 15 minutes and i found out the next day he was outside messing around with a relative of mine. No intercourse happened but was going to happen he told me. We were calling his and her name looking for them and they stopped whatever they were doing. Kissing and fondeling each other i found out. Im numb, shocked, hurt.....i am on a massive rollercoaster of emotion. He has been the most wonderful , devoted husband til this point. Was it the alcohol. I know for a fact he was very very drunk. He told me everything....i gave him many opportunities to tell the whole truth and it all came out yesterday. I have no clue how to handle this. We have decided to stay together and work through this we have 3 wonderful children and by many family and friends are considered the ideal couple. We have 100% honesty with each other and always have. He has never cheated on me til that night. Was it in fact cheating? What is considered cheating. Fooling around with the intent of intercourse.........i dont understand it. He tells me he was not in his right mind...considering most of the time he cant stand this person. He tolerates her , because she is my family! Im so confused....i need some help...can anyone tell me how to deal with this.
Betrayed wife

I'm no expert but it doesn't sound as bad as you think it is.
Alcohol is no excuse for DWI but it likely is more understandable SWI.

brian

Not bearing any bad news...but there's more to this than you're seeing.

Bells are going off all over the place.

First off...if it's someone he usually "can't stand"...alchohol doesn't explain it. The "not being able to stand her"...is an act.

The opportunity didn't just COME OUT OF THE BLUE...especially at a party. People were looking for them... it was a planned meeting.

Go forward with THAT information. And don't make excuses for him...this will only come back and bite you in the end.

How did you find out initially ? Did H tell you ? Or did someone else tell you..and when confronted with undeniable proof..he came clean ?

There are reasons for my questions.

Many people find out this way...your situation isn't unique...but I'll get more help over here.

Keep posting...we'll get you through. I'm so sorry you're here...but marriages can and do recover from this every day of the week.

Hang in there.

I am sooo sorry that you have found yourself here. But you couldn't be in a better place. Welcome to MB. Was it cheating? Yes. Was it thought out and anything more than alcohol? Doesn't sound like it. Sooo...maybe this happened because something is lacking in the marriage? I am very new myself to MB, but my most immediate advice is to take the EN survey. Both of you. This way you can discover which EN aren't being met.

Everything you are feeling is normal. Post here as often as you need and as the emotions surface. Everyone here is so supportive.
You will over come this. We are all here for you.

Hugs,
Loving

Betrayed Wife,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Was it in fact cheating? What is considered cheating. Fooling around with the intent of intercourse.........i dont understand it. He tells me he was not in his right mind...considering most of the time he cant stand this person. He tolerates her , because she is my family! Im so confused....i need some help...can anyone tell me how to deal with this.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, it was cheating. Any inappropriate touching or emotional involvement is cheating, isn't it? I don't buy the "he wasn't in his right mind" line, do you? If he will do it drunk he will do it sober, maybe not in front of everyone but he would have done it all the same. The desire to do it was there and that is what he needs to work on.

Why drunk or sober did he turn to another woman for sexual favors? The fact that he doesn't really like her doesn't mean much other than the fact that he felt she was available to him. He probably doesn't like her and considers her "easy" and the is the reason he was with her. There was no effort involved and no emotional involvement with her.

You are luckier than most of us here, you have the opportunity to deal with the issues in your marriage without the pain of a PA or an EA. You don't have to deal with your husband physically being with someone else and all of the baggage that goes with that. Get counseling, find out what is missing from your relationship and why this happened and fix it. Think of it as a siren going off, leave things alone and shove them under a rug and the next time it will be worse.

Cathy

Thank you all for the welcome.......im feeling better already knowing im not alone.
I know my hubby better then anyone..he is my true soul mate and lover! I had a very terrible gut feeling about that night. I confronted him and asked him and he told me everything..it took sometime but it all finally came out. I love this man and he has been nothing but faithful and devoted working 2 jobs to give us everything we have ( i work also p/t and take care of the house, kids, laundry, cooking everything domestic and yard work if possible to make his life easier so he can spend time with us when he is home) We have been married almost 11 years and have had no major bumps in our road until now. He tells me he has no clue what happened to him and why he was acting that way. He has no excuse but to say he was wasted drunk. He doesnt remember things that were said but he does know his intentions. He told me they kissed and fondeled with the intention of having intercourse but there was a malfunction on his part if you understand my meaning and then he heard me calling for him...and he said i gotta go and thats it. Im just lost and confused. Maybe we do have issues buried somewhere. We have a wonderful life in all aspects i thought. I guess i will have to talk to him and see if i can get him to tell me how he really feels. Thank you all for being so wonderful Its nice to know someone is out there. He promised me on the life of our children this would never happen again. I dont think i can take any more, but i also know it could have been worse.
BetrayedWife33

<small>[ November 01, 2004, 09:12 PM: Message edited by: BetrayedWife33 ]</small>

Hello BetrayedWife33,

Welcome to MB although I'm sorry you have joined our "club".

Listen,you definitely are not alone.At some point,you can join us over on the GQII board where most of us hang out.Lots of traffic and discussion there.

I don't buy the excuse that your H has no clue what happened to him and what he was going to do.Something wrong is going on and it looks like he hasn't come clean so far.What needs to happen now in the quickest manner possible is COUNSELING.

Before things get worse,you both need to talk to a professional and find out what your H is going through internally,mentally and emotionally.Using alcohol as another excuse is being dishonest.Unless he has a habit of bad behavior while drinking and excessive drinking,he needs to start looking deep within himself and explore the issues at hand and exactly what they really are.

My WH and I also had what everyone who knew us believed to be as the perfect marriage.I thought we were doing really well but guess what,I was alone in that thinking.I was so blown away because I was never told that anything was wrong.It's a complete shock but now you both need to work hard on this marriage if you want to stay together,espcially for those dear children.

Be very open minded now,watch and wait,take what your H says with a grain of salt.He most likely is not going to be as honest and upfront with you right away.Maybe he will but if he has something to hide then he is going to come up with all kinds of scripted statements just so he doesn't have to spill the beans.Watch his behavior(actions speak louder than words).

Take care now.Keep posting. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

O

Betrayed-Welcome. I, like you am new to this and found some great people and advice here. My little piece of advice would be to allow yourself your feelings. There will be many different things that you will go through and feeling that you will have. Allow each and every one of them. In my opinion, and I am no expert but have a little common sense, is that you have to deal with each emotion as it arrises to get to the point where you need to be to deal with this and talk with your husband. If the two of you are as open to each other as you say, then when you are feeling angry-tell him what is making you angry-when you are crying-explain what it is that is making you cry. The hardest thing for my husband to understand was the loss I felt of our togetherness and how we were going to get that back. I mourned that more than anything. That ability to trust someone so completely (and maybe nievelly-is that a word?) But do allow your cirlce of emotions. Eventually you will get back around to where you need to be to once again start rebuilding your relationship. Good luck to you. You are a strong women-believe that and believe in yourself!

Another thanks to you all for being so supportive in this terrible time. I wonder though, I found out on sunday and today is friday and im feeling much better about this. Is this too soon. I have talked to my H and i talked to my relative about this. She doesnt remember anything ( which i would love to belive and dont quite know if i do) and that gave me great comfort. I dont want her to remember my H that way. I have massive anxiety when i wake up but by the time i go to bed...im fine ( at least i was last night ). The day is a rollercoaster of emotion most of the time. I am letting myself feel and say to him whatever and he said this is my time. Does anyone else feel like this and does healing happen that fast? I cant make heads or tails of it!