This may get long Im sorry, but I want to start from the beginning.

Weve been married 9 years this Dec., I had alot of problems the first 4 or 5 years with neglecting my wife, not showing her affection etc.., well she left me in March of 2003 for a month and lived with another man. When she came home she assured me that nothing ever happened, but I knew there had been, I just knew it. When she first came back I tried not to think about that, and gave her all she needed, things were good, but I just could never get past the feeling that she was lying to me, soon, I began to withdraw from her again, but this time it wasnt just taking her for granted, it was the lies I thought were being told. Recently, shes been talking to another man alot, I mean like 6 hours a day, she said they were just friends and she was venting to him, and him to her. Needless to say I didnt believe her, so the 20 questions began again, she said that was pushing her away, but I just knew something was going on, well tonight the stuff hit the fan and after all this time of telling her she could tell me anything, I told her all I wanted was the truth, now this was at the point of we are basicly not with each other now, well, she finally told me she had slept with both these guys, this new guy just once and it hardly started before she felt guilty and told him to stop.

Well another argument started when I told her that if she had told me about the first one, the one I told her I knew about, in my gut, I would have never withdrawn like this from her this time and make her need another man again. Does this sound logical?

I love my wife with all my being, and I know she loves me, she said she was keeping the first one a secret so hard because she didnt want to hurt me like that and was hoping someday Id just get past the feelings i had, she felt a big relief now, so do I. I told her that it was because she was keeping the secret that we couldnt move on. I told her I didnt feel like i was given a fair shot when she came back from the first time because she hid it.

She told me she is in love with this new man, but not like she is with me, and here it 3 am and she is on her way to his house to discuss all this stuff, am I wrong for not wanting her to go there? Shes not sure she wants to give me my shot, I can understand that, but I hate it, I feel betrayed that I was never given the chance to get over the first affair before she left for the second one, does that make sense?

I am willing to forgive her. I believe I could trust her now, with some help from her, but I just dont know, I think Im rambliing now, my head hurts. I guess Ill write more later, but for now, anybody else been in this boat? I need some advice on how to handle this, I dont want to snoop on everything she does and says anymore, I want to trust her.

Hey there, I am in no position to give you advice as I am the guilty one in my marriage. Just want to tell you that my marriage problem was almost the same as yours. I also did not get the attention I desperately craved from my husband, I was beaten etc. I also went out and had an affair last year. This affair lasted a few months. I am having a hard time forgetting the OM. But believe me, I WILL GET OVER IT. I have the loving support from my husband. The OM wife has also told me she forgives me (I will never know if she really does).

Now I just want to tell you, I love my husband with all my heart. You don't know what you've got until you nearly loose it. I so nearly lost the most wonderful man in the world. I think I was expecting too much from my husband.

I have absolutely no contact with the OM, although last week I was contemplating contacting him on Saturday for his birthday. The people on this MB are so helpful. I only joined last week and already it is helping me.

I will never hurt my husband again. I am sure I hurt him enough to last him his lifetime. I cringe every time I think of what I did.

I pray that some day I will be forgiven for my sins.

I am working on myself daily to become a better person. I wish I could tell you wife that what she's doing will not be the answer to saving your marriage (If she still wants to be your wife). Boy of boy, us dumb people don't realise the damage we do to our loved ones. (God forgive me).
Damn, I know what you are going through, I saw it in my own husband. The pain, hurt, disillusion on his face evey day. Maybe with God's help, your wife could also change as I did.

forget the help, i just found out she called off work today and is spending it with the guy, shes outta here im done!

Gaget,

I'm sorry that you are in this position.

But...don't give up! If you love her and want the marriage to rebuild the marriage....you'll find lots of good advice here.

The key is that your wife has to give up ALL contact with the OM. Hopefully, she'll be willing to do that voluntarily once she realizes what is at stake. But...unfortuantely, sometimes people have to be shocked into awareness.

forget the help, i just found out she called off work today and is spending it with the guy, shes outta here im done!

Thanks for the encouragement, unfortuantely asking her to never see him again would mean one would have to quit thier job, they work together, and at this point shes not sure if she wants to stay anyway, she told me she wouldnt break contact with him until she knew if she was staying or not.

She's doingthis backwards...she'll never be able to decide if she "wants to to stay" as long as the affair is going on. She simply won't be able to think rationally about it.

Also, based on your comments, your wife seems to think her job is more important than her marriage. Is that true?

Yes her job is more important to her right now, apart from that, at this point, I dont think I want a relationship whith her anymore. Tonight I saw a side of her Ive never seen, she pulled out a knife and told me to leave, the only reason was that she wanted me to leave instead of her, I told her this was my house as much as it is hers, and she had the affair, I was staying, period. So she started throwing my clothes outside etc...once the police came (i called when she had the knife, at least she didnt make me fear for my life, I mean she didnt advance with it and things, or am i just making up excuses for her now?), they told her they couldnt do anything about taking me out of the house because I didnt hit her or touch her or things like that, and if she wanted to be apart from me, she had to leave if i wasnt. Needless to say, she went to her new boyfriends, Im here, and I am way over her. the knife was the end for me.

Sorry to hear what has happened.

The thing to do now is get a protection order right now & a order for her to stay away from the house.

Once a relationship descends to such a level that one partner pulls a knife to get another out because they want them gone, then unfortunately you need to protect YOURSELF and YOUR assets before there is an chance of any reconciliation.

There are no excuses except self defence for such action.

Despite what you feel now it may still be possible for reconciliation but her actions are unacceptable by any measure.

You may wonder why I suggest a protection order but how would you like her and her boyfriend going through your house and things while you are out one day?
If you have a joint account take out what is yours right away and open up your own account.

As I am assuming there has been no domestic violence involved here previously, so if your w would take such extraordinary actions to get you out then if you don’t act right away don’t be surprised to find out that you are on the receiving end of a protection order where she will twist the knife incident to show she was defending herself.
This sadly is a common result in m break downs.

So go & get your order URGENTLY and do the bank account if joint or it has her access, on the way to the courthouse.
Its perhaps not exactly a MB solution but it is a commonsense one in your circumstances.

Recovery if ever an option can happen later.

Thank you aussieswife for your reply, and you are right that there has been no domestic violence in our relationship. Last night I was so mad at her, today, I feel really crappy for saying the things I said, and also for all the stuff that I did that put us here to begin with. We talked for over an hour this morning with no fighting, I couldnt believe it, first time in a long time for that, maybe thats a good sign. I asked her that if she had any good thoughts left about us, and being happy together, that she should spend the day trying to forget everything from yesterday back, and focus on tomorrow and our future, now that everything is out in the open I feel I can really trust her again, she had never lied to me before this, shes not that kind of person, I know that much. Now that its in the open, I dont have to feel that we cant be close because shes holding something in, I can forgive her, in fact I already have, the problem is that it may be to late, ive withdrawn from her so far that she thinks I dont love her, she thinks shes just a habit, Ive always loved her, I just couldnt show it the way I needed to because of this. I wish I could turn back time and do this right from the beginning, this wouldnt have happened, we were the couple everyone wanted thier relationship to be like, I ruined that, I have to fix it.

She said this morn that she will seriously think about what I said today, told her to believe that I can make her happy now that there are no lies between us, no cloud of mystery, no mistrust, I can be the person to her I so tried to be. We'll see though.

I cant believe I was so mad at her last night, and today I am really ok with whatever she decides, if its not me, then Im ok with that, but I have seen a glimpse of our future together and I know what it could be, its up to her now if she is willing to let it happen. Thank you all for being here, so far I love this place, its nice to be able to come here and vent and get third party advice that isnt from friends or family, who of course have to pick a side, thanks again!