The discovery of the A put something into context that I had forgotten about until a couple of days ago.

Earlier this summer, my wife told me that she was "creeped out" by the guy who would eventually wind up being the OM, because she had seen a bunch of porn links on his computer. (His wife, who knows little about computers, had asked my wife to go online and look up something for her.) What's scarier: my wife noticed that he had been doing google searches for HER NAME!!This was a few months before the A took place.

She thought it was weird at the time. But..she didn't say anything to the OS about it. She also apparently didn't think about it herself when she started to talk to the guy about our maritial problems. She said that since he was a friend's husband, she viewed him as "safe."

Now...I'm pretty much done delving into the details of this thing. My focus now is on what went wrong in our marriage and how we can build a better, healthier future.

But, this one last detail is gnawing at me, because it suggests a lot more premdeitation - or at least, more interest in my wife - than the OM has apparently admitted to his wife. My question is whether I should share this last detail with the Other Spouse or not.

She's asked me not to provide her with any more details. But this seems like somethign that she really ought to know.

Thoughts?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by AndrewA:
<strong>But, this one last detail is gnawing at me, because it suggests a lot more premdeitation - or at least, more interest in my wife - than the OM has apparently admitted to his wife. My question is whether I should share this last detail with the Other Spouse or not.

She's asked me not to provide her with any more details. But this seems like somethign that she really ought to know.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Apply the litmus test here - does this help end the A?

Nope. A is already over.

Let it be dead and respect the wishes of the OS.

Andrew....how did I find you over here on JFO ?

Spam is right.

You're starting to obsess...and this isn't good for you...or your marriage...or your wife.

Think about all the time you are wasting on thinking about this.

Here...let me put it into clearer terms....
you are keeping this A....alive and kicking.

There is healing to do, recovery to work on, but the A is over. Let OM and OM wife worry about their issues...you have enough of your own to work on.

I'm not telling you this to be mean or 2X4 you...but you should know that if you keep letting your mind lock onto this...it's going to start rolling into LBs of your wife.

I want you to do yourself a favor...you can do it here...or you can do it at home on your own computer.

I want you to write down your feelings about this.

NOBODY...is going to read this but you...after you are done...you are going to destroy it...but you're going to get this all out.

This is a very powerful tool. I'm suspecting you have alot of unresolved feelings about this that are bubbling up.

Get this OUT. And then let it GO. You are still reeling...I can read it in your posts. We want to get past that point.

You're doing great Andrew...don't take this wrong. I just know where this kind of thinking can lead us...and I'm trying to prevent you from making this mistake.

Thank you both! You are right, of course. I have to deal with this stuff and then get past it.

I've started a journal, which is helping. ANother idea I have is to write these things down on notecards and stick them in a box. When the box gets full...I'll empty it, like taking out the trash.

I knew you knew this. It's hard isn't it ?!? I just posted to MOYS on the GQII board about the obsessive thoughts..and some ideas to get through them.

You can go check it out...but what I found the most helpful...was accepting every day that I let the thoughts run through my head about the details of the A...was another day poisoned...and another day that I was distancing myself from my H.

It's doing our part of the recovery process. I don't know about you...but do you have the warm fuzzys about your W if you're thinking about the A ?

I know I couldn't stand the site of H some days...because I kept going over certain details. Than I realized...no matter how many times I went over them...the result probably wouldn't change...so I chose to take ownership of today...and maybe ANOTHER day...I'll let myself go back over the details..but not today.

keep up the good work..your journal is a great idea...and the box burning...fantastic idea. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />