This is the first time I have ever post on these boards but I need an annomious place to talk about this. The man I have love since I was 15 years old and have been with for 11 years cheated on me with a woman he met on an on-line game. To make it worse he asked me for a divorce and when this woman left him he came back to me saying he loved me and that he ended it with this woman.

I know this was wrong but I found out he had a secret email account and I firgured out the pass word. I found a letter he had wrote to her and letters he sent to another woman. In his letter to her he professed to love her and wanted to marry her. The letters he wrote to the other woman, that he states was just a friend, talked about how horrible I am and that I am to blame for all the unhappiness in his life. I was crushed when I read those letters.

At this point I am beyond confused. My husband use to breg to his friends about how wonderful I was. To the extent that the running joke was that they would call me "robot" because they could not believe that I treated him so well. How do we go from that version of me to the verion that I am the reason for all his unhappiness?? Which version is the truth??

I am not perfect but I took my commitment to him seriously. I tried to be the best wife I could and up until 3 monthes ago he told me he was happy and that he believed I was a good wife. Was he lying??? Am I really this horrible person he describles in his letters and I just can't see it???

I know that if I was so wonderful he would not have left me for some woman on the internet but still I know from much soul searching that he always had 100% of my heart. How can he just throw that all away?

He refuses to talk about it saying that I should never have seen the letters so I did this to myself. But how can I ever know the truth if we never talk about it? He acts like I should just forgive and forget but the pain of having the one person you thought would stand with you the rest of your life leave is painful beyond belief.

I tried to hide how I felt but the truth is I can't just forget. It is burned into my memory that four days after he asked for a divorce I was in the livingroom so depressed I could barely will myself to get up, I hadn't eaten in days or slept. I cried constantly. As I am on the couch trying to not cry so he won't hear me he is in his study on his computer, laughing and singing to music like he is on top of the world. If someone loves you how can they be so cruel???

Since we have gotten back together he has agreed to not play the game he met this woman on but I still don't trust him. He says that he can not promise to not divorce me or honor our vows for a lifetime because he is afraid of feeling trapped again. I feel like I am just waiting for the day he decides that this marriage is not what he wants and will leave. I know that when people get married there is always the possiblity of divorce but at least they believe at the time that it will last forever. He is acting like we are boyfriend and girlfriend not husband and wife who are suppose to have a lifetime commitment.

When we got back together he told me that maybe we should see other people to be sure of what we feel. He is the only man I have been with in that way and I am the only woman he has been with. But I don;t need to sleep with a bunch of people to tell me I love him, why does he?? He has since said that he wants to work it out and be married but I don;t believe him. Something in the back of my mind says there is more to this then he is saying.

The effort of not trusting him is exhausting. He does not seem to have much remorse about the affair and does not see it as a betrayal because they never actually met and only had "cyber-sex". But he thought he loved her...how can that not be an affair? He also blames me for this telling me that I was not sexually aggressive and if I had been it would have never had happen. Yes I did not met his needs in this area the way I should have but that does not give him the right to break my heart. He never helped me around the house does that give me a right to go sleep with a handyman???

Each day I lose more hope. He is distant from me and when I try to talk about what happened he becomes angry and defensive. He believes I should forget and move on that I am making him feel bad for something in the past. But this only happened a couple of monthes ago. I grieve so badly for what I lost.

The glue that held me to him is gone. I stayed because I believed he thought I was a good wife and a beautiful person. If he truely believes these horrible things about me how can I stay?? I miss the times he would breg about me to his friends and say I was a wonderful wife. I would give anything to hear those words, and believe he truely meant them. I want the pain to end...some days I feel so consumed by it I can barely breath. I don't know how I will ever get past this and whether it is just better to bury my love for him and leave.

My health has gotten so bad that I am seeing the doctor every other week. I know no one can make this decision for me... I just wish I could figure out beyond a reasonable doubt the right thing to do.

My husband is not a bad person, up until a couple of monthes ago he was a wonderful husband and the love of my life. But since this has happened I don;t feel like I know him anymore and I can't trust him. I am afraid he is only staying until he can find a more convient time to leave...how can I know if he really is committed to me and will not leave the second we have to struggle??? If you read all of this thanks...I know it long but I had to get this out.

Hi and welcome!

I am relatively new here, but I will take a stab at this.

A couple of things to keep in mind:

1.) What your husband has told the OW is not TRUE. It's what he NEEDS to her to justify the affair to himself. If it's all YOUR fault, it isn't HIS fault. But...this is really about HIM. Keep that in mind.

2.) Your husband owes it to you to be honest about his feelings and if he is SERIOUS about fixing your marriage, he has to cut off ALL contact with the OW and he has to agree not to chat. Period. End of story.

Others here can advice you better than I can on how to get from point A to Point B. But...I'd say this: if you want to stay married to this man, you're going to need to set and enforce some limits. He is going to have to work with you. He's going to have to respect you and he's going to have to be honest with you. You have a right to expect all fo those things.

I wish I had some good advice for you. But all I can do is have empathy for you. Please understand that this is not about you! This is about him. An emotional affair is what I believed happened here and they can be just as painful as a physical one. My H. had both. And it turned ugly.

There is a great book if you haven't bought it yet that I think that might help you in this situation and that is; "His Needs and Her Needs".

Did the two of you get married really young? That could also the reason to why he is acting the way he is. Just a thought.

Here are suggestions that helped me to get off the "couch" Get out and walk. Just do it! You will find that excercising will help the depression. Go purchase some books on infidelity. I believe there is one on cerber infedility too.
Get out of the house and have time for yourself. My favorite time for me was to go to Barnes and Noble and read while drinking Star Bucks. Talk with friends and post on here. Don't take full blame for what has happened. Again, go by the book: "His Needs Her Needs by Dr. Harley.
Try and talk with him about your feelings and explain that even though he didn't have physical contact with this women, it still is a form of betrayal. And it hurts. Keeping secrets like that hurts marriages. Don't point fingers because he is obviously on the defense. I believe he knows what he did was wrong.
Go by the book: Suriving an Affair. and Plan A him. The book and this site will help you with that. I couldn't plan A my H. because I was in much of a different situation than you are in.
Talk to your husband and ask him what he needs from you!
I was upset when I read that he suggested the two of you should start to see other people when the two of you are married. This isn't dating! He needs to be responsible and realize that he took vow to you.

I wish I had something better to say but I am in a bad situation myself.
Please, please purchase those two books. And work on you first!

Ali~

<small>[ November 03, 2004, 03:08 PM: Message edited by: Ali88 ]</small>

Neseal,
Sorry you are here..but nonetheless...here you are...so I'm going to tell you first off...take a deep breathe. There isn't a magic answer or a magic pill to make this easier.

My H had an internet affair that turned into a real life affair. although they only met once... (to my knowlege..who knows ?)in real life...it included an emotional attachment of getting married...having children...etc.etc. Regardless to say my H probably should have told her he was ALREADY married...but that's my story ...not yours...and by the way...this was 8 months ago...and we're doing pretty darned good right now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Let me address some specific things...then we go further into this issue.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know this was wrong but I found out he had a secret email account and I firgured out the pass word.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Who said this was wrong ? Get your copies of SAA...you'll find out directly why this isn't wrong. You're his wife...you should have access to everything and anything...there is no longer such a thing as personal space..that's been forfeited until he can be trusted. Snooping...is a given right...to any spouse... if there isn't anything to hide... there's no reason to be upset. If you need THAT much personal space...you probably shouldn't be married. These are all "hypothetical" responses...not to YOU specifically...just trying to "uncondition" your mind set.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The letters he wrote to the other woman, that he states was just a friend, talked about how horrible I am and that I am to blame for all the unhappiness in his life </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course reading this stuff hurt you...but let's take a step away from the emotional issue and look at the reality...what would he write ? My wife is great...treats me with love, respect, kindness...and I'd lay down my life for her. He's in an Affair...how long will he keep OW on her string if he tells her THAT kind of stuff. They all do this. Nothing special about your Wayward Husbands choice of words. Don't take anything you read or hear..to heart right now. He's in what we call the FOG..and he doesn't make sense to himself..much less you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He refuses to talk about it saying that I should never have seen the letters so I did this to myself. But how can I ever know the truth if we never talk about it? He acts like I should just forgive and forget </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's because he doesn't want to face the music. He's still flying up there in Fog land...he's trying to manipulate you into thinking this was YOUR fault..the whole thing... well..it's not..too bad for him. He did this..he has to deal with it...and you have to be honest..and let him know you want to work on your marriage...but it doesn't come along without conditions...and the chance that you may decide it will not work...that you deserve better..and you'll be on your way. It happens. If there isn't serious work on this issue...I promise you..it will happen again...if it isn't already.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> how can I know if he really is committed to me and will not leave the second we have to struggle??? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How do you know that YOU won't want to leave the first time you have a struggle ?

We have to get YOU in a better place right now. You're scared, confused, angry , devastated, anxious... it's been a horrible trip hasn't it ?

Let's not worry about HIM right now...we have to fix YOU first..remember...when you're on the plane...put the oxygen on YOU first...THEN help others.

Same concept.

Hang in there...keep posting.

Work on ONE thing at a time...think of this as a marathon not a sprint. Your marriage CAN be saved...it CAN be better and stronger...it CAN be affair proof..and sorry to say this..but all this work starts with YOU. It's not fair....I know...but I can tell you with all honesty...it's worth the effort.

betrayedinjersey

Your response was one of the best responses I have read on this board. You are so deep. You are really in touch with yourself and I commend you.

I also think that we as women put so much into our marriages and children and we forget to take care of ourselves first. I laughed when I read your response about "what would a man having an affair tell the other woman," and you were so right. We take it so personal when we find out what our cheating husbands tell the other women, instead of looking at ourselves and knowing that we are wonderful people we put so much emphasis in what they think or say about us.

I also could not believe that he said that you two should see other people. It sounds like he doesn't even regret the affair and maybe he is looking to experience other relationships to make sure that he married the right woman. If that is the case he shouldn't be married. I know it will hurt but someone once told me that if you love someone let them go, and if they don't return to you maybe it was never meant to be. After all, I know that it hurts but love is a two way street and people have the right to choose who they spend the rest of their lives with. If they choose not to spend their life with you, whether they made a marital commitment or not they have the right to be true to themselves. It's up to each individual to find away to survive inspite of.