Thanks for the support from all.

I have another question for you all.

How/what kind of support should I be providing to my WS? I have tried to ask, "how are you feeling about NC, etc." She usually replies "All-right" with no other comment, but then seems to get down, and withdrawn.

Should I just let it run its course, and not try to discuss w/ her? I want to show her that I am there for her, even at this difficult time, but I am worried that maybe this is doing more to drive her away.

I am executing Plan A to the very best of my ability, and just curious whether or not you all think it is a good idea to discuss NC, or just let it go.

Thanks again to all.

TB,

I have tried it all in the past 6 weeks. I told my WW I wouldn't ask, that didn't work. At least not for me, since I was constantly wondering. I asked her to tell me if she did have contact, she said she would, but hasn't said anything even when I am certain she has. I don't know. It is maddening.

MIF

Yes NC. I also had to lay the hammer down. My WW didn't quit understand what NC meant (duh?). For 1 month after Dday she thought it was OK if they talked daily as long as they didn't see each other. Folks, based on the kinds of conversations they were having, it was a matter of myabe two weeks before PA would resume IMO. After I discovered this, I told her I was done, gave her my wedding ring and that was it. I was headed to plan B, and it scared the crap out of her, I made one mistake, taking her back to quick. There is NC (she doesn't know I monitor cell phone use) but I don't need evidence to show me, I can tell by her mood. After Dday, I could tell she was still talking to him, there was no withdrawal. Now there is w/d and it is real evident and you can really see the cycles. It's scary how right other members are on this stuff.

I would say they have been warned, threaten the hammer, and mean it, if contact continues, lay the hammer down and expose everything to anyone who would be affected by D. Namely OM W, your family, W's family. That should turn up enough heat to make W realize that the A just isn't worth the hassle.

All-right guys. . .

Good News. . .No Contact,

Bad News. . . Withdrawal (kinda good in a way actually, if it means we are moving forward).

I am still pursuing Plan A as well as possible. WW is down, and I am trying to prepare both of us for another couple of weeks of this.

As crazy as this sounds, I want to help her through this as much as possible. Is it best to just get out of the way, or should I be trying to cheer her up? I feel like if I try to stay out of the way, she will feel abandoned now in her tough time, but I don't want to smother her either.

Also, the past couple of months our sex life has been pretty darn good. Now, obviously she isn't in the mood which kinda hurts knowing that she had a PA, but I understand her not wanting SF when she is depressed. Not looking for help here, just talking about where our relationship is at right now.

Just want to be there for her the best that I can. Any ideas?

Also, on the NC and exposure front. . .Last night WW and myself had a good talk. She expressed that she felt bad for OM W, and that I should talk to her. She feels that if she was in her shoes she would want to know. Also, she felt that this WOULD help to enforce NC from OM's side. I was really encouraged to hear her say this.

Hi there TB, I'm going to throw a whole new perspective on this (I think). I've read through the thread and can't see that anyone else has picked up on the date thing. You say the affair started around January 2003 and they have continued their contact right through to now. In the midst of this your daughter has been born - 13 months old? So two things strike me. They began their affair whilst she was pregnant - yuk. Stranger things have happened but ... The other really horrible possiblity is that he has fathered the child. I really hope I am wrong on this one but has the thought crossed your mind.? TT

Yes, this is one of the 1st things I had to deal with, but also sheds some light on part of the affair.

My WW began working with OM in Feb. of 2002 at her new job. They began building a friendship that would later turn into a EA, and then a PA.

In Nov. of 2002 my wife's grandmother died, and this left her very depressed. I was encountering a lot of stress at my job, and probably wasn't as supportive as I needed to be. Her grandmother is really the person that raised her, so this is more like her Mother died.

In Mid-December WW and I discussed having children again, and we decided the time was right, and began trying to conceive. WW's EA turned to PA sometime in January of 2003. Unbeknownst to us she was already pregnant. When she found out she was preg, she cut off the relationship. However, we would still see OM during our dinner club meetings and on weekends. According to WW she was able to cut it off and wanted to work on M, but a few months after our DD was born it of course took off again because we were still in contact.

I have had some doubts, and I believe that I will get a Paternity test done, however I am 95% sure that our DD is mine. She looks an awful lot like me according to most anyone who sees her. According to WW there was only one sexual encounter in Jan. 2003, and they used protection.

There were a couple of other times when she tried to cut off the PA before I discovered it, but of course they kept on being drawn back together because contact was never severed.

I should clarify that there was only one sexual encounter w/ OM before we found out we were pregnant according to WW.

After the A picked back up again they had 3 other Sexual encounters: Dec 31, 2003, Mar 2004, and June 2, 2004.

TB, if there is any tiny doubt in your mind, then be brave enough to do the test. Might help you go forward in a better frame of mind. TT

Yes, I agree. Will get it done.

Glad to hear NC is enforced. W/D might be tough, but I don't really know in your case. Their PA's were pretty far apart, i mean it wasn't every weekend or eow. If the EA was strong, then it will be tough.

You will know when it is rough because she will be depressed and crabby, etc. My advice is to not sink down in the mud with her. She needs to see that you are strong, capable of going on, but NOT superior to her.

Also, do not dote on her, do not smother her, give her space and time to sort things out. Do not neglect her, but don't smother. Do not initiate relationship talk or talk of A, WS see that as throwing it back in their face. Do not engage in verbal arguements (not bringing up A, and future will help you stay away from those), she may try to pick fights. She will say some stupid "fogtalk" as well. Don't believe it, don't get sucked in. Your W just had an A, it is obvious she is not thinking right and anything that comes out of her mouth should be treated as such, stupid. Be respectful to her, let her know that you are there for her, don't grovel, don't be needy, she can't take care of herself right now much less you. Do not make grandious overtures of love. They will be seen as phony because she is unworthy. Instead do little things to make life easier.

Hope this helps, I made ALL these mistakes the first few weeks post Dday, and I still make some from time to time. Basically, I heard it put best this way, whatever your natural instinct is, do the opposite. If you call her 15 times a day, stop, if you say ILY constantly, stop, etc. there is this link I saw earlier about "12 Things to Make Yourself Ugly to Your Spouse" if I find it I'll post it.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=033911

This is the address, cut and paste to take you to this thread.

Great link Bear!

I looked at this, and have been trying to do these things even before reading them, but now I have added incentive to do the right thing.

A lot of these are very difficult to do, even when you make a conscious effort to do so. It is 180 degrees from what you are feeling you want to do at many times.

Anyone reading this thread should check out Bear's link!

Thanks!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Please read new thread under General Questions II.

I'm sad to say that your wife is pure evil. You seem to be a loyal and loving husband yet your WW...I dunno what to say of her anymore. All I know is that when two ppl contrive an affair, their's usually insanity involved. My advice is quite different from the others. Why stick with a cheater and suffer all its aches? There are myriads of fish in the sea buddy. If your time together meant nothing to her (obviously it don't 'coz she's been shagging behind your back), move on and find somebody more worthwhile and loyal to you. If she cheats on you twice, shame on you.