I would have thought after 13 weeks of dealing with the same stuff day in and day out...that I'd finally be able to move past all of this "feeling sick to my stomach". There has been infidelity in our marriage by me, but not since 4 years ago. We are just dealing now with him not loving me anymore. Not wanting this marriage anymore.
I've lost 10lbs...I'm not crying as much as I use to. Although, I do feel like I'm starting to get "tired" of feeling this way. I'm starting to get angry. How long must I pay for my mistakes? I either want to start down the road of recovery, or I want to stop being punished.
I can't really eat much anymore (I'm usually a really good eater), nothing sounds good anymore, stomach constantly feels on fire...
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Here's what I put into a milkshake for our neighbor who is living with a chronic (but not fatal) form of leukemia. She didn't have much of an appetite.

Organic, Bulgarian plain yogurt - about 1 cup
a ripe banana
handful of fresh berries
large tablespoon of ice cream or sherbet
papaya, a large slice if you can find it in the market

blend & pour. The yogurt has stuff that promotes healthy flora and fauna in your guts. The banana has potasium, and the berries are excellent for health and preventing cancer. Papaya has papain, also very soothing for the stomach. Plus it tastes good. If you don't have fresh berries, a teaspoon of berry jam will do fine.

After drinking these for a few weeks, her stomach stretched, and she found her appetite returning. She takes a lot of meds, and really needs food in her stomach so that some of them don't hurt her stomach lining, etc.

Also, drink green tea, and Canada Dry ginger ale. No tea with caffein. You don't need anything to irritate your nerves.

Oh, and plenty of water.

Wooo, Texas! Eek!

First of all, the rules changed once you decided to go out of the marriage. Your husband is feeling normal. Regardless of how long ago your affair was. So you have been feeling sick for the last 3 and half years? I can relate. You took advantage of him and you made him to feel like a fool. You must need to know that and you cannot forget that either. Why he is still in place of his feelings. Well, that all depends on you. What are you doing to make your marriage better? Were the two of you in counseling? Are you still in counseling?

I just want to clarify something. Maybe you will see this in a better way in helping you see your H. hurt. Your affair was NOT a mistake. It was a choice. It was you that knew better and your choice to sleep with om while knowing you were married. As I said before on this forum. A mistake is forgetting to balance the check book. Whoops! An affair????? Premeditated.

Since you have not put down the whole story it is difficult to help you out. All I can say is to be patient. Do not get angry. Your actions is the reason why you two got to where you are today.
Can you post more about this?

Ali~

Yes Ali...I can. Here is my first post back from September...it's long, but will help explain my story...

posted September 17, 2004 06:25 PM
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"Hey everyone! New to the board...so let me give you a little background.
Known husband for 12 years. Been married for 5 years. I cheated on him almost four years ago. We split up and we were able to work things out. Had a beautiful daughter who will be 3 in December and a son who will be 1 next month. Last year about this time I was e-mailing an ex while on bedrest. (had been on bedrest for three months)

It was stressful and hubby wasn't around for talking much. My husband has asked me not to e-mail him, but I did and I talked about personal things like my husband and I, my kids, my pregnancy, work, etc...

These e-mails stopped the week before I had Cody. My husband, Brian, found these e-mails in February, 4 months after they had been written. He decided to keep that from me until 3 weeks ago. He tried to just get over it on his own, and also part of him wanted to see if more of it would happen. Well it never did and keeping that from me just started eating him up slowly.
So...now we are at the point that he is so unhappy with me.

He can't trust me, he says he doesn't know what he wants, doesn't even know if he loves me. : ( He has caused himself to loose like 10lbs and he can't afford to loose anymore. He is so sick to his stomach that he is laying down right now. He doesn't want to talk about any of this. He needs an emotional break. I love my husband so much. I want to fix everything.

With him saying he doesn't know what he wants...makes me think that I can fix it. So I try different things...I think I've talked it to death.
I feel like at any 2nd he is gonna dump on me that he wants to leave. He has mentioned it...even asked if we should sell the house, get two apartments, and start over...date again.
What is that?!! We have two kids! We are married...what happened to our commitment? I asked him that a couple of days ago...and he said where has MY commitment been.

I haven't show any commitment to him except for the past year. Where was I the first four years? If he still feels this way, why did he give me a 2nd chance? Why did we bring two beautiful children in this world? Three weeks ago when he lays this bomb on me about finding the e-mails back in February and keeping that from me...I asked him if there was anything else he was hiding from me? To get it out in the open all at once...he told me nothing.

Over the past three weeks I've sensed a different person...like he was getting his feelings and ideas from someone. Someone that shouldn't be giving advice. So I asked him again Monday if he was talking to someone. Getting advice from someone. He said no. Wednesday night I was attempting to go to a new church's Bible Study, by myself. Couldn't find where to go and I'm not good at doing stuff by myself.

So I chickend out. Was gonna call husband on cell phone and hit talk twice to redail home. Calls an area code in Phoenix. I'm in Texas. So I asked him. He said he thinks it was from when he called on of the branches in AZ for work. Then he immediately changed the subject. A girl answered the phone and just said hello. So I knew it wasn't work related. I let it go until the next morning. I keep calling this number to see if she would answer again. Nope...went to a mailbox. Like a cell phone mailbox.

Anyhow...found out the next day that he has been talking to via phone and e-mail to this girl that works for the same company and lives in AZ. He says they are just friends. Yet he calls her on her cell phone from OUR cell phone on his way home from work! And he lied about it...and hide it. I told him yesterday...which was the worst day yet for us...that I couldn't have him carrying on that relationship.

He told me he wouldn't give that up. he wouldn't stop talking to her. I was over reacting and they were just friends. He was going to chose a friendship with another woman over his wife and two kids. One he lied about and hide from me.
So now I'm at the worst point in my life. He is so unhappy, sad, physically ill and now he is lying to me.

He said it makes it easy to lie to me because "I don't have all of him." Wow...he just puts a smiley face in e-mails to me in response to me saying "I love you"

I feel like I'm just being strung along...he says he doesn't know what he wants...I'm a pretty needy person emotionally and physically and I need to be touched, loved on, hugged. I'm so desperate for that...all of that. That I freakin get all giddy and excited inside when he just winks at me. How stupid is that?

He doesn't know if he will ever be able to trust me again. I'll I've given him are empty promises. Did I also mention I re-established my relationship with God the middle of May? I'm a totally different person than he or anyone else has ever seen. I'm fighting for my marriage...he has never seen that.

What do I do? How do you just not talk about something that is in limbo? How do I give him the space he needs to figure things out when he is just sitting back and hoping that it will come to him?

He keeps mentioning he wants "to miss me" he needs to get the "want" back. He is talking about separating. I can't do this everytime he decides that he hasn't forgiven me or that he notices that he isn't "in-love" with me.

I made a mistake...I sinned. I did the unthinkable. I've asked for forgiveness. God tells us we have to forgive over and over and then multiply that by 7.
God hates divorce...yet he is thinking about it. He can't forgive.

If anyone out there has experienced this or has some advice to give. I need it. I feel like all I'm doing right now is making things worse. I'm making him physically ill with "trying to hard"

God bless anyone who responds to this,
LovingWifeInTexas "
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I also wanted to add that no, I've not been sick for 3.5 years. Just the past 3 months.
I made a choice in my marriage, you are right. We seperated after that and my H gave me a 2nd chance.

It's not healthy to still be hurting this long after. I do go to IC. Husband doesn't want any counseling. Not IC or MC.
He has gone once with me and didn't like the way it made him feel.

OK now that I have a run down. So you had an emotional affair during your pregnancy. And if I am reading this correctly, out of retaliation, he had or is having an emotional affair too.

Have you read the book Suriving an Affair? Do you both go to IC? Have you and your H. talked about what you are not getting from each other? I know from a BS side that he is deeply bruised. His heart has been ripped out and he is still shutting you out because there is a lack of trust still. You know most men act really weird during pregnancy. So I can only guess that because you were "involved" with your pregnancy that he might have felt left out and then you found your ex? So he probably felt threaten and abandoned.

Both of you sound like you still have walls up. There is no trust with either of you. I know I will never look at my H. the same. Never. He has hurt me beyond emotional repair. It has been a year and a half and I still feel as if it was yesterday. The image of her and him are still lazer beamed into my head. Anyway, He might still be protecting his heart and obviously doesn't feel safe around you. He might have been insecure before and this added more emotional pain.

Please understand that getting angry at him only makes him build up his wall and "hate" comes out of it. The more you push he more he adds layers. I would back down and allow him to feel what he is feeling. Don't get me wrong. I can understand frustration but you have to remember again trust was lost and he is questioning your marriage.

Can you put your "neediness" into him. Instead taking, use it as giving. Can you start off small? Can you tell him over and over again that you are sorry. And ask him what he needs from you? Tell him that I cannot change the past but I am going to do what ever it takes for us to work through this but I really would love your help. (do small things for him)

Where in Texas do you live? Are you near Houston?
I am sure you have heard of Joel Osteen? He is the best preacher I have ever heard. His advice just wooos me. I feel new and refreshed after I hear him. I suggest if you are going back to church you go to Lakewood church. If not find out when he aires near you and watch him on TV. I have to know what part of Texas do you live?

You can't make him stay and you cannot make him love you. Maybe you should do the Plan A. Approach? ANd just remember emotional affairs are just as painful as phyiscal ones.

Ali~

Oh yeah,

When I have an upset stomache, I found this to work. I make my own ginger tea. Go to the store buy a whole ginger root. Peal off the skin. Then with a carrot pealer add a couple of slices to boiling water in a mug add some sugar or honey if you need yours sweeten. Let it brew a couple of minutes. It works all the time. Great for sinus problems too!

Ali~

I'm in Dallas.

He just left the house angry. Another first.
I've asked him what I can do...and I haven't been able to do it. He just wants to stop talking about it. Yet he'll drop mean statements when I am able to do it. On my good days when I'm focused on other things...keeping every light and superficial for the kids, he'll drop a statement about the past, or that we are seperated...just something to put out there I guess. WELL...it makes me upset. It hurts me, and thus, I start thinking about everything and then I need to talk about it.

Tonight he said and did things that I don't know if I'll ever be able to let go. I think I'm going to have to be done with this marriage. All he does it get meaner and more angry and he is just not the person I want to be around anymore.
Yet at the same time, I love him and want him near.

I begged him not to leave tonight. He could have gone to any room in the house and locked himself in. He did the one thing that not only hurts me as being his wife, but just as a person. He knows this is the one way that he could have hurt me most, and he did it.

He doesn't want to be valnurable. He is really testing you there by throwing in things. I am kind of reading a bit of myself in there. So what do you do when he gets angry? This might come off like I am telling to to take it but look at it this way, if you will. I think he needs to feel that you need him in body language. Actions speak louder than words as you already may know. I think he might want you to drop to your knees when he throws little stabbing comments from the A. He wants to see if you are really sorry. Can you not "talk" about it and take sole responsibility? Say something like this; "Yes I know I hurt you deeply." "If I could take away that pain that made you say that comment I would.""let me know how?" I know it is easy to get angry over it and blow you top. But don't. You need to help him more!

Oh yeah, my favorite saying that I got from a wise Texan; "Time Heals Nothing!" It really doesn't matter if it was 15 years ago, or last week. Those are his feelings. Remember betrayal is the worst horrible thing that a person can do to another no matter what kind of form it is in. Some people just don't get that! My FIL told my husband that I should have gotten over it by now! Gee's. But my situation is very much like Gingersnaps. You cannot move on without a plan. He is still stuck for what ever reason and it is you that must try really hard to help him get out.
If you want out of your M. then the two of you need to resolve this. You child is the one who will be feeling the wrath of this.

Ali~

Loving wife

I'm a FWW myself so I can relate a lot to the circumstances here.

Lets see if I can help with some practical things to help until you can get in to see a MC.

I believe what happened here was that after your affair your H never did get closure. Never resolved it to his satisfaction, the reasons why, all those endless questions you will probably remember.
More than likely he let them fester away inside rather than 'rock the boat' of recovery & ask you.
When you had his kids his trust began to build again, then he finds out while having HIS child you had an emotional affair as far as he is concerned with an X ( is that an x lover??)
Trust went out the window and he wonders why he EVER let you back into his life.

What he sees is that whenever he may be a bit distracted you seem' to run off to another man. Doesn't matter if its true or not he feels that way and your actions reinforced that.

Now he is right back at separation in mind if not in body and he is not in any mood to reconcile.

You see LW you betrayed him once and he forgave you, swallowed his pride and humiliation and then you betrayed him again. That is what he sees, Your actions not your words are what he judges you by.

Now that said, it also appears he now thinks its ok to carry on merrily with a female from work who 'understands' him. WRONG
I sense from your posts that he is becoming very attached to this woman emotionally and that may lead to a physical affair if not cut short. If it does you are going to have to be the one this time to forgive but lets not jump to conclusions yet ok?

I suggest you read all about Plan A & B on this site, read some of the books and start working right now to heal this M.
Go to a MC even by yourself if you have to, admit to yourself that you did betray him both times - because he considers you did - and start working on yourself at least.

Use Plan A to show him you are a lighthouse, a beacon of love and understanding, the mother of his kids who loves ONLY him. Now don't expect a lot for a long time. He'll try to test you is my guess with some big LB comments and you MUST remain cool. Cry later if you have to. I do that out of his sight if I have to.
When he says hurtful things respond that you understand how he feels that way but you will never do that again. Keep that mantra and do not argue with him on these comments even if they are like burning hot knives right into your heart.
When he says he wants to leave, again the same thing, you understand why he feels that way, however our children deserve at least we try and things like that. Don't use the kids as a lever but rather as the reward for his reconsideration.
This will be very hard for you and I suspect you will need some help in the way of AD's or you can try St Johns Wort which I use because it has no side effects but might mean you need to reconsider the pill if you use that, see your doc about that one.

It’s a very long road LW but there are lots of people here who will help even though weekends are slow. Do your best and don’t worry if you don’t think you are not getting it right at first. I didn’t and I am sure most didn’t. It’s a funny situation we are in being the FWW and wanting to save the M, usually here it’s the reverse. So you need to use the Plan A with that in mind. Also have a read of a thread here where I asked for some advice from BS on what they want from their WW, Its not a bad insight and may help to. Its called “WW's need some advice on recovering M”.

Don’t give up LW. There’s a good fight ahead but I’m sure you can do it.