Hello all,

I am new here and well I happened to find this site, and maybe it'll be the kind of support I need.

I'll explain my situation.

My husband and I met in the Army about 6 1/2 years ago. We met and got married in less than 2 months, and had a baby 9 months from after we had been intimate for the first time. Not something we planned, but must have been God's will since our son was concieved with two types of BC.

While I was pregnant I was sure that he had a brief affair...I confronted him...he denied it, etc etc...I was scared being so young, away from my family and friends and pregnant and tired of fighting so I filed it away, and went on with my life.

During this time and after my son was born he would leave Friday night after work, take our only car and go out with his single friends to a city about 2 hours away to hang out (this happened atleast 3 times a month) and would get a room with these guys because they had been drinking. He would return late afternoon on Saturday. Always telling me that it was just the guys, but I was told differently by many. He would be very upset if I told him that I wanted him to stay home with us, making me into the *itch and him the Victim of the situation.

Still with him, we moved after he got out of the Army and for about a year everything was OK (I say OK cause I was still very resentful of his past actions). I became pregnant and he rejoined the service.

We happened to be stationed to the same place as before. And his actions started again. Not at first, but still slowly it became a de'ja vu...

This time it wasn't trips out of town but daily 3 hour workouts, going to the barracks or BBQ's without us (by this time I had my other son) always saying guy's night...towards the end I forced him to start taking us with him when I was asked by another wife why we never came to the BBQ's.

I was still unhappy, and had gained alot of weight from depression and emotional eating. I stopped being intimate with him on a regular basis.

He came up on orders for Korea. He went, we stayed behind. During this time I spoke to him 7 times on the phone the whole year, and maybe 15 times on the computer which was in his barracks room. The boys would cry and ask why daddy didn't love them...I always told them that daddy was very busy, and couldn't get to the phone (this was a story to protect them).

I found his profiles and websites, him posed on bars without his ring, new designer clothes, and drinks in hand. His profiles stating he was single, and looking, etc. You all get my jist I am sure.

He spent $3,000 the first 3 months he was there causing my family to go into debt and my kids to do without. I cancelled is ATM card, and sent him an allowance of sorts via Western Union (he was very mad, but I had to do it to take care of our boys). He never came home on midtour, gave a lame excuse about not being able to take leave (I used to be in the Army and I knew that was not true).

A month before coming home I was informed by my doctor that I could not get the IUD that I had planned for, due to having Chlamydia for atleast a year. I had not been unfaithful and the only way to get this would have been by my husband before he left for Korea.

This was the straw that broke the camel's back. I promptly asked for a divorce over the phone when he called to let me know what flight he would be on. The situation went like most do I guess, him stating he never cheated and knew that I would never cheat, there must be another explaination, yada, yada, yada. Begging ensued on his part. Please don't...we can work this out..etc.

He gets back in time for Christmas and I let him into the house because out family was visiting for Christmas and I didn't want to ruin the kid's holidays.

After this time he came on orders for deployment to Iraq. I still had not forgiven him or given up the idea of divorce. I considered myself seperated, and he knew this. He was worried, and still is for that fact. I had lost 85 pounds while he was gone to Korea, and had started taking Prozac and was back to my old self in more ways than one. If another man even glanced at me I thought he was going to flip his lid, he became very possesive and started trying to turn things on me.

In short he left for Iraq, and during this time I still considered myself seperated, and he knew I still was going to file for divorce when he returned from Iraq.

This is where the turning point comes in. I met a man, and had a brief affair. It wasn't planned and did not last very long at all. I was so mad at my husband and sure that the marriage was over that I allowed myself to do this. I can not say that I feel all that guilty about it, although I do know that two wrongs do not make a right.

When my husband came home on R&R, we were still discussing the terms of the divorce (by this time the affair was over). I have never told my husband about the affair, and quite truthfully never will.

Towards the end of the R&R he asked that we try to work things out, that he knew he had made mistakes and that being in Iraq had changed a lot of things for him and put his life in perspective. He didn't want to take us for granted anymore.

Since this time he has returned back Iraq and we are really trying to work things out, we plan on going to marriage counseling when he returns from Iraq.

I know that I am not innocent in this whole situation. I fell into temptation, and allowed my hurt and loneliness to justify my actions. I have not been with anyone else since, and never will have another affair. I ended it.

I guess what I need now is support from others that might have been in my situation. My husband still upsets me because I feel the only reason he wants me again is because I am thin and attractive again. He only tried after he saw what I looked like now, and that men give me a second glance now when we are out together. Jealousy might be the only reason he wants this to work between us.

And I'm not too sure that I want it to work also. I am scared to imagine my life without him since he's been such a big part of my life, for better or worse for almost 7 years. Someimes when I look at him I can't see myself with him anymore.

We basically have not lived together for 2 years, I am very used to being alone, and raising the children alone, and have become very independant, and I know he sees this as a threat.

Does anyone have any advice or words of wisdom? It's a very confusing situation.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It would be better for your children if you and your husband can stay married. I see a lot of work though. Your husband needs to treat you like a wife and spend time with his family.

Start in Plan A (you can read all about it on the link in my sig line. If you make changes, then maybe he will too.

Many, many marriages that were hopeless were saved here, and even turned into wonderful marriages. Keep reading and posting, and we will help you through this.

Weekends are very slow, so you might want to post on the General Question forum where there is more traffic.

Hi ArmyMom78!

Welcome to Marriage Builders. Weekends are really slow around here but I'm sure you'll get some more replies later.

Your story sounds so familiar to many that I've heard over the years involving young Army families.

I was on active duty on my first assignment when my W had all of her A's... so I can understand the pain that you're going through.

I'd recommend that you try and find a good pro-marriage marriage counselor and start going now, before your H returns from Iraq.... Also, get a copy of the book Torn Asunder by Dave Carder... this is a great book and it will put many of the feelings that you are experiencing into perspective.

I'm sorry that you had a revenge A... you mentioned that you you will 'never' tell your H... Only you can decide what you will or won't do... but if you truly want to heal and rebuild your M, you must eventually tell your H.

It is possible to rebuild your M... my wonderful W and I are living proof that it can be done. But it's not easy, and it doesn't happen over night.

Wishing you and your H the best...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Thank you for your reply and I will check out that link.

Our oldest has HFA/AS and requires therapy twice a week also he gets additional therapy at school. He is 5 almost 6 .Since he was diagnosed he has seemed to put our children back into his priorities.

The youngest really doesn't know him. He is 3.

Rebuilding

I normally would agree to fessing up about my own affair but won't that make me feel better, and make him feel worse? What good will it really do to tell him about my revenge A?

I'm glad that I found this site though. Thanks.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ArmyMom78:
<strong> Rebuilding

I normally would agree to fessing up about my own affair but won't that make me feel better, and make him feel worse? What good will it really do to tell him about my revenge A?

I'm glad that I found this site though. Thanks. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi AM78... it's not about 'making you feel better & making him feel worse'... it's about being open and honest with each other. Honesty is the foundation that you MUST rebuild your M on... anything less will only bring you and your H heart ache later on down the road.

Again, you must decide if you will tell or not tell your H... but most people here (including many FWWs) will advise you to tell your H.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

RTF

Thanks again for clearing that up for me. Honesty is best I agree, but I guess I am just afraid or his reaction more than anything. I don't think I could do it in our home or somewhere equally as private.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Honesty is best I agree, but I guess I am just afraid or his reaction more than anything. I don't think I could do it in our home or somewhere equally as private.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's normal to fear his reaction... just as he probably fears telling you about his suspected A... Again, part of rebuilding your M is learning to be totally honest with each other.

I wouldn't suggest telling your H just yet... find a good MC and get their guidance on when and where to tell your H... but eventually, you must tell him if you ever want to rebuild your M.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Thanks Rebuilding. I will do that. Maybe I should go to counseling on my own before he gets back.

Ok it's a new day and now I'm back into my I don't want to work this out anymore feelings.

Is it normal to jump between wanting to rebuild and the desire to give up? Because I am always doing this. For the last year I have been going back and forth, but I guarentee you if he called right now and spoke to me I'd be committied to rebuilding again. He's got that kind of trance over me.

How do I decide what it is that I really want to do? Are there any steps for thought processing everything?

Hi AM78,

Your feelings will change from day to day... sometimes they will change from minute to minute...

What you have to decide for yourself is if you want to make the committment to your M. Are you willing to comitt to rebuilding your M?...

I wouldn't make a decision until at least 6 months after your H returns from Iraq... You and your H are both hurting... and your H doesn't yet know about your A... so he will need some time to decide what he wants to do as well....

Try to focus on the facts that you know...

* Your H's actions have hurt you.
* Your actions have hurt your H, but he doesn't know about it yet...
* Your H has said that he wants to work on the M
* You are obviously willing to work on the M, or else you wouldn't be here on the MB website.

Make the committment to give yourself at least 6 months once your H returns before you decide what you want to do. In the meantime, continue to look for a good pro-marriage MC and start going...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

RF90,

Thanks...my mom told me that after being seperated for so long that it will take time to really see where we are relationship wise when he gets home...not to make any rash decisions...basically what you have said, and I appreciate all the advice and support you have shown me so far.

I just feel like I should have one feeling and decision and be able to stick to it...not go back and forth over and over...it's really driving me nuts!

Someimes I am so mad, that I don't even care what he has to say about my own Revenge A....but then there are other times where I am deeply ashamed that I let myself commit such an act. I just wanted to hurt him like he hurt me and I wanted to feel wanted however brief a time it was...I broke it off ofcourse when I realized nothing good was going to come out of spite. I also had a hard time fighting with my innervoice. It was like a good angel and a devil...and I sided with the devil for awhile before seeing the light.

Sorry I am rambling on and on.

You should post over on the GQII board... they have more traffic and there are lots of terrific FWWs that can offer you some great advice...

I posted a link to this page on the GQII board... I'm sure you'll get some great advice from some of the FWWs...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Thanks RF90...I appreciate it...Gosh i'm such a newbie huh?

ArmyMom,

You said something that I believe requires some thought </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks again for clearing that up for me. Honesty is best I agree, but I guess I am just afraid or his reaction more than anything. I don't think I could do it in our home or somewhere equally as private. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now I am guessing but to the extent that he fooled around on you, he might say the same thing. Examine your resentment and see where the source is. It is in how he treated you and what he did NOT tell you isn't it? Same shoe, same fit. Think about that OK?

Now, your mother is right after all of this separation even under the BEST of circumstances you and your H would need a lengthy period of adjustment, especially as he is very likely in combat now. It changes people.

Further, as RIF has pointed out your feelings will oscillate between yea and nea. Normal there.

Let me recommend a course of action that will lead to a decision. First, get the books here and read them. Read the articles here, do the questionaires.

Next wait until your H returns, but have him live elsewhere and see if He will do the reading. Then talk, and I mean really talk to each other including being honest with your behavior. THEN, after a lot of talk, perhaps some dates, decide IF either of you wants to be married. If so, go slow and work on the marriage, very much like you two were engaged.

Make the decision with the maximum information and that includes who this man is after two years of being gone and isolated from many things. You might be surprised to find a very mature, and committed man on your hands. Just the very sort of man you would like to marry and help bring up your children.

Don't rush, but lay out a plan that will lead you to a decision that suits both of you. That will take time, education, effort, and patience.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Hi Army Mom,

I think you are in good hands with the advice of JL and of RIF, and if you decide that rebuilding is what you want, then it really is possible. It will take a lot of time and a lot of work, but it can be done.

I guess I agree with them that its a long term situation - you both need to spend a lot of time thinking about yourselves and working on yourselves, and you need to be convinced that your H is ready to do that work. Also, you will have to tell your H about your A, as well as hear all of the details about his. THis is incredibly scary and difficult and so I would wait until your H and you are at a point where you can trust each other to not react violently and to not LB (overly)!!

I have been through a confession to my H and I have to say it was the scariest thing I have ever done. Even though the last 5 months since then have been just about the hardest in my life, I have never regretted teling him. Its not possible to keep living a lie, it would ultimately kill your feelings for your H as well as your own self-respect.

Good luck and I hope you can make your decision with no regrets.

Thank you all for your replies...

He was home on R&R thi summer and he had a very short fuse, so it's scary to think what would happen when I tell him about my own A...

Jeez...Really it's scary even saying admitting to it here on a forum where no one knows anything about me personally.

ArmyMom78,

There is also another reason why you should consider telling your H about your short fling and that is because it could serve as the wakeup call that his old ways were instrumental in setting up the bad marital environment that made it possible for your affair to occur. He must realize that unless he is willing to do his part of the work to rebuild the marriage that things will go back to being the same as before.

If you do decide to confess to your H about your very short affair, please consider doing it in an environment of safety such as a marriage counselors office. The chances of your H losing control and becoming The Hulk in the presence of others would be greatly minimized. The counselor could even help him to realize how painful his affairs were to you by the pain he would experience because of your own affair. While there are no guarantees that your revelation would help him become a better H in the long run, you would at least know whether or not your marriage has a chance to become better that it has been so far because any phonyness on his part would be stripped away when the truth about your affair becomes known to him.