I'm new to this, so here goes. I have been married for 20 years. We have 3 kids, 1 in college and 2 in high school.

My husband started a new job 1 year ago. I met a coworker of his whom I had known 20+ years ago in college. She is smart, pretty, caring, (really, a lot of the characteristics that attracted my husband to me).

They were working on a huge project together at work. I told him my worries that he was working too closely with her, and I knew there would be temptations. My husband said it was strictly professional. He would in no way jeopardize his job or his family.

I felt my husband distancing himself from the family. We had a heated argument because I felt he was having 2 lives - his business life and his home life. He always kept them separate. When he took this job, we talked about this issue because we had gone through this type of job before where he wines, dines, hunts, fishes, and golfs with other people. His job was much more fun than his home life.

He assured me again that he loved his job, his wife, and his children. He added, not necessarily in that order.

My husband travels 1 or 2 nights about every 2 weeks. He would always tell me when the coworker was going to be at the presentations out of town. Of course, I always asked.

Last week, he left his computer logged on, and I decided to go through his emails. In his sent emails, I found one from her. It said, "Hey" "Just thinking of you." He had responded, "I'm always thinking of you." "Thanks for being there."

The bottom of my world fell out. While typing this, I still feel the raw emotion of discovering this. It's the worst pain I've ever felt.

I confronted my husband, and he immediately began crying and sobbing. He said it was a mistake, and that he loved me. He said he kissed her on 3 separate occasions when they were out of town. They both knew it was wrong because she is married too, but they got carried away in the "sophomoric" feelings. He said he doesn't love her, and he'll spend the rest of his life trying to make it up to me.

He called a marriage counselor, and we've been to her twice. I don't feel like it's helping me. First of all, she complimented my husband for wanting to stay in the marriage and work it out. I was furious! I know that I am a beautiful woman with much to offer. I didn't think he should be complimented. I even told the counselor that I certainly did not want a man who felt guilty, so he's trying to make his marriage work. I think I deserve better than that.

Anyway, I know I still love him, but I'm dealing with these feelings of anger and resentment. I am trying to be very loving to show him that I do want our marriage to work, but then I have these waves of anger that he would hurt me so much, even after I warned him of the situation with this coworker. It's like he wanted to do it anyway.

We're working on the relationship. When he is with me, everything is good, but as soon as he leaves or goes to work (she works there too), I fall apart.

I know this is long, but if anyone can offer any insight, please let me know.

<small>[ November 08, 2004, 11:50 AM: Message edited by: srdd ]</small>

Tell her husband, today.

You cannot recover while they are in contact. Either your H or the OW must change their life so that they NEVER see each other again. If your MC doesn't understand that, find another one. That is a fundamental aspect of affair recvery.

The trust he has broken can be rebuilt, over time (think in terms of 1-2 years), once contact between them has ended.

Click on the link in my signature line for more detailed information.

Hello! I know exactly how you're feeling. I think everyone here does. My H lied to me initially and told me all they did was kiss. That was two days after he swore on a bible on the lives of our children that he hadn't been involved with anyone at all in any way to any degree. It took me a little over two weeks and the threat of him taking a polygraph before he came clean about the sex. I'm not saying your H had sex, but I think men lie and I also think they tell the story little by little, in bits and pieces, somehow thinking it is better that way. Without the lie detector test, I don't think my H would have ever told me the whole truth. Every situation is different, but there could be more that you don't know yet.

My H did some of the same things. He was so sorry. It meant nothing. He sought out and set up IC right away, etc... He even lied to the counselor and said there was no sex. I remember at one point H saying, "You're so convinced we had sex. Do you want me to admit to something I didn't so just b/c that is what you want to hear?" Thinking back on some of the BS he was telling me makes me sick to this day.

My thoughts are with you. I wish you well in your search for the truth and I hope you do consider telling the OW's H. He deserves to know. Anyone in that situation deserves to know the truth. I know I wish someone would have had the deceny to clue me in.

SNS

I agree with everyone about NO CONTACT.

Your husband is acting just like they all do. However I give him credit for going to counseling. You may need a different counselor though. Although sometimes counselors go easier on the WS at first so they don't scare them off.

At the very least, your husband and OW cannot work together anymore. That is for your peace of mind.

Stick with us and we will help you through this. Many have gone on to have a much better marriage.

Sorry you have to be here. I agree with the others, you must find out exactly what happened. My H also lied and told about his A in bits and pieces. He too traveled for his job and at first he told me it only happened twice. It actually turned out to be more like 15 times over a 4 month period. Possibly more. I found telling him there was no way I would even try to work on it until I had the whole truth finally made him fess up. Your H needs to consider a new job (as drastic as that may sound) or you will not have any peace at all. That may help prove to you how committed he is to this. Good luck - hope you get some good advice here.

Thanks for all of the advice, but I mentioned to my MC about contacting the OH and she said no. She said it wouldn't help my situation and that was the OW's problem, and she'd have to deal with it herself. My husband would also stand to lose his job, and that wouldn't help my family either.

It's complicated. We're continuing to go to MC, and I'm hoping to keep it together. I quit my job so I could spend more time on my family. He also said that anytime he travels, I can go with him. I don't know if this is just a honeymoom stage, but he seems to be really devastated, and he seems sorry.

It still hurts when I think of the unknowns. He says there isn't any more to the story, but I'm having a hard time believing it.

I think maybe time will tell. If I begin feeling those same intuitions again, I'll kick him to the street. But for now, I'm going to have to take him at face value with a little snooping on the side and a lot of MC.

Thanks again for the advice. I can't even watch anything on TV or movies, or listen to songs that deal with unfaithfulness. My stomach just turns. I hope one day I can get over this.

srdd

SR,

There is a lot of collected wisdom on this board. Of course not every situation is the same. But...in most cases, exposure and a firm no contact agreement are key to breaking the affair. You are setting yourself up for more heartache down the road if you don't handle this now.

You say your husband could lose his job over this. Is his job more important than your marriage?

So, are you saying that I should contact the OW's husband? Or are you saying that I should demand that my husband change jobs? Should I sit down and talk to the OW?

What do you think my next step should be? My husband says he would never do anything like this again because he didn't realize how much he loved me and our children until he almost lost it all. Why would he say those things if he didn't mean it? Does he have some issue deep down that needs to be fixed? What makes men cheat? He said it was for the thrill or his ego? Does that make sense?

Thc MC said it wasn't about me. But, it sure affected me. I don't get it. The MC said I'm not supposed to. H E L P!

srdd

The marriagebuilders plan is to expose the A to the other betrayed spouse. Also they should not work together anymore.

In the meantime, stay in Plan A. You can read all about it on the link in my sig line.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Why would he say those things if he didn't mean it? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The answer is not simple. Partly because that is what you want to hear, and he does not want to lose you. Partly because he believes it to be true. Unfortunately, he has demonstrated that he does not really know hiself that well. And, even if he means it now - and he probably does - will he feel the same way in two weeks? Two years? </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Does he have some issue deep down that needs to be fixed? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What makes men cheat? He said it was for the thrill or his ego? Does that make sense? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes. So would a future affair not be thrill and not feed his ego?

There you have the deep down issue that needs to be fixed - his need for a thrill and an ego boost exceeded his care for you. Until you see, over a long period of time, that he has changed, then you will not feel safe, and you will not trust him.

Furthermore, affairs are addictions, and as long as his former affair partner is in contact with him, he is in danger of rekindling the affair.

No contact is really non-negotiable. My wfe and her XOM had phone contact once per month about business issues for about 6 months after DDay, because: we could not afford for her to quit her job right away (though she did start looking for another), she was obviously dedicated to recovery, and I could handle the limited contact they had, even though I didn't like it. The day he quit, our recovery noticably improved.

So, one of them needs to change companies, and they need to end all contact for life. If her husband knew, there would probably be one more person interested in that outcome.

One of the conditions of an affair is secrecy. By destroying the secrecy, you destroy the foundation upon which the affair was built. By keeping the secret, you are leaving fertile ground in which the seed can be re-planted.