Wife started A 4 months ago. I found out mid-August. She says she is in love with OM. Not in love with me. I tried Plan A. They lasted 1.5 weeks. I have all proof via emails of contact and last Friday she met him at hotel.
I've tried Plan A stuff, being kind, not getting angry, etc. It seems to help some, but she's addicted to OM and writes him all the time.
This is same stuff she wrote to me 16 yrs ago when we met.

She says she wants separation, but financially can't because we just bought big house. I told her that she should stop communicating with him until she leaves. But she won't leave.

How can I get her out so I won't be hurt everytime she communicates with her lover? Seems only way is to get her to Plan B.

Do you have any kids?
Do you live in a no-fault state?
Have you seen a lawyer?

Have you tried any Marital counseling.

This site, and the books and everything are great, but without some MC you are probably spinning your wheels.

I would suggest immediately trying to set up some MC with your WS. At least discuss it w/her and see how receptive she is.

Also, continue Plan A, it won't work if you just do it for 1.5 weeks. Someone will correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe that the normal time-line for moving to Plan B is about 6 months after working Plan A continuously.

Keep your chin up.

We have gone to counseling, but she calls it "just figuring out" things and not marital counseling.

I have talked to an attorney. Everything is split 50/50 here.

Today she is acting real nice and wants to go out tonight. She is basically waffling back and forth all of the time, but seems to not be willing to give up contact with OM. Then the next minute wants to spend time. I've heard that I need to give her space, and I told her I would, but then she contacts me again and wants me to come bring her lunch at her office and to do other things together??? Then I find out that she visited the OM.

I know that she wants me to be stable emotionnally and give her support, but how long do I have to continue being betrayed?

If Plan A takes 6 months, then I should just keep bringing it up?? WW gets real mad when I find out that she continues contact despite lieing to me and counselor.

BS - 45
WW - 37
Son - 15

1.) Click on the link in my signature line and read the Plan A links.

2.) SHE doesn't go to Plan B, you do. If that means you sell or lose the house, well, then that's what happens.

3.) Plan A lasts between 3 weeks and 6 months, depending, but you should have a counselor or coach who is familiar with the process coach you through it.

Clearer now?

John,

Thanks a lot for clarification.

How do I find a couselor or coach to help through the process? All of the counselors in my area seem to want to go over our past. I am ready for now and the future.

WW doesn't even want to stop NC. WW tried it once and said it was only for "protecting me", not for her.

WW doesn't seem to believe in counselors and seems to mock the whole process.

BH - me 45
WW - 37
Son - 15
D-Day - August 18th, 2004

Is the other man married? If so, you need to let his wife know what is going on.

Your wife is fairly typical in the way she is acting. Stay in Plan A.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> WW tried it once and said it was only for "protecting me", not for her. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Er, yeah, that is the primary reason. That and she will never give you the time and energy she needs to give to you if she is actually going to have a marriage if she is giving that time and attention to someone else.

So, to whom have you exposed the affair?

How do you tell her about how you feel when she does things which make you uncomfortable, hurt, fearful, angry, sad, etc?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> All of the counselors in my area seem to want to go over our past. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did you read the links in my signature line link under item 2, or What is Marriage Coaching? ? Unfortunately, your experience is typical. It is usually either digging into your past and/or teaching you about communication, so that you can more clearly state how you dis-agree. This is in contrast to marriage coaching, where you work on the things that have been proven to produce great marriages (care, protection and healthy conflict resolution).

The only people I know who do marriage counseling that I would recomend are those I know personally in the Twin Cities metro area (a problem if you do not live here), Steve Harley and Jennifer Harley Chalmers (Bill's kids) who do phone counseling, and Penny Tupy who also does phone coaching. All of them have studied with Bill H. There ARE others, but it can be a long frustrating search for someone good.