My wife and I are both in our 50’s. We’ve been married about 3 years.

It started about a year and a half ago. My wife and I worked together in the same office. I was trying to print to the color printer attached to her computer and it wouldn’t print. I went to her computer to try to fix the problem and her yahoo email was open. There were several emails from a man. I read the latest one. They were responding back and forth to each other by clicking Reply, so the latest email included all the prior ones.

I think this is a man that she had told me about that was friends with her and her husband in another state. She moved to this state then several years later left her husband and got an apartment. She contacted him and one day he just showed up at her door and told her that he had left his wife and was moving here to be with her. She wound up going back to her husband because of the kids and she had always wondered if he was the love of her life and she missed out. He went back to his original state and found a new wife.

Based on the email he had now left the new wife and moved here. It was obvious from his email that he was still interested in my wife. She told him that she was happily married but maybe they could be friends. He invited her for lunch – she suggested drinks instead. Then she said that they had to meet “in a dark bar so that nobody would recognize her”.

If it hadn’t been for that statement I might think it was innocent and that her intent was just to be friends. However this made me wonder. I was devastated over the fact that she would sneak around behind my back like this.

I knew my wife’s yahoo password so I started monitoring her email.

They made a date and were to meet on a Tuesday afternoon. That morning she came in to work dressed like she was going out on a hot date and was planning to get laid afterwards. She was even wearing a different perfume and lots more of it than normal. I commented on the fact that she looked very good – she seemed embarrassed.

About 10 he sent her an email saying that he had a business appointment and would have to reschedule. They rescheduled for Friday. Friday she was dressed nicely, but not provocatively. At noon on Friday I said to her “We’ve been working mighty hard lately – let’s take the afternoon off and go to a movie.” I was ready to be really upset if she said no, but she agreed.

He was on vacation for the next three weeks and they sent emails back and forth occasionally. When he returned they never could seem to find time to get together. She said that she would send him some pictures so they wouldn’t need to meet. She then sent him several semi-nude pictures that I had taken of her.

As far as I know they never did have their date, but I can’t be sure. He sent her an email about two months ago saying that he was still waiting for that drink. She has lots of free time. In one of her emails she told him that he should have grabbed her up when he had the chance. She hasn’t had an email from him for quite a while, unless she found out I was spying on here and got a new email account.

I think my wife’s idea of cheating is having sex, and I don’t think she would do that. However to me, sneaking around behind my back and having a date with someone that she has had feelings or in the past and that has let her know that he still has feelings for her is cheating.

I haven’t said anything to her about this. I know that she would be very upset knowing that I was spying on her email. In addition, I’m sure she would tell me that there was nothing to it, that she just wanted to be friends. I would never know if she was telling the truth and the fact that I had been spying on her would be out and I would probably have to stop it. This way I can at least have an idea if she gets any more email from he.

It’s been a year and a half and his still bothers me immensely. I think about it constantly. When she comes home late I always wonder if she was with him. I feel like I am depressed because of it.

Am I overreacting? What can I do to get over this?

Joe,

Welcome!

You are not overreacting, in my view. You'll find lots of good advice here. My two cents is this: the time for confronation is long past. You should tell your wife that you know what is going on.

I suspect you might be right that she started a new email account. I'd worry about what is going on.

Until you expose - and stop this - you'll have no peace of mind.

I don't think you are over reacting. Semi-nude pictures sound pretty serious!!

Get a key-logger to spy on her computer. Can you check her cell phone bills?

The gut feeling is there for a reason.

k

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances.

Start in Plan A. You can read all about it on the link in my signature line.

I do think you should try Plan A, and monitor her activity a little longer. That way you are not giving anything away.

I want to thank everyone for the advice. My gut feeling is that there is nothing going on and never has been. I think my W had second thoughts, realized what she was about to do was wrong and didn't go through with it. However after thinking this, I then wonder if I'm in denial.

I realize that my problem is very minor compared to most of the ones that I read on this board. That makes me feel somewhat better.

I feel like I should talk to my W about this, but I hesitate to let her know that I was spying on her email.

Joe,

If your wife found out that you were dressed up and planning to meet another woman in a dark secluded place and later you were sending this woman semi-nude pictures of yourself; do you honestly think that your wife would be quiet about it? You are in denial if you think you do not have serious problems now or in the future. You need to discuss everything you found out and discuss the need for marriage counseling. Sticking your head in the sand will not help your marriage. Your marriage should be based on honesty and not deceit. Again if the roles were reversed, do you honestly think your wife would not say anything to you? I doubt it.

The recovery process for an emotional affair is the same as for a physical one. Click on the link in my signature line. You both need an honesty injection. How about you start?

Hey, Joe... Welcome to MB.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by joe2k:
<strong> I feel like I should talk to my W about this, but I hesitate to let her know that I was spying on her email. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Uh, Joe, you weren't spying on her to begin with. You innocently stumbled on an inappropriate string of emails (include half-nude pictures!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ). If your wife thinks you had no reason to snoop after all of that she's got something to hide.

This is going to eat at your guts. Others have suggested a key logger and checking her cell phone bills if she has one. Probably not a bad idea. But at some point, this needs to be brought out into the open. If you wife thinks there is nothing wrong with her "friendship" then send her here.... and ask her why, if it was so innocent, that she didn't invite you along for the drinks?

Your gut meter is telling you she got it right and never met with the guy. You still need to talk with her about it. He can come back at any time and she's playing with fire. You need to throw some water on it.

~ Snow

Hello Joe!

My suggestion is simple. Confront her. Ask her first if you did any thing wrong in the marriage or if she is unhappy with you? If you come off this way, she will not feel as if she is being interrogated. She might ask why? Just tell her that you feel that she may not be happy and you are concerned. If she comes clean great! If the out come is that she does come clean and there is a problem. You both need to get counceling asap. Then there is a book. I am reading myself and it is very usful in situations like yours. I have been recommending this book a lot lately called; His Needs/Her Needs.

If she doesn't come clean and that nagging feeling is still there. Sad to say this but snoop. Do not let her know that you are. Keep a journal. Leave after she does. Print out her e-mails, get her cell phone statement. Make her feel really uncomfortable by complimenting her when you think she is going to meet this guy. Tell her that you want to gobble her up because she looks so darn beautiful and tell her how lucky you are to have such a wonderful lady as you do. Yes guilt works. Then purchase the book Surviving an Affair and Plan A. her while you are snooping. But if there is nothing there? Plan Aing her will be like when the two of you just started dating. But listen to that feeling. 99% of the time, it is right. I am hoping this is the 1% that it is wrong.

Good luck to you and I wish all the luck.

Ali~

By the way Joe, I should have listen to my gut. I was in denial for so long. If I would have put my foot down when I knew something was going on, I would have been in a much better place. Denial is like a fog. You just can't believe it is happening so you give the benefit of the doubt. If you questioned it, then there is something there to be concerned about. Please take it from me. My H. Affair happened over a year and half ago. I feel as if it happened yesterday. The pain is still very fresh. My husband told me in the beginning that he found a friend and that she was going through a divorce. I came to visit him (long story) and I never got introduced to her. He talked about her in the beginning but once the A. started, he kept her quite.....

<small>[ November 13, 2004, 07:19 PM: Message edited by: Ali88 ]</small>

Joe,
Did she have an affair? Based upon what you said I don't think so. That doesn't meant the red flags aren't waiving because she came awfully close.

Maybe the photos even take her over the edge.

Ali suggested "His Needs Her Needs" Buy it asap. As Harley says it will help you "affair proof" your marriage.

Have your wife read it too. Do the excercises together on discovering and then communicating your needs to each other.

As you get into it ask your wife defines infidelity. Is it intercourse, other sexual activities, kissing, telling someone else that you love them?

Most people don't understand that an affair can be non-physical or emotional.

Most physical affairs start because a married woman is having an emotional affair with the partner. Sometimes the emotional love is requited by the man before the sex but that is rare.

If your wife doesn't believe in emotional affairs buy the book, "Not Just Friends" by Glass. It has agreat definition of an EA.

Mac

Again, thanks for everyone's help. I have decided I definitely need to talk to her about it.

About a month after this incident happened a woman that I used to date called me at the office. I'll call her J. My W and I worked in the same office and our desks were just a few feet apart.

J was never a girlfriend. We went out a few times and decided that there was no magic, yet we still wanted to be friends. Once we tried being intimate, and that clinched the feeling that we could never be anything more than friends. We dated when we didn't have anyone else in our lives.

J said that she was between boyfriends and just wanted to call to see if I ever got married. She knew that I was planning to. I said yes, that I was happily married.

We talked some more and I said that I had changed occupations and was now a mortgage broker. She said that was a coincidence because she was planning to buy a house. I then proceeded to take her information in order to get her preapproved for a mortgage.

When I got off the phone my W asked who I was talking to. I told her and she got very upset. She said she didn't want me talking to J any more. I had told her about every woman that I had ever dated, so she knew the story about J.

I never dreamed when I was talking to J that my W would object. I couldn't understand it, because she knew there had never been anything going on between us. She said that J was interested in me. I again explained our prior relationship, and assured her that she was wrong. She wouldn't believe it.

That night my W slept in the living room and she gave me the cold shoulder for several days. I didn't think I had done anything wrong and refused to back down. I just couldn't see telling J that I couldn't work with her on the loan because my W wouldn't let me.

J spent about two months looking at houses and finally bought one and I made about $4000 on the loan.

During this period my wife heard most of the conversations that I had with J. The ones that she didn't hear were because she was not in the office at the time, and I would have had no objections to her hearing any of these conversations.

I know if I have a discussion with my W that she is going to bring this up, and she will probably say that what I did was just as bad as what she did.

I disagree for several reasons:

1. I did not sneak around behind her back. She was aware of what was happening from the beginning.

2. I did not meet J socially, and did not talk to her socially.

3. J was not interested in me other than just as a friend (W would disagree with that).

Am I wrong, and was what I did wrong? Is it wrong to have a business relationship with someone that you've dated in the past, as long as there is no possiblity of it becoming more than a business relationship? I've read several articles on Emotional Affairs and I definetly do not believe that this falls into that category.

No, it is not wrong! But could it be how you were talking to her? Your wife probably felt a little threaten because there was an attraction in the beginning that brought the two of you together. Was there flirting going on in the phone conversations? Did you let loose and not acting professional? Not saying what you did was wrong. If you were open about her in the beginning and nothing to hide then obviously there are tons of insecurities!

I feel that what you have posted in the beginning is like a ping pong ball match. She is upset with you over this matter so now she has some guy up her sleeve.??? Why not go to counceling and talk about the insecurities that the two of you have before it gets way out of hand and the resentment builds. it is soo important to nip it in the butt now.
Did you purchase the books yet? It is very theraputic and it will give you great insite!

Let me know Joe!

Ali~