This is a repeat post from another thread. The thought was I might pick up some more answers with my very own thread.

My situation has all of the same emotional pain and suffering, but in a sense I feel like mine is nothing in comparison to those who have experienced long lasting EA's and PA's. I discovered 1 1/2 months ago that my husband met a woman for drinks. For some odd reason I checked his cell, which he had just gotten two months earlier. I saw a number and name I did not recognize that he called 4 times when he was at a football game with a buddy. Then he called the buddy he was supposedly with. Of course when asked he lied and said it was someone he met golfing and they were trying to arrange an outing, then he had to confess that he met her for drinks. I made him call her the next morning to break things off. He said he didn't know if he loved me anymore and needed to move out to be alone and think. He promised that he would not have contact with her. I would ask him everytime we were together and he would say no. I just recently checked his cell phone bill and discovered that he had called OW.
He said he owed OW some money and wanted to return it to her. And that the call was trivial and he didn't feel he needed to tell me. I too check his phone when he visits, but he often leaves in in his car. He was actually angry that I checked his bill, and he has even gone so far as to blame me for ending the potential relationship with OW. I have done the research to find out things about OW, but she has an unlisted address. I do know where she works, but I haven't contacted her because truthfully she had no idea my H was married. He often does not wear his wedding ring. So she was somewhat innocent. I have not found any evidence that she has contacted him back. Everytime I see him I feel the need to ask and he gets so angry. He is much like Gingersnaps H, Very closed emotionally, cold and aloof. He says he doesn't want a divorce, but is still blaming everything on me. My out of control temper, my yelling, and as he calls it my "Spanish Inquisition". How the hell do you ever get the trust back? Should I contact the OW and ask her if they are continuing to see each other? I am wondering if I should just through in the towel. I love him, but can not take the emotional roller coaster and indifference I seem to be getting from him. Can the love come back?

Hi WWH,

Just wanted to say we love "newbies" just wish we did not have to meet on a site like this.

Can you tell us more about your M,like how long have you been together,things like that.Is this the first time anything like this has happened??

Just because you found out early does not mean the pain is not just as real.In a way you are lucky maybe you stopped something before it had a chance to go farther.

Hang in there and keep posting.We are here to help and support you.

Gingersnap
The one thing I always said about my marriage was that I felt 100% that I could trust my husband. Although not a very emotionally expressive person I felt his family values would never allow him to travel down the road he chose. He admits that he was only thinking about himself, but he has yet to admit any wrong doing or really apologize. He still blames me for making him want to look elsewhere. Now the trust is gone and I don't know if I can ever get it back. I believe this is the first time anything like this has occurred.
He denies any prior acts.

BW 41 (me)
WH 41
married 14 1/2 yrs
2 girls 10 & 12
Dday 9/26/04
He moved out 10/25/04

Hello WWH!

Welcome to your thread! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I think you will get a lot of help now that you are out in the open.

I will come back to this thread in a bit. But all I can say is read, read, read and read. The book Suriving and Affair helps a lot! I have the book After the Affair too. They both have the same concept. But in Suriving an Affair, it breaks it down to help the couple communicate much easier. But you both need to be commited. After that or buy them together, His Need and Her Needs. That will help you see what your husband need from you and vice versa.

Ali~

Sorry about the typo's. I am always typing really fast. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

Ali~

Ali, as I told Gingesnap on the other thread, I have come to realize that my anger is just depleting me, and that the best thing for me to do is keep my mouth shut. My WH knows how I feel, he has heard the pain. Now he must decide if he wants to do anything about it. I have shared with him my emotional needs. Whether or not he decides to do anything about it, it is out of my hands. I have asked him for a list of his needs and he says OK but I haven't seen anything yet. By the way I have just signed up for a class called Reclaiming your Life, for people who are separated or going through a divorce. Got to keep myself strong for the kids. Going to have him babysit while I go and take care of me. Sounds like your H is very much like mine. They seem so cold and distant. My H says he doesn't want a divorce...yet. So he wants me to hold out until he decides. the sex thing is weird too. Your damned if you do (he doesn't feel anything emotionally) and your damned if you don't (one of his emotional needs are being filled) Argghhh <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
And I can relate to you sons special needs. My youngest has been diagnosed with Turners syndrome.
We have a lot of health and emotional issues to deal with down the road. She was diagnosed 2 weeks after Dday. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

WOW!

The worst thing for you to do is to "shut up!" That will cause the volcano effect. And all your efforts up into that point will be erased. You need to learn how to rechannel your anger. Feeling anger is not a bad thing. It is very natural feeling. But when used wrong, it can be harmful rather than getting your point across. What about anger managemnent classes? The only reason why I am starting my post with anger is because your anger and how you "handle" it will follow you no matter what. And when you are under a great deal of stress, you may not be able to handle an incident if one should arise. So regaining control would benefit you rather if the two of you divorce or is he decides to stay.

I feel for you. Stuck on the carousal until he makes up his mind rather for you to stay on or get off is so frustrating. OK is this ride over yet? My H. did that to me for months and months. I was in a fog myself, my head was spinning I couldn't make rash decision's. I felt like a puppet. As someone put it on MB it is called survival. You just go and go.

Now, the book Suriving an Affair will help you get your H. back. There is a plan called Plan A. It might be extremely difficult for you because you might feel that it is a bunch of a$$ kissing. But it is not. You learn so much about yourself. I planted myself at Barnes and Noble reading self help books. When reading the books, you will realize at one point you two lost your connection. And it will guide you on how to regain that connection back.

Did you say your husband read the book After the Affair? Because that book can apply to him. He was attracted to some other women and feelings were arising. He even said it to you that you "got in the way" of what could have been? Gee's, sounds like my husband it ways. Except I was out of state. When I was visiting him, I was hospitalized with what I thought was food poisioning. The doctors thought it was something worse. I went to the hospital at 1:00 in morning and my plane was leaving at 7:00 am. He was mad because I wasn't leaving? They admitted me. She the tramp, I like to call her, only word appropriate for this message board, called me a distraction. He was mad because the night I was supposed to leave, had planned a romantic evening. The hospital wanted to keep me for another day. He insistanted that I was fine and that it would cost another $100.00 bucks if I changed my ticket again. Gee that is how much I was worth to him. I remember him coming into my room with my favorite cologne and my favorite shirt. He obviously got done seeing her. He turned into some evil person. This wasn't the man I had married. So I really understand what you are feeling.

I knew about my H. affair when it just started. He asked me some really bazaar questions. Then I noticed this women leaving phone messages on his cell phone. I had the pass code. But I kept it quiet because I wasn't sure of it. I was in BIG denial. But then in late January I got really fed up and that nagging little feeling wouldn't stop. Her calls wouldn't stop either. I deleted all of them. One of the messages said "had a great time I hope there is a next." Obviously that was after they bonked each other. I played message for a friend who's husband happened to be there and he is a pretty down to earth type of guy. And when they heard that they were like woooh! So I finally confronted him. And did it stop? Nooooo. He was 1200 miles away from me. Why would he stop? I wasn't there to get in his way. He lied and lied and lied.
So in March as the affair was still hot and heavy, he came in for a my sons evaluation which at that point he was diagnosed with AS. I was soo angry with him. He was complaining of a sore ear from his flight. Tee hee. So I had warm up some ear stuff and put it in his ear. OK here is the bad part. I over heated purposely and poored it in his ear while hot! Obviously, I didn't read the book yet! I wanted to hurt him so bad because he was lying straight to my face. No guilt, no nothing on his face! And that infuriated me! I felt like nothing. All those years meant nothing to him. I was disposable. Some white trash with nasty fake blonde hair comes in an helps detroy my marriage.

Getting the trust back? I wish I could help you there. It has been almost two years since his A. began. But my H. isn't really doing anything about it regaining either. He is like a selfish unemotional me, me, me, me rock!

Someone here will be able to help you with the trust part if you continue to post. So stay with us. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Ali~

And great job with the classes. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Ali,
It is all so amazing that the same stories repeat themselves on these posts. As I am listening to what you are saying I am thinking, "What the hell are we doing?" Why would any one of us put ourselves through this. Why do we not believe that we are worthy or more. I know that we all say "But I love him/her!", but you know what.... thinking about what he has done and the reality that he cares so little about hurting me has made me realize that I am better with out him.
Tell me again when your WH started his A? Did he agree to a NC and then break it? Are you still living together? Does your WH tell you that he loves you? Are you still getting MC?
Channeling my anger is what I am trying to do now.
Over the last 10 years I have been trying to lose weight. Well guess what, I lost 27 lbs in 6 weeks over this ordeal. I know that I look great and have been working out at the Y (he is often there as well, but I am ignoring him). I am learning to organize my time to take care of my kids and be a better Mom.

From your other posts I am gathering you and I might be neighbors. Where are you?

WWH
Sounds like you are getting things together fast.

I know in my situation my H DID NOT stick to NC at first.He even went as far to write me a letter asking me to please understand that he needed to HELP HER with her pain of breaking off the A.After all he had hurt a beautiful person.
OH PLEASE....what was I dog crap!!!!! What about my pain.
It took my H from what I can gather about 6wks to stop contact that I knew of,however 4m after dday I found her # plus 2 calling cards in his pocket,he said he found them when cleaning forgot he had them and was going to throw them away.I say B** S***.He had probably planned on calling her that night at work or had called her that day while I was at work and forgot to put them back in his hiding place.
So for me I am not sure when true NC really happened.

I am telling you this just so you stay on your toes about the contact.

I too look back at what my H has done to me,and wonder what is wrong with me that I can not walk away.Why do I continue to put myself thru this.

My H tells me how much he loves me and wants our relationship to work out,that he wants me back yet his actions do not say that.He is all talk right now.He says he is trying when I ask what are you doing he cant seem to give me an answer.

Ok my 2yr old is calling time to run.Talk to you more later.

AHHHH, I need my ADD medicine! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

WWH, where are you??

Well, my H. puta (teehee) dumped him for another married man. His story is on here. Go into search and hit 26649. You'll see the story in "his eyes." There was NC since he left. He came back home reluctantly after three days. But what you don't see on his posts is that after she dumped him he was wallowing in his "sorrows" and went to the bars only to find himself going home with another women. He did not sleep with her because he was so devastated that she dumped him. Also while he was putting gas into the car, a bunch of girls tried to pick him up and gave him their phone number and vice versa. When he was home they still continued to call him. I answered the phone one day and they hung up and stopped calling since. His I loves you's were so empty. The sex was cold. I think that was more my part than his.

I dropped an extreme amount of weight. Being 5.6 and weighing a 110 pounds was not good. I couldn't eat because I felt so nauseous and my body would just want to dry heave over the littlest smells. It was horrible. Well I gained 13 pounds back. Thanks to the halloween candy. And not working out! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> 110 was too skinny. 118-120 I am good with.

The I love you's are so empty. So rehearsed, so robotic. As if he feels that he has to say that.
Sex? I am just filling in a physical need for the both of us. No emotion, no nothing! Not saying it isn't satisfying, it is not emotionally satisfying. He went out of his way to make his apartment so damn romantic. He spent money on pillows, candles, plants, potpourri. We went to Bed Bath and Beyond while I was there because he wanted a "homey" atomsphere. My passion is decorating. So I gave him ideas. But not that! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> When I came to help him pack his stuff, I nearly got sick. Really! Looking at his "love nest" and the fact that he was mourning over her was like death. She was nothing. She was ugly. She was putting her best foot foward and he was believing she was the best thing in the world. Now, I am not sure he got closure from her. He realizes that she was using him. The "puta" was married and he cheated on her too.

Our insurance ran out so we are no longer in MC/IC. I am not sure it helped him because he wasn't doing any of the suggestions that was advised to him. Even our therapist was getting pretty frustrated at him. I felt like it was more of a venting therapy rather than glue our marriage back together. He wants to run away from his fire that he started and pretend that it never happened. Wrong!

Ginger, someone told me that what our husbands are doing is a form of control. Was that you? It makes sense! I just don't think they want to be alone. But then again, neither do I. All the advice that was given to me on my last thread really helped me see things in a different way. But the pain is still there. What do you think?

Ali~

In a way I am alone.
We do not live together.He would tell me that I needed to leave,that he was sick of me and our life and the kids.
I would come to visit our married kids and he would call me and tell me to stay,that I should not come back.

So finally I did that.On my visit here in July I put in job applications and got a job the first day,only my 2nd interview.Then I found a really nice apt went home gave my 2wk notice at work and I was gone,almost before I knew what I did.

Now the loneliness gets to me,somedays I can hardly stand it.

But still I dont know what I want.To suck it up and make things work,or to just call it quits and try and start over.

I dream of romance but would that really ever happen?? If I meet someone new it could be just new heartache.There is so much to think of and so I start to think it is just easier to stay w/my H,keep my mouth shut about how I feel and hope and pray that one day we are happy again.

Gingersnap,

See thats what I think we are missing. It is almost self pity that we sit and feel like it is all in his hands and we must be good little girls and wait. I asked my WH to keep his wedding ring on, since that was one of the things that started this whole mess. As far as I know he is wearing it, but then I thought wait a minute....while he is trying to "sort things out" I am putting my life on hold. I didn't start this ball rolling and I am not going to roll with it. I took my wedding ring off and put it in its original box. I am allowing my self to be open to anything. The ring is supposed to be a reminder of your vows, when in fact it reminds me of his betrayal and how he duped me. You must be a very strong person because I already know that I will not be able to make it for 2 years. If he is not ready for PLAN A by the New Year I am filing the papers.
I am at his work today because I work for him part time, but I am only staying for a 1/2 hour. I told him that today was my last day until he figures out what the hell he wants. (HE really needs me too because no one else knows how to do what I do, and the business relies on it) I asked him if he had had any contact and he said "NO, But so much for you not bringing that up again" I told him I needed to know because I had a decision to make. God I hate this....

Speaking of meds Ali... I started a AD right away and I think it makes me worse because I can not sleep and have dry mouth and other problems. They also gave me something to take to help me sleep. I tried last night to go without and the thoughts keep going through my head. What does he talk to her about, why does the minutes on his cell phone go up by 60 min in one day...who's he talking to, where's he at. Seems like I can think of nothing else. Started reading a book last night about forgiveness. Wonder if its possible.

WWH,

What kind of meds are you on? I was on Attention deficit meds. I was on Zoloft for awhile after my first baby was born. That helped me out. Didn't know I had the baby blues. Maybe it is too high of a dose? How long have you been on it? Stay away from caffine if you can. AD and caffine! Eek, that will have you spinning in circles. Are you excercising? Just getting out and walking 20 minutes a day will help the jitters too.

OOOO that cell phone! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I am confused here. Did you talk with him about her? And he is claiming he is not speaking to her. You need to confront this women and tell her that you know about the two of them and you want to know why this is going on. Be clear and don't loose your temper. That will only make you look bad. Get her cell # and call her when you think the two of them are together. Tell her that there is a huge emergancy and you know he is with her and you need to speak to him now. OK maybe bad advice. But something needs to be done and in the open!

Ali~

by the way, what state are you in? You said we might be neighbors?????

OH the wedding ring thing!!!!!!!!

After dday I was looking at wedding rings for my H.He said why are you looking at rings,I said I would like you to wear one,he said I have not worn a wedding ring for yrs you know that I dont want one.So I never looked again.
I had bought him one on our 19th anniversary and he just said "Why did you buy me this",in the early years he never wore one probably did not want anyone to know he was so young and married.

Well about fathers day last yr,he decides he wants to start wearing a ring.So he buys one.I told him a ring on his finger meant nothing to me he could buy it and wear it if that is what he chose to do.
He had it on the last time he came to visit but the 2x before that he did not.
So like you I took mine off.I only wear it once in a while.

He had gotten me a 25th anniversary ring but when I did the time line after dday I realized he bought it during his A,I took it off and told him I would never put that thing on again.It was only a reminder of what I got for my 25 yrs with him.........an "A".
He ended up taking that ring and buying me a new ring last yr for christmas.It is worthless to me,it means nothing.Everytime I look at it I feel like it was his cover up to his "A".

I wish I could say I have a dead line and then I am filing.I have asked him to file but he says NO.
I dont know what he wants,he says me,our life,our family but his actions say other things to me.

Oh well I am not letting it get me down anymore.I will go on living.
Like you said,We dont need to wait forever until they decide to come around.

As for AD drugs.........I never took them.I was given them but chose not to take them.I figured if it could not fix my problem why take them.

Rings? Ha!

I stopped wearing mine about 9 months ago. Wearing the rings humiliated me. I felt that he didn't value me as a person and I felt that he was above me because of how is was acting. Basically, I felt like it was a mockery! He made my whole life with him a complete mockery. I felt like I was being used!
He sometimes gets upset and says you used to wear them. I told him just how uncomfortable I am wearing them because these rings was a promise to me and you made a promise in front of every one we knew. "With ring is a symbol of my love and fidelity."
Well, about two weeks ago he took his off! It hurt. Because in my eyes, he is just playing games. Everything I have said or did about the game playing, hasn't rubbed into his brain yet! I am not sure if it will because he is so caught up in himself!

Ali~

<small>[ November 12, 2004, 04:00 PM: Message edited by: Ali88 ]</small>

Gingersnap,

All I can say about AD's is that although they do not fix your problems they do allow you to see things more clearly. They even you out so your swings aren't so big. I do not plan on being on them forever, but they are helping me cope in the mean time. I finally was able to sleep through the night both nights this weekend without a sleep aid. I have decided that I can not stop my H from having contact with the OW. If that is what he wants he can have her. He still is asking me to give him 3 months for him to decide if he wants to stay maaried or not. I asked him what happens if I do that nad you still leave after 3 months? He said "we'll cross that bridge when we come to it" Boy that helped!!

Are you getting counseling? How about friends?
What kind of social life do you have? Getting out at all? I reconnected with an old friend I haven't seen in 6 years. It was great!! I go to the YMCA three times a week and am signing up for a cooking class. I figure the more I get out the happier I will be, and the sooner I can put him behind me. If he decides to reconcile I just may need to think about it for awhile instead of leaping for joy.

Personally I think if we show our WH how strong and independent we are they are more attracted to us. If we let their hurtful words slide off our back, they stop . If we aren't home all the time, it gets them curious. Let your husband come to you, don't doubt his sincerity about working things out, in fact don't even give it a second thought. Have you read "Love must be Tough"? Make him work for your love, if he doesn't want it find someone who does.

Today I rode the elevator with 7 construction workers. They flirted, I flirted it was manna from heaven.

I have not been on the board for a few days so I missed this post.

How are you today??

I dont have a social life right now.I just moved so no friends.Yes I have met people at work but I would not call them friends yet.

Right now with my schedule it is hard for me to fit anything into it.I am thinking of joining an exercise class at the church because they provide daycare.

Next semester my D will not have late classes that will give me 2 nights a week off so maybe I could take a class or something on those nights.Right now I work M,W,F nights and have the kids late on T,TH.I usually work 8hrs each day on the weekends.
I go lots of places w/the kids but nothing I would call a social life.

You sound happy in your last post.I need to find that kind of strength to say it does not matter if he wants me or not I will go on.I know no matter what I will survive it is my nature but I want more out of the rest of my life then just surviving.

Ali, can you elaborate on the "bizarre" questions your husband began to ask you around the time that his A started? What were they?

Hello Andrew.

Yes. My Husband asked me how to use a condom on the telephone! We never used one before. I guess he never used one with his girlfriend before me either. Then he has asked in another conversation the day after the condom call; "How do you know when someone likes you?" Then he asked how would I feel I he took a women that he works with th the x-mas party because she is getting a divorce and going solo also. But the condom question was the one that really yelled red flags. I asked him why would you want to know how to use a condom when you have never used one before? The most lame excuse came out of his mouth. He said; "Because when I see you next time I would like to use one because you are not on anything." Even when I wasn't we never used anything. The sad thing is that he never touched me while he was in and when I was down there visiting. So there are some of the bizarre questions. One more thing. Funny that you mentioned that because right around this time is when he asked that! Right after Thanksgiving. I used to love the holiday season. Ba hum bug! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Ali~

<small>[ November 17, 2004, 05:37 PM: Message edited by: Ali88 ]</small>

My H never asked me any questions in fact he just stopped talking to me.If he did need to say something to me he always looked away or down to the floor,he never once looked me in the eye while he talked to me when he was involved w/her.And like you Ali,he never toched me not once.A man that asked for sex at least 3 to 4x a week our whole marraige(at this time it was 25yrs)yes 25yrs and he still had a high sex drive,NEVER ASKED ONE TIME FOR SEX!!!!!!!!!!

And the holiday season............Well today marks 2yrs that he left to take his trip to meet her.I have been feeling so down lately not really knowing why,then I realized what day it was.Funny how our subconcious does things like this.

The holiday season has not been the same for me,last yr I did not even get out my christmas tree.

This year I'm going to try and change that.I'm going to enjoy the season <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />