I have a question for folks on the forum. I saw Frank Pitman (Private Lies Author)on TV where he said that he has worked with over 20,000 couples in his practice over the years. In only 6 cases has he seen people divorce when there was not someone else between the two people trying to repair their marriage.<P>I understand we all had issues in our marriage prior to the various affairs. But any of us think that we would be in the brink of the Big D without someone else being in the picture with our spouses?<P>

No. My H told admitted that as of a few months before the affair, he had no plans to leave the marriage. When he told me he wanted a divorce, he said he had been feeling that way for "weeks, maybe months". I think it extremely rare for a long-term marriage, especially with children, to end unless there is an OP.

I agree with Nellie. My H and I had been married 16 years. While it is now very clearly obvious that we had become complacent and ignored each others needs, I never thought H would find someone else, and then opt for a divorce. He gets everything he's been missing from our marriage from his OW. Everything, I might add, that I never gave him.

Zip,<P>I'm actually glad I found the OP because it really opened my eyes to just how dissatisfied I had become. I had complained for years, but kept letting our marriage go through that cycle...me complaining, trying to make things better, then 3 months down the road, smae issues coming up.<BR>But to answer your question, no, I don't think I would be taking suc a serious look at my marriage had OM not come into my life. I think it was the wake up call I needed.

mschif,<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I'm actually glad I found the OP<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><B>{sarcasm mode on}</B><BR>Yeah, I'm glad my Wife took a lover & left me & the kids! It really made me wake up & see what I had!<BR><B>{sarcasm mode off}</B><BR>I don't know you're story so...<P>Are you going to stay married or are you dumping your H?<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A><p>[This message has been edited by Chris (CA123) (edited December 27, 1999).]

Mschif,<P>You sound much like my wife might right now given that she has had an EA for most of this year. Funny that things in our marriage where not that perfect either. I think I remember your story and do feel bad about how your husband treated you. <P>I think we all make choices about how we handle problems that arise in our marriages. Some people on purpose or not on purpose find themselves involved with someone else. In fact many of us on this forum is so starved for attention right now we are all very vunlerable. <P>The bad news is that is the easy way out and would just help us with some near term pain. <BR>The good news is that we are all here trying to understand what the heck is going on in our marriages.<P>For me I know things where not "right" for sometime. But the fact is all marriages go through periods where things are not "right". It is so much easier to reapair your marriage when the yardstick that you are measured by is NOT an affair. <P>So my orginal thought was that not very many people would leave their marriage unless they had someone waiting in the wings or someone that made their spouse look bad. It is kind of like leaving a job. No one really leaves unless they have another one and that next job always looks so good until the first week is over. Then it looks just like the one you left. Same problems and issues.<P>

Re:Mschif's words<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I'm actually glad I found the OP because it really opened my eyes <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This makes me <B>sick to my stomach</B>... how I now wish I would have realized the trouble my marriage was in and <B>fixed it</B> somehow before the OP came into the picture. I feel that the OM was a opportunistic horny [censored], and I was a vulnerable lonely woman who believed the load of crap he fed me. <P>What I wouldn't give to see my healthy, robust, loving H back instead of this hurting, pathetic man who can't seem to get through the day without making hideous horrid mistakes because of his pain. I do not take full responsibility for his pain because he makes his own mistakes now... but dammit, I'm sure not gonna say I'm <B>GLAD</B> the OM came into my life... on the contrary... I couldn't be sorrier!<P>~Sheryl<p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited December 27, 1999).]

Well said. We live in a world where too many people blame someone else for the position that they are in. Mschif, I can't believe that you are really glad that you met this person and he came into your life.<P>If you have children you have done nothing to have them respect you. I give you a lot of credit for being on this board to try and find you way through this.

Zip,<P>I agree that most of the time there is another person involved, but I do know some cases where this is not true.<P>mischif, did you mean to say that the affair gave you an opportunity to see where things were not right in the marriage and an opportunity to make things better???<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

new-beginning,<BR>Bravo! Double ditto what you said for me! Opportunistic horny [censored]. Man you pegged my OM (and probably all OP's out there). I even propose we stop calling them OP's and start calling them OHB's!!!! Even though my ex-H seemed to have sprouted horns somewhere in our erstwhile recovery, I sure would have liked the opportunity to see him become the angel I believed he could be before I went and mucked things up!!

And I agree that my very own husband has sprouted horns in <B>our</B> erstwhile recovery, as well!!<P>Remember, we may have mucked things up, but they had a part in the lack of recovery...<P>~Sheryl

I agree. Without the other person in our spouses lives we probably wouldn't be facing some of the most horrible pain that we never knew existed. My soon to be ex said he would never leave me, ever. Now all these wonderful things are being said about me in our court ordered counseling (custody battle) It seems I never cooked, cleaned, or raised our children. He actually said that "I" have an anger problem and that I would snap and blow at any given time. I almost found that comical since my previous Dr. was somewhat upset at me because I couldn't get angry. They have so many excuses and justifications for what they have done. None which make sense to alot of us. I have forgiven my H for his affair because I loved him and that I know no one is perfect. I just know that if he would have spent time watering his own lawn he would have never had to jump the fence to really see if the grass is greener on the other side.<BR>Nancy