I just recieved proof that my husband of 2 years was having an affair. We have been together for 12 years, and I know him so well, I suspected from almost the first moment he started talking to her. We just bought a house and I just relocated my job and home in the last two weeks for his job. He was calling this woman over 200 times in one month and I feel that the emotional relationship he had with her is more of a betrayal than if it had just been sex. He claims that now that I have found out, he will just end it. But he expects things to just be ok now. I love him more than anything, but I can't get past the hurt and betrayal right now. I worry that if I ask for a seperation he will go to her, but I can't pretend that it is all ok. He is acting like now that he has promised to end it, I should forget it all and stop bringing it up. I want to believe that he will end it, but how can I trust his word when he has been lying to me for the last 3 months. I do not want to end my marriage but I do not see how it can continue with the way I feel. What do I do from here?

Why have you been together for 12 years but only married 2?
Why didn’t you want to get married previously? What was your reason for getting married now?

I worry that if I ask for a separation
Why would you ask for a separation? Do you think it will fix everything?

but I can't pretend that it is all ok.
You should not pretend it’s all okay.

What do I do from here?
Read the links below and read, “Surviving An Affair” by Dr Willard Harley.

We met when we were 18. He says he wanted to be settled in his career before he got married. If you are putting yourself through school that takes a while. So, we got married eventually on our 10 year anniversary. We were living together for 2 years prior to getting married. I did not have a problem with waiting for the wedding. I have never pushed my H to do anything he was not fully committed emotionally to doing. I think that might be why I am so hurt by all this.

Why would I ask for a seperation? No I don't feel that it will fix everything. I just think I need something to get his attention that this is not an acceptable thing. Because I worry that the way he is acting, that if i do not do something drastic, it will continue. I had confronted him quite a few times in the last few months re: suspicious phone calls, and he looked me directly in the eyes and lied.

I also know myself. I have spent the last 12 years taking care of him and if I stay, then I will do the same things I always did. If nothing changes in the relationship than he will see that as an invitation to continue what he was doing, no?

You are in shock - it is best not to make any decisions right now. There are lots of free articles on coping at http://surviving-infidelity-kit.com/ Also there is a step-by-step article they have with pointers, too but I can find it right now. Just go through their list - I think it is by the same woman who wrote the ebook for the wayward spouse, but the article is for the betrayed spouse.

It goes something like this:

Make the decision to give it some time.
Understand about the fog, and try not to take it too personally at first.
Watch whom you talk to about the affair.
Consider yourself in mourning and do not make any decisions unless you absolutely must.
If you need to protect yourself finacncially, get a lawyer but be firm in letting the lawyer know that you are not seeking a divorce - just protection.
Make a log of suspicions, etc. - not for reference - but just to let your mind rest (it can be hard to sleep at first).
Understand that it was wrong and inexcusable - not your fault, you couldn't have prevented it, etc.

Also, the ebook at aftertheaffair.net has helped a lot of couples when the WS doesn't take responsibility for the affair. It sure helped us.

You're going to be okay although I know it doesn't feel like it right now. Hang in there. If your gut says not to seperate - don't even be tempted to threaten it.

I would get the promise of no contact in writing. He's going to have to SHOW you that you can trust him by his actions. If he's really serious, maybe the two of you can sit down and write it together and have you send it to her. That way you can be sure she gets it. You can't make him do anything only make a request. If he doesn't want to do this, that will be your answer.

he called her from his cell phone all the time. he has a problem memorizing number so his solution was to destroy the memory card on his phone so I would know he does not have her number anymore. The problem was I had the logs of his phone that showed how many times he called her number, the number is listed on those logs. The day after he destroyed the card f(yesterday), I suspect that he snuck back home and took one of the pages of the log.

I know I shouldn't be soo suspicious but I know he has not told me the full truth yet. He is still insisting it was just calls, but I know it was more than that. How can I get over the lies if he is still lying? I also intercepted a message to him from her, with her crying and saying "She could understand if it was over but he should have the decency to call her and tell her". If it was just calls, when would he have to end it?

I did request that he call her with me there and tell her that it was over, but he refused. He claimed it was easier to just not call her anymore. I do not feel in my gut that he is planning on stopping.

The other part that should help you all understand, is that right now he is at a policy training academy that he has to live at for the next 3 months. So I have no way of proving he did not just borrow someone's phone to call her. No way of knowing he is sticking with the NC rule.

I did request that he call her with me there and tell her that it was over, but he refused.

He has no intention of stopping. Expect lies. That's what WSs do when caught. It's like an addiction. Tell him respectfully what you know, how you know it and how it makes you feel. Is there a trainer or manager at the academy you can inform regarding your H's behaviour? He will be angry with this and may have to suffer the consequences of his behaviour through the academy. What credibility does an officer have who lies and cheats? His superiors would want to know this kind of information.

That is funny that you brought that up. Before he got in the academy they do a full background check where they call all your friends and family and ask how your marriage is and if there is infidelity. I had to be interviewed personally and infidelity questions were on his lie detector test. He started this affair, around the same time that all this background investigation was going on. '

There is an instructor at the academy that I could call. But I do not want to ruin his career and I think that that would just push him away more. He is a very private person and does not like when anyone knows of his actions. Especially when he is wrong.

Thank you for reaffirming my belief that he does not plan on stopping. So if he does not plan on stopping, I am back to my original post, should I ask for a seperation? Because I cannot stay sane if he will not stop. I have not slept more than 2 hours a night, I have not eaten in 4 days, and this morning I woke up at 4:00 am in the morning with dry heaves from a nightmare I had about them.

I know I should not make any major life decisions at this time but I feel that if I do not do something, my health is at risk.

I spoke to my ws last night about the voicemail from the ow. he still denies anything and says he has no idea why she would be crying because he did not call her. He insists he wants to work things out and wants me to get a family share plan so I will feel like I can monitor his calls more easily. Can I believe him when he is still not willing to make the nc letter or call to her.

I want to work things out but I still feel so angry right now. I can not bring myself to wear my wedding ring (I took it off in the initial anger phase of d day). I have actually developed a rash on my ring finger now. I have lost 7 lbs since saturday. I have tried eating but I just gag before I can even swallow anything. The dry heaves just keep happening every night, further keeping me from sleeping.

I have never had this kind of physical reaction to stress. I have always viewed bad things as a part of life and happening for a reason. Then again I have always had my ws to support me through all the other bad times. Now it is just me dealing with this. I have no more vacation days from work (I used them all to set up our new "home"), and work over hour away so I cannot find the time to make an appt. with a counselor at this point.

I feel like I am drowning more and more every day. Any advice would be appreciated.

If your H is a law enforcement officer and has been hired by a department already, the department I'm sure has licensed therapist available to officers and their families to deal with infidelity, on-the-job stressors, death, etc... These therapists are available free of charge as a benefit provided by the department and the counseling is completely confidential. Nothing goes in his file and nothing said to the therapist can be revealed to the department without H's consent. Information about this counseling is probably in the employee hand book or general guidelines.

About the phone, some people in an affair have a separate cell phone that the betrayed spouse knows nothing about. Some WS get a second phone on the OW's account and just pay her when the bill comes in so there is no evidence for the BS to find. Maybe if your H has or gets another cell phone it will be locked in his car or patrol car. Some oficers get a department issued cell phone and use that.

Good luck! -SNS