My husband and I had an argument on Halloween. At the end of the day, he told me that we had grown apart and that we should go separate ways. When I inquired further, he revealed that he had an affair with a stripper he met during one of his trips to Las Vegas. This has been going on for 2 years, and she moved to Santa Monica to attend the Fashion and Design school in Los Angeles.

We have been married for 16 years and have 2 children, ages 4 and 8. I have been a stay at home mom for the last 14 years, since he makes a nice living. He ended the affair the next morning by telephone, and we are currently seeing a marriage counselor.

I found out during these early therapy sessions that he had thought that I no longer loved him. I though of him the same way, but I didnot break the vows and committed adultery. For 2 years I occasionally asked him whether he was being faithful, he each time lied through his teeth.

The thought of being alone at 40 and possible have to go back to work scares me. It is said that the financial level for a woman after the divorce drops by 70%. He is currently at the heigh of his career and are about to make some nice money. And of course, the children love him so much.

I am wondering if I swallow my pride and stay for the wrong reason. I still have feelings for him, and the children don't want to be separated from him. But had I have a lot more money, I would file for divorce next week.

Dear Hurt1234,

Welcome to MB my dear.

It seems this time of the year brings out the truth. I found out myself about my H's going to prostitutes around this time last year. A month later, I found he also had an A with my best friend. Like in your case, all of this had been going on for the last two years. He also thought I didn't love him anymore, didn't want to have sex with him anymore... And he never told me this. In fact I once asked him if it wasn't a problem for him that we didn't have a lot of SF (I had had two miscarriages) and he said everything was fine and not to worry...

All that happened a year ago so I can offer you the benefit of hindsight. When I was were you are now, I didn't know anything for sure anymore. If my H and I would have been engaged, for example, still living apart, I don't know if I would have made the effort of seeing him again. Luckily, as we were living together, I was "forced" to process this terrible thing with him.

Like your H, my H ended the A immediately. But still it took me many months to really start feeling better, and now at the 1 year mark, I'm confident things will work out. There's still work to do and things to digest but we'll get there.

You will go through a very, very rough period. All sorts of thoughts will race through your head, keeping you awake at night, distracting you. It's a rough process. We have all experienced it. But going straight for a divorce will NOT make the process any easier. Your H seems to be committed to the marriage - that's a good thing. You'll need to work together on this - it's called recovery.

You will be angry. You will be deeply sad. You will think you're paranoid at times. But you will also get the opportunity to grow closer to your H than you ever have if you handle this ordeal well.

Handling it well means remaining respectful towards each other. If you tell your H: "I'm so scared. I keep thinking you'll do it again, that I can never be certain you'll not do it again. I want these feelings to stop. Please help me." - that's respectful. If you scream at him, telling him he's a no-good %µ@!!.. well, he'll understand it if you do this a few times perhaps, but you can't keep that up because it won't solve anything.

You'll find the items here on MB useful to your recovery. Please read up on what Dr. Harley has to say, read it again and again, some things didn't sink in with me right away.

Please keep posting here my dear. You can use this place to vent and get some input before you talk with your H about things. And you'll have to do A LOT of talking with him to get through this.

<small>[ November 10, 2004, 03:28 AM: Message edited by: brownhair ]</small>

Dear Brownhair,

Thanks so much for your sharing your opinions and your kind thoughts. I am still deeply hurt, and all I can think of is anger, betrayal, and revenge. But I also know that there might still a bit of hope of working this marriage out, for the sake of my children. I agree with your advice about being respectful to the husband. After all, he doesn't have to put up with my harsh comments about the affair forever. I am the kind of person who usually doesn't forget bad things that happened to me, and I will need to work through my feelings if I want to stay in this union. I regret having stay home for the last 14 years and not trying to be more independent from the husband.

Welcome to MB.

Please do not regret your decision to be a stay at home mom.It is the most important job.

Like you I have feelings and fears of being on my own.
My H and I are seperated right now but still see each other every other week to try and work things out.

Like you the anger,the thought of what he did and the thoughts of revenge play in my head daily.And it has been almost 2yrs since I found out of his A.

The part that sounds so familiar is them saying "I did not think you loved me" I heard the same thing.My opion is this is an excuse so they dont feel so guilty.

Do you love your H??
Remember even if you do not live in the same house he can still be a big part of your kids life.
I think at this point you need to think what is going to make YOU the happiest.We as mothers are willing to sacrifice for our kids,but if you are so unhappy and angry all the time what kind of a mother will you really be??
Think about it.I know how hard it is.My kids are older and a divorce would still effect them deeply.It would change our whole family.
I think of these things daily.

Is there enough love left to try again??
Can you forgive??

These are things I ask myself all the time.
I still do not have all the answers but it is nice to know others are going thru this and I am not alone.

Please do not be hard on yourself over this.You did nothing wrong.

Dear Hurt,

Bless you and I'll pray you have some peace whatever you decide. I will tell you that I discovered my wife's affair in June after over 20 years of marriage. She, too, broke it off immediately and entered into cooperative discussions to resolve our issues.

Her response to the discovery was very helpful because it didn't create the troubles of a lingering 'other person' like some people must unfortunately endure. It sounds like you are fortunate in this regard also.

Since your H is working with you, I can just tell you that this buys you time. There is no need to rush out of the marriage even though you say you'd divorce him right away if you had your career in place. The time you have can be used to examine those economic options, and believe me, you do have options. More importantly though, the time you have will allow you to examine your marriage.

I had the same feelings you do. I was angry. I wanted a divorce, NOW. Instead, I took a deep breath, examined all the options, met with attorneys, looked at the financial implications, and just listened.

What I learned is that the affair was just that, an event, a happening. I give no more value to it than it deserves. I learned that we have a life and that I was a component in the evolution of this 'event'. It wasn't the result that mattered, it was the cause.

We have concentrate on the cause. We love each other. It sounds like the two of you do also. Time eases the pain, but it gives you a chance to weigh things. Go easy and God bless.
RW

I'm not an authority on anything...least of all myself.

I do know this. I would not want my wife to stay with me if it was for any other reason than she loves me.

I told her this. I have made very few demands of my wife, including she quiting work (where she can see OM), but this was my on deal breaker with her.
I didn't want her to stay with me because of our children, beacuse of money, because of any other reason than she loved me or she loves me.

While it is too soon to tell in my case how things will work out.

I think marriage should be built on and around love. Not any other factors. I went as far as to tell my wife, if it was money, I would support her until she could get a better job, goto school, whatever it took.
But, my only deal breaker with her staying in our relationship was ONLY that she do it for love!

my 2c ents