I think I posted on the wrong board before and this might be the right one.
I am a 32 years old female married to a 58 years old male for now almost ten years. I was pregnant when I met him and we did not marry until my son was 18 months old. We started dating when my son was 3 weeks. I was scared and alone at the time and without any family support or help. My son's biological father who was emotionally and physically abusive left the scene when I was 6 weeks pregnant. My husband was 48 years old when we met and two years dry from being an alcoholic and he had just spent one year in his house from a cycling accident-he was very lonely and scared of growing old.
My son is now 10years old and I have two daughters with my husband ages 7yrs and 6yrs.
For as long as I can remember my husband and I have had problems with communication and intimacy. Sexually things were the pits. Same old positions and I am always the one on top and initiating it. He will not perform oral ever. My needs were not met. Financially things have been tight and he spends many hours at work and any days off he is gone 6 hours a day sometimes on the bike. He keeps talking about buying a new bike even though he has three. He has a dresserful of bike jerseys and pants. Our conversations are really boring. I am a homeschool mom and I stay home full time with the kids. My oldest also has special needs. He only talks about bikes, airplanes, cars etc. And he is often very very tired after work. So he comes home and goes right to sleep.
Several times there have been moments when I came close to being close to another man. But it only came recently. It happened to be a single father of two teenage boys who hang out with my kids and they live in our condo complex. He works at home and so he is often very very available to just talk. He did have a girlfriend but they broke up. We were "friends" until the last few weeks. We have been "together" a few times and I have been torn up about the whole thing. We clicked on many levels but we are way too passionate and get into way too many arguments. We have both decided to end things because it just wasn't healthy for ourselves and our families as they have all been intertwined and that he was getting back together with his girlfriend. After a day of playing with each other, in the evening our families including my husband would get together and watch movies and have dinner together. Or even worse my husband would walk me over to his house in the evening so I can stay there with the kids so he could sleep without us making any noise and bothering him. At times my husband has even asked him to come over and keep me company while he ran errands with my kids when I had surgery recently.
I have been honest to my husband in terms of how unhappy I have been in the marriage and how I need to have sex with him and that I need him home. But nothing changes. I even told him recently that I need him home more and more available because I am being tempted. In fact one time I told him that if he can;t meet my needs I will try and get it elsewhere. His response was "Sorry I can't do anything about it. I am too tired. We need the overtime. Wait until I retire. Or I need to exercise or else I will die early. " I have spent way too many nights starring at the ceiling and listening to him turned over and snoring. It is a very lonely existence.
I have been on the marriage builders site a year ago or so and printed out the forms to fill out but my husband just wasnt really into it and kept putting it all down. Sort of like what is the point of this. How silly kind of thing.
So what do I do now. I am making moves to cut all ties with this single father however painful it will be for the kids as they were their best friends. We had a deal going. I was doing their laundry as they didn't have a laundry machine and he would send one of his sons down in the morning to walk the dogs. I am stopping that now.
When should I tell my husband? I was planning to tell him as soon as one of us moves out of the complex. It is literally hard to avoid each other because he has to pass by my house in order to get groceries etc. Also my husband carried a gun as part of his career. I am concerned for everyone's safety. I want to move as soon as possible but it is not possible right now. I don;t know when they will be moving but I am hoping soon. I know that seeing at all-will just add to the pain and loss of what kind of relationship I could have.
Please I need advice and help.

Dear LM,

welcome to MB.

It seems like you have a lot on your plate. You probably read up on everything on the MB site, so you must have realised that your problem is that your H is not meeting your EN's. Just a question: are you meeting his?

You have realised having an A is a poor solution to your situation and I'm glad you're taking all the necessary steps to remove yourself from the OM. The best thing to do would be to be honest with your H. I can understand you're scared he might do something like go over there and shoot OM, especially since he's nearby and since your H has a gun. How realistic are the changes that OM will move away?

Your H might think that being a good provider is the best thing he can do for you. It might have been the foundation of your M for a few years. It must be hard for him to realise that that just isn't enough for you, especially since he doesn't know how to do anything else for you.

You really need to talk with your H about all this. I'm sure there are ways to spend more time together. Your children aren't toddlers anymore - why not all go biking together? Or walking? Healthwise, a good walk is advised by most physicians.

Try to take babysteps here. There are a lot of issues and I get from your post your H isn't exactly in a good place with himself, being tired from too much work, not coping very well with three children in the house, and thinking he's no match for you as far as SF is concerned.

Could you not start a job, part-time perhaps, yourself now that all your children are at school during the day? That might take some of the pressure off your H and give you more satisfaction in life.

Please keep posting here my dear.

I am not sure if I am meeting his needs. He says he doesn't have any but to be able to ride his bike. He considers himself rather low maintenance. Years ago I caught him watching a lot of porn. I was near leaving him then.
I am sure he would like the house a little more cleaner but I told him upfront before I married him that I sucked on housecleaning and that I will do my best. We do have a housekeeper that comes once every two weeks.
Our house is a perpetual mess because I homeschool the children. The children are not in school. I teach them here at home in the mornings and in the afternoons I drive/chauffeur them to their classes and activities. In the evenings, it is dinner and bedtime. Weekends-more of the same. My son has speech therapy and other special need services I get him to. Plus the kids are in gymnastics, dance, art blah blah blah.
Yes since my husband is retiring on Dec 3 we will be needing supplemental income. I plan to enroll in a Medical transcribing program and train to be a medical transcriber. I will work at home at nights. So I am looking forward to that but I will still be homeschooling the children during the day.
My husband is really hands off with the kids. I decide most of everything to him. I don't even know if he knows who the kids pediatrician is or even know their birthdays or where they were born. When I had surgery in September I had to type out everything -how to work the microwave, answering machine, how to pay the bills online while i was out of commission and in case I died. I pay the bills in the house, I deal with the cars, I deal with the pets, I deal with the doctors appts, I deal with the education, laundry, food-my son is on a special diet. I am exhausted. He never initiates any family activities. I go out and find activities to do and we go and do it as a family. I don;t think he has ever cleaned the bathrooms.
At nights when the kids are too noisy and he is asleep, he comes out screaming, yelling and kicking. It is always the same thing. I am sleep deprived and my feet hurt. Ever since I could remember we never could go out late because he was tired and we never could go walking because his feet hurt-he had club feet as a child. We don't go on family bike rides because he rides up Mount Diablo...which is no family jaunt. He doesn't want us riding bikes with him because of his fear of us getting injured or hit by a car.
At this point there is nothing I like to do with him. I am not even sure why we got together in the first place other than the fact I was desparate for a father for my son and I was tired of being going to bed hungry and living in an old converted garage.
Religious wise-we don;t even match up anymore. I believe it or not came to the Lord a few years ago and he wants nothing to do with it. We stopped going to Church because he works on Sundays and he didn't want to participate in anything. He would love to sit and vegetate in front of the tv from 6am to midnight everyday and I fought for years to get rid of the TV. The tv has been gone for 4 years and the kids are now all reading. But he just bought rabbit ears to get some channels and talking about buying another $6000 bike. My kids and I wear hamidowns and he goes and buys more bike equipment but hey I am a sucker for books.
He is just a housemate not even a roommate.
When should I tell him about the affair? How much do I tell him? I have to admit the affair -was rather aggressive meaning the other man was rather aggressive dominating. He took control and decided everything. I can't even say it was per se enjoyable more like painful even when I tried to squirm away and yelled stop. Borderline rape in a strange way. Nothing was gentle let's just say. He was master and I had to call him that. I was the slave. He kept screaming "Who's #ussy is this? Say it." If I didn't answer he would pull my hair and yank me down. I just responded to him. It was wierd. Almost hypnotic but I kept coming back for more. All I remember his eyes staring straight into mine and I was hooked. Twice he came into the house under the pretense to walk the dogs and grabbed my nipple really hard while I was sleeping and proceeded to shove things in my face. I didn't want to scream for fear of waking the kids. Part of me liked it but part of me was revolted.
Yes I was raped and molested as a child but would this have anything to do with it. I have had plenty of IC over this so this shouldn't be surfacing now. Although it would be nice if husband was a little more aggressive and enthusiastic in bed with me.

I am scared.

How realistic are the changes that OM will move away?

supposedly OM said that he will be moving in Dec. His other house has been sold so he can move in Dec. I don;t know where the other house is and don't want to know.

I have told him that I was going to tell H after he moved and OM got infuriated with me telling me that I am selfish etc etc and that I am endangering everyone involved including his family. He said that I am doing it for selfish reasons to appease my own guilt. Then OM said how would I feel if H killed himself over it. I just dont know what to do. H told me that I could never leave...he would never allow it. He would hunt me down. So I know H won't leave me. But I worry about him in other ways. No I don;t think H would kill OM.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by laundry mistress:
<strong>H told me that I could never leave...he would never allow it. He would hunt me down. So I know H won't leave me.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How serious is your H about this? It sounds rather possessive.

He's not possessive but just scared of being alone I guess. I don't know.

Sometimes I just can't believe how I have put myself in this situation. I am not liking myself whatsoever. I feel like a horrible wife and mother and person. All the lies and deception. I have become the one thing I have always detested my entire life: my father. My father committed bigamy for 4 years before my mom found out. When she found out the 2nd wife was already pregnant. My mom tried to kill herself and had to be hospitalized. My mom and dad were married for over 21 years when she found out. He avoided prosecution because the other wife lived in Asia and he would travel back and forth.

I am just so miserable now and how I have become the worst thing. I also have a kidney disease that would eventually lead to transplant. It has crossed my mind that I should end my life as to not cost the family anymore.

Since I am not getting a whole lot of feedback I am just going to use this as a sounding board. We went to a 4-H meeting as a family and tried to act like your normal family. My husband started to talk to me but I ended falling asleep in the car. I think it was about finances or something like that or maybe about work-someone getting fired who knows.
Meanwhile I am trying to sort through my mind what to do. On the way to 4-H meeting I saw OM riding his bike back from the grocery store. It was somewhat painful to see him and I noticed he did look back at the van. It does truly seem like an addiction and I hate that. I hate missing anyone like this other than my own family.
I have not received an email from him today which is good. I still have his laundry here but debating when to give it back to him without having to make his sons come and retrieve it (he shouldn't make them do his dirty work). I don;t want to see him but just want to drop it off. I miss his sons terribly and so do my kids.
Believe it or not my husband dubbed me the name "the laundry mistress" when this all started. I wonder if this was OMs plan originally to somehow pry about me through his sons who would often spend the night. Some things he said to me make me think he had this all planned and how he could find alone time with me. But then I also feel like he used me as way to get his girlfriend jealous and back with her again. Who knows. I don't care. I just wished I never met him and became involved in this mess.

Dear LM,

I just wondered because saying "I'll hunt you down" isn't exactly a loving thing to say.

You do have a lot do work on. You cannot change the past, so please don't let the past drag you down. Use your feelings of guilt to make sure you never make this mistake again - having an A complicates things instead of solving them, as you have found out.

Forget about OM. Ignore him. Let his sons pick up the laundry so it's out of your way. If he'll move soon you might wait for that to tell your H about the A.

But.. there is a lot to work on. You need support, for your emotional and fysical problems, and so does your H. Is there someone you can talk to? A pastor, a counselor? Someone to help you two through this?

The problem I see with your H is that he seems to be a problem avoider. So it will be difficult to really talk to him, constructively, and it might be good to have outside, neutral help.

This morning I went to return his laundry.
I didn;t think he was home but he was. I just dropped the laundry off on his front patio and he must have heard. He came out and I still had one more basket to give him. He called my name and said some to the effect of "can we talk?" I screamed "no". Got into my van and dumped the last basket onto the sidewalk so he had to walk towards the van to get it. I pulled out of the parking place and nearly hit someone and they started honking and then I peeled away towards my house which is around the corner unfortunately as he continued walking towards the sidewalk to retrieve the basket. I never looked back since. My husband happened to just be walking the dog and saw me peeling onto my street and said "I'd give you a ticket for driving that fast." I am so messed up. My husband asked "what is wrong?" and I just said "oh I have a headache". Oh yet another lie.
We need to move fast.
I can't do this.
Everytime the phone rings I worry it is him. I worry about him emailing me. Because I know I would be sucked back into it.
It is so hard. He has been my main help for childcare etc. He has been my friend too in some way. No I have even less help than I did before.

I told my family that the reason why we couldn't see him or his sons anymore because he is back with his girlfriend and his girlfriend has demanded that he spend time only with her (partially true) and not to talk to other women. They needed to work on their relationship and they don't need any distractions. My husband's answer was "Wow . that sure is demanding." The kids' answer "I hate her. She is selfish."
What a mess.
And then what happens if I bump into his sons? I had wrote him an email that if I bump into his sons I will treat them like I always do. I treated them like my own kids at times. My kids always runs up to them and hugs and kisses them.

On the other board (EN) you stated you just recently had a new baby. How many kids do you have?

no I just didn't just have a baby...but I nursed her for a LONG time. She was my last one so I was in no rush. Besides I liked the bigger breast...now that she is weaned. I have nothing. I have just three kids-ages 10, 7 and 6yrs and I weaned her about a year ago.