Hello,

I am the jilted husband whose wife came forth on 10-2-04 with an affir that had been going on for the past 10 months of a 25 year marriage. Fortunately I found this web site and the methods proposed in the many articles are helping me and wife to resolve many past issues. During a repair session on 11-8-04 she admitted to 4 more affairs during the past three years. Everyone reading this knows how I feel. That's the bad news. I found a side of me that I never knew existed. The good news is that our outlook is upbeat and maybe we have a chance to build a marriage that is better then ever. It was hard for her to admit the past to me and she could have potentialy hid those past 4 affairs. She can't believe that I could even entertain forgiving her as it is not my nature to forgive such action and I am scard that those past events will eat me up in time. I don't want that and I don't want to blow the repairs that seem to be in the works. I want to know that whatever caused this bomb to explode will be put to bed forever. I need help to make sure. We both recognize the need for third party help. We just don't know who to go too. Who is qualified enough to help us? Saving our marriage is the number one priority and we both (she helped me write this post) would like to see someone who builds on the concepts outlined by this website. We are hoping to get a short list of professional in the Detoit area. I will post my story latter as it is compelling reading of my wife's second secrete life and the events leading to the start, discovery and admission and hopfully our recovery. This could be a huge sucess story if we properly handle it. It hurts to even write the words. But for now I need recommendations for help.

Thanks and my heart goes out to everyone in this form,
Mr. Goodstuff

PS: I understand that Harley takes phone calls?

<small>[ November 15, 2004, 02:47 PM: Message edited by: Mr. Goodstuff ]</small>

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances.

Hopefully your wife will post here also. This program works.

The Harley's do take phone calls, and are experts at this. It is rather expensive, but many times they cut to the chase and can help you change things quickly.

Yes, the Harleys (Willards kids, Jennifer and Steve) do this by phone. You can contact Steve through:MB Scheduling link

I also suggest reading two books, out loud, together, and doing ALL the included exercises, in this order:

"Surviving an Affair", by Willard Harley
"Torn Asunder" by Carder

<small>[ November 12, 2004, 12:05 AM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

Thanks for the leads. We're not sure where we will go right now but I'm sure we will do something sooner or latter. Everything seems so positive right now that third party help seems redundant, but my biggest concern is to make sure that we are not in for a letdown once the euphoria of rediscovering ourselves fades a bit. As I am new to this website I was wondering what the acronyms mean?

Big setback 10 minutes ago. I probed a little deeper and found out that the last 11 years of my marriage a lie and not just the last four years like I thought. My wife has now admitted that she fell in love 11 years ago with a man at work. The affair lasted 18 months. He asked her to leave me and she stayed with me. I never knew about this affair until now. Some period after the end of the affair she found the internet where she begin a long series of new affairs, 18 in total over a period of the last 7 years. As I type this she is looking over my shoulder. Each day seems to reveal more and more. I am not sure that I am up to the task of saving this marriage. Her secret life is surley an addiction that I wonder if she can ever leave behind. I am not asking anyone here if I should save the marriage or let it go because I feel that without professional help we are surely over. This is just too big an issue to handle by ourselves. She says she wants to give up this destructive secret life and has but I wonder if she means it deep down inside. Seven years of behavior is not easily let go. We need to call Steve now I think. I know one thing and that is I want the woman that lived with me all these years back. How will I ever make this happen? I have little confidence that she will remain true for long. I am sorry for rambling on but the words just won't stop. She says she wants help, but I'm not sure that she can stay the course as the sailing will be through rough waters.

Now her turn,
I thought I fell in love with another man when I was 38. This was the first time I experienced an affair. It lasted 18 months. He insisted to know my plans with my husband. I made the choice to stay. My depression caused me to lose 15 pounds in the first two weeks and it lasted almost 6 months and then it ended. I had no regrets staying with my husband after the depression wore-off. I loved my husband and life went on but there were problems under the surface. Then I quit my job of 25 years. I was an executive VP with power and control that was taken away when a new president was hired. I didn't get the job and had to go. I didn't know if I was entirely happy with my husband and I felt usless and very alone. I was lonely. Shortly after, I found the internet and soon discovered relationships everywhere both sexual and friendships. The internet affairs brought me comfort. I had the best of both worlds, a husband at home and a second life on the side. I was back in control. I found I could adopt people in need and help them and they inturn could make me feel alive. I felt sexy and needed. My relationships started out with men out of state. They would come to visit, have lunch and most of the time sex but not all the time. I don't know why I couldn't come to my husband and tell him how I felt about the very first affair. I was afraid of losing him and I was afraid of him but now I know if I would have come to him the last seven years of affairs would have never happened. The internet was my comfort zone and another way of life for me. Now he knows everything. I know that I was not truthful in the last three major conversations about my life. I felt that I had told him enough when I first told him of my most recent affair. I told him that I am willing to seek professional help, but what is driving me away from him, he just won't stop searching through my past. He needs to let go of the past and we need to start to move forward with repairs. I feel that he is making it easy for me to leave because for each day we take a step forward the next day is a step back. Since I first told him about my history we have had wonderful days. I know and expect from reading letters on this website and from my first affair that I will go through some depression and it will be hard to give up the circle of friends that I have met. I have to wonder if it would be easier to live on my own then to deal with this emotional pain eveyday. He promised me that he would stop looking into my past but he just keeps digging so how can I trust him to help me. I want professional help because I love Mr. Goodstuff. He is everything to me. I am so hurt that I hurt him this bad and I don't know if our life can ever get back to normal. He says that he loves me and that he will stand by me to get back on track but I don't know if I destroyed the love between us. It will kill me and him if we seperate. I want to make a new life with him. I want my best friend back and I can't tell him how sorry I am that I have created so much pain for him and potentially for our family. I love him so much and I have all along. I just got lost along the way.

Mr and Mrs. GS,

I hardly know where to start but the first thing to say is find a PRO-MARRIAGE counselor. There are many that follow the approach that the Harleys take. There is also the phone counseling that seems to be very very effective. It is not cheap but it is cheaper than a divorce.

I think I will start with Mrs GS if you don't mind. You need to step back and realize that your H is digging in your past and WILL CONTINUE to dig in your past for a reason, and that reason IS NOT THAT he wants to hurt you. Nor does he need any more ammunition with which to justify divorcing you.

He is looking for his life Mrs GS. When you told him that a 7 years of his life were a lie, he lost his life. I realize you don't appreciate this but he was and is far more dependent on you than you realize and clearly he loves you far more than you realized. You were his emotional support in ways you did not and he probably did NOT realize, and one of the legs of emotional support just got amputated. I mean this in the most graphic sense.

He is now with out this support, his is destabilized and all of his choices don't seem very attractive. It will take awhile before he finds out what was real and what was not real, and he will ask many many questions most of them repeatedly. This is very very normal.

The difference between his emotional leg and a real one is that it can be grown back and you can help alot. First you can start by being very very honest with him. If there is more to tell, tell him NOW. If you do love him, tell him. If you are sorry tell him. IF you are not sorry tell him. Honesty, here it is call "radical honesty", is one of the bedrock polices to rebuilding the marriage. The other is the Policy of JOint Agreement, POJA. It is a negotiating tool to achieve win-win situations in the marriage, and Harley claims and it makes sense to me one should POJA just about everything INCLUDING a divorce.

You two are on a roller coaster of emotions and it will go up and down many times in the next year or two as you recover your marriage and... it can be recovered and rebuilt. It is really a very simple thing, but it is NOT easy. I would strongly urge you two to read the 4 rules for a good marriage very simple but again not easy.

Next I would like to recommend that you both read about the concept of NEEDS and what Harley calls Love Busters, I don't like the term but I could not think of a better one. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Pay particular attention to the love buster, LB, call the Disrespectful Judgement, DJ. It is probably the most deadly and it is one that is quite common in your particular situation. Both of you are working on assumptions, a DJ, that were flawed.

Mrs GS, one of your was that your H did not love you or could NOT handle your affairs. He clearly does and he is clearly struggling to indeed come to grips with them rather than the knee jerk reaction of leaving. You failed to be honest with him based on a DJ and it hurt your marriage deeply. Mr. GS will also make more than a few DJ's and you both need to be on guard for them at this critical juncture.

Now permit me to offer you both a bit of a time table so that you can get a perspective on this. It is likely that Mr. GS is going to go through some very very deep troughs with regard to what seem to him "lost 7 years". He will question himself far more than you Mrs. GS. He will and probably already has lost his self-esteem and sense of worth. After a few months things will start to get better. Around 6 months you, MRs. GS, will very likely see a lot of anger, gradually from that time out you, Mrs GS, will see him oscillate with the oscillations becoming less and less. At one year you will be on your way to recovery. Harley claims it takes about two years to really recover. Mrs. GS he will not forget what you have done to him and your marriage, but the pain will fade and only a scar will be left.

Mr. GS your W will go through the oscillations of wanting to work on it, and then giving up on it. She will want you to "get over it" because she is "not having an affair now and clearly she dedicated to you and the recovery." That of course won't fly because she is fully aware of what has been the truth for 7 years and she knows all of the stories and whether or not she just had sex, what kind of sex, and whether there was love involved. You don't know much of this and you cannot read her mind, so you are left to your imagination which will drive you nuts from time to time. But, gradually you will piece the story together, and you and she will gradually come to understand many things. If she truely loves you she will give you the time it will take to heal. If you truely love her you will do your best to NOT throw this in her face yet still having to address many issues.

If you both want to really try to rebuild, you need to look at each other and OPEN UP like you never have...not as adversaries but as partners on the same side. Mrs. GS you need to know of his pain, his doubts about himself, you, the future, so that you can help him. Mr. GS you need to know of her pain, her fears, the good things she had with OM as well as the bad, so that you can help her.

Ultimately the hard part will be MRs. GS overcoming her guilt and Mr. GS overcoming the pain of this and the damage it has done to him emotionally. Expect many revelations and many ups and downs on the roller coaster.

I strongly urge you two to read the articles here. The read some of the books that people here have recommended. I suspect counseling is a must because you will need a third party to help with this.

Mrs GS one of the hardest things you will have to face is "defensiveness". You are used to power and control and you are probably used to "damage control". The problem with A's (affairs) is that they are not really ameanable to damage control, IF you want to truely heal and rebuild the marriage. So you both will need to lay down your shields and weapons. Neither of you needs to prove you can hurt the other, that is a given in this mess. What you two need to prove is that you can love each other through all of this and that my friends is something that is much more of a challenge.

I do hope you two both continue to post here and surely read here. You will be amazed at the commonality of many things although each situation is somewhat unique. It is why this approach works, it is based on the commonality but it is best used when taylored to each situation. We can sort of help here, but clearly the Harleys' are the pro's at this.

I will stop here. There is so much to say, but before much more is said some feedback from you two is warrented.

Hang in there you really can get through this and both of you will be proud of the accomplishment. An affair and surely mulitple affairs is one of the worst betrayals a spouse can visit on the other so affairs do not make marriages better. However, the effort to overcome such betrayals often leads to marriages that are actually better than before. It is not the A, but the effort after the A that does it. There is hope.

God Bless,

JL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I told him that I am willing to seek professional help, but what is driving me away from him, he just won't stop searching through my past. He needs to let go of the past and we need to start to move forward with repairs. I feel that he is making it easy for me to leave because for each day we take a step forward the next day is a step back.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mrs G you can't hurry up your H's recovery, unlike you he is trying to assimilate 7 lost years of his life. For you, your affairs are ancient history but for your H they are today's news. Your beleif that your H should 'get over it' is typical of many WS [wayward spouses] but it is totally unrealistic. If you truly are serious about rebuilding your marriage, you will have to accept the fact that your H [and the marriage's] recovery is a one day at a time process that cannot be rushed by either you OR your H. One thing that both of you can start doing right now is to be patient and understanding with one another and to tell yourselves constantly "We Will Make It" until you truly beleive it.

Just Learning,
We are both here but this is Mr.GS answering,
We were just ready to go to bed, a little bit miserable, when we decided to check the posting. And there you were, our first reply. As we sat and I (Mr.GS) started to read the post outload I couldn't get through the first two sentences, I fell apart and then she fell apart, mostly I think because she felt so bad for me. It was on the mark and so comforting to finally get a third party spin. Mrs.GS has already sent Harley an email for a small chat. Thank you so much for the genuine feedback as it has affected each of us profoundly. Your right, I do love my wife but I understand that my hands are not clean in this mess. She might have been a VP at work, but at home I was an unyielding powerbroker who is the champion and king of disrespectful judgements. For instance I convinced her that I should have sex from her(not with her) when it suited me, and there were many others. I took the DJ test and 5-6 was my most common answer...NO we cannot pin this soley on her. I know her actions will be viewed as the worst around but this is not a one way street as I am sure it seldom is. I hope that I am a changed man as even during the last few years I had recognized many of my short comings and was making progress towards becoming a human being. It was way too late, but it is not too late now and I hope that Mrs.GS will "stay the course" as I try to reassure her that I will not wavier. I hope that Mrs.GS posts soon but I fear that your post has hit home in a big way and she is distant and quite after reading your words. I think she thought, as I thought, that our love was strong enough to patch things up in a month or two, so it is a bit dishearting to know that one to two years is a more likely timetable.
Thank you again,
Mr. and Mrs. GS

Dear Mr & Mrs G

I guess there is no way to say its good to see you here, but know at the least you have come to a site which can help you so much.

Mrs G I want you to know that like you I am a FWW - former wondering wife - who had an affair and told my H 4 months ago. Much of what you feel I have great resonance with and it brings back many sad memories. Perhaps though I can help you not fall into some traps I did because I would not really accept what I was told here by so many. I thought I knew better or did not want to face what I had done.

First, the ‘just get over it will you’ is a classic mistake that many of us make. WE know all about what we did and when and with who, but our H don’t and many want to. I was afraid pure and simple, of him being so disgusted and hurt he would tell me to go rot in hell or something and leave or kick me out.
I had treated my M anniversary and special occasions with contempt in his eyes and of course him as well.
OK like JL explained it, and he turned out to be 100% right, what he describes is what my H felt and feels. It means as hurtful, embarrassing, sickening as it will be, if you H asks for details you need to tell him. I have one suggestion though, GET a MC first and consider telling him at the MC sessions. I found I needed a ‘safe’ place to do this and I also had this idea that I was dirtying our home if I spoke about such details there, stupid you might think but it was how I felt.

There will be times when you will not want to hear anything about the affairs, ‘Can’t you stop talking about it and asking questions all the time?’ is a statement I made so many times, and to be truthful still feel like saying sometimes. Well the answer is NO they can’t stop. They NEED to know over & over & over the same thing. My IC/MC says its related to the trust issue, they want to see you told them the truth and so want to confirm your statements repeatedly. It will bug you to no end and you will want to tell him to go get stuffed, well I did a number of times I admit, but try not to. If you cannot speak about it when he asks tell him you can’t right now and set a time later to talk about it.

Another part of the initial period will be you wanting to say something like can’t you see I choose you above all the others? Well in the words of my H…’well big frigging deal. Do I get down on my knees and thankyou for it now or later’ OUCH that was not the response I was looking for but it was what he felt so don’t try it in that way. I think you may understand what I was trying to say but it came out all wrong. Again my IC/MC was helpful in telling me the appropriate time and discussion to say something like this.

Recovery time Mrs G will be at least 2 years probably more. Don’t be to upset at that because remember you will not be feeling like you are now nor will Mr G over this period. You will feel so much better about yourself, your H and your M as recovery goes on, its what keeps me going knowing this will happen eventually.

Starting all this there is one more thing you should know, Depression is a BIG danger and I resisted far to long in getting help. Just on 3 weeks ago I started on St Johns Wort as I didn’t want to take AD’s. I do suggest you get medical help if you start to feel this overwhelming feeling of hopelessness .

There will be a lot of anger & pain and hard words between you even trying to do all that you can not to say hurtful things. Don’t worry about failing every now & then , it happens. You just pick yourself up and start over. Dogged persistence is the key.

Mr G what can I say to you? I can only relate to my own H pain and what he went through.
One of the hardest things are the so called ‘movies’ he has in his head even now of myself & OM and I have no answer for that, Time & only time along with what I do and not say will lessen his pain & hurt.
I don’t have any magic answers for you but I only know that my H had to accept an awful lot of BS from me and many hurtful words and comments over the last 4 months . And he stuck. Are we recovered? NO
Right now I am in limbo while he is deployed and I’ll just have to wait & hope he wants to keep working on our M.
The only thing I can say Mr G is to stay and try even when it seems hopeless because I do believe you can safe your M.

<small>[ November 13, 2004, 03:43 AM: Message edited by: aussieswife ]</small>

This is Mrs. G replying. I want to thank you for the hope that you inspired in me. My thoughts are coming together and i will let you all know what is going on in my head. Be prepared for a lengthy response because there is so much to say. My husband and I are going away for the weekend and I hope to be ready to write my story on Monday. I feel so much comfort in the posts that we have recieved so far. I am going to make this marriage work no matter what. I am so ready to get rid of my lies.
Thanks again,
Mrs. G

Hi Mr.GS & Mrs.GS,

As you can see from my signature line, my W had multiple A's during our first three years of M... and I didn't find out about most of them until over 10 years after the fact.

JL and the others have given you great advice... Please consider it. Having lived through a similar situation (my W having multiple A's) I want to just reinforce some key points:

* Find a PRO-MARRIAGE MC and start going imediately.
* Mrs. GS, Find an Individual Counselor (IC) to help you as you search for WHY you felt the need to have A's... You were searching for some need in all of your A's and you MUST find out WHY..
* Recognize that neither of you can "fix" your M, but with committment and lots of hard work, you can build a better M...

JL was correct in the "two year" timeframe... It took my W and I a bit over two years to get to a point where we both felt that we were really on the road to rebuilding our M.

It is possible to rebuild your M... but don't try to do it alone (make finding a Pro-marriage MC your TOP priority)... Oh, lastly, get a copy of Torn Asunder by Dave Carder... This book, IMHO, helped me work through my feelings as a BH much better than the Harley books...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Mr. and Mrs. G -

Please enjoy your weekend together, and try to have some fun together and build some new good memories. I am very hopeful for your marriage since you are both posting here. That does not happen very often.
I urge Mrs. G to get some IC - her affairs probably have little to do with sex, but more about her childhood and regaining some control.
Take care of each other.

I actually agree with RIF that "Torn Asunder" was more helpful to me than "Survivng an Affair", as far as helping me deal with the affair. However, the books are different, and I thought both were helpful in different ways. Harley's stuff was better at helping us with the marriage change part, and Carder's stuff was more helpful with the affair recovery part. In particular, Harley's stuff was better at showing us how to have a better marriage, and giving us some tools that helped us toward that goal. It was also better at getting at the part of the "message of the affair" (a Carder phrase) that involved unmet emotional needs. However, unmet emotional needs were not the whole story, and Carder helped us understand most of the rest of the "message of the affair".

<small>[ November 14, 2004, 09:53 AM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

Mr. GS here.......
We just returned from a weekend trip, single Saturday night stay with good friends. We spent the entire time together but as you can imagine there was little time for private conversations. Every once in a while when the opportunity presented itself, Mrs. G would whisper in my ear that she loved me and I was safe, just what I need to hear. That night when we were alone in the bedroom Mrs. G sobbed uncontrollably, whispering things to me that filled my heart with hope that we were indeed meant for each other. To rediscover these feelings at 50 years old creates such emotions that I can hardly believe that I was ever in love. We had both forgotten those feelings so many years ago and to rediscover them at our age and with a lifetime of experience behind us makes them that much more powerful. So I would say that we have taken a step to create a new memory.

Right now I am on my way to the bookstore to purchase a copy of “Torn Asunder”. Thanks for the recommendation. Mrs. G asked to come with me so that she could have a bit of privacy to finish composing her post. I am interested to know what she might elect to share on a public form like this and I am hoping to learn more about her and our tragedy (or opportunity). I have learned things about myself that I never knew or admitted too and I feel they are making me a better person. I’ve always fancied myself as a person of high moral character, virtuous and honest but sometimes, especially since D-day, I wonder if I were those things only when it was convenient. JL said it well in an earlier post when he suggested that I never realized how dependant and how much I loved Mrs. G and that made me realize one other thing of paramount importance; “If we are going to make this work, it is an all or nothing arrangement”. There can be no contingency plans for failure. So, like they say in the World Series of Poker, “I’m All In!”

One last thing, I don’t know any of you that are responding and offering advice in these posts, but the commonality of all of us makes me say to all of you that you are my friends in a situation where there has been no one else to talk too.

Next up (hopefully) Mrs. G

Thanks,
Mr. G

Mr. and Mrs. GS,

Don't be discouraged by the time line for recovery. I know when I first heard it would take two years my thought was that I just could not survive two years of this kind of agony. Know that you will not feel this badly for the next two years. Counselling helped us enormously to speed things up. And time is a great friend. Painful episodes will decrease in length and frequency over the next two years. You'll be surprised and thankful that there will be days, even weeks when thoughts of the affairs never enter into mind. This all depends, of course, on you doing the recovery work.

The following letter helped my husband understand my need to "dig" into his past. It's from the dearpeggy.com website. Here it is.

http://www.dearpeggy.com/com023.html

Nat

My wife and I had counselling with Jennifer Harley. If it was not for her plan and understanding it is hard to say were my wife and I would be. I would trust them with any of my family and friends. There wisdom is worth every last penny.

I was very surprised how she did not take sides like the counsellor we had just before I called up the Harleys. That is a very important skill!

Just figured you would want to hear from someone with personal experience with phone counselling.

Mr. and Mrs. GS,

Just a few more thoughts. I have been at this site for a long time. There have been many posters that have influenced me, but one really really set a tone that has profoundly influenced my life. He goes by the name K. When I first stumbled upon this site in Feb. 99, he was posting a lot and helping a lot of people. He had been in counseling with STeve Harley for 6-7 months I would guess as this point.

His W had an affair. He did the plans and was in plan B at one point. It turns out that his W became pregnant with the Other Man's, OM's, child and he moved by home to help her. Here is the part that just blew me away. He had anticipated that this might happen, and he had two children with his W. He was crushed on one level, but the part I will always carry with me is that HE VIEWED THIS PREGNANCY AS AN OPPORTUNITY. Yes, that is right an OPPORTUNITY to rebuild his marriage. Now that little boy is I would guess close to 6 years old and his Dad, K, loves him.

My point to you two is that you are going to embark on a very difficult road. There will be times when either of you will want to just quit. BUT...what you have before you is an OPPORTUNITY to make each others life better, more rewarding and safe. It is a choice you will both have to make, and you will very likely make it at different times and multiple times. My recommendation is do NOT miss this OPPORTUNITY.

Mr. GS you have a lot of healing and learning to do. YOu will need to change your perspective on many things which will in turn change your actions.

Mrs. GS you are going to have to face your demons and understand why you have made the choices you have made. You will hear is said here many times the state of your marriage is the responsibility of both of you, but your decisions to have multiple affairs is sole your decision and you need to understand and address the reasoning that led you to make these choices.

Neither of you have an easy path, but you have a lot of years invested in this marriage, and I would hazard to guess that know one knows either of you like your partner. I know Mr. GS is reading this and shaking his head. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> But, even with all of the deception, it is very likely you know Mrs. GS like no one else.

Hope you had a good weekend. Take this slowly and then you will find that you will make fewer false steps. STill false steps are better than none.

God Bless,

JL

Telling my story is another step of therapy I hope. What follows is not pretty. I put this out not to be judged, although I am sure there will be some harsh criticism, but mostly for the benefit of Mr. Goodstuff and myself. I’ve told him all the history already so there is nothing new there but how I was feeling and what I was feeling might help each of us to get past some of the hurt. Where do I start?

I am 49 years old. I will soon be 50. I met Mr. G when I started my junior year in high school. I new nothing of relationships and sex and I was, by all accounts, a shy girl with little ambition and confidence. We dated for several years and were married by the time I was 25 years old. There were never any other men in my life except for Mr. G. During this time I started a an entry level job and through the years I continued to advance and my confidence and self-esteem grew. By the time I was 31 I had given birth to two wonderful children. My life and my marriage seemed to be in order and I think I was happy but you already know what is about to happen. Several more years passed and the excitement of the love we once had for each other began to fade, bit-by-bit, year-by-year. By the time I was 38 I had met a man through work. It began innocently enough but it turned into regular meetings and then an affair. It lasted 18 months and during that entire time we had relations one time and it had a big effect on me, after all, he was the only other man I had ever had besides Mr. G. Did I love this man? He gave me an ultimatum, him or Mr. G. I picked Mr. G. I was a wreck. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t work and I couldn’t sleep. I just told my husband that I had issues at work. But I got over it and as I looked back I realize that I never really loved this man. I continued to advance myself at work, general helper, supervisor, manager, vice president, senior vice president and then executive vice president. I was in charge and in control and best of all; I was in a position to help people that needed help. I can’t tell you how many people got my help solely due to my influence. These were deserving people that needed my help. I was a good judge of character and never made a bad business decision. Then came the a big shock. The CEO announced his retirement, I was the slated replacement but the board elected to hire from outside and bypass me without even an interview (politics). I stayed for another three years after that having to endure the new CEO’s lewd comments, blatant conceit and undeserved criticisms until finely I resigned. At first I loved being home, but there is only so much cleaning a person could do. I soon became lonely and bored. So what’s this internet thing? And so began a new more dangerous adventure. I am not sure what I was missing at home but I have some ideas. It took me a year to get my new circle of friends formed, almost all men. I began to live a whole new life, a secret life separate from everyone else I knew. We would meet at various places for a couple of hours for lunch and most of the time sex. It made me feel in control and alive again. I found that I could nurture these men (mostly out of town) and help them solve their problems. I gave them money to help with bills. Some were temporarily unemployed or trying to develop a career. So it wasn’t just the sex. I would receive huge appreciation and thanks. I made a difference in their life that they could never forget. My husband, a very successful man, didn’t need my help. But I was to find out to late that he needed me more then I ever imagined. My internet adventures continued on and off for the next seven years. There were feeling of guilt throughout but the good feelings that my new found friends provided helped me to overcome that. I think I wanted to stop, I knew that I was hurting our marriage but I didn’t stop. I told Mr. G that I wanted to move, to leave the home that our kids grew up in. I couldn’t tell him that this house had had lost all the good memories for me. He thought I was crazy to propose such a thing so I shut my mouth but I still feel that way. I wanted to find a way out but any time I thought of doing that I would get sick to my stomach and it was so easy to go back to the secret world for comfort. I come from a large family and have many friends but to go to them for help? That sick feeling again and back to the secret world. Finely, it happened. God must have intervened knowing that I had enough. Bits and pieces of my secret world begin to surface and I knew that I had to tell my husband. What would I say? There was no need to dive into the full depths of my secret world, so I told him only the smallest pieces. You know the drill, just enough to let him know I had an affair. Perhaps if I had known more about the Marriage Builders concepts I might have treated it differently but I never expected him to accept my act. I thought it would be over, that he would be done with me. He told me so, “If you ever have an affair it’s over”. I believed him. So on the day that picked to tell him I could not decide if should do it by phone, letter or in person. However I did it, I expected it to end our marriage. So I decided to throw some cloths in a plastic bag and head to a hotel. I left him a message to call me next to his computer. When he arrived home at about 9:00 PM he noticed that my car was gone and immediately called me he knew something was wrong. He asked me where I was and I told him that I was at a hotel. His next response was “Are you leaving me?” I told him that he would be leaving me once he found out what I had done. He said that it doesn’t matter, just come home. “You don’t understand”, I said “I had an affair”, the words were out! “Just come home”, was his response. I came home and we talked late into the night. But as it was, I told him the full truth over three different occasions in the next six weeks only revealing more information as he kept digging each time finding more of my lies. It was so painful to tell. Each time before I told more, I felt the pull to go to my secret world. But he surprised me as each time I told him he found a way to understand and there was my strong brave man, broken and destroyed over and over again. My husband does not come to tears easily. Even at his father’s death he was not moved to cry. The evening that I gave him the final blast of information, later as we laid in bed with the lights out, he finely broke and wept so hard that he scared me. His biggest fear is that my secret world will come back. Mr. G thinks it will be hard to leave my secret life behind, but as we are at this moment driving for a weekend getaway I told him that he will be surprised how well I will leave this secret world. I will never go back. My secret world was not focused solely on sex. It was my comfort zone. I think, as I try to analyze my self, I have over the years built up a resentment of Mr. G’s successes and I had none for myself since I left my job. This resentment grew in me and created a wall between us and these issues helped feed my secret world. I both hated him and loved him. I am determined to make this marriage work and I have asked for professional help to make sure that it happens. In my other world I was focused on helping my circle of friends emotionally, financially, and sexually. But I have many friends, real friends that could use my help. Even during our weekend getaway at our friend’s cottage I discovered that my girlfriend is a closet alcoholic, depressed, alone with her marriage in trouble. Her troubles somehow made ours seem less and I will do whatever I can to help her. After all, look at the help we are getting. And of course there is my husband. He needs me so badly. I never knew. I am so grateful knowing that my problem is out in the open and I am seeking professional help. I realize that the depression may get worse and hit hard down the road. I feel that therapy will help keep me safe. I am happy to report that so far, I do not miss my old world, in fact, I feel free of it. Now that I let it go it looks to be sad place and empty existence. There was no love in that place. Good riddance. This forum is our new place for now, it gives my heartbroken husband a place to go and help repair some of the damage I have done to him. I so want to start new memories with him. I said to him today, “I can’t wait until I am 52”. He looked at me a bit puzzled, “What do you mean?” I smiled at him, “Because at 52 we will have completed two years of recovery and that’s the time frame that MB says we will be healed”.

Bet you weren’t ready for this one…
Mrs. Goodstuff

<small>[ November 15, 2004, 05:42 AM: Message edited by: Mrs. Goodstuff ]</small>

JL thank you for the comforting reply. I can't tell you how how much your words mean to me. Your view will alwats be appreciated. I have just finished my sad story and would love for you to read it as you see things that we don't see. Also i want to thank Aussieswife for her words. As the posts i read before that caused me to despair a little.
Thanks again,
Mrs. G

Hi Mrs.GS,

I hope that my earlier post didn't discourage you... I just wanted to give you my perspective on a rough time line of what my W and I went through... and to let you know that even after multiple A's... my W and I have rebuilt our M into what God had planned for us all along.

I hope that you've shared your last post with Mr.GS... I know how hard all of this is for you and how hard it is to share with Mr.GS... but it's a necessary step in the rebuilding process...

JL is very knowledgable and is one of the 'wisest' posters that I've seen here on the boards, but he will tell you himself, that you both need to find a professional, pro-marriage MC to help guide you and Mr.GS through all of this... I'm sure that there are some here that have rebuilt their M without MC, but I can't think of any right off hand. In my case, I don't think that my W and I would be where we are now without MC...

I think that just the fact that you were able to share your thoughts and feelings so well in your last post indicates that you and Mr.GS are well on your way to rebuilding your M... but please, please, find a pro-M MC as soon as you can...

Semper Fi,
RIF90