I discovered this 9/28 while trying to use her cell phone. I discovered text messages of a very personal nature. The number was from a city 4+ hours away. I confronted her and she admitted to the affair. She had been to a convention in July in the city the number originated from. She met him at a club w/her friends. It was innocent at first just talking and getting to know each other. They exchanged #'s and began speaking and texting through august. They had a meeting in our home town in september while I was out of town for the day. She admitted to having sex with him at that time. They also met one other time in his town and also had sex then. As they live far apart those are the only 2 times it had hapenned. We have always been a very compatable couple and gotten along very well - we rarely have arguments and have always considered ourselves best friends. We have 2 small children ages 2 and 5. The youngest is very challenging. I have loved her for 17 years (when we met) and can't imagine my life w/out her. I understand that a lot of our problems stem from my not connecting w/her - we have both let our lives grow apart - with kids and jobs we haven't made it a priority. She has told me that she loves me as family but doesn't feel passionate about me and isn't sure she can get the passion back. We have been to counseling and we do like him but he is out of town for 10 days and I need some support. Since she was caught the reltionship has gotten more intense. The cell phone bill in sept was under $200 but the Oct bill was almost $700. She has also gone to see him twice, and is leaving tonight to go down there for the weekend, leaving me home to take care of the kids. I assume sex happened on these trips but do not know.

I discovered this website today and have read a lot of it - just now getting to the message boards - I printed most of the info and given her bits and pieces. She also watched Dr. Phil today who apparently was doing something on infidelity and saw a lot of herself in it that she didn't like. She knows she needs to end the relationship but still has feelings for him. She says when she gets back she will write the letter to him as suggested - severing ties w/him. She seems sincere but at the same time her actions are speaking loudly. I can't give up yet - but I needed some friends as we are keeping all this from our friends and family. With the counselor gone and not involving friends and family I just needed to talk. Since this all started I have been put on anti-depressants and they have helped. This site has given me hope. Any advice or comments are appreciated

vdc,

She says when she gets back she will write the letter to him as suggested - severing ties w/him.

Horseapples!!! She must severe the ties now!! Not when she gets back.

Her actions are speaking louder than her words because her words are meaningless fogbabble.

You cannot start any kind of rebuilding with her still seeing him. Is he married?? Do you know his name or phone #.

If he is married you tell his spouse what is going on! That helps end the A quicker than anything.

You have to start being pro-active and not reacting to her.

What if you say "Sorry I am not going to watch the kids this weekend. I think I am having a nervous breakdown and do not trust myself with them alone."

Hide her car keys!! Pull out the distributer cap.
Cancel her credit cards!!

The tone of your post is that you meekly stand on the porch and wave goodby to her as she zooms off to see the OM. Hopefully this is not the reality.

k

Unfortunatly that is how it feels. In talking to the marriage counselor - who is adament about the need to end the relationship also said I can't make her do anything without being physical which is of course unacceptable. I actually did say I couldn't cope with watching the kids as I am losing my mind - she offered to take them with her. She intends to go because she needs to know for sure before ending it. I am 37 yrs old and she is 35 the jerk she is seeing is 30. I know his name and where he works. He is single. I have access to her cell phone activity almost hourly as I was able to get her password and do on the internet w/our carrier and see current activity. His personal number i know but can't get any info from it, but the work # led me to directions. She has told me what he does and have checked it and confirmed his position. I have thought about calling him, riding down there and looking him in the eye - but I am afraid I would end up in Jail. I am scared to make the demand at this time because my response would be to file for divorce - and that would only be a bluff at this point. I feel like a wuss but I don't know what else to do.

vdc:

EXPOSE!!! Find out for certain whether the OM is married or not, and immediately inform his spouse if he is.

Make it clear that you DO NOT want her 2 go see him for the weekend. You can't tell her what 2 do, but you certainly can't be expected 2 stand by and let it happen.

If the OM isn't married, or you can't find out soon enough, then expose 2 family, coworkers, and friends. If they met at a convention, they might work 2gether, or in the same field. If theyy work 2gether, one of them is going 2 have 2 quit.

Who pays the cell phone bill??

-ol' 2long

vdc:

"I actually did say I couldn't cope with watching the kids as I am losing my mind - she offered to take them with her."

NO NO NO NO!!!!! NEVER let her take YOUR kids 2 meet this OM!!!! I suggest you muster up some courage and focus on keeping your family 2gether RIGHT NOW. Your own mental health comes first, then your kids, then your marriage. Definitely take care of your kids this weekend.

"She intends to go because she needs to know for sure before ending it."

If she saw the Dr. Phil show, did she hear his comment (reported here by cerri) that relationships that start out as affairs have a one in a hundred chance of succeeding??? Pretty crummy odds, don't you think?

"I am 37 yrs old and she is 35 the jerk she is seeing is 30. I know his name and where he works. He is single."

Then you need 2 find out how 2 contact his immediate family and expose the affair 2 them. You also need 2 contact his place of employment. Tell them (preferably his supervisor, or better yet the Human Resources Dept., if it's a big company) that you love your W and want 2 do anything you can 2 save your marriage, and that the OM is interfering with that.

"I have thought about calling him, riding down there and looking him in the eye - but I am afraid I would end up in Jail."

This is usually not a good idea for that very reason.

"I am scared to make the demand at this time because my response would be to file for divorce - and that would only be a bluff at this point. I feel like a wuss but I don't know what else to do."

You need 2 read up on plan A and get hard at work. The home page has a number of articles that can help as well as excerpts from the books "Surviving and Affair" and "His Needs/Her Needs" that are pretty helpful, particularly at this point in time for you.

best,
-ol' 2long

The Cell phones are in my name so I would be stuck w/the bill. She said he would give money - but that is just too confusing for me. They do not work together - she is a stay at home mom but also a fitness instuctor and legitamitly at a training conference. This guy is a manager at a rental car dealership and actually lives w/another guy. The only thing I can see she gets from the reltionship is adoring attention and a reminder of her life before kids and all our adult reposiblities. I think she is starting to see that - w/some of her recent comments - but again the actions for the weekend are what is getting to me.

She did actually mention the 1 in a 100 comment to me. I didn't see the show. I do believe she is totally confused and knows the right thing to do just getting past the emotional cannection is needed. I just found this site today and have read a lot but it is a lot to digest. It has made me feel better and actually see that there is hope. I have tried to get myself under control and emotionally balanced for my kids - ther was no way she was going to take the kids from my point of view.

As far as affecting his life by calling his job, I don't want to get into a pissing contest w/him. We have not involved any of our family (mine or hers) in this situation because there would be a total meltdown that would make repairing things exponentially harder to fix. And unfortunatly our families are in his general area, and my last name and her last name are unique enough for him to find them rather easily. All he has to lose is a crappy job.

vdc:

You don't contact his employer 2 affect his life, you expose the affair 2 put pressure on it 2 end sooner rather than later.

I would immediately inform your and her family of the affair. She will be very angry, but that's usually a good indicator that you did the right thing.

-2long

So are you done giving excuses as to why you cannot do anything? If so, exposure to her family will make her mad as heck, but it will put a light to this.

Step back and think about this. You know about this affair, and she still just sashies out the door to go be with him leaving you and the kids. Do you really think that she cares what you think about her? Not at this moment she is in the fog. Will she care when she gets back? No!

REad up on plan A and do it, part of plan A is exposure of the A to family. Start with her parents and simply ask them for their help in restoring your marriage. Make it clear you love her and want her as your W, but your words are NOT making a dent, so perhaps their's will.

Don't ask them for retribution against her, but simply help in restoring the marriage. She won't like it, but I doubt OM will like raising two kids either. It is a lot more fun to cruise the bars looking for dopy women. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Read and execute plan A, and stop with the excuses. You are not ready to face the fact that all of your "what if's?" make no sense this is an illogical situation and you cannot guess about this other than she will NOT like having this A exposed to her family or her friends.

Call her folks and ask for help. She is rubbing this in your face and if nothing changes, then...nothing will change. Plan A is tough and most of it feels like you are a doormat, but part of it, exposure takes guts. It is gut check time.

Please think about this and act.

God Bless,

JL

PS: You can believe that her parents are going to worry about what will happen to THEIR Grandchildren and a divorce is NOT good for them.

I can and will not involve our families. The relationships we each have w/the others family is not great. When we moved away from the families afer we were married her family tried to guilt her to come home - they didn't care if they broke us up. She had to finally stand up to them but it took a lot but she did it - I don't have confidence in the support I would get from her family. As for my family ever since the early troubles involving her family the relationship has never been comfortable. And my family would not be able to keep from pouring gas on the fire. The counselor we have seen we also saw 10 yrs ago w/the truoble mentioned above. He is in complete agreement to keep our families out of it. That is why I am here - because I don't want to involve family or friends because if this is rebuilt I don't want to have to rebuild those relationships as well.

Thank you for your support - but there is no way I want her or my family aware of this if there is anyway possible to fix the relaitonship.

I know I am being a doormat - but I have made my feelings known to her very clearly and implied future consequenses - there is no way I can stop her short of physically restraing her.

I beleive that a change of perspective or attitude would help you greatly in coping with this ordeal. You are doing the right thing in not putting pressure on her because you cannot force her to give up the OM if she doesn't want to. But you MUST convey to her that if her contact with the OM continues that eventually you will lose all love for her and that you won't want to continue being married to her. At the same time, I would like for you to expand your range of activities and meet new people including making friends with women [No not to have an affair of your own]. You CAN have friendship with women but always with BOUNDARIES. It's amazing how many times, a WS's passion for the BS suddenly returns when he/she sees that the BS is friends with another man/woman. If you do these things, not only would you no longer feel like a doormat but more importantly you'd be sending a clear message to your WW that no matter what the outcome of your marriage is, you will not only survive but thrive. So stop chasing her and instead chase your own happiness. Please read Dr Robert Huizenga's 7 Powerful Tactics to Break Free From The Affair and Stop it NOW!; 12 Unattractive, Ugly, Typical Tact...he Affair and Guarantee Their Own Misery; and Michelle Weiner Davis's Divorce Busting 180 Degree List for ways to achieve this emotional independence. Remember, No amount of words on your part will convince your WW about your changes, but your actions certainly will.

If you are really in Plan A you will not be feeling like a doormat. Read the Plan A links in my signature line. Willard Harley has shifted his thinking on Plan A to make it more confrontational since he originally came up with the idea. You will see that shift in the posts by Zorweb and by Cerri. Cerri is a marriage coach who has studied extensively with Harley. Those posts will also give you some more specific pointers than the Plan A/Plan B article by Harley.

As for the kids...I'm not sure...it WOULD introduce a dose of reality into their world, wouldn't it?

Exposure: Exposure is to be done to people who are likely to support you in persuading the WS to end the affair. It does not sound like either set of parents are in that category. Religious mentors? Collegues? Best friends? Grandparents? Siblings?

Also, confronting the other person SHOULD be done, IMO, as part of exposure, but doing it in person is a bad idea. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> A word about confronting the OP, when a WS is unwilling to end an affair on their own, because this question comes up a lot, and many people advise that you avoid confronting the OP, because discussions between BS’s and OP’s tend to be unhelpful and painful for the BS. I do not suggest having much of a discussion. I DO suggest confronting the OP, and also informing the OP’s spouse or girlfriend or boyfriend of what you know, if they have one. If the OP’s spouse/friend is likely to be violent, you may want to hold off on that exposure, but that is the only exception I know of, other than a message from God.

The confrontation of the OP is fairly important, and should be worded carefully. Given the emotional state you are probably in right after you learn of an affair, that usually means doing it by letter or email, or maybe a phone call. I do not recommend direct confrontations because of the strong temptation you may have to become physically violent.

Whatever method you use to communicate, say something like: “I love [spouse], and am trying to fix what is wrong with our marriage. I believe your relationship with [spouse] is interfering with our efforts to fix our marriage, and I would appreciate it if you would cease all contact with [spouse].” If you are CERTAIN it is a physical affair, you can use the word “affair”, instead of “relationship”. If you have children, you may also say that the OP is contributing to the destruction of a family.

They may laugh at you, but it is important to send that message, respectfully, for several reasons:

1. Because the OP may not know the WS is married. If that is the case, confronting the OP sometimes leads immediately to the end of the affair.
2. Because WS’s usually (almost always?) depict their spouse in a negative way to the OP. They say things like: “My wife doesn’t understand me” or “My husband won’t talk to me”, “My spouse is unconcerned about me and/or our marriage” or “We have an open relationship”, or something worse – you are crazy, controlling, cruel, etc. So, you need to confront the OP in a way that shows you at your best – not crazy, not unconcerned, not controlling, not angry, but rather calm, kind, purposeful, determined and concerned for your spouse and your relationship with them. When you do that, it introduces conflict into their relationship, because there is a conflict between what the OP experiences, and what they have been told.
3. Many WS’s and OP’s minimize the seriousness of their affairs with rationalizations like: “It’s only physical”, or, in the case of an Emotional Affair, “It’s just a close friendship” and “It’s not physical.” The language I have suggested avoids giving them a point to argue, and simply says it is hurting you.
4. In most cases, affairs grow in secret, and they die when exposed.


Remember that affairs are addictions. What happens when you try to take away an addict's fix? Frequently, they get angry. It is fairly common for a WS to get EXTREMELY angry when you expose their affair and confront the OP, and accuse you of trying to destroy them and your marriage and of being a horrible human being, so be prepared for an angry response. It is not a lovebuster, it is fighting for your marriage. You are doing nothing horrible. They are. You are fighting to save your marriage. They are destroying it. You are telling the truth. They are being deceitful. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Since she was caught the reltionship has gotten more intense. The cell phone bill in sept was under $200 but the Oct bill was almost $700. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Step 1 for me would be to CANCEL HER CELLPHONE. TAKE HER NAME OFF THE BANK ACCOUNTS. Tell her you want to save the marriage and you will do whatever you possibly can to stop her from destroying it for as long as you are able. What message is she getting from you? You not only are not stopping her but are financing her betrayal and the destruction of your marriage and your children's home. Vdc, it's time to SHOW HER YOU CARE. Time to start acting like a husband she can respect, not disrespect as she is so brazenly doing. Do everything in your power to stop her from going down this ruinous path!

Best wishes on recovering your marriage. Time to call on all the courage you have.

Nat

vdc
this is probably out of character for me being a FWW, yes like your wife is now, but if you wantto save your M you need to stop empowering the A.

You give lots of excuses because you are frgihtened of loosing her. Thats understandable abd very human thing to do, BUT if you keep going on with what you are doing you may as well run along to the courthouse, pick up divorce papers, pack her bags and hand both to her as she goes out the door to see her lover.
Thats where you are heading.

LISTEN to what these people say they have gone through a lot like you and heard a lot. Of course you can't do it all right now its new to you, BUt don't just sit there & say I can't because........ TMCM, JL, JOhn & Natalie had some great ideas please think about them, look at how you could use them, discuss with your MC when he gets back, but somethings you can do NOW.

Tell her that seeing OM is causing you to loose love for her, cancel the phone & credit cards, does she think she can use the family funds to pay for her lover?? No one says you have to do all on one day, but you need to act.

Unfortunately we WW are selfish and hurtful and spiteful seems to be part of the pattern. So start sonewhere but start!!
I think there great hope here for you & your W but sitting thinking about won't do it.

So read, read , read and start asking questions even if you don't like the answers. I think it has helped save my M maybe it will yours.