I have been posting on here for a while. Most everything I have posted has dealt with the sexual abuse my wife went through as a child and how to get past it. I know I have also mentioned my affair, but it hasnt been my real focus. Well its time to change the focus a bit.

I had an emotional affair with a co worker. My wife was having some big problems at work and had become really withdrawn. For over 2 months it was all she would talk about, was always in a bad mood. I mean to the point the kids were trying to avoid her.

I had a couple of really nasty calls at work. I was having nightmares and questioning my choice of jobs. I tried to talk to my wife about it and her exact words were " I had a bad day too, I dont care" So I turned to the person who was my partner on both calls.

We became really good friends. Nothing sexual, but the emotional attachement became very strong. I didnt see the friendship as a problem but my wife did.

5 months later I end the friendship to make my wife happpy. 2 weeks after I ended the friendship I was doing some building work at work. Got my youngest son to go and help a little. The next night I was working a special event and my wife called me and asked for my email password. I gave it to her no questions asked. The next day I find out the my wife had paid the youngest to go help me so he could spy on me.

I got really mad. I couldnt believe that if she really thought something was going on she would want our child to see it. I told her if thats the way she was going to act I wanted a divorce. The next day I told her I was sorry, I said it out of anger and that I was willing ot do whatever was needed to save the marriage.

I thought things were going pretty good after that, then she moved out. So basicly here I am.

Wow. did she say why she was moving out? When people move out where do they get the funds if they don't work. Do they just withdraw it from the bank account or something. Ok sorry off topic but even if either of us (my husband and I ) were to move out, we wouldn't have the dough to do so.

Anyways in terms of your situation, are the children with you or her right now?

Has she called you and how long ago has she moved out? Where is she living? Do you think she has an OM?

LM,

She decided to move out because she was going to hold me to my comment about wanting the divorce. She does work full time. Doesnt make great money but it gets her by with the fact she is living with her parents.

The kids are with me. There is a history of sexual abuse where she is living. We still talk everyonce in a while. She says her goal is us getting back togeather but she wants to deal with her issues first. We both have had multiple affairs through out the 15 years. But I think this one is the one that has brought everything to the surface. I think the reason that it did bring everything up was the fact that is was an EA. Had to explain but with my wifes history of sexual abuse a sexual affair just doesnt seem as bad to her as the emotional attachment did. I dont think she has an OM. Im 99.999999999% sure of that

interesting...I have been sexually abused in the past and for me the EA was more powerful than the PA. In fact during the PA it felt like I wasn't even in my body. It didn't feel like me. It was happening but it wasn't me.
I can't explain it.

The EA is very powerful because in general I dont give my heart and soul to just anyone. It is easy to do that online etc but in person I can be a hermit and no one truly knows the true me and all the feelings and thoughts I have. That is why I move a mile a minute and keep very very busy. I don't want to stay around long enough to build any lasting painful relationships.

She is probably feeling now worthy enough to be with you. I often feel like used up trash. Tossed out garbage. Why would anyone want to be with me kind of thing and then i get myself into these stupid situations that actually justify those thoughts and feelings. Then when someone confronts me about it I feel worse and then really believe I am a horrible parent or wife.

It is a horrible cycle.
You know what pulls at my heart. My OM looked me in my eyes and said "you are a wonderful woman, You are a great mother and wife and friend. " I am not even married to this man and he said those things to me. Then he said, "I just wish you could see that your husband may never appreciate this about you." Now don't get me wrong, OM does not want to be in a relationship with me. He does not want to get married again nor have kids. At least this is what he told me. But that is when I knew I let this man in my heart and soul. I allowed him to like who I am. And that scares me.

I am sorry that this isn;t helping you at all. I can't give you any practical advice just my point of view about WWs who have been sexually abused.

I know the the emotional attachment I felt to OW was her biggest issue. My W was going through a very stressful time at work and was bringing her foul mood home. That hadd gone on so long that even the kids were avoiding her.

I just couldnt deal with that, plus some nasty calls I had at work. I needed someone to turn to and instead of a male co worker I turned to the person who was my partner on the calls. It ended up getting to the point i was no longer there emotionally for my wife

John,

I am sorry that your situation is so difficult. Hopefully, with some time and work, it will get better.

A couple of questions: is it possible that your WIFE is having an affair? One of the irionic things about my situation is that when my wife was in the middle of her affair, SHE started checking up on me. It makes sense, if you think about it: if you can convince yourself that the other person is doing something wrong, you can feel a lot less guilty and a lot more justified.

Also, you said your wife moved out. Where did she move to?

hi Andrew

I am 99.9999% sure she isnt. With where she is living she has a hard time getting out to go to the store by herself. Her parents are doing everything they can to make sure we do not get back togeather.

John,

When you say you had some "nasty" calls at work, what exactly do you mean? You mean business conference calls that didn't go well?

Also, why are her parents so dead set against you two getting back together?

Andrew, I wish it was as simple as business calls. I am a firefighter/paramedic.

My wife was sexually and emotionaly abused by her dad while growing up. He still has a HUGE control issue.

It comes down to a control issue for them. More like Im an outsider and they are afraid of their little secret getting out.

I am moving in 2 weeks. Once everything is moved in and in its place I am going to make it clear to my W she is welcomed back into the home when she is ready. We have both made alot of progress in addressing our issues