Medic,<P>I have read many posts where you talk about your first marriage and how it ended. I'm not trying to bring up painful memories and if you don't feel comfortable answering I would understand. Your situation then is very similar to mine now and I would love to get some insight from someone who has been in the position my H is now. He works with OW and has just completely forgotten about his family since he has been involved with her. All this only came out 8 mos. ago. He was a good H and F until then.<P>My questions are:<P>1) While in the middle of the affair, did you not care about the consequences, or just not see them?<BR>2) Did you feel you didn't love your wife?<BR>3) Did you feel anger & resentment toward her and did you blame her for everything?<BR>4) Did you really think your marriage was awful?<BR>5) Did you think you would be happier single?<BR>6) How did you feel about leaving your kids?<BR>7) When you woke up, what was it like for you then?(remorse, pain, etc?)<BR>8) Is this something you have always regretted?<P>If you do answer, I would appreciate it so much, I'm not judging you at all, just trying to see how my H is thinking right now. I hope you have success in restoring your marriage. Thank you so much.<P>AD

Medic<P>Just looked at my post and my questions seem brutal. These are not to condemn you at all, these are questions I have about my H's behavior thru this. I just wondered if you had similar feelings and could explain them to me. Nothing he has done makes sense and I'm just trying to get some answers on how a betrayer feels while in the middle of it. These are questions that consume me all the time.<P>Thanks again<P>AD<BR>

Hi AD,<P>I haven't been posting as much as usual. I am still stopping by to see how everyone is doing though. Thinks are still going forward with Val. We had a little speed bump last week. I think she told Brian we were trying to get back together and he didn't like it and probably tried to talk her out of it. So she is taking it slowly with me. That's ok, it's still progress.<P>Anyway now for the tough questions.<P>1. While I was involved in the affair it was all consuming. Rita was my life. Everything revolved around her. It really is true when they say about being in a fantasy. I left my two small children [ages 4 and 1] and W of 6 years behind. I saw no consequences at that time. Life was GREAT, no it was better than GREAT! My father was fit to be tied. I was threatened that I would be cut out of the will. I also think I heard something about being drawn and quarted. I didn't care, I was FINALLY happy, or so I thought at that time.<P>2 I can't say that I didn't love her, but, I would have to say again that everything revolved around Rita. I would stop by the house and see the kids and Toni. She would cry, I would cry. She would beg me to come back and in her presence I would agree. After I got back to the apartment with Rita I was pulled back into the gravity of the affair again. Called Toni and said I was not coming back. What a D!CK I was. I didn't see it then.<P>3. This is going back 13 years but I remember it like it was yesterday. I didn't have any anger or resentment for Toni. She had quite a bit of anger for me though. I could certainly see why. I would have to say that I really didn't feel anything towards her when I was with the OW.<P>4. The marriage wasn't awful but it wasn't a healthy environment either. We married young. Me 20, her 23. I lost my virginity to her, Yes I know more than you wanted to know. I'm not sure if that had anything to do with any of this. She had thrown me out of the house three times over the 6 year period. The last was when my finals were coming up for the state Paramedic test. That's just what I needed to worry about. <P> I was up at my volunteer ALS ambulance station and there was a H and W team that was on duty with me. I did notice the W to be quite attractive at the time. Well, they we fighting and I made the of the cuff remark that "Isn't marriage great?". My partner told me the next day that Rita thought I was attractive. One thing lead to another and before you know it sex at the station. I'm not very proud of this now.<P>5. I was happy with Rita! Oh yes, we made plans to marry after out respective divorces and all that other stuff. Grow old together have a great big Brady Bunch type family minus the maid. But it all sounded so good. Hey we were MEANT to be together.<P>6. I felt very bad about leaving my small children. The bad was over ruled when I was with Rita. Don't shoot me for this. Now, I can see that I was a total jerk and thank God I now have a good relationship with the kids. I lost some very importatant growing up times with them that will never be replaced. I am making up for lost time as we speak. They turned out great, no thanks to me. Toni did it all. They are very well behaved, polite and respectful.<P>7. I woke up aproximately 9 months after the affair was found out. I'm not sure exactly what really happened but the excitement was gone. The passion fizzled out. She started to see other people. We had agree upon this because we knew it was the beginning of the end. <P> I tried to get back together with Toni but she was not interested. It was funny in a not so humorous way. Early on, she wanted to get back, I didn't. Now I did, she didn't. We just couldn't get out act together.<P>8. This is something I will always regret. Everytime I see my kids I remember the lost time. When I should have been there but wasn't. I have a very good relationship with Toni now. I fixed her car not too long ago. She has expressed an interest in getting back together today if I would like. I told her that I can't forgive myself for what I had done to her. I will take my part in the betrayal to the grave.<P>*** Going back in time has somewhat helped me in my current situation. I can remember the waffling that I had done. I see the same things Val is doing and that I have already done. It's really all the same. Just the people involved are different.<P>I hope this helps you in finding answers. I have been as truthful that I can be.<P>Medic AKA Tim <P>------------------<BR>"It's not over till we say it's over! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? H*ll no!" Blutto...Animal House 1984<P>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic<P>

Hey AD,<P>Not sure if you noticed that I responded to you. Sending it back up.<P>Tim<BR>

Medic, <P>I just got back on, thank you for giving me such a detailed response on something that was none of my business. It really helped me see why my ex seems to have no emotion toward me. If I can ask one more, could you tell me if, when the affair ended, is that when you felt a lot of pain over losing your family, or did it come later? My ex doesn't seem to be as happy as he was at first, but I don't think he has experienced nearly as much pain as I have. Don't know if he ever will, and I can't understand how losing his family didn't hurt more. Once again, I hope you have wonderful success in your situation and thanks for helping me.<P>AD

Wow AD this was the toughest question you asked so far.<P>I was given visitation rights every other weekend for the kids. Toni came over to check out the apartment to see if it was ok for them to stay. Rita also had a daughter about the same age as my oldest. That was a fight for the kids to stay together. Toni did not want them to meet or play. I didn't see any problems with that then either. Remember fantasyland the park that never closes.<P>Toni was a different situation altogether. When the affair fell apart and I approached her regarding returning to the marriage, she was dating one of my friends. He always was my partner/driver on the medic unit. OUCH! That left a mark. Now the shoe was on the other hand. So there I was alone, miserable and jealous. I believe that is when I finally realized the full impact of what I had done.<P>Shortly after that Toni packed up the kids and their stuff and moved to the state of Washington. She only stopped there because she doesn't swim very well. Seriously, my mom was the one who told me they were leaving the day before. I had no notice. Nothing. I didn't even get to say goodbye.<P>She stayed out there for a few years and within the last 4 years came back to the valley. I have made what I believe to be remarkable strides in continuing a relationship with my children again. My older son works with me on the ambulance and is attending college for nursing. My younger one is a little tougher. He thinks I like the older one better. I'm getting closer to him too. <P>So after 13 years I have to say that with all the attention, love? and physical relations of the affair they were definately NOT worth the price I am paying now. Too late too smart.<P>Now my head hurts.<P>Take care AD...Tim<BR><P>------------------<BR>"It's not over till we say it's over! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? H*ll no!" Blutto...Animal House 1984<P>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic<P>

Medic,<P>The OW has a son about the age of my youngest (8). I can't stand the thought of them making like one big happy family, either. My kids have only met OW once and reacted very negatively. My ex had the nerve to tell me he didn't understand why my boys didn't like her, they didn't even know her! I'm sure she's a WONDERFUL PERSON, but they also know she helped break up our home. What does he expect?<P>Thanks again, <P>AD