I came here for the first time last night. I've got all the usual emotions. This morning, I found the Plan A and B stuff and started reading. For the past couple days, I've thought my marriage is over. I never thought I see a way to rationally try to put things back together. So many times, divorce seems so irrational. I still can't get him to talk to me. How can I put a plan in place if he won't even discuss things?

How long has it been since you found out? Is he still seeing the OP? My D-Day was July 5, 2004. Since then I have tried to Plan A it. My H has been back and forth still involved with the OP. Finally as of Sept 12 he swears there has been no contact with OP. For the first two months after I found out, he wouldn't discuss anything with me. Even now, I think he is only staying for the kids. If this is all fresh, you should try to get him to see a marriage counselor. That's where I started and she got him to say he would try and stay and work on the marriage. My H is still in a fog, and really has not started to work on the M at all. This is so hard to go through, I wish you luck. This web site has been a god send to me. When I can't seem to find answer with him I come here and get some answers. Keep trying to get him to talk and definetly read the book His Needs, Her Needs and Surviving the Affair, they really helped me.
Good luck!

Me (36)
WH (36)
2D Age 5 & 7
Married 10 years
Together 17 Years

Thanks. I guess we'd all like the pain to be gone tomorrow if not this afternoon. It's been 3 days but I've had suspicions for a while. I think the worst part has been trying to conceal everything. When I knew, I didn't want to fly off the handle, yell and all. That didn't seem to be the right way. H just tunes that out. Well, maybe he tunes out most everything.

Now he knows and OW knows that I know. That feels better. It's a strain not being able to answer the kids questions. (The where's Dad?) Being with my inlaws this weekend will be the challenge. While I'd like to expose the situation, I don't feel I want to do it until H has talked to me. For some reason, I feel I need to hear his point of view. Is 3 days enough? 3 weeks? 3 months? I'm not going to live this lie for too long.

You are very, very new at this, and it is very miserable at first. It does get better though. Stick to Plan A, and don't expect results from him. But he will be noticing.

Is the OW married?

You may want to expose the A. Is the OW married? I made the mistake of trying to keep it all quiet. I spoke to the OW, who had been a friend of the family and I promised if she stayed away from my husband I wouldn't expose it to her husband or anyone else. All that did was make them become more secretive. It also gave her a chance to tell her husband that I was crazy and saying she was having an affair w/ my H. When I caught them again having contact I called her H and he didn't believe me. He said his W had told him I might be calling and that I better leave them alone. My H finally had no contact after I exposed the A to his office (he works in a small office, she was his assistant) He wasn't happy about that, but now they couldn't sneak around. It helped too because I was very friendly with alot of the woman in the office and they have really stood by me. She has since quit. The funny thing is they thought they were being so secretive, but the whole office knew something was going on. So in the end I felt the more that knew the better. Of course this has only come after 4 1/2 months of alot of pain. What shocked him into NC was when the kids were with me and I caught them together. I unfortunately lost it in front of the kids, it was an ugly sight, but he could see what his betrayal did to me and them. Sometimes it makes me so mad that he could talk to her about everything, and can't talk to me about anything.
Good luck!

Me (36)
WH (36)
2D 5 & 7
Married 10 years
Together 17 years

If you haven't yet read the Plan A links in my signature line links, do so now. There is a lot of good advice there, particularly the links by Zorweb and Cerri.

Lots of WS don't want to talk about "it." To do so makes them look really bad, and they don't want to face that.

But you can and should approach him in a non-threatening way (you seem to be good at this) and explain your need to know so you can make your own decisions on what you think is right for you. It is only fair, after all. He made a choice to have Amy, now he should give you all of the information you need to decide if you still want to be in a marriage with him.

Tell him you are uncomfortable living this lie and you will expose it to everyone who will listen if it helps you get the information you need -- even his family.

Exposure works wonders if you need help ending an affair. My hunch is he's still in the affair because he is not talking. But I could be wrong.

Keep posting. It is kinda slow on the weekends, but there is plenty to read.

Hang in there.

~ Snow

I'm completely positive he's in the A. He's hiding his cellphone and there's a lot of extra mileage on his car. I'm communicating via notes. I think he reads what's taped in large letters on the bathroom mirror. He sees it but the kids don't. Today we saw his parents but I didn't let the bomb drop. I want him to say something first. It's coming though...

Here's today's note: Today is Sunday. Sunday should be a family day. If you feel the absolute need to go to work, either stay for an hour (work is 10 minutes away, OW is 45) or take me with you. I have a good book to read. If you want to do a Costco shop (how many times has Costco shopping been an excuse?), let's go together. Maybe we could go for a hike? See a movie? If you disappear today, nobody in this family will be happy. You've been gone a long time. Let's try to spend today together.

Think there's any chance it could work? Of course, the stuff in ( ) won't be in it. Does this fit into any of the Plan A format?

No. You are making demands, in a very gentle way, but still demands (...should... and either...or). Ask, for what you want, don't demand. Also, be direct with him. Did you read those links by Zorweb and Cerri?

You're right. He took them as demands. Didn't care if I felt I could trust him or not. Won't admit to the A. If I didn't have the proof, he'd try to make believe nothing was happening. Do WH have to admit to the A before you can even start Plan A?

How do I get to the links you're talking about?

Click on the link in my signature line. They are in the first paragraph.

Plan A is a strategy to end a spouse's affair. It is entirely up to you. Your husband should not even know why you are doing what you are doing.