Thanks to my snooping skills, the finding of a handwritten note on a hotel notepad that says "I LOVE AMY" and lists all her various phone numbers and address, I have everything. Part of me wants to call this woman and ask her what the heck she's doing. The other half, the nonconfrontative part that probably got me into this to begin with, says bide your time.

Is there any benefit to saying I know what's going on? My husband won't talk. Is talking to her an option? What anybody's advice?

Hello. Sorry you're in this situation. Sounds like you have alot of information on "Amy". Maybe calling her isn't the best option. Why not hire a Private Investigator and give him all of the info. He can come up with all the proof and inforatiom you need to confront your H. If you call "Amy" she is probably just going to deny, deny, deny to cover your H's behind. Or she may just keep saying, "Ask your H"..."Talk to your H" which would be infuriating. So many OW consider their relationship with your "H" none of your business. It is insane. They compartmentalize as much as or more than the cheating spouse does. Plus, they have decided that the A is all your fault anyway b/c in their mind you weren't woman enough to keep your man.

Good luck to you. I know how you're feeling. It is the most awful thing in the world to experience. -SNS

Thank you for your kind words. I have all I need on this woman without going to an investigater. I think it's all relatively new so my husband at least has built up the wall of self-righteousness. It's still this shiny thing that I don't think they knew I knew about.

This hurts so badly

HC,

Do you know Amy's last name?

If you go on Google and type in the phone # it may give you the name of the bill payor. If it is a cell phone it won't. If there is a work phone, usually it will give the name of the business.

I learned this when investigating W's cell phone bills all day long instead of doing my job at work.

Or you could just call them and hang up if she answers.

But if a man answers, who may be her husband, you could have an interesting conversation with him!

This will help tarnish that shiny thing real quick.

To be pro-active seems to take the helpless hurt feelings away....a little.

k

I think talking to the other person is a good idea.
You can confront her. Possibly get her to back off. Scare her off. Or even sense that she doesn't want to back off.

It all depends on the situation. I don't see any down side to talking to OP.

I am however, not in favor of talking to other persons's spouse. For me that is a personal issue though.

Good luck

Before moving forward too fast, purchase and read, no, purchase and STUDY, Surviving an Affair.

This book will help you more than anything else right now, and give you a roadmap on how to proceed with the information you currently have.

If you choose to "do this on your own" and "fly by the seat of your pants", you'll make mistakes that may cost you weeks or months in the process of confrontation, exposure, withdrawal, and recovery.

The MB philosophy may be the very best approach to saving your marriage. It has helped hundreds of people since I started posting last December. Without following this plan, I'd be divorced now, instead of 9 months into recovery.

Think before you act!

Best wishes,
SD

<small>[ November 12, 2004, 12:03 PM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

Naples,

I am however, not in favor of talking to other persons's spouse. For me that is a personal issue though.

This is called EXPOSURE!! One of the basic principals to stop the A is to EXPOSE to the OP's spouse!! THE IDEA BEING TO STOP THE A!

PERSONAL?!?! WHAT IS MORE PERSONAL THAN AN A??

Naples, sorry to raise my voice like that, but you should know the basics of the MB board..I know you have been here a while.

k

I think talking to the other person is a good idea.
You can confront her. Possibly get her to back off. Scare her off. Or even sense that she doesn't want to back off.

It all depends on the situation. I don't see any down side to talking to OP.

I am however, not in favor of talking to other persons's spouse. For me that is a personal issue though.

Good luck

Shattered Dreams is right. Take some time to calm down, read and study the book. Take deep breaths and plan your actions.

Sometimes I want to jump into action immediately. This process is a long marathon with many stages of emotions.

k

Too late for much advice. I did call. I felt if H couldn't communicate, she needed to know that I knew and it wasn't alright. Who knows how he's justified it. I have all the info on her I'd ever need. Home #, Cell #, work #, address. I know she's divorced and has 3 kids.

I wanted to do something before they got together tonight. I called her on her cell phone and left a message. I identified myself and said "I hope you're enjoying my husband and all the pain you're causing everyone. Did your marriage end in an affair? I know it takes 2 to tango but this is particularly nasty. How does it feel to be such a slimeball?"

Perhaps not the best message. Perhaps cowardly to leave a message but I thought worse to just handup. My one friend who knows, thought it was quite brave. I want to start the communication process and get my H head out.

Well, now that you've got that out of your system, how about jumping on the Marriage Builders program, educate yourself by reading Surviving an Affair, and prepare yourself to face this battle with knowledge, and help from these forums?

We all know your emotions are running wild now, and it's hard to be anything but shocked, scared, angry, seeking revenge, and feeling almost mortally wounded. But in order for your marriage to be saved, you need to calm down, and face the reality that YOU are the one who needs to take action.

There are many kind, and caring people here who will help you every step of this long and exhausting journey, and who will make the effort a little bit more efficient and effective for you.

Don't give up. Post here as often as you like. Tell us the bad news, the good news, or just vent. It all helps you reach your goal.

Best wishes
SD

I'm glad I called. It got it out of my system and I feel better. Last night, things were very different. He came home from work in a timely manner, stayed home and even watched a movie with my daughter and I.

It feels like there is a chink in the wall.H wasn't just cold and silent. That there might be a space for talking.

OK You took ACTION. It gives you a feeling of being "empowered", doesn't it?

Affairs are like addictions, and it WILL be you who needs to take the ACTIONS necessary to help your H end the addiction, therefore, the affair.

Surviving an Affair contains a proven plan on how to do just that.

Please educate yourself to the best of your ability for the rollercoaster ride you have found yourself riding by reading the book and continue to post here. I promise it will help you!

Best Wishes
SD

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> nonconfrontative part that probably got me into this to begin with </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You're learning. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> A word about confronting the OP, when a WS is unwilling to end an affair on their own, because this question comes up a lot, and many people advise that you avoid confronting the OP, because discussions between BS’s and OP’s tend to be unhelpful and painful for the BS. I do not suggest having much of a discussion. I DO suggest confronting the OP, and also informing the OP’s spouse or girlfriend or boyfriend of what you know, if they have one. If the OP’s spouse/friend is likely to be violent, you may want to hold off on that exposure, but that is the only exception I know of, other than a message from God.

The confrontation of the OP is fairly important, and should be worded carefully. Given the emotional state you are probably in right after you learn of an affair, that usually means doing it by letter or email, or maybe a phone call. I do not recommend direct confrontations because of the strong temptation you may have to become physically violent.

Whatever method you use to communicate, say something like: “I love [spouse], and am trying to fix what is wrong with our marriage. I believe your relationship with [spouse] is interfering with our efforts to fix our marriage, and I would appreciate it if you would cease all contact with [spouse].” If you are CERTAIN it is a physical affair, you can use the word “affair”, instead of “relationship”. If you have children, you may also say that the OP is contributing to the destruction of a family.

They may laugh at you, but it is important to send that message, respectfully, for several reasons:

1. Because the OP may not know the WS is married. If that is the case, confronting the OP sometimes leads immediately to the end of the affair.
2. Because WS’s usually (almost always?) depict their spouse in a negative way to the OP. They say things like: “My wife doesn’t understand me” or “My husband won’t talk to me”, “My spouse is unconcerned about me and/or our marriage” or “We have an open relationship”, or something worse – you are crazy, controlling, cruel, etc. So, you need to confront the OP in a way that shows you at your best – not crazy, not unconcerned, not controlling, not angry, but rather calm, kind, purposeful, determined and concerned for your spouse and your relationship with them. When you do that, it introduces conflict into their relationship, because there is a conflict between what the OP experiences, and what they have been told.
3. Many WS’s and OP’s minimize the seriousness of their affairs with rationalizations like: “It’s only physical”, or, in the case of an Emotional Affair, “It’s just a close friendship” and “It’s not physical.” The language I have suggested avoids giving them a point to argue, and simply says it is hurting you.
4. In most cases, affairs grow in secret, and they die when exposed.


Remember that affairs are addictions. What happens when you try to take away an addict's fix? Frequently, they get angry. It is fairly common for a WS to get EXTREMELY angry when you expose their affair and confront the OP, and accuse you of trying to destroy them and your marriage and of being a horrible human being, so be prepared for an angry response. It is not a lovebuster, it is fighting for your marriage. You are doing nothing horrible. They are. You are fighting to save your marriage. They are destroying it. You are telling the truth. They are being deceitful.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I feel powerful calling OW. My girlfriend said I was very brave. I called her cell phone. The work number seemed inappropriate. The home phone could be picked up by her kids. Enough kids are being hurt. I left a message because a hangup call seemed worse. I'm still shaking when I think of it. I wrote what I wanted to say and practiced. I said, " Hi, OW. This is BS. I hope you're enjoying my husband and all the pain you're caused. Did your marriage end like this? I know it takes 2 to tango but this is particularly nasty. How does it feel being such a slimeball? Bye!"

Something I did yesterday had some effect. He was home last night. Watched a movie and spent a pleasant night. (Sex? No way until???) Today, he went to work, put a lot of mileage on his car then spent the rest of the day with us. At least talking and not an ice cube. Perfect? No but better than a blank wall.

Talking from MY experience only...

Called OW #1 - her reply - You need to talk to HIM..She would not admit to anything...Just kept telling me to talk to him - I told her I love my H - she said I'm sure you do...She even said I could talk to her BS - funny, she already told him that she was "talking" to my husband for 2 years..only phone calls - poor thing felt "sorry for my husband"...since I was such a horrible person...hahahhah..Funny, she "forgot" to tell her BS - that she was seen entering & exiting a HOTEL ROOM with MY WH....

I let her know that she wasn't the only OP my WH was seeing - she didn't let me know that it bothered her - but, I bet she gave my WH hell for it...That was 4 months ago - I think she's dumb enough to still be "sharing him"..

OW #2 - Basically, same scenerio - kept telling me she doesn't know WHY my WH keeps calling her...I told her about OW - she said she was sorry that I was married to someone like that...bet, she reamed him out too...I did get a reaction when I called and asked for her husband...both her and my WH were upset..I think she's still "sharing him" too..

The rest of the OW aren't important to me at all..Basically, trash...all are married..

It wasn't worth it to me -he's such a good liar (Scott Peterson) that they probably believed him over me and said I was a nut case...and making all this up to wreck his A's....YES I WAS - but, not anymore...

Good luck - just don't expect anything but more lies...

Sigh. Well, at least you got point 4...