Hi, Just wondering how are things with you and your husband! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Myrta

Myrta,

I JUST logged on today and started searching through some posts. I'm sorry I haven't been back in a while!!!!!!

I'm doing okay. Thanks for asking! I'm still going to therapy (by myself). We stopped the MC, and it's up to my H if he wants to continue with his own therapy. The MC helped all it could, I think. He gave us good tips, but it started getting redundant, so we stopped.

Our vacation was nice (I think I posted about it last month). I'm SLOWLY enjoying being with my H again, but it's still very far away from being totally in love with him again!! We're both working on it, but, honestly, we've been very busy with other stuff (work, renovating the house, the kids, holidays...) that we haven't spent TOO much time "dating". But, we're not arguing and he doesn't have that deep, underlying anger anymore. He never did ask me a lot of questions about the A, and he's still very patient with me. For now, we're getting along, and becoming more friendly, and to me, that's the basis of our whole relationship. I've had sex with him again, and it's made him happy, so that's a start. It'll take a LONG time for me to be back in that place again.

How are you and Stanley doing?? Any helpful hints you wanna give me?? LOL.

Hope all is well. I'll check back for you tomorrow! Take care!! Thanks again for asking about me!

CC

CC- Well, it does sound like you are doing better with him. Thats really good.
Maybe its a good thing that you are so busy with other things, it will make time go faster,, all the difficult stages after the affair .
The feelings of love will eventually come back.At least you are not having nasty fights (I am still having them).
You have not heard anything else about the OW?

Take care

Myrta

Myrta,

Sorry that you and Stanley are still having fights. It's probably part and parcel of this whole deal.

I haven't heard ANYTHING from (or about) the OW. As a matter of fact, she stopped posting at all of her usual messageboards, so I have no idea of how she's doing. It bothers me sometimes, but maybe this is a better way to heal (not knowing how she is). I have many unresolved feelings about her, and still wish it ended better. That whole part is still very fresh and upsetting and depressing to me.

I'm on my way to therapy (for me), so I just wanted to leave you with this. Hope things get continually better for you and Stanley. Thanks for your input and for your care.

CC

Hey Myrta??

Just another update... Hope you're doing okay. I've had a good day, but it's ending pretty terribly. I made the GRAVE mistake of trying to reach out to my ex again--just to say that this day is so strange without her presence (it's my birthday). I sent her an email and it got bounced back. I sent it to 2 alternate email addys for her. They got sent back. I sent them from MY alternate email addy. They got sent back. WHY DID I HAVE TO EVEN DO THAT?? I feel so sickened now. It can't be much clearer, that she wants NOTHING to do with me. Not that I'd even WANT her back, but I think that it has to do with acceptance, and I truly miss her friendship.

She's spoiled me SO much for the past few years, making this day so special for me. I felt happy all day. My H went out of his way to make things so great for me, and i appreciated that very much. Then later on it hit me... something was missing... I realized it was her. I felt like I'd get an email, maybe even an apology or just her well wishes. Every time the phone rang, I thought in the back of my head it would be her. What was I thinking????? Why set myself up? She's SO done with me, and it stabs me in the heart every time I re-realize it!

I'm trying to be so grateful for this day. I didn't even deserve the adulation that my H gave to me today. I'm SO blessed in so many ways. I have him, my children, my family, my many friends... They've all gone out of their way to speak to me today. But the more I realized I didn't have *her*, the worse I felt. On top of that, I had a bad stomachache, so I just want this day to end...

Guess I'm not out of the woods yet. When I think I'm doing okay, I'm hitting rock bottom again. How long does this go on?????????? (hope you're doing better than I am!!!!!!)

CC

CC,

It goes on until you realize that you have done to your H what has been done to you. Except that it has been for years. Don't give me the "but I did not leave him" stuff because on a day when he went out of his way you in fact left him yet again. You have in fact left him emotionally years ago and he does know that and I am sure he noticed your actions and demeanor after your attempts to contact OW.

YOu will NOT hit bottom nor will you ever figure this out until you can stop focusing on you and start focusing on what YOU have done...to your H, your family and yes yourself.

It really is that simple.

JL

<small>[ November 17, 2004, 08:59 PM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>

CC- First of,HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Second, that was a bad mistake you did by calling her. You were doing so well, now you are going to go back to day one again.
I can see how you feel, by having all your e-mails blocked by her, but its obvious that she is taking the NC very seriously. Can you accept now, that is really finish,CC?
Go and get some comfort from your husband. I am sorry you are having such a bad ending to your birth day.
Take care and try to remain calm.
Myrta <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Myrta,

Thanks. BTW, I didn't call her, I emailed her. And, it DID hurt to have them bounced back to me. It hurts that there couldn't have been a more civil ending. I suspect it'll hurt for a long time.

JL,

I *am* trying to think of my H, more than I am of myself. I'm not in total-self-absorbed-world, only thinking "woe is me; I've been hurt". I am thinking of how blessed I am to have him, how he still goes out of his way for me, and how I've hurt him. This is now making me feel guilty a lot. Guess that's part of the healing?? I know I have a long way to go. Thanks for the advice.

CC

CC--Yes,I knew you had not called her. I know it was e-mails you sent.
CC- Why keep on hurting for someone that is behaving so mean (in your eyes_)to you?
If she is so mean, say that to yourself. Say"this woman is mean, I also want to stay away from her".
Concentrate in your husband and your children. Your husband has been very patient and nice with you. Be nice to him and inmerse your energies in him.!!

Myrta

Myrta,

VERY good point! In fact, my therapist brought it up this week. She asked me if I was disappointed or mad at my OW for the way she treated me. She said that it still sounds like I'm putting her on a pedistal, and I think she's right. A tiny part of me is upset and hurt over the way my OW treated me in the end, but I can justify it by saying that I did drive her crazy, looking for her, and looking for answers (closure). I'm taking full responsibility for that. She did write me that one time, when she wasn't supposed to, so I know she cared. It was when I went over the edge, and tried to hear from her one more time that made her say all mean things about me. I heard them. I read them. She repeated it to other people and it trickled down to me. It was very hurtful. Was I mad? Yes, but I still loved her and could see why she felt that way, and deep down I still thought she cherished what we had.

Not that it matters at all anymore, but for all of these months I was hoping to hear that it all mattered to her, she cherished it, but she's moved on. KWIM?? If it was somehow acknowledged, I thought I could move on. That's a part of why I've been stuck in this mode. I did, however, get some closure from her. I got some things sent back to me. I should just be able to pick up and move on.

I am unbelievably happy and grateful for my H in all of this. We are growing closer every day, but this is still looming large over my life. I feel guilt and uneasiness ABOUT ME. I try to be plesant and nice, but I know it's not genuine. He just wants to see me truly happy, and I want to be happy for him (and for me). I guess it'll take a long time. I'm trying, in the meantime, to make my life with him "back to normal". We've spent lots of time together, and I have no urgent need to check my mail and to hope I'll hear from my OW daily. All of that is gone. I'm at the stage now where I"m dealing with the outcome--how I could have done this to him; how much I care about him; what it's done to him and to my children, and if it could be repaired. Time will tell.

Thanks for the advice. I hope that things with Stanley are good. I'll come back and read more soon. Take care!

CC

CC- Well, thats good that your therapist also mentioned that to you. These returned e-mails should really give you more closure, and ending for good of what it was, but no longer is.
There is a saying that goes something like{some people come to your life for a reason, and then they leave, others come and stay". Your OW was in your life for a reason that you should know within you, but she was not here to stay,because you already had a life with your husband and your kids, the same with you in her life.
Just see it as a chapter in your life that already passed,is never going to come back.
Keep on working on your marriage and yes, I know, happiness sometimes its hard to achieve, but we must try. It might look not genuine now, but it will eventually become real.
Stanley and I are trying to be happy with each other. There are issues that we have to work on.
He is still extremely hurt for what I did to him, to our marriage, the way I soiled our relationship.
But I hope that eventually it will fade and become less painful and he can truly accept me.
Take Care CC!!
MYRTA <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Myrta,

Thanks again! I'm printing off that last response from you, and I'll try to remind myself of it!! It's hard work, but I guess I knew it wasn't going to be easy.

Good luck to you (and to Stanley). We all have a lot to overcome. Hopefully we'll all find happiness, and even better relationships with our spouses than before. Take care!

CC

CC- Yes, this is a very hard road to recovery. I swear CC, if all WWs knew the hell that all this causes, no one will get themselves into affairs. This is total devastation that we do to our spouses,ourselves and sometimes too to the OPs.
Your OW has moved on, and you should definetely do so too. You were hoping for some kind of positive from her side, but she is obviously not interested. I am sure there was something there, but its finished now.
Lets keep on working in our marriages,our spouses, trying to make them happy and ourselves too.
Good luck!!

MYRTA

Myrta,

You're right. I don't know if I would have done it all again, knowing the pain it's caused for everybody around both me and my OW. We both entered it for a reason. I guess we had needs that were met by each other, and they were important, but it had to end at some point. I'm trying to let it all go, and somehow learn from it and be grateful for some things and move on. I *think* she has done the same, although it still kills me not to know how she's doing. No one will believe me, but I did care and do care about how she's doing, because she was initially my friend. I ruined that friendship by stepping over the line with her, and if I knew that we put that at risk, I don't think I would have done it.

I'm reading about how you're doing on your other posts, and I wish you well too. It IS a hard road, but you sound like you're certainly putting in the time and energy, so I hope you'll both recover. Take care.

CC