I need support badly. I started using this web site in June and read some of the books because my husband seemed distant around March. We've had 4 really bad fights. I've been going through menopause the last 2 years and I know I haven't been easy to deal with. My 11 year old son is ADHD and I have had to put a lot of energy into his school work. My husband & I got together in an affair so ,although it was shocking when I found out 10 days ago that he was having an A with a women in another state, I wasn't that surprised. I have been on antidepressents and added another one. I can't sleep and all I do now is cry. I am so anger and afraid. We were suppose to move into a new house in couple of weeks and I feel like my life is over. I've read everything I can get my hands on. I 've been able to confide in one girlfriend. I am trying to meet his needs, but he says now I am going overboard and why didn't I try to meet his needs sooner. Well, he communicated them so poorly, I've been guessing. I've been down this road before and it is so painful. Even before I found out, I was depressed and had some suicidal thoughts, but know that I would never act on them. My husband has beat me down with his verbal abuse at times. I am financially & emotionally dependent on him. I started seeing a therapist last week for me. I've tried not to bring up anything. I really wanted to call this OW, but after everything I've read here, it doesn't seem like it would do any good. I don't want to push him away, but my love bank in bankrupt and I need reasurance. One minute, I think I can handle it all and the next I am falling apart. Please help me!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Hello Lonely Wife and welcome to MB. I hope you will find a lot of support here. Read as much as you can on this site. I am sure others will come along and post helpful links.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LONELY WIFE:
<strong>I've been going through menopause the last 2 years and I know I haven't been easy to deal with. My 11 year old son is ADHD and I have had to put a lot of energy into his school work.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Rule no. 1: your difficult personality while going through menopause, and your son's ADHD are no excuse for your husband to have an affair. While these things certainly can contribute to the instability of the marriage, they are not an excuse for his choices.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LONELY WIFE:
<strong>My husband & I got together in an affair so ,although it was shocking when I found out 10 days ago that he was having an A with a women in another state, I wasn't that surprised..</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am glad you are not surprised. Your husband showed he was not trustworthy when he engaged in an affair with you many years ago. You did the same. This is not a good way to start out a relationship.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LONELY WIFE:
<strong> I have been on antidepressents and added another one. I can't sleep and all I do now is cry. I am so anger and afraid. We were suppose to move into a new house in couple of weeks and I feel like my life is over...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am concerned for you. Are you in regular contact with your doctor about your medications? You should be experiencing relief in a matter of weeks, not months. Perhaps you need a more thorough evaluation. Please talk with your doctor again. Your life is definitely NOT over and I hate to have you thinking this way because of a chemical imbalance.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LONELY WIFE:
<strong>I've read everything I can get my hands on. I 've been able to confide in one girlfriend. I am trying to meet his needs, but he says now I am going overboard and why didn't I try to meet his needs sooner. Well, he communicated them so poorly, I've been guessing.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have you explained to him that he communicated his needs poorly? Have you taken the EN questionnaire so that you BOTH know what the needs of the other is? Is he still actively engaged in his affair or is it over?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LONELY WIFE:
<strong>I've been down this road before and it is so painful.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you referring to the affair that you and your H had years ago? Or has he been unfaithful to you before this occurrence? If so, how did the two of you deal with previous affair(s)?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LONELY WIFE:
<strong>I started seeing a therapist last week for me.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is good. You do not need to put up with your H's verbal abuse, whether you are dependent upon him or not.

You say you try not to bring up anything... do you mean about the affair? We need to know if it is still going on. Do you think it is?

I hope you'll post some more so we can be of more help. It is sometimes slow around here on the weekends. Hang in there.

~ Snow

I am hoping I can get through this day. I've been waking up every night at 4am obsessing. Last night I woke H up and said I just couldn't stand this pain. We tried to talk. I asked if there had been communication and I knew that she had test messaged him. He confirmed. He told me to "give the women a break!" She's been hurt too! Should I contact her and tell her to stop? Would it make any difference? H says he want to work on the marriage, but when I ask him about his needs he can only tell me "it is a feeling" How am I going to meet his needs if he is not specific as to what they are. This is driving me nuts!! I used to be able to provide him with romantic love feelings. Is he still in the withdrawel stage. Please help with Plan A. I am suppose to move into a new house and I am trying to pack which is stressful enough. I feel like telling him to move away...go to the OW...raise her kids.. BTW(He's 50 and says he had no intention of marrying her)

I would protect your marriage by contacting this woman and telling her to stay away from your man.
I wished my husband would do that to me.