Ok, so here it goes, I have been reading here for over a month, and really need some advice. My husband of 17 years told me last month that he wants to move out. We don't have the finances for that at this point, so he is still here. Well the same time he told me he was leaving 2 days later for the weekend. HE went to disney world with a FRIEND from work. He is a firefighter, and one of the others from his shift... female... they have been hanging out alot together, starting with his birthday in September. He says there is nothing going on, just friends, but yet I do not believe him. The day after he told me his wanted to leave I rented a smaller place for me and our 3 daughters. Didn't think he would be coming with us, well here is his, still with us. He still sees her at work, every shift, hasn't been spending as much time on the phone with her since coming back from disney.
Fast forward to last week, and so far I am not sure he knows that I know about this,... I found a picture of her in his work bag, of her in a fishnet see through dress with nothing under but a gstring, granted she is thinner than I but she hasn't had 3 kids of his either, and she isn't model material either. Anyway, I took the picture and hid it, just waiting for him to ask about that.
Please help, i am sooo confused, don't know what to do.

Hi LIF,

It sounds like your H is probably in an EA if not a PA. Is there anyway he could move to a different station? That way he would be out of daily contact with OW? In the meantime read up on the basic concepts especially plan A. I am sure by tomorrow someone more experienced will be around to help you. Keep posting.

FF

I wish there was a way to get them at seperate stations, however the town they work in only has one station, in january however the town is going to be taken over by the county so there will be many more opportunities for other stations. However he doesn't see there is a problem with hanging out with this female friend, he spends time with her that he could be with us, on his birthday 2 of our daughters were going to a sweet 16 party and the other one was sleeping at her cousins house, so the 2 of us could do something, but he left and went to her house to watch a movie, and she took him out to dinner. I told him whether he is having a pa with her or not he is emotionally attatched to her, and it needs to stop. he has another FRIEND that he has had since 1999, that one is married, and its the same thing. They do not see each other as much now, but I know last year he got a passport and was thinking of going to Equador with her, i had a fit over that, and told him that if he did go, he would not have a home to come home to, not with us anyway. Needless to say he did not go. Now she is there again, and is flying back in 3 days, guess who is picking her up at the airport... not her husband.... MINE. Again he see's nothing wrong with this. Said he has never been physical with anyone other than me, however I do not know if I can believe him anymore.
He has been lying to me about how much money he has, I do not work, as I have taken care of the kids all these years, they are now 13, 14 and 16 and the 2 youngest just went back to school this year after homeschooling for 7 years.
I did find out how much child support and alimony would be should he actually leave, and told him. I also told him that while he is still here I want the child support amount plus 1/2 of all our monthly bills, that way I can pay the bills and have a little bit left over for savings for when he does leave.
I have to go back to school before I can get a job, as other than typing I have no skills. He said he is waiting until I have a steady job before he leaves, so that we will be stable without him around. Honestly I think I will be more stable if he just goes ahead and leaves now, instead of staying here and leaving us in limbo.
I have tried plan A, and it isn't working. Until he sees there is a problem with the EA he is having, there isn't much else I can do.

I am sharing because we have similar stories...
He is definately giving you the "Who me? Cheating? No way!" routine. Yes way! Don't believe a word of it. The problem is he has probably been at this charade for quite some time. Plan A works to a point, but seems like it is now time for some exposure...and keep that picture in a safe place.

Are you ready go on the offensive? If nothing else, call the department and find out who does the "chaplain" duties. Even small organizations have someone assigned to this task, but it may be the chief.

Good luck!

He's havng an affair. Whether it is only an emotional affair or if it is physical, the process for recovery is the same. Click on the link in my signature line for more info, and pay particular attentio to the Plan A links.

<small>[ November 14, 2004, 11:01 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

Thank you for the link John... I am going to print it out and read it. I am so upset right now, he got up and left this morning, in his swim trunks, guess they are going to the beach... we were gonna go to the beach together last week, but it was kind of cloudy so we didn't, of course it is kind of cloudy today too, but off he goes. He told me last night he would be going OUT this morning, but wouldn't say where, guess he thought i would still be sleeping. He doesn't even say bye anymore.

Leean,

I have seen the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass recommended on this forum, I think it would fit in your situation.

Our MC just gave us the book...I already like it from the first chapter! Get it and leave it out for him to see. Hey..it can't hurt <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm wondering...does he ever do any of the kid duties? Sounds like he puts it all on you...

Well last night, after he was gone all day with the girl from work, he asked me if there was going to be much left out of his check this week, I said NO, there are bills to be paid and groceries to be bought. He said he has a place to move to, but needs to get the $$ together to do it. I asked him if I was supposed to cry or what, he said no. I didn't.
Later he called the guy about the apt, he is taking it.
I went in the room where he was watching tv and asked him what his intentions are, he was like when. I said after you move out. Are you goign to work toward reconciliation or are you just looking for the out and head for divorce. He said that since I had told him years ago that I would not agree to a divorce, he had not thought about it, but that he was not looking to come back either. Said we got married very young... we were both 20 and had dated for 3 years, and that we have changed since then. He said we both want different things, I said yeah, I want what is best for the family, and he wants the bimbo of the month. He then said well when you don't get it at home you have to get it somewhere. Let me be the first to say, since I had my hysterectomy 2 years ago, he has never been turned down, prior to that I had many female problems and did have to say no many times. I told him that is the typical cliche' coming from the man having an affair once he is found out.
I am not going to fight for him any longer. He has killed all the love I had for him at this point.
I took another look at the picture that I found.. it is from last year, Fantasy Fest in Key West Florida, big party event every year the week of halloween, nothing but parties, and alot of people walking around with their clothes painted on, if they are wearing clothes at all. I know it was last year, cause upon further investigation his twin brother is in the picture, that was the last time his brother was down here. Guess the atty will love this picture.

As far as the kids go... he has helped alot over the years, but now that they are older and more vocal they are in his way it seems. Our 13 yo can never do anything right as far as he is concerned.
He took our 16 yo to the movies last week, first time in ages, and did drive the 14 yo to her babysitting job the same day, but usually it is me that is doing ALL the running around.