I just told him tonight. I couldn't stand not telling him. He kept going on and on how he was at the dance studio and watched this two married couple were flirting with other people and so glad that we weren't like that.I said that when you retire lets go back into marriage counseling and he said "well let's wait for 60 days during my retirement and see what happens."
So I finally told him. I could watch him walk into this so naively.
I asked him if he wanted to know more but he didn't but just who it is and I told him who OM was. He wanted to know when and I told him about 6 months or so of EA(just on my part) and maybe six weeks of PA. He asked me what that means to me and I told him that I have chosen noncommunication -that I made it such that OM and I have no more communication and that I wanted to be with him. I told him that I wanted to move.
It sucks that I told him at the beginning of the week. He rolled over and didn't want to talk anymore. I asked him if he wanted me to sleep in bed with him or out. He said "Do whatever you want to do." Whatever that means. I have no idea.
I told him "I am sorry. I tried telling you so many times. I thought I had made myself clear. I understand if you don't want to be with me anymore.It's up to you."
He said, " I need to be alone."
I left the room with him in the dark. I am now outside in the living room. The kids are still up and I am helping my oldest get his Kumon math and reading done. My girls are dressing up our dog.
Now I am trying to decide whether or not to tell the children in case Dad's behavior changes tomorrow. Should I wait until talking to Dad before telling the kids? How many of you BS shut down when your ws told you? How many rolled over and said " Leave me alone." I kept telling him "Do you have any questions you want to ask me?" He kept answering "NO."
Well at this point I don't see a chance with this marriage. I really don't. If he is shut down even more than he is already, I might have to leave cause I just can't stand it anymore.

I am at a point that if he wants to kill me while I am sleeping, I don't care. If he kills himself, I am not sure I care either. If he kills OM, I don't care either.

I guess I am not in a good place right now.

Shutting down like this is normal, completely normal. Be thankful he didn’t explode and become, well, physical.

However, he should not hold it all in. Don’t expect him to. The longer he acts disconnected the more work he will have to do later. He needs to avoid creating too big of a bow wave. But, you cannot control this. You should be there for him, but he has to feel it through to the end by himself.

Be sure you do not project your feelings onto him. You have no idea what is going on in his head right now. So don’t judge him by any kind of reaction you think he should have. He is hurt, no matter how withdrawn you think he is acting.

Can you get him to come to MB?

And hugs to you. This will be difficult for a long time. But you are doing the right thing.

T

Thor:
I doubt he will ever go to MB. He doesn't really know how to work the computer. Honestly I had to type everything out when I had surgery -how to check messages, how to work the microwave, how to cook this or that, so getting onto a forum is way beyond him. I have taught him to go on the net and surf.
Knowing him, because I have hurt him if he knew I wanted him to go into MB site, he would not. He is just like this. The reason why I told him so late in night is because I knew he would be too tired to go off.
Well not sure how to proceed at this point. I am here because of the kids right now. They keep me going right now. Tonight I made them a model brain and showed them the different parts of the brain. We are studying the human body right now.

So what should I expect from him and what should I ignore and what should I not ignore?
Should I call him at work? Should I treat things as status quo or not? Again what should i tell the kids?

In full honestly I doubt there will be serious changes in our relationship.

LM,

You have done a very brave thing... I wouldn't tell your kids any of the 'details' about the A. Be honest with them and let them know that you and your H are having some M issues, but they do not need to know all of the gory 'details'.

At some point in time as your children get older, they may have questions... but for now, I would just let them know that you and your H have some M issues.

Your H's reaction seems fairly 'normal' from my perspective. It is very critical for you and your H to find a good pro-marriage MC as soon as you can and start going... The boards here are a great place, but they in no way should take the place of professional MC...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

I am at a point where I feel I don't want to make the effort to go searching for a MC until I hear and see him make the effort. In the past it has always been me making the calls, setting up the appts and dragging him to it only for the counselor tell us that it seems like you two are doing great after my husband spent the whole hour sugar coating everything and denying that anything was wrong and making excuses for everything that is wrong in our relationship. It is always the finances, the kids, the house, the work, the sleep deprivation --the whatever. If he doesn't want to work it out, why should I put the effort again into it?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by laundry mistress:
<strong> I am at a point where I feel I don't want to make the effort to go searching for a MC until I hear and see him make the effort. In the past it has always been me making the calls, setting up the appts and dragging him to it only for the counselor tell us that it seems like you two are doing great after my husband spent the whole hour sugar coating everything and denying that anything was wrong and making excuses for everything that is wrong in our relationship. It is always the finances, the kids, the house, the work, the sleep deprivation --the whatever. If he doesn't want to work it out, why should I put the effort again into it? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It does take two to rebuild the M... Hopefully, your confession to your H will be a 'wake-up' call for him.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

I've read your posts, and the one thing that strikes me is that you are really, really, pissed with your H, and you obviously want to punish him. Of course, the best way is to use passive-agressive techniques to put him in charge, and then be upset if he doesn't do what you think he ought to.

Why are you so angry with your H? Why do you want to punish him, as you have been? I think your A was to punish him, ultimately. "Oooh, you showed him! He's disposable, and if he doesn't shape up, he's outta here!"

Now, he even has to go through this process according to your schedule.

Bottom line, if you are going to want him to forgive you for this, you are going to have to forgive him for whatever past transgression that you are hanging on to. But, personally, I don't think you want to. I think you want him to end the M, be the "bad guy", the miserable sob who practically drove you to your A and then couldn't accept his responsiblity in it.

So, you win. He's the b*stard, he's the unforgiving one. He's the disposable one.

Maybe Uphill you are right.
I will have to think about why I am so angry at him. I mean I love my family and I love having a family and playing the role and everything but do I love him. I don;t know.
Perhaps I am angry that he married me. What 21 years old would honestly be married to a 48years old man? Especially after her father gives him $50,000 to be married to his unwed daughter who just gave birth to her "[censored] [censored] child". Or when her father tells her that no man will ever want to marry a woman who is a single mother of a "[censored] [censored] child." Furthermore my father told me that he told everyone that I died in a car accident.
Who knows maybe that is why I am so angry.
In terms of wanting out of the marriage. You're right I never I wanted to get married but circumstances led to it and I really wished my husband saw that then. Right now I have three kids. Been married for 10 years and feel like I tossed my life away when I married him.

He tells me all these years there is nothing wrong to being married to someone that could be your daughter yet he would never allow his daughters to be married to someone twice their age. I am just wondering...if the roles were switched around could I marry a man 26 yrs younger than me...no way. I don't think I could. I would feel that I would be robbing his youth. I have asked my husband about this and he never had that cross his mind. My husband has never been married before and never had kids before me yet there was a woman who proposed to him but he turned her down cause she wasn't his type-not attracter to her and was "old."
Perhaps we used each other all these years. I used him for stability and a father for my son and he used me as something that keeps him young.

Nonetheless we have made it last this long now. So how can we make it work for the kids? Cause it is always the kids who have to pay the price of the stupidity of the adults.

yes another reason why I might be angry with him is how he allowed his family to treat me all these years. How he allowed his alcoholic b+++++ sister to verbally disrespect me.....how he allowed his family to treat me like trash that he picked up off the ground. Which he actually did in a way.

found my husband's gun. He didn't lock it up.

my question is how do you work this thing?

first of all LM you put the bloody gun down and stop talking crap girl.

You don’t play with guns and you treat everyone as loaded, And what would it do to improve the situation? Your kids won’t be better off will they?

Its easy to run away and hide LM, I want to do it on a regular basis. What you are feeling what your H is feeling are all normal for immediate aftermath, do not let the your emotions rule your actions now. You simply need to let things go a bit right now, there is nothing to do but let things settle for a day or so and be there for your kids.
If your H wants to talk he will talk, if he doesn’t then you can’t make him.

LM you need a IC and a MC for YOU and hopefully for your H too. There are a lot of issues to go through and you have to start somewhere!!

YOU can DO this LM.

I know your circumstances are different from so many, but you have made a go of it for 10 years and that’s no mean feat!!
You have children now. They require your total love & commitment no matter what & I’m sure you have that in buckets.
It’s a horrible and depressing time LM and if you need to have AD’s then make sure you go get them!!

Don’t let the circumstances control you any longer LM, pick yourself up, brush of the despair of the moment and get through each day one at a time.

There will lots of your friends here at MB to help you along.

LM I agree with AW and hide the gun ASAP.

I am very sorry for the bad treatment you received from your racist father <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> and your alcoholic SIL but just like your affair, you can't change the past and you must concentrate on making the future better with or without your BH. If you can't make peace with your past, you are going to be forever chained to it.

You said that your affair was basically a PA because your H's libido is in the toilet. This is not surprising for men his age because the levels of testosterone drop significantly and they end up affecting a man's desire for sex. If you get a chance to talk with your H you may want to consider bringing this subject up.

Yes LM please listen to TMCM on this. Look I know NOW is not the exact time to worry about this BUT if your H saw a doctor - a male one I suggest because he probably wouldn't go to a female one, he can get pills to help this. It is no longer a great problem LM and sometimes even diet is the key!!.
My Dad did it and as he grins now, I reckon hes been happy since then!!.

LM, like AW said, your H should go see a doctor to have his testosterone/estrogen ratio checked out. Women are not the only gender that go through hormonal changes during their lifetime. We guys in our 40's not only have to contend with a lower libido but ED [erectyle disfunction] as well. The latter has been helped with the introduction of drugs like Viagra, Levitra and Cialis but the former is barely getting enough attention because there is the prevailing myth that men, no matter what their age, want sex all the time. Today men with low levels of testosterone can receive hormone therapy and safely increase their levels up to where their desire for sex returns. But he needs to know about this and who better to inform him of it than you, his W.

LM,

did you talk more today?

LM,

My W is also a lot younger than me, so maybe I can understand a little. Probably almost everything is different.

First, about the stupid gun. Get rid of it. Call the police and tell them you have a gun you don't want and they will find a way for you to turn it in for disposal. In your state of mind and your H's state of mind, it's too high a risk to keep it around. Sure, H might be angry about it - cause it costs money etc. but it's not worth the risk.

REMEMBER YOUR CHILDREN. You are the center of their world. If you think "they'll be OK without me", it is garbage. Sorry to put it so bluntly. If you screw this up - trying to find "the easy way out", you will screw them up for life. You don't have the luxury of doing that. Wouldn't you go hungry so that your kids could eat - if you had to? Sure you would. Right now, you've got to live through this - suffer through this - so that they can be protected from the collapse of their world.

Hey, LM, we care about you (in our own disembodied internet way)! Keep posting. Take it one hour at a time - one day at a time. You have done a very hard thing - to confess to your H. He's going to be in pain for a long time. Stick with him. Hurt often leads to anger, but it can all pass with time and committment.

Keep us posted, please!

-AD

I have reported this thread to the moderators. I am worried because Laundry Mistress' last posts dealt with how to work a gun.