Hello all.

I've been reading here for a few weeks now, and this by far seems to be the most concentrated group of people that have been through an A. Anyway here is my story. I'll sorry if it's long.

I am a BS (Husband) who has been married for 8 years and have 3 great kids, 5, 3, 1.5 years of age. The wife and I got married at a young age. I did 4 years in the Marines and thought that if we could get through that we could last through anything. Anyway it's the same story, the ups and downs and stuff like that but I never would have thought about her having an A. I could have done it lots of times in different countries but I didn't do it. Well after the last child, he was kind of a tough one, we decided no more and we'd then work on raising kids. My wife and I have been having the normal arguements about life, housework, kids, stuff like that. She said that I always nagged her about cleaning and groceries. I guess I did but that is only because I was doing the outside of house, inside, working 40 hours, going to school, and watching kids on my days off. Meanwhile on her days off she'd take the kids to the park or some place else. It seemed that she just wanted to have fun and not the responsibilities of being married, at least that's how I felt.

We only have a few days off together a week and I'm sure that didn't help. Lately, since March, she had been going out with her girlfriend to clubs downtown while I stayed with the kids, but she always told me that she didn't dance with any guys! I never wanted to be the controlling husband so I never told her she couldn't go out. Anyway her girlfriend just divorced her husband (we used to hangout together as couples) because she wasn't happy and is now seeing a boyfriend.

So then D-Day, I went to the club to surprise her ( I admit that I was a little suspicious but I thought I was being paranoid) and found her dancing, kissing, grinding with OM. Of course big arguement between her and I, and the she's been so neglected...

We are now in counseling and she says that she needs space to find out who she is and what she wants. Meanwhile she still goes out to clubs and is staying out all night and doesn't come back till the next afternoon. I have seen her car parked at another person's house at night. I have no proof that she isn't sleeping with him, but I have a gut feeling.

Question , why the counseling if she's still going out and doesn't seem to care about me?

Please help.

native,

Welcome! I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

You'll get a lot of good advice here. I'm relatively new at this myself, but...it seems to me that you have to insist that your wife end all contact with the OM and stop going out with her friends. If she's serious about the marriage...she'll take that first step.

Try to keep your negative emotions in check as much as possible. That's hard to do, but...it's an important key.

Do you know anything about the OM? Is he married? Is there more than one guy?

Hello,

I am sorry for your pain. You would have to be in major denial to not believe she is sleeping around. She goes to clubs and you see her kissing another guy. She goes out and does not come home until the next afternoon? You see her park her car overnight at another person's place? How could you not think otherwise. She is living a singles life and putting your health at great risk. How do you think she would be acting if the roles were reversed? Do you think she would accept this the way you have been accepting this?

You need to contact an attorney and protect yourself. You judge a person by their actions and her actions speak volumes. Apparently there are no consequences to her actions. You see her cheating on you and she continues to go out and not come back until the next afternoon. The message is that you accept this behavior. This is ridiculous. Again you need to see an attorney and protect yourself and your children. Her behavior is totally disrespectful and humiliating to you. You deserve better than this. I wish you luck.

Thanks, I don't know much about the OM I believe he is a single guy but don't know for sure. I know where he lives I think (he lives in a trailer park on a lot on a street!!) After the first week we had a talk one night and she said she was getting angry and felt trapped. Then her girlfriend called and so she started to get ready to go out. She asked if she could go, I said NO, and was getting teary. She said that she was feeling trapped and couldn't talk to me. She asked if there was anything that she could say that would make it better I said No. Since then she has been on this "separation, to find myself" thing and goes out on Friday night. I've asked her who he was and she said she didn't know, but I know she's lying. She won't stop going out. She continually lies to the MC. He can't even get her to admit the affair.

I am not nieve, I do think that she is sleeping with him I just don't have any hard proof. I have a private detective (which is how I know where OM lives) and am building proof for the divorce. I don't want it to happen and trying to do Plan A but it doesn't seem to be doing anything. I don't know what I did.... and she won't stop going out.

OK, settle down. She's reading the script right out of the WS hand book. In other words, "they" all do pretty much the same things, say the same things and react in the same way.

Purchase a copy of Surviving an Affair and read it cover to cover. Then go back and read about Plan A and Plan B, and understand what they mean. Go into Plan A immediately.

I'd suggest you go ahead with the PI, and get all the evidence you Might need in court, but instead, use that info for your confrontation. Make sure you read HOW to confront in SAA. There is a right way and a wrong way to do these things, and if you do it "by the book" you can eliminate some of the heartbreak, and damage you can do to your chances of saving the marriage.

There are many of us here who have stood in your shoes, and know exactly what you are going through, and have survived this ordeal.

The first thing to know, it that all of this is going to take a huge amount of effort on your behalf, and even more patience than effort. Discovering, confrontation, exposure, reconciling and recovery will take pretty close to a couple of years.

All of this is no guarantee that you can change her. There is a guarantee that you will become a stronger individual, and you'll know more about how to keep a marriage from being vulnerable to an affair.

By the way, I did the same as you, all the "outside" stuff, thinking all the inside stuff was "hers" to do. I now do half the shopping, some of the cooking, some of the laundry, most of the dishes, and all of the vacuuming. Part of Plan A is permanent, positive change. I asked her to agree to spending more time with me on "dates" and outings, since "she" didn't have to do all the housework anymore.

Time to rethink your approach. Do you want to be "right" or do you want to be married? Keep posting here for support, and we'll help you through this!

Best wishes,
SD

Thanks SD.

I know what your saying the stuff she is telling me sound so cliche. It's exactly what the WW tells themselves to justify there actions.

I'm prepared for the reconciliation and realize this will take for a long time. I have ready many articles and posts. The first thing that is advised is getting the affair to END, before any healing can be done. I will gladly burn the evidence I gather if we can work it out. My MC also has warned me about the confrontation. To due it from a point of expressing my feelings and not angry or blaming, cuz that will only push her away.

How do you find the strength to do plan A while everything is still going on? A lot of posts are doing plan A after NC with OM.

How do you get the images burned out of your mind of what's going on physically?

I think you misread me... I'm not a barbarian that thinks the wife should be barefoot and pregant in the kitchen. I did the outside AND the inside. I did 4 years in the Marine Corps, I know how to clean and frankly don't care about it. She has never been the type, and I knew that going into the marriage, so I guess that's my fault for thinking she'd change. We have done a few things together since then as part of a family and it's like nothing is wrong. As soon as we're alone... coldness.

You find the strength to do this in your love for your wife.

Part of Plan A is to help end the affair. You just do it. You need to learn to force yourself to "emotionally detach" from the "fog" she is now living in. When she says or does terrible things, realize she's in a fog. We often refer to Wayward Spouses as temporarily insane, which they truly are, or as alien abductee's, whose brains are now programmed from a mothership circling the earth.

Get the book, read it immediately, as it will give you all the dynamics about affairs, and the path to follow to get it to end, and how to proceed in rebuilding a better marriage.

I think you misread me... I'm not a barbarian that thinks the wife should be barefoot and pregant in the kitchen. I did the outside AND the inside

THAT is a topic that may have manifested into what Harley calls Love Buster's. Things along those lines call for POJA, a policy of joint agreement, between spouses. But hey, if I tell you everything here, you won't read the book!

You can do this!

SD

Thanks SD, I can't tell you how much this site has helped me during this past month and a half! I have also been in contact with her mother and our pastor at church. They both say love her inspite of what she is doing to you. Some days I can other I can't as I'm sure you know. I tell myself that she doesn't love me anymore so the pain will go away. Even if it's only for a day.

I know I have given out some LB's I am the first to admit that I am not perfect... but then again I don't know how anyone here can say that the things they have done deserve an A by there spouse.

I will go online to see if I can find SAA.

Thanks!

Your story sounds incredibly like mine. About 4 years ago I took a job promotion that included a relocation. I have 4 young kids, currently 10, 10, 7 and 5. I know I took my wife for granted and ignored her emotional needs. She started going out on "girls night out' with her friends - one who was recently divorced. I knew my marriage was suffering and rededicated myself to restoring my relationship with my wife. This was about a year after the relocation. I was using the book "What Every Woman’s Desires" as my bible. We were seeing a marriage counselor but my wife felt it caused more harm than good. I was putting my heart and soul into our relationship for over two years. However, the harder I tried the further she pushed me away.I begain seeing a counselor on my own. My counselor said that she strongly believe my wife was having an affair. My counselor was right. Unknown to me, my wife met an unmarried man who she was having an affair. She met this guy at a "girls night out" at a bar. This physical and emotional affair lasted for over 3 years. I suspected this for quite a while but had no "proof" and was frightened of the consequences of confronting her. About three months ago I found proof positive of the affair - love letters, pictures..ect. I was crushed. I confronted my wife and she admitted to the affair - how could she not with the evidence I had found. I begged her to forgive me for neglecting her and not giving her the love and attention she deserved. She had broken off the physical part of the relationship about 6 months previous but was still emotionally involved with this unmarried man. My wife said she was sorry and wanted to make our marriage work.

I am again working hard at rebuilding our marriage. I believe my wife loves me, but I can tell she is struggling. She shows little affection towards me, never initiates physical contact, and I believe she blames me for "pushing" her into the affair. She maintains contact with her ex-lover and keeps his love letters, cards and photos. This is almost more than I can withstand. I have told her so but she said she just can't severe contact with her ex-lover.

We were seeing a counselor but after 90 minutes of counseling he basically said that we both knew what we had to do and our expectations of marriage were basically congruent. I was shocked. During the two sessions my wife hardly said a thing. I admitted my fault in our difficulties and my responsibilities but she only said she was looking for the emotional support that I didn't provide.

Despite all of this I love my wife. I will fight for her and endure anything to prove my love to her. If she walks away then I know that I will have done everything possible to save our marriage. It is the most painful experience of my life. I have put my ego, pride and self-respect aside. There are days when I just don't want to go on any more. I want my wife to be happy. She is a great person, despite the affair. If that means it is with her ex-lover then so be it.

My recommendation if you still love your wife. Give it your all until you can't give it anymore. You owe it to your family and yourself.

I've been reading some other posts and was wondering... what is the consensus on confronting the OM?

There's a whole thread on "confronting the OP" on the General Questions category. There's some heavy hitters over there posting, and you will get a huge amount of opinions on the topic there.

SD

Wow jedwards you and I are the same... I don't know how long she has been seeing the OM. She still hasn't admitted it, I'm thinking about confronting her about the fact that I know she is still seeing him. I have to wait a few more weeks until I am financially ready for the worst. I am committed to Plan A and am doing my best at it. I do want this to work but also want to confront both my WW and the OM.

Just a reminder that there is a right way and a wrong way to confront. Read SAA, and consult folks here before you do it. It will save you time and pain down the stretch!

SD

Yes SD, I just got done reading one of the posts, in fact I think it came from you. About how to approach the OM. Doing it calmly and rationally that way you contradict all the things that my WW has probably told him. Like I'm cold and unfeeling. I know he knows that she has kids because when I caught him in her car with her the kid seats were in the back.

With a young single guy though (my wife and I are only 27) I don't think he'll care one bit what I have to say...

It's better to use the phone or e-mail than to confront in person. You never know when tempers may flare up, and, who knows, the kid may lead a lifestyle where he feels a need to pack a weapon.

I called the OM on 3-4 occasions, and calmly asked himself to remove himself from my W's life, so we could work on our marriage. In one of the calls I let him know I was well connected around town (ver true), and if he didn't want trouble from me to back off (also very true). In looking back, he could have pressed charges against me for what I said. He never contacted my FWW, but she kept the fantasy that he WOULD, in her head for 6 months. Don't tell me addiction aren't POWERFUL!

Remember, they are as IN THE FOG as your WS about the "fantasy built" relationship they are in, and the single guys have little to lose. Keep yourself sane and safe. Harley generally recommends against contact with the OP.

SD

SD, so basically all I have is Plan A. Her mother already knows and they aren't really talking much because her mother knows what kind of man/father I was to her and the kids. I can't talk to the OM. We are going to a MC, but he can't get her to admit the A, even though I have no hard proof other than she stays the night at a strange house. She is in this "finding myself and I don't know what marriage is anymore" stage. Everyone says that Plan A is hard and takes patience, I just wish I had some other options to explore. I also should add that I and others are praying daily and I have changed my spiritual life around because of this (too bad it took this to get me back into church).

Please don't underestimate the power of Plan A. There are many people who have done the work, who are actively working on recovery as a result of Plan A.

And Plan A is not "just" to get your wife back. It's to make you a stronger, more introspective individual, who has made positive changes to be a better spouse in a marriage. It also sets you up perfectly for Plan B, where you go "dark" and stop meeting any of the WS's needs. But you are way to early in the "game" for Plan B.

If you can find an easier way out, God Bless, but in reading thousands of posts here in the last 11 months, I've not heard of the magical pill you are looking for.

You don't have to do anything at all. But won't you feel better moving forward in you life knowing in your heart you've done everything in your power to save this marriage with a woman you gave your heart to?

If you choose to do this, you'll have lots of support from these forums. The book, SAA, will give you the knowledge. All you have to add is the heart.

Good luck
SD

Thanks SD, I wasn't meaning that I didn't want to continue with Plan A which I've been trying on my own for about 2 weeks. I was just wondering if there was anything else I could be doing that could either help stop the A that is still going on or do something else proactive. Thanks for all the helpful tips... I've been reading your posts to others as well! One other question. I read Plan A many times on the home page. I was wondering as the BS that is doing plan A and meeting all the WW needs, does it seem to the WW that the BS is just changing now to try and do a "bait and switch" (from a different thread). Besides the fact that Plan A can go on for 3-6 months, is there a way to prove that I'm not just doing the work for the short time? I'm sure that's was she thinking now as I've been trying to do Plan A for about 2 weeks.

The only thing you can do to prove it's not a bait and switch, is keep all your positive changes in place. Cool, calm, loving consistancy, totally free of Love Busters, and full of filling the W's EN's whenever you have the chance, without being overbearing.

Remember, words will mean nothing or very little to your WW right now. Actions will speak volumes.

I'd hold off on the I LOVE YOU's for a while. Just show her that your love is real, unwavering and give her a "safe" place to return.

I know it's a tall order, and it takes a while to get the knack of it, but you'll find it's worthwhile.

Best Wishes
SD

Thanks SD! I was also wondering, I've been reading about exposure from you and many others. Most are saying bring it to light so the A can die. Well she knows that I have caught her kissing OM at the club (D-day) and that I may be following her. Should I tell her that I found her car at his place, I have a PI getting pics? Won't that only push her farther away? Again she is in the state of "I don't know what marriage is" or should I just keep doing Plan A any thought anyone?