My H,who had an EA lasting almost two years and was discovered in Sept99 finally admitted he was depressed after I got him some Prozac and he felt a world of difference after only two weeks. Before I got him to take the meds,he was adamant that he WAS NOT depressed. He thought he was miserable in the marriage and blamed the marriage for all the bad feelings he felt. He now says he thinks he had been depressed for 3-4 YEARS and OW made him feel good about himself. He says he could justify it all because he couldn't see what it was doing to us (compartmentalized it?). Now, his depression was not the typical can't get out of bed,always sad mood sort of thing that most people expect depression to be. It was irritability to the extreme,withdrawl from friends and family and of course me,loss of ability to function sexually on occasion and just a feeling of not "being happy". My question for betrayers and betrayeds... How many of the betrayers here (speaking for yourselves,or their spouses here speaking for them)can say their affair was an attemp to self medicate depression?

My wife has spoken of nothing but depression since I found out about her budding affair. She has been very moody, abrasive towards her family and short with most people. The OM made her feel good about herself and her abilities as a writer. Maybe depression is a big key with a lot of betrayers, it was in her case.

Hey Guys,<P>I don't know If Val is suffering from depression, but, I know the stress of the situation has caused her to develope a large ulcer that may need surgical intervention if the meds can't control it. <P>She has had to endure one endoscopy [little TV camera down the throat into the esophagus and stomach] and will be scheduled for another in a few weeks to see if there is progress or improvement in the tissue surfaces.<P>She always seems, repeat seems, upbeat when she calls. Things can't be all rosey in her life if the stress she is going through is enough to cause such damage.<P>I feel bad for her, but, she has the option to return to work on the marriage.<BR><P>------------------<BR>"It's not over till we say it's over! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? H*ll no!" Blutto...Animal House 1984<P>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic<P>

I am certain my H has been depressed for about four years, gradually getting worse. His affair started a little over a year ago, shortly after my nephew was murdered. He showed all the symptoms you mentioned - I have read that irritability and withdrawal are more common in depressed men than is the can't get out of bed sort.

I'm sure my H was depressed, as well as angry (at me as well as life's unfairness). We had experienced the loss of our second child, which greatly effected him, then two miscarriages. His affair started between miscarriages. Men in our society get NO help or support in dealing with their grief or depression, and they grieve in their own way (differently from women). Men are taught to hold it all in and "be strong". If he had gotten help sooner.... ALAS!!<BR>

MTHRRBRD -- You have described my H to a tee. However, he still has not gotten therapy or meds. Now that I'm gone, though, he does realize that I was not the root of his unhappiness. He is even more miserable now than he was before I left. I think she must have dumped him as well, because there has been no OW for months now.

My ew never took anti-deps till she was living with om. My and her complaint was that she was unhappy. She tells me, not very convincingly, that she has found happiness. <P>She said she was unhappy with me but the truth is she is always unhappy. She says she is better with the anti-deps but since I'm not around her I couldn't say for sure.<P>------------------<BR>"You can't always get what you want! But if you try real hard,you might just find, you get what you need!"<BR>Mick Jagger<P>

Jenny<BR> Yes,it's so sad that men are expected to limit their expressions of grief. That emotion gets stored up and turns into who knows what years later. When our disabled son was born I know he was devestated but had no idea of how to express any of what he was feeling. He ended up withdrawing and feeling like a failure.<P>Janie<BR> They do figure out that it is not WE who are the root of their unhappiness once there is a separation. My H too was miserable on his own. Two months was all he could take and he was here every weekend and several nights a week most times. He had to drive past our exit on the freeway to get where he was living(God planned that one!)and was unable to drive "past" us on many occasions. It just takes some of them longer to figure it out than others. Some people just have to p*ss on the electric fence before they get it!