Here goes - My husband and I have been married for almost 7 weeks (we got married on our 1-year anniv.). My best friend is a male and I had him in the wedding (as an usher). My husband expressed his dislike for this and I ignored it and told him he was acting silly, "he is only a friend." My “friend” came into town and things only got worse from there. I didn't see it at the time - but it is almost like he was trying to stop the wedding. Multiple things occurred and multiple arrows are pointing at my “friend”, but no hard evidence. After our wedding my husband and I sat down to talk about some of the situations that had occurred and we realized that this guy didn't view me as a friend, he saw us as more and he was only there to ruin our wedding. So I cut off at communication with him. My husband is VERY upset that I ignored his wishes and still had this guy in our wedding. I really hurt my husband and all I am able to do is apologize - but that doesn't seem to be enough for him. He constantly brings up the topic and not just at home where ever and when ever he feels like it. It is his way of "helping me feel the pain I put him in." He says things like he knows I want to be with this guy - I should divorce him and be with my “friend” - and many other things. But the statement he uses the most is "You know that you want to be with him - you know you love him, just admit it." Which is completely not true.
About 2 weeks ago I was sitting at my computer and a thought popped into my head, is it only friendship that I felt for this guy or was it more? I am not blaming my husband for this, but after hearing that I want to be with this other guy for 6 weeks I guess my mind decided to evaluate that thought. I realize that it was more than friendship, but I don't want to be with this guy. I know this sounds crazy: The feeling was more than friendship - but not a romantic feeling. I just dismissed this thought. I love my husband very, very much and don't want to be with any other man.
This past Saturday night we got into yet another fight about my “friend” and our wedding. Not even thinking I told my husband about my feeling that I have had a few weeks ago. Well, as you can imagine this sent him over the edge. He is very upset with me (and I cannot blame him). He says that his head is telling him to leave me and his heart is telling him to stay. Today he went to a doctor to hopefully get some medication that will help him calm down. He can’t sleep at night, can’t eat, and can’t stop thinking about this. It is really bothering him because for 6 weeks he has been convinced that I want to be with this other guy and now that this had happened he won’t listen or believe anything I have to say. He is also convinced that I have always known about my feelings and I have just been stringing along both guys and since he hasn’t worked in over a year I’ve decided that I would rather be with this other guy. Obviously I don’t care about my husband bringing in money – he didn’t have a job when we met and still doesn’t have one today.
I have called a counselor for us to go see, but my husband says that is was not him who messed up, it was me and why should he have to go see someone when he has done nothing wrong. But he also swears that I will not tell the counselor the truth – that I will make it look like he is the bad guy. I know that I messed up – I vowed to be with only my husband (both physically and mentally). I have hurt my husband more than I thought possible and I don’t know what to do.
If anyone has any suggestions for me please help. I don’t want to loose my husband – he is the most important thing in the world to me!!!

It takes two to repair the marriage no matter how "young" it might be! I am trying to put myself in your husbands shoes. I can understand why he was so upset. Does he know you stoped talking to this friend? Or did you simply stop talking with this friend?

Here are the two articles I can think of to read:
The Policy of Radical Honesty
The Policy of Joint Agreement

The only thing I can think of is asking him what is his plan for "fixing" the marriage?

<small>[ November 16, 2004, 06:55 PM: Message edited by: Listener48 ]</small>

Sacred,

I'm sorry about the situation you are in. It's a hard one, I know.

I think what you need to do is to work overtime to make your husband feel special. Right now, he feels like your second choice.

Be patient with him. Be constant and open in your love for him. And, most of all, be HONEST. Find out what makes HIM feel loved, and do those things.

Your feelings for the other guy are just that - feelings. You CHOSE your husband. He needs to recognize that. ANd..he needs to work with you to build a healthy, long-lasting marriage.

ScaredWife

Sorry for what you both are going through. I am sure your H is hurt but you seem like you really do want to rebuild things.

One thing that stands out is that your H has not had a job in a year? What is the reason for this? So much of what we are as males depends on our jobs and careers. Right or wrong people judge us by what we do and I can tell you when I did not have a job I felt worthless. Being without a job was the worst I have ever felt about myself.

He probably is having self-esteem issues since he is not working. He probalby looks at your friend and thinks friend is a better man since he is working. Your H it sounds like needs to step up and get a job and start feeling better about himself.

If there is a reason why he is not working then I appologize. I just know from the male point of view it is very hard on us when we do not provide for our loved ones.

Good luck to you!

Thank you for your responses so far!!! They have helped me get another viewpoint.

Yes, my H knows that I have stopped talking with my "friend". He know that I have deleted his number from our phones & palm pilots and deleted his email at home and work. But in this world that my H has created - he swears I still talk with the guy. Which the last time I had contact with him was at our wedding. I'm not sure what to do so my H will believe me.

My H hasn't had a real job due to the fact he is borderline bi-polar. He has medicine that he will take every now and then. I don't know that much about bi-polar and I have done some research regarding it, but my H isn't that open about how it effects him personally so I still have a hard time understanding it. A good friend of ours has told me that her bi-polar father will always create a negative, no matter how positive a situation is. So I know that this is a huge hill that my H (and I) need to over come. He does have a job that he should be starting next week with his brother. I am very proud of him and can’t wait for him to start because like DadandHusband said he probably feels a little worthless. The only down fall of this job is that it is 2 hours away. He will stay with his parents during the week and come home on the weekends. So on top of this issue we will have the distance issue to deal with as well. But I am hoping that with him working it will help his self-confidence.

Again – Thank you for your views to my issue. Your words have helped me.

ScaredWife,

It's not too late to fix this - and you are making some of the right moves.

I've been married almost 6 years and my wife never let go of a guy she was interested in and it still plagues us every day. If she had done what you are doing it would have helped enourmously.

But... you can go further.

Put together a "no contact letter" (NC letter). There are some tips on this web site. Work on it together with your H. Write in it something like this...

"Dear OtherGuy,
I have come to understand that you intended to interfere between me and my husband. Because of this, I am cutting off all contact with you for the rest of my life. I wish you well, but I very much love my husband and I want to live happily with him - and grow old with him. You have hurt us both by your behaviour. Any contact between us is harmful to my marriage and painful to my husband. Please do not contact me in any way. There is no need to reply to this letter.
Mrs. John Smith"

Now, about your H moving to work 2 hours away.

Why don't you go with him? This is your chance to let him know that you will sacrifice whatever you have to - to be with him every day. If you have to quit your job - take a leave of absence, rent a place half-way and both of you drive... do whatever you can to avoid that separation right now. It is a very bad time for that. You are husband and wife. Stick together like your life depends on it.

If you quit your job, and depend on him for income while you look for another in the place where his work is - it will force him to produce - to pay the way for you both until you find a job - and it will make it very clear to him what your priorities are.

-AD

<small>[ November 17, 2004, 01:43 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>