Update: To "Need Advice, Badly. Marriage in Danger!!"


Okay, haven’t been able to find “Surviving an Affair” at the bookstore yet. But, I did buy “His Needs, Her Needs” and have found it to be very helpful. It makes so much sense. As it turns out, I’ve already been applying the principles discussed in the book as a result of our marriage counseling. She has responded favorably. She seems very happy with me and behaves like a woman in love who is completely fulfilled by her marriage and home life. The needs that are important to a woman that Dr. Harley discusses are being met, to the best of my knowledge. We get along tremendously well. I see the look of adoration for me in her eyes. I know there’s not an issue of sexual attraction between us. She tells me all the time how sexy she thinks I am, and I’m always doing the same for her. It’s almost like what you would expect in a new romance with all the touching and affection between us. But, the emails between them still persist. I opened her email yesterday (11/16/04) and found two from him. In one, she even tells him how wonderful she and I are getting along. Apparently they talk quite a bit on the phone because she is assuring him it’s okay to call her on her cell phone, which she sometimes shares with her teenage daughter. The tone of the emails seems to be heating up with excitement, mostly on his part. Based on that, I can only assume that their phone conversations are on the steamy side. I can see where this is leading to a PA. The most disturbing part is in his email, he is wanting her to get free for a few hours sometime during the weekend of December 10 under the pretext she is going Christmas shopping. He says his wife is going to New York and he could drive to town and get a room so they can, and I quote, “l_ck, s_ck, kiss, and f_ck” (you fill in the blanks). I found another email from him this morning (11/17/04). It’s the same thing about meeting up the weekend of Dec. 10, 11, and 12. He wants her to let him know which day works best for her. She also mentioned to me last night about her intention to go Christmas shopping the second week of December. Coincidence? To me it looks like a plan coming together.

She and I have our own plans this weekend for a romantic getaway at a bed and breakfast. She has been so excited and looking forward to it for weeks. But, I’m sick at the pit of my stomach right now after reading these emails. I don’t know how I can go through with a passionate night of lovemaking and romance with my wife knowing that she’s deliberately trying to deceive me. He is just as excited about our getaway weekend as she is and tells her he can’t wait to hear all the sexy, erotic details. He also wants her to take erotic pictures for her to send him. I’m getting the feeling our getaway is just being staged for their enjoyment.

We will return from our getaway on Sunday. The kids will be gone. If she has not deleted the emails by then (and I will know), I will use that as an opportunity to confront her in a way that doesn’t reveal that I’ve been reading her emails. I will request that she open her email in front of me. I will offer to do the same for her. I have nothing to hide. But, this is going to put her in a very compromising position. This is going to turn everyone’s world upside down, especially her children. I’m dreading this so much.


What the hell is she doing? How can she do this? How can she be so loving toward me and deceitful at the same time? Obviously she’s doing this because this is what she wants. Even if I intervene and foil their rendezvous, I have to consider the possibility that this will just frustrate her and she will just resent me for it. Even after it’s brought out into the open, all she has to do is go further underground to continue with her deceit. So, how can I ever trust her again? This is a 49-year-old woman behaving like a damn kid. Her actions clearly demonstrate her lack of respect and commitment for me and our marriage, as well as her readiness and willingness (eagerness) to commit adultery after only 13 months of marriage. This is breaking my heart, I’m hurting so much inside because I see no choice but to divorce her. Because without trust what’s the point? I can’t think too clearly right now. Can someone please tell me what to do?

<small>[ November 17, 2004, 04:44 PM: Message edited by: mrh52 ]</small>

Have you checked the library for a copy? I know you're hurting. Please stick with us. Don't make any decisions about your M yet. Read as much as you can. The people here are great.

I can't read the book at home, for obvious reasons. My only opportunity to read is during my lunch break at work. Under the circumstances I don't have much time left to take action. What am I supposed to do, just sit back and let their rendezvous happen while I'm reading a book about it? Maybe I should let it happen and confront her at the hotel while she's there with him. I've honestly considered doing that. Sorry, to sound so crass, but this is traumatizing me. Maybe someone who's read the book can give me some guidance based on what they've learned. Give me a quick synopsis on how this should be handled. Otherwise, I don't see where I have any choice but to confront her in direct manner. Time is of the essence here. I can't afford to wait until we reach high noon. By then it's too late.

Hello,

I think it is essential that you confront your wife now and not later. This has to be stopped immediately. I don't see how it is possible to have a romantic weekend when you know your wife wants to get with this guy for some sex. She sounds like she is compartmentalizing this. She will have a great marriage at home with an adoring husband and a lover at the side. It is imperative that you show that there will be consequences to her actions. You will not accept her having a lover on the side and be married to her. She seems to want to be a classic cakewoman.

I would suggest that you print out these messages
and immediately contact the OM's wife and show them to her and of course your wife. The longer you allow this to continue the worse it will be.
If the roles were reversed, do you really think your wife would keep quiet about it? You need to take action immediately. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. I wish you luck.

Bryanp,

I totally agree. It’s going to be difficult for me to enjoy the weekend knowing that he’s probably there somewhere in the back of her mind while we’re making love. However, I don’t want to spoil it for her by confronting her before we go. I intend to make this an unforgettably romantic weekend for her. She will be on cloud 9 when we get back home. So, when I confront her, her memories of our unforgetable evening together will hopefully drive home the point even more, of the profound loss she will face as a result of her actions. This will hopefully add to the “reality check” she will experience. I do not intend to tolerate this. This will indeed have consequences, as she will soon find out. After I confront her, I do plan on going away for a while to think things over. She will not know where I am. Her children will be asking about me. I don’t know how she will explain my absence to her kids. Hopefully, the whole experience will jolt her back to reality. She will have a huge mountain to climb in gaining my trust again, if ever. I think there's very little chance that things will ever be the same between us. I’m sorry, but I just have no tolerance for this sort of thing. I have worked so hard at establishing her trust in me. I’ve been open and honest with her from the beginning, and committed. I expect and demand nothing less in return.

As far as the messages, I have been printing them out all along. As far as the OM’s wife. I don’t know her or have any way of contacting her, unfortunately.

<small>[ November 17, 2004, 04:30 PM: Message edited by: mrh52 ]</small>

Hello again,

I think everything you said makes a great deal of sense. When she realizes what she will lose and that you have no toleration for this I am sure it will jolt her back to her senses. It is nice to see that you have respect for yourself even if she does not. I wish you luck.