Situation: For about a month, my wife has been letting me know that she is unhappy, that she is not sure she wants to be married, that she does not love me the way she did when we met, that she feels she would like to separate for a while. I asked her if there was someone else; she said no. She will be 50 next year; I have already enjoyed the big day. I have said, "Let's go to a marriage counselor together." She says, "No, not until I go to therapy on my own for a while."

Background: We have been married 12 years; a 2nd marriage for both of us. I have 2 children by a previous marriage; she does not. She has a wonderful relationship with my grown, young-adult kids and has been a big part of their lives. She has always been a bit of a 'therapy junkie'; I have gone to a therapist a few times to get through some rough spots.

Now: I was supicious so I went snooping, i.e., email, cell phone, credit statements. I discovered an unknown email address and was able to tap it. There were a few emails to a guy I did not know. Not much info in the content, but the greeting of 'Hi Blue Eyes' suggested more than friendship. Long story short, this guy lives only a couple of miles from us and owns a beach house on the same street where we rented a house for a week this past summer! I have not confronted her with this information, yet, as I keep looking for more solid evidence of an A - EA or PA. By the way, since the first of the year she has lost a bunch of weight and looks great - new clothes, new hair style. I have read that this is a signal of an A.

What do I do? Do I confront her? Do I confront the OM? Do I inform the OM's wife? (forgot to mention that part)

I love my wife and want to remain married to her, but this OM is a distraction and obstacle to any constructive repair. I have read about not meeting my wife's emotional needs, and though it is all new to me, I am probably guilty of "failure".

Comments from those that have been here, please!

rlm,
exposing the A if it is an A will help you get your w back and out of the fog if she is in the fog.

i found out about a by ow h calling me, so i can't tell you much about confirming such a thing......but it sounds classic.......

look at plan a. if nothing there to help you, i would sit down and tell her something like "i know something's going on and need you to tell me"........did you find any funny cell #'s? or on phone bill? did you check cr card?\

my heart is with you.

Thank you for your reply and your thoughts. All of a sudden, it is a small relief to communicate with someone who may know some of what I am feeling.

My wife and I are fairly independent of one another when it comes to credit cards and cell phone statements. I did run across a statement that had a $200 charge at an expensive pen (and gift) store. I know I did not receive anything from that store. Plus, I scrolled through her call list on her phone and did find two numbers to the OM's office. Sometimes, she has deleted all previous call entries, though. I know that sketchy information can make one crazy / paranoid, but I wasn't born yesterday either.

I am trying to play it cool, so I can attempt to measure up to what her needs are - but has the horse already left the barn?

I am going to review plan A, and see if that can help me. Thanks, again. BTW I changed my public name so as to maintain anonimity.

pem,

Well, I attempted to get her to admit to an A, if there is one. I told her I felt there was something she wasn't telling me; something in addition to 'my failure to meet her emotional needs'. She said 'there wasn't anything - what was I expecting her to say?'

I wish I could believe her, but I don't. Her eyes kept averting away from mine when she spoke. Usually she makes direct eye contact. How do I expose the A, without accusing her?

I am suspicious every time she leaves the house and is gone a long time.

Help!

HIMH,

Sorry you need to use the following tools.

You can purchase a voice activated tape recorder and hide it in the back pocket of her car seat..or somewhere else inconspicuous (s).

Install a spyware/key logger on her computer that will record all her key strokes.

Can you go online to check her cell phone bill? If so, don't expect to get any work done if you check it at the office.

k

EDITED TO ADD: You can not expose the A if there is no concrete proof...specially if she has denied it already.

<small>[ November 22, 2004, 03:58 PM: Message edited by: krusht ]</small>

krusht:

thank you for the suggestions; had thought of some of them, but not the voice-activated tape in the back seat of the car.

I dislike the kinds of things that I have to do, now. I was able to access her cell phone voice mail memory (lucky trial & error with the password) Yup, there were 4 or 5 messages from the OM -- nothing racy, just info on when WW could call him back. And . . . confirmation that OM has a W, or is that OBW? (other betrayed wife?)

This is starting to hurt so much I am numb. I will try very hard to just sit back and let the ugly mess unfold. I hope I can hang on that long. I try very hard to address the missed emotional needs, but it feels like practice as she is not responsive. I am reading Dr Harley's book, 'Surviving an Affair'. It is very helpful in showing how individuals behave and feel in various A's. Thanks, again for your response.

I am hanging in there, I think.