For me, it's only 6 months after DD. For all of you WW's, can you tell me when you start to feel like yourself again? I'm in therapy, and I really like my therapist so far, but I'm wondering when I'll feel totally happy again being in my skin. Right now I feel like I'm going through the motions of my day. I'm not overwhelmingly depressed daily any more. I'm not constantly thinking of my OW anymore, but she's still on my mind daily.

I'm finding happiness much more now than a few months ago. Back then, I didn't even really want to live. Now I'd say it's 50/50. Half the time I'm in a depression, missing what I had, feeling HORRID for what I've done to my H and children, and feeling really horrible about what I've become (how I could have done this to them). I keep thinking, "How could they want to be with me?" "When are they going to just tell me that I'm now worthless?".

Have any of you been in that state of mind? And, if so, what do you do to make it better? Any input would be appreciated.

CC

P.S. Just to add one more thing: I can be feeling happy and great during my day, and then it hits me EVERY TIME, that maybe I have no right to be happy, and I get a sick feeling in my stomach. All of that happiness is taken away, and I'm left being reminded of all of the pain. Is this normal??

I think thats normal. You have hurt the people you care most about.

No idea when it ends. I am still there also

CC,

It was a year after d-day before I felt any joy. Right after d-day, I didn't think I'd ever be o.k again. I spent that first year practically nonfunctional (lost my job because I just couldn't cope). For several months, the only place I even went was to counseling (4 times a week) and church.

Slowly but surely, I began feeling better (lots of prayers, therapy, supportive family and friends, and meds). Now, 27 months past d-day, I'm just recently beginning to feel ALMOST "normal" again. (Some people may think I wasn't normal before! LOL.)

I'm a Christian, and one thing I decided very early on was that I wouldn't kill myself. I wanted to die many times, but someone told me that I didn't have to die for what I'd done because Jesus already had. He forgave the woman caught in adultery and told her not to do it anymore. I decided that even if Jesus was the only one who forgave me, I would not kill myself.

My faith is mainly what has gotten me through this, and I think my H would say the same thing is true for him as well.

God bless,

Rose

<small>[ November 18, 2004, 10:55 PM: Message edited by: Rose55 ]</small>

Rose,

Thanks for your response. (Thank you too, John!). A year, huh? That's how I pretty much feel still-nonfunctional. I think I'm getting better and functioning 50% of the time now, but the other 50% is a quick reminder of what I've lost and what I've done and I instantly feel sick. I feel lost sometimes and wonder when things will feel normal again.

At first I DID think of ending it all. I thought of that a few times during the A, when she wanted to end it. I had never, ever had those emotions before. My faith prevented me from taking those thoughts any further, and I also think of my kids and my H and my family, and how hard it would be on them. I know that I have to work though this and be a better person because of it, but some days, some times, it's REALLY hard.

Thanks for your input, Rose. It's helpful!

CC

Yep, CC, been there. But interesting you call us WW's.

I'm very proud to call myself an FWW and it's that mindset that is very important.

Trust me, CC, it does get better. One day you wake up and realise that life is wonderful, you are REALLY OVER the OP, your future looks wonderful. And, yes, it took a loooooong time.

You can't be afraid to let go of your grief. It doesn't mean you're not a caring person or it didn't mean anything. It's shaped you and the best thing you can do is grow and learn from it. Be proud of who you are now.

Humans just can't stay in a state of grief forever. It's impossible.

As JL says, time and patience.

Jen

<small>[ November 18, 2004, 11:32 PM: Message edited by: KiwiJ. ]</small>

Though I am in my 4th month since D day and in therapy, I have to say I feel a lot as you do.
I am taking St Johns Wort and that seems to keep the dark thoughts away, but it doesn't stop the thoughts of not being worthy.
I don't know CC I guess I just keep hoping things will improve once Aussie is back from Iraq.

CC- I also feel "like not myself " yet too. I think ,like others say,takes a long time. Because of the overwhelming guilt.
But each day its a bit better, although some days, it seems like you go back in progress!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
I think you are still very much hurt by this OW, you are kind of obssesed with her CC.
You have to let go!!

Take care

MYRTA

CC,

Sorry here. I know you meant this for the WS. But I do have a question for you? Do you think that the OW was an obsession? A feeling that was almost like a drug because the both of you are women? Something that you never received from your male husband?

I can't imagine what you must be going through. It must be really hard and very confusing for all of you. Hugs out to you!

Ali~

Thanks for the responses. I'll call myself a "FWW" from now on. Didn't realize the difference in terminologies, but I'm definitely a FORMER wayward wife. Thanks.

Ali, yes, you're right, she was an obsession for me. In my own therapy, I've discovered that I do have obsessive tendencies, none of which have brought me anything bad until now. Yes, the more she pulled back, the more I obsessed. I kept on thinking that I was SO much better off before I had met her. It was as though she wanted me to obsess over her, because no one ever paid attention to her. She definitely pushed my buttons and caused certain reactions, and then feigned that she was appauled by it.

I don't know that her being a woman has anything to do with my obsession though. I think it was just her personality and mine, meshed together that caused everything. When she pulled, I pushed, and it got worse and worse. I wanted things as they were in the beginning with her--when she doted on me, thought I was the greatest thing and SHE seemed to be more obsessive. When she burned out on that, she pulled back, and I became obsessive and possessive of her, and couldn't understand why I wasn't #1 with her anymore.

Our relationship being that of two women, definitely has a lot of differences in our A. We depended on each other as best friends, confidants, etc. Add lovers in that mix and we were totally co-dependent. I think that I obsessed so much when she tried to end it, because I couldn't wrap my brain around the fact that I was the best thing in her life, and then I wasn't. Make sense?? After all, in my life I had MANY friends, I was popular, loved and thought of and respected. In her life, she had a husband who ignored her, no real friends, and a chaotic, sad, simple life. What happened between us didn't make sense. She said that I'd be the one to wake up and realize I didn't want to be with "someone like her". It hurt me very much that it was the other way around. I was in shock for a very long time, and my self-esteem took a beating. On top of that, what I did to my H and my family overwhelmed me too.

So, yes, I was obsessive about her. I think I've gotten MUCH better though in these past 6 months. I tried to get answers and wrap my brain around what happened, because it made no sense to me. I wanted more closure. I wanted to be the one to walk away from her, because that would have made more sense. I wanted her to mourn our loss more. But now I'm thinking more about my H and my family as my priority.

CC

CC,

The longer you are in NC with OW (FOW, I mean!), the less you will obsess about her and the R. There is no such thing as “closure.” Having contact with her would send you back to square one in recovery. All the emotions would return full force, along with terrible guilt and regret that you had contact. (I've been there, done that.)

The longings and questions about “does OP still care?” and “how is OP doing?” will finally fade. At some point I think, partly, we just get sick and tired of feeling awful and trying to figure it all out, and we finally realize that we HAVE to get on with our lives. Plus, the more we recover, the more we get back into reality and understand that the A was only fantasy.

God bless,

Rose

<small>[ November 19, 2004, 10:09 AM: Message edited by: Rose55 ]</small>

Another FWW here. I haven't been to the site in quite a while, and I have to say that I am saddened to see you are still posting with all the same issues, CC.

To answer your question about when you start you feel more like yourself, I would have to honestly say that I started feeling better the day of full disclosure. And once NC began, I saw myself as making another huge step forward to being more myself again. Not having the OM in my life was what it was supposed to be, so having total NC made me feel better.

I won't kid you and say I didn't have feelings of withdrawal, but they got better every day.

I suppose a lot of it depends on whether you are an optimist or a pessimist. I ended the A because I WANTED to move forward and I WANTED to feel better. If you don't want those things, then you are kidding yourself. CC, as I read your posts, I'm not convinced that you want those things. For some reason that I could never understand, I think you want to feel badly, you want the drama in your life, and as hard as you protest that, I don't believe you. Granted, I don't know you; I only know you from what you tell us here. But if you are still trying to contact a woman who has cut you off from her life, SIX MONTHS later, then obviously you are in it for the drama. IMO, anyway.

Admitting you are obsessive doesn't give you permission to stay that way.

Admitting you are grieving doesn't give you permission to stay that way.

Another important part of my personal recovery was that I didn't view myself strictly as a WW. I also put a lot of thought and emphasis on the fact that I was also "The OW" to someone else. I wasn't a victim, and neither were you, CC. When I read your last post, all I read is how hurt YOU were, and how you NEEDED what you had, and how you were deceived by your OW, etc. You did not have a right to a relationship with her. Obviously she has taken responsibility for her own actions within her own family and she has moved on. Perhaps SHE sees herself as "The OW" to your family, and her removing herself from you has been done out of respect to them. Her NC with you isn't her trying to hurt you. Her actions within the A weren't her trying to hurt you. It was her way of protecting herself and her family. Did you ever think of it that way?

All you continue to talk about is how you are not getting what YOU want.

Ask yourself, would you call HER HUSBAND and ask HER HUSBAND if you could hear from her on your birthday, etc.? Would you ask HER HUSBAND if you could possibly be in contact with her just a few more times so that you can wrap up loose ends? How badly would that hurt him and how badly would it hurt YOUR husband?

You have to stop focussing on your loss, plain and simple. You say you are, but you're just paying lipservice to that, obviously, or you wouldn't be sending her multiple emails on YOUR birthday because you feel badly that she isn't spoiling you this year.

Remember, you are not just a WW, you are the OW to someone.

If you can begin to feel that way, you might have a chance of starting to feel more like who you were before: somebody who cared about your husband and your wedding vows.

FaithfullyHoping,

Thank you for posting, even though you haven't posted in a while... I'll try to answer what you addressed.

The day of disclosure to my H was somewhat of a relief to me. Not only did was I free from hiding things from him, but I realized that I still had his care and compassion, which meant the world. He saw how hurt and devastated I was, and even though he was more hurt, we tried to support each other. But that day didn't make me start feeling any better about myself. Far from it. Although it was DIFFERENT from how I'd felt nearly a year before that, it was equally bad.

Funny you mentioned that I seem to like the "drama" in my life. It's one of the reasons my FOW left the A. She was sick of the ups and downs, sick of my drama. (in fact, she certainly added to the drama!!). I don't revel in it, and I detest that I've become this saddened, depressed shell of a person, yet it's been hard to move on. PLEASE believe me though, that I see things getting better. I'm NOT dwelling on this daily, minute by minute, as I did 6 months ago. I'm finding happiness more and more, and actually stepping away from these constant, haunting memories of her.

What you said about me being the OW in my relationship with her is hard to swallow, when all along she assured me that I was her strength, I was her saviour. So, no matter how wrong the situation was, it was somehow not as offensive to think of me as an OW. I was merely someone fulfilling needs in her that were FAR from being met with her H. This was made very clear to me by her, although she never ASKED me to fulfill anything for her--I wanted to.

The thing about her H (and I've met him 5 times--5 weeks) is that he neglects her. It's obvious. Some things she told me were verified. So, it was hard to think of me as being "the bad guy" in our scenario, when I was just trying to make her happy. YES, I see it now that I had no right to do that for her. She had her commitment prior to meeting me. She often told me, "Had I met you first, before I married, before I had children, things would have been different." She had a hard time balancing our A and her marriage.

In the end, you're right, she chose her family as more important than our relationship. Our relationship posed a RISK to her family, and her family was far more important. I *do* understand that. I do understand that she was trying to protect her family. I also know that had things been different, we probably would have had a life together. That alone should bring me some solice.

The part where you asked me if her husband would be offended if I asked to contact her to tie up loose ends, or if she could contact me for my birthday, etc., I REALLY don't know how he'd feel. Honestly. In the beginning, he came to me, profusely THANKING me for taking her "off his hands"!!!!!!!!! He was grateful to me for being interested in her and for making her happy. It was a relief to him. I don't think that he ever expected that we actually were having an affair, and I'm sure that he detested me after that, but, I don't know. Right after D Day, my H said to me, "If you and she could work it out and somehow remain friends, I'll stand by that, as long as you think you could be trustworthy and NEVER keep anything from me again." I can't decide if that was a foolish thing of him to say, or if he's the most loving person on this earth. He knew what she meant to me, and I honestly think that he saw that I realized that losing our friendship was not worth the A, and that I wouldn't do it again. So, I have no idea what my FOW's husband would think either. I know that he encouraged her to write me one last time, out of decency. He knew what she meant to me, and what I meant to her.

You are right about one thing: I've been wallowing in my own pity for the last 6 months, feeling so hurt and devastated, not being able to believe that she could maintain this NC. This is *me* after all, someone she couldn't be apart from for more than 3 hours... I was like her inner brain. We were much more than lovers. Now I see that the friendship was probably even more important. Anyway, I haven't been thinking about what my constant contact with her has done to her. I haven't respected that she wished it to stop. I guess I had hoped that she'd again "wise up" and want to speak to me again. I should just accept that this was the decision she made, and it's what's best for her, for whatever reasons, and I should try to move on, remember that I learned from it and move on... Right??

That's a good point of view, and I"ll try to think of it more!! She used to tell me that I was very stubborn and I was a "my way or the highway" kinda girl, and I think she was right. I didn't respect her enough, and didn't respect her decisions, even at the end. I probably romanticized things more than I should have too, and I still don't stop to think about all the bad qualities she had (and she brought out in me!). I've been dwelling on what I loved about her, missed about her, and would be missing out on. I'm trying to change. I honestly am...

I thank you for your words. Sorry for the length of this, but in answering your post, I come to realize so much. Thank you!!

CC

CC,

I'm glad that I could help you come to realize some things. I see a few things when I read your reply.

Clearly, your focus is on yourself, your own mental health, and your loss. If I did a paragraph count throughout this site of the number of times you discuss your H versus your OW and especially yourself and your loss, clearly it's all about you.


When I asked you to think about yourself as the OW to someone, I meant that you are the OW to your OW's husband. Your decision to participate in a clandestine affair with that person's husband makes you an OW.

You can justify it all you want, but the bottom line is this isn't all about you. When I read your posts I hear nothing but excuses, justifications, and drama. You CLAIM that things are getting better for you, yet you were compelled to write to your OW because, why? Because it was YOUR birthday? That's pretty telling. I believe you said you were missing out on how spoiled you had been in the past. Pretty telling.

This whole mess that you put yourself in is something that I have yet to hear you take responsibility for. Sure, you pay lip-service to the idea that you've hurt your husband, blah blah blah ..... but what it comes down to for you, again and AGAIN, is you feel personally wronged in this whole mess. How could someone DARE to have dumped YOU? Right?

I'm sorry, but this isn't the forum for you to come to terms with a question like that. How hurtful to those people who have been lied to, cheated, and deceived!

WHY this happened to you is plain: YOU chose to put yourself in that position. Stop wasting time trying to figure out why your OW has made the decisions that SHE did. Her choices were her own and they did not then nor do they now reflect upon you. You were not in an affair because you are irresitable to her.

You place too much emphasis on how your affair ENDED and far too little on when it BEGAN. THAT is where all your answers lie. WHY did YOU choose to do what YOU did?

The more I read CC, the more I realize she may be posting in the wrong forum (at least for what she wants). Out of curiosity I checked a forum for dumped OWs and OMs called TOW

http://gloryb.com/boards

In particular CC may like the endings section where all folks that were forced into NC after D-day go to comfort each other.

She may find someone there who may be sympathetic, but I must warn you------------------ the logic over there is very bizarre. This is the land of the selfish------- very interesting reading.

<small>[ November 20, 2004, 07:23 PM: Message edited by: Stanley568 ]</small>

Faithfully,

I'll answer your post and then abstain from posting here anymore, as I'm hearing from both you and Stanley that this isn't the forum for me.

I BEGAN my A because I fell in love with my OW. Plain and simple. I was happy with my H for the most part, and she gave me the excitement, reassurance, adulation and love that he couldn't or didn't at that time. I also fell in love with her because I wanted to give her everything she confided in me that she never got and was still lacking. It wasn't planned and I certainly didn't go looking for her. If I did go looking for someone, why would I pick a woman? Why would I pick a 300 lb woman?? That's just not like me! I've been convinced that I was a hetero woman who cared in part about looks, so this was all strange to me.

THAT'S how it began. Does that answer your question?? I could justify it from here to kingdom come, telling you that I wanted to make another human being happy, and I think I did, but I DO take responsibility for my own decisions. I took a chance that my H would find out and/or leave me. I tried to figure out my feelings along the way and make decisions. My children were most important, and if that meant I'd stay here, in my marriage with them, and have a bi-sexual love affair on the back-burner, I was ready to do that. I thought I could juggle it all and keep everyone happy. I was wrong.

I DO agree with you and Stanley, that I focus on ME. You know what? I've been doted on and treated like a rock star for DECADES. People have been loyal, faithful and accomodating to me. They just want to be near me! That's not being pompous. It's truthful. I've always been the type to attract lots of people. They are attracted to my positivity and confidence (things I'm lacking for the past year!). So, I've been spoiled and that didn't change with my OW, until she wanted to stop our A. It's all still a shock, but I won't cry about it here. It's a whole different life for me, but then again, so is breaking my wedding vows. I'm NOT that type of person.

I thank you and everyone else here (especially Myrta and JL) for your patience, input and experience. You have made me thought about things I otherwise wouldn't have thought about and I am very appreciative. I think I've come a long way, and my H and I are happier and happier. I DO see a very good possibility for us to work things out. We still have love and compassion--we're just not IN LOVE or have that burning passion for each other yet. Time will tell.

Thank you for your support. I won't bother to post here anymore since it's hurtful to other spouses with "real" issues.

CC

FAITHFULLY HOPING- I think CC has a different kind of withdrawal and sadness . She is very confused, just like her name here. She never thought that she could have attraction for the same sex. And now she not only has sexual attraction for this OW,but also very strong feelings of love. She is very confused, she does not know what to think of this.
I suspect is going to take her a very long time to clear her mind if ever!!! It must be extremely hard what she is going thru. NOt only being unfaithful to her husband, but do in so with a woman.
I think she needs to continue therapy to really know what direction to take in her life. She needs to know and accept whatever the outcome might be with her sexual tendencies.
She has a lot of sadness and depression and she needs a bit of more understanding.

MYRTA

CC--It looks like we were posting at the same time. You dont have to stop posting here. You can do so, if you want to. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Take care of yourself

MYRTA

Myrta,

I read back through CC's posts before I made that last post to her. Do you realize that her OW ended their relationship over a year and a half ago (if I read that correctly)? That's a long time to feel sorry for yourself and an even longer time to string along a husband.

She said it herself in her last post that she is used to be catered to for whatever reason. She's not getting that from her OW and she's not even getting it from me, so she bailed. Actually, it seems like it's the same reason she bailed on her marriage, too.

Being straightforward and honest and being understanding are not mutually excusive in my book.

FH- YOu can be straightforward , of course, but,Confused its just that right now, very Confused!!! I think what she is going thru are different feelings,and withdrawals that a typical WW feels. Because of that, the approach to her should be different, I think.

MYRTA