Faithfully,

You have a LOT of nerve! First of all, my OW didn't end things a year and a half ago. Last July she tried to end the sexual part of our relationship. We continued with our friendship up until this past May, which DID include some "inappropriate" sexual intimacies, so she wasn't really 100% ready to stop it all. So, I've been dealing with the end of our total relationship for six months, which is really not that long.

As for "bailing" on my H, you have no idea of what I was going through or what my relationship with him was like. As Myrta said (and, thank you Myrta, for being compassionate!), I was confused about the sexuality aspect of it alone. I was also confused that I could even be attracted to ANYONE other than my H! In a million years, I NEVER, EVER would have thought that I could or want to be attracted to anyone other than my H. He fulfilled any need in our marriage that I had and I had NO reason to look elsewhere for anything!

I didn't "bail" on him. I fell in love with someone else at the same time I was still in love with him. When I was with him, I was happy. I wasn't thinking about her when I was with him. When I was with her, I was happy and wasn't thinking about him. Only in my quiet time alone did I have to battle with my heart and soul, and believe me, it was hard. I had to (and still am!) try to figure out what it "all meant" sexually to me. You have no idea!!! I never meant to string either one of them along. I was trying to figure out my own feelings, sexual and otherwise.

I could have "bailed" on him when/if I wanted to. I STILL WANT TO BE WITH HIM. We still laugh, cry, etc., together. We still want a life together. We still want to raise our children together. Most of all, we still enjoy being together. Yes, things are strained, and I still have things to figure out. I'm in therapy for me. He's in therapy for him, and we're in MC.

Yes, maybe I've been spoiled and doted on. Maybe my OW and my H and lots of other people have spoiled me. Maybe getting my heart broken by her was devastating for me--someone who hasn't had to face much controversy or sadness in her life. I've been used to being strong and dealing with things as they came. This is all new to me and I'm trying the best I can. I'm still here. I didn't kill myself. I still want a life with my H and with my children. That's the best I can do for now. I resent you telling me what I can and can't do and feel. How dare you compare my situation to yours or anyone else's. I'm not looking for your compassion. I came here, to this board, looking to improve my marriage, and to improve me, and to help me out of my deep depression. It HAS helped, but when I read mean-spirited posts like yours and Stanley's, I don't feel like I should come back here anymore, and it's a shame because I think I could still benefit from being here.

CC

Myrta,

I just wanted to thank you for every post you've made to me. You've been supportive, informative and you've pushed me when I needed it. You've been dealing with your own marital woes, and I am so thankful for your encouragement. I look at you and Stanley and I could gage how things might go for me.

I thank you for being understanding about MY particular circumstances. You were dead-on right! I am still confused about the sexual part. I know that I'm a very draining sort of person, and I DO have to be hit with a 2x4 sometimes, but hopefully things will sink in. It's hard, being in the midst of depression and confusion, and hearing people yell things at me. Yeah, I deserve some of it, but I'm trying to work through things the best way that I can.

Thank you again. You've been the most helpful and wonderful person to me on this board. I don't know if I'll continue posting, especially if it's upsetting to other people, but I wanted to thank you for all you've done for me. God bless!

CC

CC:

In my time at MB I have only used the 2x4 twice. I used it on you on both occasions and now I realized I am not qualified to deliver 2x4s as I am too emotionally invested. I apologized by my remarks. When I talked about selfishness i was simply describing the tone of the TOW board. My wife Myrta gave me a 2x4 in what I posted to you. She is quite correct, there is something different and unique about your situation and I am not qualified to talk about it.

Good luck in your recovery, keep searching. I don't think you are a bad person, please take care of yourself.

Stanley,

I keep on saying that I don't think I'll post here anymore, and then I do...

I want to thank you dearly for your post. You didn't owe me an apology. I can understand how I'd frustrate you or even annoy you when I'm a FWW and you see some similarities in your wife (NOT that our scenarios are the same AT ALL!).

I don't want to make excuses or exceptions because my A was with a woman, but it DOES pose some extra difficulties and questions. I'm trying to work through that and see where my sexual preferences lie. It's tough work.

Your posts and your stories help me enormously. Thanks for sending me that link. I DID check out that board, although it was weird. I don't know that it would be something that would be beneficial to me, but I'll go back and read it again.

Thank you for your apology and I wish you and Myrta luck. She's a VERY special person, and so are you. She's reached out to me and tried to help me when she's going through so much on her own. She's got to be special if you're standing by her and trying to repair the marriage. I have the same thing here and I know I"m blessed.

Take care. I'll think about coming back if I feel welcome.

CC

CC:

Sometimes one writes in the heat of the moment and then realizes it was the wrong thing to say. Obviously you need support and should get it. I certainly did not advance anything with my 2x4; I am not qualified to ditch 2x4s.

There is an end of affair section for OWs in that board. They provide support for each other. The only thing that hurt my feelings when I read was that they all see the betrayed spouse as a bad person and the bad guy in the movie. I don't read that site anymore; it is full of triggers for me as they mainly discussed the affairs from the OW/OM perspective. However, I guess curiosity got the best of me. Perhaps, you can get something out of it. But, I must warn you the site is designed for OWs that are not remorseful. In fact remorse and guilt from having and affair are seen as negative feelings.

Anyway, good luck with your journey.

Myrta is an awesome woman and we are fine. My only concern is whether she could still have withdrawal, but she says she has none. SO everything seems to be OK.

Take care!

Stanley,

Thanks for your response. HONESTLY, when you brought out those 2x4's twice, I was not offended. No worries.

As far as that TOW board, it's weird--it doesn't seem like I'd "fit in" there, and sometimes I wonder how I fit in here. I've searched other messageboards too (women's boards, Oprah, Dr. Phil...) and I don't know if I'd get any answers, direction or support either. At least here I got some direction and support AND a lashing when posters felt I needed it. I take what I can from here, and I believe it's helped me see things I didn't see.

As far as Myrta with her withdrawal--she sounds pretty much past it, BUT, I think that it's easy for things to be tinged with depression and sadness for a long time thereafter. After all, we have to deal with the guilt of our decisions, and we have to get over everything at the same time. None of those decisions were cavalier, as much as the FW or FH here like to believe sometimes! It's rough--all around-for both partners. So, I wish you both well. I'll continue to read here and get out of this board whatever might help me.

Thanks again!

CC

P.S. My best to Myrta, always!

CC,

I hope you don't go, but I also hope that you start to see things more clearly. Part of what sets people off is inconsistency, which when you think about it should be expected in these situations. I personally like to point out the inconsistency because usually it is a point of conflict within the person and they need to think about it. I realize the only thing I can offer are things that make people think.

You just posted </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I didn't "bail" on him. I fell in love with someone else at the same time I was still in love with him. When I was with him, I was happy. I wasn't thinking about her when I was with him. When I was with her, I was happy and wasn't thinking about him. Only in my quiet time alone did I have to battle with my heart and soul, and believe me, it was hard. I had to (and still am!) try to figure out what it "all meant" sexually to me. You have no idea!!! I never meant to string either one of them along. I was trying to figure out my own feelings, sexual and otherwise.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Note the part in bold and then recall your behavior during YOUR birthday just recently. You were thinking about OW while with your H, weren't you. I point this out because there is a level of self delusion that occurs at the point you are in and if not addressed by you will lead to your continued confusion.

I know I have posted to you before about the sexual preference aspect of this, but I thought I would repeat myself. I really and truely believe that your sexual preference is NOT the issue. I think that the issue you point out about people always being willing to do things for you IS A BIG ISSUE.

Permit me to offer you several lines of thought. Line number 1 is that you are a very selfish person and you will go to the "highest bidder" so to speak.

Line number 2 is you are a very skilled individual with other people and you are doing what most would do if they could, get everything they want from a person and when they fail you, then you move to someone else which you can easily do.

Line number 3 is you were brought up this way and know no better.

Line number 4 is that you are very very insecure and don't realize that most of what you are looking for is within yourself.

I could go on. I am guessing there may be elements of truth in each of these. Your task is to sort them out decide what is the truth and then evaluate IF you feel the need to realign your priorities and what you expect from other people including your H.

CC, this is not a case of changing but changing perspectives and to do that you need to evaluate yourself and your goals and the light of day. Your neediness with respect to WS suggests that your H does not have a HOPE IN H**L of keeping you happy. She did not either and she withdrew from the relationship. You might want to consider this. What are you NOT supplying to yourself.

Notice none of this says anything about sex but a need that you have. Harley claims and given my experience traveling and living different places I agree with him, that ANY two people can fall in love IF their needs are being met by the other. He was probably NOT talking about same sex situation, but frankly since a large part of love is emotional and not sexual, I am not sure that the boundaries are that strong in all people.

It seems to me it is not here or there. What has to happen is you need to figure out who you are, and why you act the way you do around people? Further you need to assess what you are willing to give to yourself and other people. I don't mean this in a negative way so much as the famous "to thine own self be true."

Please think about these things.

God Bless,

JL

JL,

I came back to check if this thread was still ongoing, and saw your message. Thanks for saying you hoped I wouldn't go. I'll address your post.

On my birthday, it started off nicely. I hadn't thought of the OW until later in the day, and it hit me, like a sinking feeling. That's much of an improvement from 6 months ago, where I couldn't sleep and I'd be thinking about her constantly. I'm having more moments of a REAL life here. So, no, I wasn't thinking about her while I was with my H. It was only for part of my day, and he wasn't with me.


I still believe that the sexual preference is a confusion for me, as I'm not really attracted to ANYONE right now, male or female, so I'm confused. I miss having sex with a woman (not to be graphic). It wasn't that it was sex with someone other than my H; it was the dynamics of having sex with a woman. I'm still confused about it all and don't know if I"ll ever feel "turned on" again by a man, but I'm trying!!!

I TOTALLY disagree with your concept of my going to the "highest bidder". What did you mean? I'd go to whomever gave me more attention and affection?? That's NOT how my relationship with my OW started. Not at all. SHE needed me--my expertise, if you will, my support and my friendship. It wasn't the other way around. I found her to be intriguing and sweet. Not much more to it than that...


I TOTALLY disagree with your "line number 2", wherein you stated that I "get everything they want from a person and when they fail you, then you move to someone else which you can easily do." YES, my OW failed me. Did I move on to someone else??? NO!!!!!!! Did I think to myself, "Okay, she wants to give up on the romantic aspect, so lemme see if I could get that back from my H or from someone else"???? NO!!! I still wanted it from her, and I tried to make our friendship work because I still desperately wanted and needed her in my life. I certainly didn't move on to anyone else! No way!!

I *do* agree that I am pretty selfish, although if anyone was asked to describe me (before the A), they'd say that I was generous, loving and happy; CERTAINLY not selfish by any means!!!!!!

I do agree that I am insecure. Again, I never would have thought twice about that before the A. I was always a very self-assured person before this. My self-esteem took a severe beating, and the whole scenario is still confusing to me--that a shy, morbidly obese, plain woman who had practically no friends and no one to love her could shake ME like that is amazing to me. But she knew me very well--better than most anybody.


Other things you said really hit home, and they are just SOME of the things I've been thinking about and trying to work on. I expect a lot from people. I have VERY high standards. I had them for myself too, which has caused me guilt and grief for being able to even have an affair. I don't know why I have such high expectations. Probably because I'm secretly SO afraid of being hurt and let down. My father was/is an alcoholic and there was instability concerning his moods. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop, you know? Maybe it's now carried over into my relationships with people.

Funny you mentioned other people keeping me happy. *I* thought I was very happy with my OW. Yes, I complained enough, and wished for more. I thought it would always be like it was in the beginning. She took that to mean I was unhappy. I wasn't. It was just my way--to complain about what I WASN'T getting. In my experience, that's how things turned around--when you'd tell people what you'd like from them and then they'd work on it. I thought that's how my relationship with her was. If she ever asked me to change something, I tried to do it. I didn't get insulted. SHE, however, did, and she started to withdraw and get beaten up emotionally (that's what she told me). So, I have to think that maybe I'm a demanding bully, to some extent.

As far as my H goes, he's always been too amenable! He'll bend over backwards to please me, which isn't good either. He's trying to change and I'm trying not to be at all demanding on him to change. I no longer look to him for my own self-esteem. I don't know what I am expecting from him.

I agree with what Harley said about 2 people meeting each others' needs. She and I met each other's needs for a long time, and it was very easy to fall in love. I don't know what needs I have regarding my H, but I have to figure it out.

I DO need to figure out who I am. I always thought I knew! I was a great mom, wife, friend, daughter, person. I was confident of that. I was great at making people feel good, making them feel welcome in my home, making my house a home, and spreading good will around. After the A, I don't know who I am and what I became, nor what I want out of life.

What I'm willing to give other people right now is limited, but getting better. I'm there for my friends--always ready to help, emotionally and in all ways. I'm there for my family members too. Most important is MY small family and my H, and I'm there for them. They are my priority, but I know that I won't be the ultimate person I could be until I figure out much more about me. I have to be happy with myself and my choices, and right now I'm still feeling the guilt and confusion over things. DON'T GET ME WRONG, my H and I are getting along better daily. I see myself obsessing less and less every day about my OW. I still miss her dearly, but I'm finding that I miss her friendship more than the love affair. The love affair part is just confusing to me.

I thank you for your input, and I'm going to re-read what you wrote more and try to think about it much more. Thank you!!

CC

I just wanted to add one more thing... While I'm busy with my H, preparing to host a Thanksgiving feast here with our extended families, I'm happy and looking forward to it. The only sadness right now is that I JUST found out yesterday from my brother in law, that he might be leaving my sister very soon. This came out of left field. They were the ones we vacationed with last month. We're very close to them both, but they've had their fill of problems (she had 1 affair that I know of, that she didn't confide in to her H). My BIL is depressed and confused and he unloaded lots of emotional information to me.

This all made me re-think a lot about my own situation. I asked him if he and my sister still loved each other, because I believed that things could POSSIBLY be worked out if that had that to go on. He said "no". He asked me if I loved my H. I said "yes". I still care dearly about him, and am very close to him. My BIL lost that a while ago with his wife, sadly, and he's at the point where he feels his only option is to walk away. It made me grateful that my H and I still share some love and we're willing to try to work on things, but I also realize that things are so fragile that it might not work out. So, it all made me a little drained and saddened.

CC

You know, After reading and rereading the posts above, it all sounds like an addiction? People that are in the "lime light" or in the center seems to feel comfortable with the attention they are receiving. (they love it) Someone new and "different" (meaning opposite sex) comes her way in another form of doting all over her, she becomes spell bound. When this is over or this being dumps her, she feels empty, alone although she has a lot going for her. It is obsessive and an addiction.

CC, in ways you sound a lot like my H. I am in no way saying that you are being selfish as my H. was. But there was a lot of "me's" in your post. What should be done, is you need to really start focusing on your husbands needs. Put a rubber band on your wrist and snap it hard when you think of her. IC is so important and a plan needs to get in motion. A year and a half is too long for you to be thinking about her constantly when you have a marriage that is trying to be healed.
I am not sure it was "Love" you were feeling for this women.

Ali~

Ali,

Yes, I agree that I think my A was an addiction. Aren't most of them??? My therapist sees addictive qualities in some of my past too. It deems researching. Luckily I never had the addiction of alcohol, like my father, although my addictions included shopping, some musicians, food, and then dieting and exercising to excess. While none of those addictions caused me real harm, the A certainly did. The withdrawal certainly felt like an addictive withdrawal and it was very hard.

I certainly don't go looking for love or attention. I want to make that clear. While I *am* used to people doting on me in my life, it doesn't make my head spin, as I'm kind of used to it. So, I didn't become "spellbound" because my OW gave me that attention. It was very nice, but it was something I was certainly used to (not to sound in any way haughty!).

When it was over, I certainly did feel empty, and even used, and it was shocking to me. What kept on replaying in my mind was that I DID NOT set out to find a lover nor to start an affair. It kind of fell into my lap, and as confusing as it was, it was wonderful (I thought), so when it ended I was certainly shocked, and certainly MUCH WORSE OFF than before. Make sense? I hold myself accountable. Had I not agreed to enter into the A, the outcome wouldn't have been so rock-bottom. But then again, I didn't believe that she would be the one to choose the outcome.

I appreciate what you said about my thinking about the OW, and if you'll read my recent posts, you'll see that I believe (and my therapist does) that I'm thinking about her MUCH less lately, and that's a great thing. I'm slowly trying to get my life back, and trying to enjoy it, AND I'm trying to focus on my H too, but I really can't focus on him 100% until I'm on more solid ground with myself. Right now I'm at the point where I'm feeling foolish and guilty for allowing the A to happen. I feel rather dumb and played, and at the same time I WANTED it to happen, so I have to pay the price. It felt great, and now it's over.

Lastly, as far as your "a year and a half is too long for you to be thinking about her constantly when you have a marriage that is trying to be healed," I have to address that. It's only been SIX MONTHS since D Day. Yes, it's been a year and a half since my OW tried to end the A (unsuccessfully and not completely), but it's only 6 months since the NC and 6 months of my thinking all of this through. The other year prior to that I spent trying to make her "come to her senses" and come back to me. A lot of time, and a lot of energy, and I am just now wondering why!!!!!!

I thank you for your input. I am trying to work things through in my own therapy. I will continue to go, as it brings me many answers and makes me feel like I'm on the right path. I see that in the way in which my H and I have been interacting. I don't think I'm as selfish as I might come across here. After all, this is a place where I can talk about ME, but I am concentrating on him and on my children.

Thanks again!

CC

CC,

I hope you read my post again. The items I listed were for YOUR consideration to see if there were aspects of them in your decision process.

Given what has happened to your sister's marriage and what is happening in your marriage, let me ask you something.

Were there ever any real boundaries in your thinking with respect to marriage and what it meant? If not why not? Further, has it occured to you that you need to address the issue of boundaries with respect to marriage and what is expected within it? I think that is the one thing that seems to come through in your posts. IT felt good so I did it and further it must be right no matter how many people it hurt.

Given you situation the lack of desire for sex seems to be normal. Will you ever desire a male again, well I hope so for your H's sake. It has been awhile since he has been with someone that desired him.

Must go.

God Bless,

JL

JL,

Yes, I'll go back and re-read your post, as I said I would...

As far as boundaries within my marriage... My H and I agreed on nearly every topic, including marriage. I always said that meeting him was almost like having a clone of me regarding some hot topics. Of course we disagreed about some things, but they weren't so important.

To give you a little information about our ideas and boundaries concerning marriage, both he and I agreed on the same marital ideas when we went to our Marriage Encounter weekend for our Pre-Cana classes in our church. We agreed on religion and mostly everything within our marriage. My H and I both viewed marriage as sacred and special,even to the point of looking down on people who felt differently. We heard of some friends having second thoughts as they were walking down the wedding aisle, and we couldn't understand it, having felt SO strongly about our own marriage.

More boundaries: We both felt that honesty was the most important issue (I know, funny, since I ended up doing the most dishonest thing I could do to him!). We both agreed that we wouldn't hold things back from each other. We both agreed and wanted open communication, which NEVER seemed like work--we truly loved each other's company and each other's thoughts and words. We agreed that we'd NEVER go to bed angry, and we never did. We rarely argued, much less had anything serious to argue about, even though we went through some rough times in our marriage (regarding monetary issues and some family issues).

We both also had similar views about pornography and the depiction of women and sex. We both felt uncomfortable seeing anyone having to subject themselves to anything degrading. While he was a tad more mature about these things, I was steadfast about women being objectified and it was a no-no in my book.

We had similar views on family life. We agreed that I'd stay home and take care of the children and he'd work. We agreed on mostly everything, up until a few years ago. We've both grown and changed. While I know I've grown more selfish and immature, he's grown more conservative and opinionated, although I often referred to him as "Jesus" because he NEVER spoke a bad word about anybody, ever, and he always saw the best in people, and made them feel their best. While he's a genius, he could easily carry on a conversation with a low i.q. person and make them feel like they had lots to contribute.

So, our marital boundaries were similar. Similar morals, similar religious beliefs, and similar boundaries. This is one of the reasons that my A was/is shocking to me, as much as I'd like to try to justify it. I NEVER thought I'd be the one to be able to lie to him. I never thought I'd be the one to love someone other than him. Our marriage was the closest to perfection that I'd ever known, out of everyone I knew.

Hope that answers your question. I'll try to re-read the rest later. I'm off to bed. It's late here. Thanks again.

CC

P.S. I heard from my sister tonight, and she said that her H agreed to go to MC asap. I'm relieved. It'll be a nice Thanksgiving after all. I hope that they will be able to work things out.

CC,

Agreeing to things and talking about them intellectually are NOT boundaries. Boundaries are places YOU WILL NOT GO. In marriage that usually means having an affair, or lying to your spouse, or physical abuse, there are many others.

You did NOT have a boundary with regard to the affair or lying. You still don't seem to have such a boundary.

I will offer an opinion about your H. Given that he is a person that usually does not speak ill of people, then as he has grown and matured and had to deal with an affair by you and a homosexual one at that, I would bet some serious money his growing conservatism is a reaction to your behavior. Personally I would rather he blow up at you, not that being conservative is bad, I am.

But, I also suspect you think he should be more open minded about what you have done and think than he is. Around were I live here on the "left coast", the admonition "people can be so open minded their brains fallout" has some merit. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I asked about your boundaries because it seems from what you have said neither you nor your sister have these boundaries. It could be a family of origin, FOO, issue. Perhaps having to do with your fathers alcoholism, I don't know, but something to consider in your talks with the IC.

Must go but please understand in the former post to you, the idea is to get you thinking about what lines of thought/behavior are applicable to you and then decide you want to change perspectives.

God Bless,

JL

JL,

I meant what I said about boundaries. Affairs was definitely one of them, as was lying to a spouse. These were lines that were NOT ACCEPTABLE for us to cross, yet I did cross them. I never would have thought in a million years that I'd cross that boundary when I had it set in stone that I believed it to be wrong and NEVER thought I'd cross that line. Crossing that boundary and having that guilt is one of the things I'm trying to work through.

Just for some background, my family was raised STRICT Catholic, as well as my H's. We had definite rules and boundaries. My father's alcoholism was a taboo subject, but we knew that abuse of alcohol was not acceptable in our family. I don't want you to think that we were somehow a free-spirited family who thinks nothing of affairs and breaking boundaries. It's JUST the opposite. We're a very close-knit family who judges each other, watches that everyone is walking on the "right side" and behaving correctly. Doing what I did and what my sister did would be deemed very, very wrong by my family.

My H's conservatism started before any changes in myself happened. The older he gets, the more conservative some of his opinions are. For example, he thinks that there is no such thing as rape within a marriage. He believes that a wife should have to do her "duty" whenever the spouse wants it. That's a big change from how he felt years ago, where my opinion as a person weighed in. Keep in mind again: THIS WAS BEFORE ANY CHANGES IN ME HAPPENED.

The only conservative view of his that I believe has changed since my A, is his view on gay marriage. He's totally against it. He seems to harbor fear or dislike of gay people and doesn't think that they should have any rights regarding marriage.

And, YES, I've said to him that I'd rather he blow up or at least talk to me, instead of becoming conservative or keeping it all in. He never likes to offend people though. He STILL won't talk about the A. Hasn't asked any questions and his way of dealing with it is to think that it's been over since D Day and to move on. I don't think that's healthy, but I can't tell him how to handle it, right?

Again, thanks for your input. I'll try to re-read your other posts when I can. It'll be a very busy few days with preparations for the holiday. Take care.

CC

OK!

Than from what I think I am reading now is that you feel ashamed? Is that why you are posting?

I mean this with all sincerity, no sarcasim. I am not sure what kind of feed back you are looking for? I respect that you take 100% responsibility. A lot of WS blame it on the OP instead of themselves. Is it withdrawl you are feeling? Was the affair excitment, a thrill that was never felt before? Not always but usually WS don't go looking for an affair. If I am reading your post correctly, she came on to you and you thought;
"hey this is a great feeling". ??? Are you looking for answers to why you did it? Do you feel ashamed that you had a sexual relatioship with a women?
I am not sure what kind of carreer you are in to be doted over, but I think this experience was very different and new to you and that is why you fell for it. ?????

Now getting back on track of your marriage. Do you journal? I find that to be great therapy. You can look back and realize things that you know now and make more sense of your feelings. Believe me, it helps a lot!

What kind of things are you practicing with your Therapist? Meaning are there assignments for you to do? My therapist gave me a lot of homework, and I never realized I had all these strengths.

From what I have read, there are a lot of WS that go through a denial period. Never really get intouch with their true feelings. I believe this is what is happening to you. Are you reading books? There is a book that might do you some good. The book is called Back From Betrayal by Suzy Farbsman. That book might be able to help you see yourself through the BS side and get more intouch with what you are feeling.

Ali~

I'm sorry for jumping in but I have been following your posts.

It seems to me that you are looking for attention which is probably what led you to the A in the first place, there is also an issue of responsiblity and blame. I don't think I read anywhere in your posts that you ARE 100% responsible for this it is not 50/50, you made the choices and decisions not the OW. Your OW left you and cut off ties and you seem to be focused on that.

Even when you do post here it always goes back to the OW and what she did to you, how hurt you are, how you don't have closure and with all the responses that everyone has given you it seems you don't hear them, you acknowledge them but do you really hear them? Until you take responsibility be 100% accountable for your actions not the "OW's" and what you have done YOU will not have "closure".

Sorry.

Why this reminds me of my sister is - she is going through a drug problem right now and everything that is going wrong is everyone else's fault but her own.

Ali,

I don't know that I'm feeling ashamed. Surprised is more like it. I come from a religious, strict family, and my whole life has been unfolding with perfection. My life with my H was dream-like, up until the short time period before I began the A. So, I'm still surprised that I did cross that line. I crossed the boundaries we had agreed to, and I did it with ease. It felt right. *I* take 100% responsibility for that. I know that I entered into it of my own accord. I don't know just how guilty I feel over it because it felt so right to me at the time. If I had not hurt my H (and lots of other people) in the process, I could probably justify it.

I'm not blaming the A on my ex-lover. She didn't take advantage of me. We BOTH fell in love, and it was a surprise to both of us. We both never intended for it to happen, and it was certainly not planned. For the longest time we were both in shock. We BOTH took responsibility and knew that we both entered it willingly.

It wasn't a thrill I'd never felt before. In fact, it felt VERY familiar to me. It felt almost exactly like falling in love with my H. My OW told me the same thing. She said, "It's as though lightening struck twice," and I agreed. Although this was wrong because we were both married to other people at the time, it's how we both felt.

She didn't "come on" to me and then I fell for it. Again, we BOTH entered into it slowly--after our friendship was already well in place. And, we were both surprised by our feelings. When we discussed them openly to each other, we were very fearful, because this was a huge shock to each other. So, I don't think I was thrilled with the excitement of it being something different. Her being a woman, and my falling in love were not the issues. The fact that I was able to fall in love outside my marriage is what did and does shock me. I never thought I'd need anyone other than my H and that's what I'm trying to figure out--how I let that happen. How parts of my relationship with him slid away and I let someone else in my life have more importance. That's what I want to correct so that it never happens again.

No, I don't journal. I did during the summer, but I stopped. I worried about my children ever finding it. I don't want them knowing my feelings about intimate details.

I don't have "assignments" with my therapist, but she is exploring topics such as my sexuality, my childhood, etc. It's a slow process. She asked me if I still love my H and if we want to be together, and we do, and she said it's a beginning. I'm trying to work on ME, and figure things out so that I could be happier in my marriage and either give him what I can or have him choose if he still wants to be with me. It's a long process, but we are getting along better daily.

Hmm, I wonder if my H is in denial, now that you mentioned it. Reminders of the OW are disappearing, so maybe he wants to just bury it and move on. I don't know how healthy that is.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hearbroken:


I certainly wasn't searching for any attention, as I got plenty of it on my own, through friends and family, BEFORE and without the OW. Her doting on me was nothing new. Our relationship was more of me helping her, in the beginning.

As I said to Ali, *I* did make the choice to enter into the A with the OW; she didn't entice me into it. We said we'd "keep things light" and see where it went. It seemed playful, harmless and wonderful at the time. When it got more serious and we realized we were in love, there was no turning back, but I don't blame her at all! We both fell in love. She didn't trick me or entice me. It just happened. I felt more strongly about possibly making it work than she did. She felt more guilt and worry over it. In my head, things could have been worked out somehow. I don't know what I was thinking. In my mind I thought that we both felt THAT strongly for each other that even if we had to wait another 15 years for a life together, that's what we'd do, and in the meantime, we'd be a main force in our children's lives, knowing we had a special love on the back burner. Sick, I know...

You're right--it takes a LOT for me to actually hear things and let them sink in. I'm a very thick person and I frustrate a lot of people--even our MC!!! But I *do* take responsibility for crossing the line and entering into a love affair with her. How wrong I think it was, is another story, because in my head I could still justify most of it. THAT's the part I need to figure out and work on.

Anyway, I'm NOT blaming everyone else for it. I could easily say that my H was busy and less attentive to me, and he was so stressed that I didn't want to spend much time with him. I could say that my OW was attentive and made me feel really great about myself. But in the end, it was MY decision to cross the line and act on my feelings. I totally accept that *I* crossed the line. My OW has told me the same thing, but the only difference was that once she recognized that it was no longer right for her, she tried to make ammends, and said she could no longer "cross that line" with me, or at least she tried. So, I don't think that I could compare myself to your sister's situation...

Thanks for your input. I can't say that I know what kinds of responses or advice I'm looking for, but I try to read everyone's posts and try to comprehend some of it so that it'll help me. Thanks.

CC

No way is it healthy to hide the feelings. When I gulp them down, it comes out in other ways. I notice that I am getting a lot more colds. I am tired alot too. OK the tired part might be depression. Encourage you H. to talk about his feelings when they arise. Stress can do a lot of damage the body if not handled correctly.

So your A. was a friendship in the beginning? Again, what are you confused about? Why you did it? Do you need help in ways to help your H through the pain although he is withdrawing himself?
My H, tramp dumped him too. He used this forum to tell everybody how his tramp done him wrong. Never mind his marriage to me. He wasn't on here to repair his M. but to get sympathy from other BS'. He saw him self as a betrayed person rather than a wayward spouse.
I know it hurts unbelievably to be betrayed by the one that you love. Your husband is probably in some sort of denial. I was. I was for about a year. I still feel like I am in a denial at times. I mean this man told me he loved me in front of all our family, friends and God for that matter. And now look! I am doubting my whole relationship with this man. It stinks.

So what would you like out of this forum? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> What can we do for you? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Ali~