Hi fellow MB'ers.

Recovery has been going well between us, but last night I was feeling in need of some TLC from FWW. I have spent a lot of time giving my best shot of affection and cuddles but somehow wanted some initiated by her in return. It didnt come. Selfish demand? maybe, but I couldnt help myself.
I stupidly told her that I felt rejected by her lack of affection and she went to bed, without saying anything. I then pursued her and tried to talk to explain but she just said I dont want to talk, I'm tired and I want to sleep. I then did a major LB and said " I bet you never said to him you were tired and want to sleep". Major error on my part.
After some heated words, I slammed off to the spare room.
This morning, we have talked and tried to make up.
During the conversation, she said that she couldnt give me want I wanted, it was too soon.
She then said that I should "put the A in perspective and see it for what it was, It's not as if I had a relationship with him" Meaning they spent a night together once and hadnt been seeing each other etc. Well, what was it then if it wasnt a relationship? OM was a family friend for over 20 years and they had always had an attraction for one another. I knew this but never in my wildest dreams suspected that they would do this to me now.
She said that I should feel better about this,but I just feel that my relationship must have been so bad that a few sweet words from a "friend" would get her into bed. Should I think like this..?
What should I do now ? Help as always much appreciated.

Hi GB,

What are you and your W doing to rebuild your M? Are you in MC together?

It sounds like your W just wants to gloss over the A and get on with life... Unfortunately, this is very common.

My best 'advice' would be for you to start reading all of the articles here on the MB web site and get a copy of the book Torn Asunder by Dave Carder... and find a good pro-marriage MC.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Hi,

I've ordered the book Torn Asunder and trying to get together with a good MC. I guess you're right , she does appear to want to "trivialise" the A and move on. I wish I could find the way to do this, I dont think she realises just how much I hurt from this and having read so much already, I'm all MB'd out so to speak. It's not what I know, its how I put in practice is the hard thing and avoiding showing the pain I feel in front of her, avoiding the selfish demands and not getting angry are so, so hard to do in reality. I guess I just have to try harder.. ( thats what they said about me at school! :-) )

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Goodbloke:
<strong> It's not what I know, its how I put in practice is the hard thing and avoiding showing the pain I feel in front of her, avoiding the selfish demands and not getting angry are so, so hard to do in reality. I guess I just have to try harder.. ( thats what they said about me at school! :-) ) </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Torn Asunder seemed to help me relate to the pain that I felt much better than Surviving an Affair... I do agree with the MB principles, but early on, I just didn't think that it addressed enough things to help me deal with my pain and anger.

You do need to learn how to create a safe environment for your W so that she will eventually open up with you... SAA is a good book for learning how to do that...

Ask your prosepective MC if they utilize the Harley concepts and if they are pro-marriage... there are many MC out there that will just tell you to get a divorce, so make sure you ask before you give them any of your money!

Semper Fi,
RIf90

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> avoiding showing the pain I feel in front of her, </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why? Showing you are in pain is not an LB. Avoiding selfish demands and controlling your anger is important, but showing your pain is good, not bad. Lack of openness and honesty destroys intimacy. If you pretend you are not hurt, that is being dishonest.

The other thing is, you are really early in recovery. This takes time.

You might be expecting too much to quick. Intimacy will take time. She is probably still in some withdrawal from her OM. It took my a wife a good couple of months to quit dwelling on the OM. As hard as it is, they love the OM more than us at this early stage. Be patient and understanding.

After many months in recovery, my wife was still complaining that she wanted her freedom and independence from me and the kids. She wanted a new job away from me so I finally laid out a plan for her to get what she wanted. I told her to get a new job, then a new apartment, go back to her BF, and live happily ever after. I said I will file for divorce and I will even take over all the bills.

I told her before she goes though, she must go look into the mirror and see what I see, which is an aging 46 year old woman who lies at will, who commits adultry, who is deceitful and who will do it again down the road. I said her final title for herself will be the woman who abandoned her kids. I told her I look forward to the day the younger OM dumps her for a younger woman. At this point, she was completely out of the fog and it caused her to settle down and never bring it up to me again.

I guess it is the 180 degree approach.

TooSoon

I'm utterly baffled by your dedication to stick with such a heartless woman. A person who after hears few sweet words and jumps into bed with another person...is utterly insolent. I suggest you do the same thing and see how it would make her feel. Don't be too insecure of yourself. You deserve better than a wretched spouse.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Yoko Kurama:
<strong> I suggest you do the same thing and see how it would make her feel. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yoko, Unfortunately many BS do go and have "revenge affairs" once they find out that their spouse has strayed... but you can ask many of the great people here that have done so, and every single one of them will tell you that it only made things worse... not better... and in the end, they still felt horrible!

Semper Fi,
RIF

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why? Showing you are in pain is not an LB </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She knows how much this hurts me, its just that when I get low and show I'm hurting, she says that this is "rubbing her face in it" and makes her feel worse about herself. That's why I am trying to avoid it. The rest of the weekend went quite well and we got quite close, but no sex.
I cant quite understand what she was looking for when she went with OM, since although we have known this guy more than 20 years, the relationship (conducted purely by txt msgs and phone calls) couldnt have lasted more than 3 weeks before they spent their night together. Was it just a sex thing or was she looking for a way out of our marriage. She says the latter and says that she has made a huge mistake, but I am having trouble with her ability to do this at what appears to me a very shallow, non meaningful way. Perhaps there's stuff I dont know yet?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Goodbloke:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why? Showing you are in pain is not an LB </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She knows how much this hurts me, its just that when I get low and show I'm hurting, she says that this is "rubbing her face in it" and makes her feel worse about herself. That's why I am trying to avoid it. The rest of the weekend went quite well and we got quite close, but no sex.
I cant quite understand what she was looking for when she went with OM, since although we have known this guy more than 20 years, the relationship (conducted purely by txt msgs and phone calls) couldnt have lasted more than 3 weeks before they spent their night together. Was it just a sex thing or was she looking for a way out of our marriage. She says the latter and says that she has made a huge mistake, but I am having trouble with her ability to do this at what appears to me a very shallow, non meaningful way. Perhaps there's stuff I dont know yet? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi GB... glad you had a good weekend... As for the reasons WHY... that is what a good pro-marriage MC can help you with. You and your W must wade through all of the issues and find out why she felt the need to stray...

Once you do that, and learn how to communicate effectively with each other, you'll be well on your way to rebuilding your M...

Take it slow and don't rush into any rash decisions... Working through all of your relationship issues will take time.

Semper Fi,
RIF