Strayed husband confessed to a 2 year affair with a stripper in Las Vegas on Halloween day. Since then we been seeing a marriage counselor. Things are going very well, and the strayed husband seems to be genuinely remorsed. He has opened up and has been willing to talk about his feelings. We even had great sex twice a week since discovery day. I understand that I have been mean and unloving toward him for the last 2 years. But it seems that we both have turned the corner and have learned to be considerate with each other through counseling. He has repeatedly says that he loves me and will want us to start making our life together, even if we didn't have children together.

I want to keep this family intact for the sake of my children and also for financial reasons. He is a good provider and I don't want my material lifestyle to drop by 75%. I have been telling myself to forgive and to move on. Yet there are days where I think that he was such a [censored] for betraying me and broking his vows. I kept dreaming about sometimes in the future where it's time for me to leave him and he would have no clue since he would think that I had forgiven him and had moved on. I wanted him to feel cheated, lied to, and betrayed.

When will these feelings of revenge stop so that I can truly move on?

The feeling of wanting revenge is normal. I cant say how long it will last, that depends on the recovery.

Just remember its normal to feel that way. You want him to feel the same pain he put you through. Just commit to your recovery, dont dwell on those feelings. If you can discuss them with your MC if you see them at all alone.

In addition to talking to your counselor, I recommend you talk with your husband about your feelings as well. It's called "Radical Honesty" and it is integral in the recovery of the relationship.

I think when I felt the way that you do right now, it was prompted by my deep need for my husband to really feel my pain! I know he knew how badly he hurt me and I knew he was sorry, but still, I wanted him to HURT, HURT, HURT!

After much time and counseling and having honest conversations with my H, I realized I just wanted him to really understand the depth of my pain and the only way I could reasonably assure that was to hurt him as deeply as he hurt me.

This is he same reason people often think of having a "revenge affair" to bring the same pain upon the WS as the BS is feeling. Those who do almost always says it didn't help and it made things worse.

I hope you'll find as you travel this bumpy road that you won't feel this need to exact revenge. It will come, especially if your husband will help to reassure you and help you through this pain he caused.

Keep posting. It really helps.

~ Snow

Hurt,

As others have said the feeling of getting revenge especially this early after discovery is very normal. However you said something you will need to take into account in the future.

You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I understand that I have been mean and unloving toward him for the last 2 years. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You do realize that you broke as many if not more vows than he did? You vowed to love him, to honor him, to cherish him. Did you do those things?

I am not belittling your pain, I am pointing out that he probably did NOT enjoy how you treated him for two years either. Further, sin is sin and you have sinned as well.

So please do some reading here, especially the articles. Give this plenty of time and patience for yourself and your H.

I will leave you with a quote that is worth thinking about in the months to come. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">While it is natural to want some sort of revenge, the affect of revenge is often NOT what one expects and often hurts the person seeking it. You could throw your H away, but what if he turned out to be a good guy who loved you. You would have lost what many seek for most of their life.

Work with your MC and talk about your feelings with your H in counseling. They will change in the months to come. You have both failed your marriage vows, now would be a real good time for "radical honesty" and that means with your spouse and with yourself.

God Bless,

JL

Just learning,

I've realized that I haven't been the most loving wife for the last 2 years, but I went into a depression after my mother's death. The husband's affair started a few weeks after her death. My thinking was when I was at my lowest point and needed him to be there for me, he failed miserably. He seems to be the kind of person who cannot deal with problems. He only likes when things are going well and perfect all the time.

Hurt,

My EA started after my wife went into a depression over a situation at work. While it didnt make it right, it set the stage for it. Let me explain.

When a spouse goes into a depression just due to the nature of depression they stop meeting their spouses ENs. They even stop meeting their own ENs. They quite often become negitive and bitter towards the world. Well, who is the closest person to you? Your spouse. So they recieve the majority of the fallout of that depression.

You said he confessed to the A. Did you suspect anything over the last 2 years? When did he confess?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I understand that I have been mean and unloving toward him for the last 2 years. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My thinking was when I was at my lowest point and needed him to be there for me, he failed miserably. He seems to be the kind of person who cannot deal with problems. He only likes when things are going well and perfect all the time.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I kept dreaming about sometimes in the future where it's time for me to leave him and he would have no clue since he would think that I had forgiven him and had moved on. I wanted him to feel cheated, lied to, and betrayed.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It sounds to me like you have issues with control. So much in your life has been out of control recently, it's no wonder that you dream of turning the tables and being in the power position for a change.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hurt1234:
<strong> Just learning,

I've realized that I haven't been the most loving wife for the last 2 years, but I went into a depression after my mother's death. The husband's affair started a few weeks after her death. My thinking was when I was at my lowest point and needed him to be there for me, he failed miserably. He seems to be the kind of person who cannot deal with problems. He only likes when things are going well and perfect all the time. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's exactly how my dad was w/ my mom. Can't be with someone who leaves you when you're at your lowest point just coz their needs aren't being met. A parent's death is hard enough.

I am disturbed that you would bring in the financial aspect...

The love you have for someone, or the love they have for you should not be contingent on how much money they make.

When I read your post, I felt like you would "put up with more" just because he is 75% of your income....

That sends a very confusing signal about your own healing process???

Hurt1234.

I know what you are going through. At least your H. is showing remorse. You anger is a natural feeling. When I was in IC, I was told that I will go through the greiving process. And anger is one of them. I thought many times, what if I have an affair? I fell asleep wondering what it would be like to feel desirable and wanted to someone again. I wanted that feeling and I wanted to hurt him so bad. It was some kind of therapy for me. Although I didn't act on them. But I certainly did think baout it. A....lot...! But it would have made my life worse. I know what you are going through. A lot of BS' do.

I am not sure when the feelings of revenge will stop? But it will lesson in time and something else might take the place of those feelings. But if you continue to help each other, your anger will lesson and you will focus more on meeting the needs of your H. and vice versa.

Good luck to you!

Ali~

PS also when those feelings come up and you want to stick it to him with an affair your self. Focus on a blank wall until you're calm, and close your eyes and think of a favorite color or place where you love to be and take deep breaths. Continue that process until you wake up to reality. Anger can leave such a fog over your mind when it is not dealt with correctly. Try to let the other feelings win rather than the revenge. It has helped be some. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> hope this helps you too.

John3479,

My husband started doing lots of business in Las Vegas (we live in Los Angeles) around 3 years ago and required him to spend lots of days in Las Vegas. I didn't suspect an affair because he always came up with excuses or reasons. When we had a big fight on Halloween night, he said we've had grown apart and therefore we should just moved on. And I agreed. But when I asked him if there was another woman, he then confessed to his 2 years affair. The stripper now move to Los Angeles. I don't know why but at first I thought if he doesn't love me anymore then we should go our own way. But when he said because he thought I no longer loved him and I was only staying for a marriage of convenience, then I somehow want to fight for my marriage. He ended the affair the next day by phone and said he never loved her. He said even if our marriage didn't work out, he would not want to be with a woman who dated a married man.

Yoko Kurama,

It's that feeling of having your closest person betrayed you during your most difficult time instead of sticking by you that give me the feelings of revenge. I don't know what the future holds, but right now if I have someone else, I would leave this marriage tonight.

JoJo1932,

Yes, the financial aspect is a big reason for me to stay. I am accustomed to a very nice lifestyle, and if I leave him now because of my ego, he will damage me not only emotionally, but also financially. I have not worked for the last 14 years.


I told him that it bothers me when he goes on these out of town trips, but I also know that his business deals are happening right now in Las Vegas. Anything accumulate during the marriage is community property in California, and that means I will get 50% of that wealth. He has agreed to try to make them a day trip rather than overnight stays, but I have no way of control for that. I will have to trust him to arrange his business to fit it all in one day. So right now I have to trust him, which is something I certainly don't have.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He said even if our marriage didn't work out, he would not want to be with a woman who dated a married man.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And this somehow makes it alright? how could he make the stripper look bad...& yet he was the married man? The things they say to the BS just amazes me. Can he be more ironic.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
It's that feeling of having your closest person betrayed you during your most difficult time instead of sticking by you that give me the feelings of revenge. I don't know what the future holds, but right now if I have someone else, I would leave this marriage tonight.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, you defenitely need someone better. I sympathize with you on the death of your loved one because that is probably one of the most difficult things that people have to experience. But your H is unrelaible & inconsiderate. I'm probably gonna get crucified for saying this but I think you should really invest your time looking for someone else. A 2 year affair with a stripper, damn who knows what diseases you're up for. There are myriads of fish in the sea, & if you settle for less, you may never find the right one.

Gulp! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />