My husband and I have been married almost 20 years. and I can say with 99.9% assuredness that he has been faithful; until now. I have certainly been faithfull. Four months ago he accepted a contract position in Afghanistan. I didn't want him to take it but he was adament about accepting because of the money and the opportunity. I was worried about the long separations. But wasn't worried about fidelity because he's on a base with virtually no women at all and there are rules about fraternization anyway. He can only come home once every four months for 12 days or so. So four months ago he left and the only communication we have had has been by phone or e-mail.

He came home this last Saturday to spend Thanksgiving at home and I was so excited to see him after four long months. I planned lots of romantic dinners, all his favorites, sexy nighties, the whole shebang! The minute he got off the plane he acted very strange, he didn't even give me a kiss, and didn't really even look at me. When I asked what was wrong, he stated that he was just really jet lagged. I thought that was reasonable and let it go. I thought surely we would go home and go straight to bed, but he went straight to sleep! No comment about my new sexy nighty!!! At that point I was starting to get really worried. By the next afternoon, he was still acting strange and I kept asking him what was wrong, why did he seem so sad. Then that afternoon, a day after being home, he blurts out, out of the blue "I got drunk in Tashkent three nights ago and slept with someone." I initially thought he was joking and I actually laughed. When I really looked at his face, I knew it was true. I can't begin to convey how devasted I was and still am.

He went on to beg for my forgiveness,and stated that it was the reason he didn't touch me, and that he was too disgusted with himself and filled with so much guilt that he just had to tell me. He aid he was never drinking again and that it would never happen again. I initially felt compelled to forgive him because he genuinely showed remorse. But I'm going through a rollercoaster of overwhelming anger and then I ask questions, vent my anger and feel better for awhile and then the anger builds back up again. I feel this one night stand is especially heinous because of our unusual circumstances. Neither one of us has had sex for four months. I was really looking forward to him being home and we talked and joked about hitting the sack the minute he got home. Then he "does the deed" with some random woman he met in a hotel bar in a poor foreign country after talking to her for two hours! And he was traveling home to be with me, was going to see me in 24 hours! I'm outraged by his selfishness and lack of control! And the possiblity of an STD is always possible even though he says he used a condom that she provided. He seems really worried about an STD which leads me to beleive maybe it was unprotected. I don't know. Maybe she was a prostitute and he paid her. I just don't know if he is trying to soften the blow. He says she was not a prostitute but those hotels are full of them because it is a poor country and they go to the hotels frequented by "rich americans". I'm just driving myself crazy with the mental images in my mind. And I'm ticked off that I'm going to have to be celibate at least another 4 months because I'm certainly not going to have sex with him until he's cleared of all STD's. I'm not sure I can even stomach sleeping with him again four months from now. And worse, our vacation and Thanksgiving holiday that we planned is ruined. How can I put on a charade of the happy wife, glad to have her husband back in front of our 16 year old daughter and his entire large family at Thanksgiving when what I really want to do is slap him silly in front of the world?! I'm just going through a roller coaster of immense anger which then changes to whiney pathetic crying and begging for details, answers and hugs and reassurance. Help! are these feelings normal and am I crazy to try and forgive this selfish, slimey act of his?

Melina,

You have come to the right place. In this fourm you will come to understand "true spin" of your situation. Keep an open dialogue with your husband. Tight lips and anger will not serve you well and above all, read the entire infidelity section of this web site. I cannot explain in words how helpful it was to me. I guess I have to wonder, Why did he tell you about the affair? Why do you think he told you? Please take careful measure of any suggestions I might make to you as I am fairly new to the experience of my wife having strayed and I am just a student. There are others here who have much deeper insight than me.

Mr. G

Hi I am very new here also, I have just gone through somewhat of the same thing as my husband had a weekend fling with a co-worker about 3 weeks ago. I am no expert but I can tell you that your feelings are sooooooo natural as I have been going through the same thing. My husband has been very supportive of my anger and hurt which helps alot and he knows that this process will take time. The fact that your husband is supportive I think is a good thing, although he may have to change some things in his life to make you feel more secure and protected. I sounds like he loves you and wants to keep the marriage together, as far as the holidays go, if YOU need to cancel plans to take care of yourself, then do it. This is a time of grief and hurt for you and YOU need to take care of yourself, at the same time have your husband read some of the posts here on the board and also anything else on the site that deals with infidelity and the process around it. I so wish you the best and hope you can take care of yourself be selfish as far as what you want to do about the holidays, and continue to express you hurts and questions. Again I am no expert, but I am a firm believer in taking care of yourself and I also believe the marriage is not a loss. My husband made a comment to me saying all men are dogs, I retorted with I like dogs much better than I like men right now. HUGS to you.

Melina,

Your feelings are totally normal for all of us have gone through them. In one way you were lucky for my XWW [ex-wayward wife, first wife] was totally unrepentant about her affairs and I finally divorced her.

While I'm far from being an 'expert' I do know that you should put off on making any life altering decisions [stay married or divorced] until a few months have passed by. Decisions made in a highly emotional state almost always come back to haunt us.

I do recommend that you read Dr Willard Harley Jr's book 'Surviving An Affair' and Dave Carder's book 'Torn Asunder' for they are two of the best books about affairs and how to survive them.

Above all, you are NOT alone and we are here for you.

TMCM

I really have no idea why he told me. Probably purely selfish reasons. Unloading his own burden. I'm sure he knew he couldn't endanger me with an STD and I was deffinently wondering why he didn't want to have sex with me so what else could he really do? I'll bet I wouldn't know a thing about it if it happened on the way back to the base.


He went to the doctor yesterday for testing and will get results back tomorrow. Of course AIDS takes a while to be cleared of so, what can I do? In the mean time, he wants to start over. How convienent and easy for him! He's had his night of pleasure and he'll leave again soon and then I'm all alone again with my grief. (Anyone who has a teenager knows, they are never around) I felt really lonely before he came home and I found out about this affair and now I feel more lonely than before. And now I feel shame on top of it. And I honestly don't know why I feel shame! Does the pit in the bottom of your stomach ever go away?

And about Thanksgiving, I can't possibly cancel and dissappoint everyone. They would wonder why and my husband has begged me not to tell anyone because he is so embarrased and ashamed. Again, how convienent for him! I can't hide my sadness and I know everyone will wonder what's wrong with me so I will inevitably come off as the *****y wife. My husband is the perfect man and husband and father in every one elses eyes. Why do I want to shout his infidelity to the world? I guess it's just a way to hurt him back but I know I won't do it. I'm spineless.

Melina,

At least he TOLD you about it. You intuitively sensed something was wrong. You acted on it by pushing him to talk to you and he did. If I were you, I would be grateful for that small favor - it is a sure sign that he cares about you, deeply.

Give it some time to sink in. Ask him about it but try not to worry it to death. I'm sure he is thinking long and hard about it too.

If you read many of the posts here you will find just how dishonest, deceptive, and secretive husbands and wives can be with each other. That dishonesty is more destructive than ANYTHING else that goes on between two people. It's the lies that destroy, because you feel like you can NEVER trust or believe in the other person again when they lie so well to you. At least you don't have that to deal with too.

Give it some time and understand that your rollercoaster anger is quite normal. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Melina,

I admire your husband for protecting your health and for being honest.

Many a faithful spouse has found out about their wayward spouse's betrayal when they came up with herpes or some other STD.

Your husband knew what he did was wrong. He is clearly aware of the pain he has caused you. He is repentant and ashamed. This is all good.

But it doesn't make you feel any better right now. Nothing but time, and love and reassurance from your husband, will make you feel better about this grevious betrayal. It is something you have to go through together.

You want to shout it to the world? I understand. Shout it here. Often exposure is recommended, but only when the person is still involved in the affair. We told a very select few about my H's second affair. And I am so glad now that we didn't tell any of our family. It would not have made our recovery easier.

You can get through Thanksgiving, even though you feel you have nothing to be thankful for right now. But you really do. You have a wonderful family, a daughter and a husband who loves you as much as he hates himself right now.

Keep posting. It'll help.

~ Snow

Who says he has to go back to Afghanistan? He's not in the military, so he can quit anytime he wants right?

No, he does not have to go back. We even discussed that. He said that he would do what ever it took to make me feel comfortable and if I needed him to stay home, he would do it. Unfortunately, he is up for a huge promotion when he goes back, with an even more rediculously large salary and he originally took the position for the "betterment of his family". To pay for college for our daughter and our dream home in a different state. The new position would be a huge accomplishement on his resume. I know that it is important to him to be able to learn new job skills and be able to afford to send our daughter to college and not burden her with tuition loans and to provide well for his family. So I would feel like a totally selfish insecure shmuck to make him stay when he has repeadedly assured me it will never happen again. He even offered to not leave his hotel room in Tashkent but talk to me on the phone the whole evening and order room service. (no alcohol involved - ever, he keeps repeating) Going back will be the last time he will be in that hotel or even in Tashkent, and all other travel for R&R's in future will be through Dubai, probably no hotel stay involved at all. I havn't given him a deffenite answer, but I feel that I should let him go and trust him and his word. He has repeatedly told me how disgusted and ashamed he is about the whole incident and that he had even wished his plane would crash on the way home because he knew he was going to have to tell me and felt so bad.

He has spent the last two days showering me with gifts, hugs, kisses and "I love you's" and even went so far as to buy both of us new wedding rings saying we were starting again. I'm not a material person at all so I think it's sweet but would really rather have had his being faithful to me. But, today I'm feeling a little better about the future and am enjoying the every day best friend conversations with him that we've always had in the past. I still have that pit in the bottom of my stomach, but I havn't cried once today. I guess that's a start.

We originally looked at this position in Afghanistan as a temporary small hardship on the family because of the time apart but I had no idea the cost would be so high. Money is deffintely not everything! But I know that I can't keep a leash on him. I will have to learn to trust him again or it will never work. And he is doing his best I think to say and show that he means it, so we will see how it goes. I am not looking forward to Thanksgiving though with the whole family vying for his attention tomorrow (he's the baby and favorite son with a clingy mother)but he assured me he won't leave my side tomorrow because he understands I need him. So I think we'll get through it just fine.

I would like to know if anyone thinks I am nuts or simply being naieve to let him go back to Afghanistan?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> And now I feel shame on top of it. And I honestly don't know why I feel shame! Does the pit in the bottom of your stomach ever go away? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have the same pit. It hits me fresh every day. I truly hope it goes away. Your use of the word shame really got my attention, because I feel the same way but never used that word. You had a very long marriage. We are ?celebrating? our 21st anniversary next week. Maybe the shame comes from having to lie to the world - that you don't really don't have a long term monagamous marriage - that he risked you for a fling. This is a terribly difficult thing to give up - this story to the world that you have a happy marriage and it's all good. Now you have to lie too.

I have shame, embarrasment, dissapointment that he didn't respect/love me enought to be faithful. That he was willing to lie to me for the rest of his life so he could have sex with her. This is my husband, my marriage. That his sexual attraction for her was strong enough to wipe out his marriage vows and his promises to protect and honor and love me. That's a bitter pill.

It's really hard. Good luck to you. I hope he decideds you and your marriage are more important than any job.

Melina and Lilybelle,

I know you are hurting. But know that things do get better with time and work on the relationship. I'd like to share with you a couple of nuggets of wisdom that have been shared with me on this forum. Lilybelle, you said...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have shame, embarrasment, dissapointment that he didn't respect/love me enought to be faithful. That he was willing to lie to me for the rest of his life so he could have sex with her. This is my husband, my marriage. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you going to let three months of bad judgement define your husband and your marriage? What is your marriage like now? Have you made a marriage you both enjoy and can be proud of? What is your husband like? What kind of man is he now?

I don't know if that pit in your stomach ever completely goes away, but on the rare occasion when it does flare up, I remind myself to feed the marriage and not the monster that is trying to drag me down to its dark world.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe the shame comes from having to lie to the world - that you don't really don't have a long term monagamous marriage ... This is a terribly difficult thing to give up - this story to the world that you have a happy marriage and it's all good. Now you have to lie too. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What makes you think that not spilling your guts, not revealing the intimacies of your marriage makes you a liar? And just how many long term truly monagamous marriages do you think are out there? Sadly, infidelity is not as uncommon as we would like to believe.

Hang in there. Draw up a recovery plan. And have some fun together. Make some new memories to replace those painful ones. Which brings me to your question Melina:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I would like to know if anyone thinks I am nuts or simply being naieve to let him go back to Afghanistan? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How long will he be gone? Speaking from my own experience, I don't think my marriage would have survived if my husband hadn't been around and actively rebuilding the marriage.

Best of luck to you, hon.

Nat

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Are you going to let three months of bad judgement define your husband and your marriage? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hmmm - am I letting it define our marriage? I guess to some extent I am. I feel like my M ended when he decided to seduce her. The first time he took her in his arms, he broke us. He risked me to be with her.

I look to the other posters here that say the old M is over - can't be fixed but a new better M can be formed. This gives me hope.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What is your marriage like now? Have you made a marriage you both enjoy and can be proud of? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am one of the lucky ones - he is trying, in his way, to help me thru this. We are in MC and he says he is going to try to find out why he did this. He still gets very defensive. Lord knows he needs to be when my evil twin <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> is venting and hammering. I am having great difficulty forgiving him. I know I need to do this, but I am curently stuck in resentment. It wasn't such a hard thing for me to be faithful. I have lost so much. I can't look at my pregnancy pictures. I can't see a pregnant woman without seeing the "movie" of them. I am having trouble wearing my ring. I was wearing it while they were making love - while he was betraying me and enjoying the process.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What is your husband like? What kind of man is he now? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He is a good man. Our D loves him. He is a flirt. Women love him. He has 3 sisters. I am his 3rd wife. I was going to be the different one. We had 8 years of fidelity and I thouight, a good M, before he started the A. He has been my best friend for 23 years.

He works very hard and that is part of the problem. We have discovered thru this crisis that he has a solid history of discounting me and my needs - putting work and golf and business first. He has alway given the excuse of work. It's a long story (father relationship, fat as a kid, blaah blah) but the good news is we both realize it now and he claims he will be doing the personal work to see why. He is planning on seeing our MC individually on occasion. This, I assume, will give us a better M than we had. It's just such a slow process and the rollercoaster and the "movie" make it very hard. This is the time of the year of his A. Our M anniversary and the holidays bring up many triggers.

I know it was 14 years ago but now I question everything.

Melina,
Of course, you must weigh all of the advice you receive here and determine what will work for your own situation. I'm new here as well, but I've lurked here long enough to learn that these folks know what they're talking about, so you're in a good place.
My only input here is that I cannot imagine trying to deal with the effects of infidelity with my husband away in another country. I just can't see that working out at all. In my opinion, no amount of income would be worth having him take off and leave me to deal with "it" alone. Of course, I'm not you, but I would urge you to do much reading here and notice that it's a long process. I've been told it takes most BS's a year to even really determine whether they feel their marriage is worth saving. With him gone. . . it just doesn't feel "right" to me.
Also, you're not even sure yet whether you know the whole story (prostitute? maybe, maybe not). How will you know if he leaves again?
Read, read, read. . . and keep posting. These people will be of great help to you.
Best wishes,
PM

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My only input here is that I cannot imagine trying to deal with the effects of infidelity with my husband away in another country. I just can't see that working out at all. In my opinion, no amount of income would be worth having him take off and leave me to deal with "it" alone. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I must agree (as I usually do) with papermom. I understand financial needs but this is more important. If you decide that your 20 year marriage is worth rebuilding, don't you need him with you? It sounds like you had a plan before he took this job to meet your financial obligations. It would be easier with more money, but how will you feel when he's there and you're at home? I am afraid you will distance from him if he isn't available to you. I really hope you got through the holiday difficulties and had some peace with your huusband. From your posts, it seems that there is still much love in your marriage. Good luck this weekend.

Melina,

Take a few things into consideration when you and your H decide, together, whether he should return to Afghanistan.

1. You will feel abandoned, no matter that you both agree on his return. You will feel forced into accepting his leave as something that is "good for the family" but it may not be good for YOU. Yes, your marriage can heal when he comes back. Can you deal with the feelings of abandonment and keep them in check? Or will you resent your H's leaving (even though you agree to his departure?).

2. Despite his gifts and the new rings and all, you will wonder, each and every day he is gone, if he's whoring it up in Tashkent. I put it this way because you are likely to slowly turn angry while he's gone. If he stays you will become angry, too, but he'll be here to work things through with you. If he leaves, you will have to stow all of that anger until he returns, or write hateful letters he won't want to read and has little way to adequately respond.

3. Your life will be in limbo. You'll feel like he's gone back to do his financial duty to the family and he's all happy as a clam to be back to "life as normal." But for you, Melina, it will not be "back to normal" for a very long time. Many professionals put it at two years. As others have posted, it might take a year to even know if you want to stay married. Your husband does not realize all of this. He may be recommitted to your marriage and may never even have a thought of straying again... however, he can not expect you to buy into his honesty at this point. And nor should you.

Thing is, you can do this either way. Work on your marriage from afar, or work on it from close range. Close range is easier. Some people don't have a choice on working on their marriage from afar (as those who are deployed). But you two have a choice. Whatever you choose, make sure you BOTH understand the costs involved. Don't make sacrifices you can't handle because resentment and anger will be close behind. And you'll need to KNOW you can deal with them through letters and phone call snippets.

Just how strong are you? That is the question. And don't be ashamed if you feel very weak right now. You're semblance of your world has been truly shattered.

~ Snow

Melina,

I also strongly agree with Papermom and Lilybelle. The extra income could come at a very high price: your marriage and an intact home for your daughter. My marriage absolutely could not have come through this without my husband being there 24/7 to answer my questions, to hold me when my body was convulsing from the pain and the sobbing, to reassure me that my husband had not been replaced by some terrible stranger. And he needed to see what his infidelity had done to me and to our marriage. He needed to have his eyes opened.

Melina, I am afraid that you and your husband will be deprived of those opportunities if he goes overseas.And as Lilybelle said, it looks like you two have a lot of love and compassion for each other. My counsellor told me that that was the litmus test that determines whether a marriage survives something like this.

I don't want to discourage you, but it will take time (at least 2 years) and a good recovery plan to work through this. And you do have to work THROUGH it, not around it. You need your husband to do that with you.

And no, you won't feel this miserable for the next two years, thank God! The painful episodes and triggers will become shorter and less and less frequent. There is a light at the end of the tunnel!

Lilybelle, (sorry to thread-jack Melina!)
I really relate to your story because I reacted in much the same way. Integrity is a huge value for me. I couldn't believe that my own husband had shown such a terrible lack of it. Believe me, I did not spare him the full effects of my pain. And actually, I think that's a good thing. It's about honesty and it re-builds intimacy. It showed him how much I cared about our marriage and him. It showed him how he nearly destroyed me and our marriage for some temporary indulgences. I think (my opinion)that showing him my pain will help to safeguard our marriage in the future.

I remember the resentment stage clearly. And I think you probably have to go through it, as you do all the other stages. After languishing in it for a while, I decided to just use the time to take care of myself. Take yoga classes. Treat myself to massages and an occasional good chocolate. And to have some FUN with myself, my friends and with my husband. I believe FUN to be key to recovery. You'll know when it's time to create some new memories and enjoy the marriage you have now. Don't wait too long, though. You'll be hurting yourself as well as those around you and your marriage. Somebody aptly said here that resentment is a poison you feed yourself while you wait for the other person to suffer. Or something like that! I'm always mixing these things up!!!

Good luck to both of you. Give yourself time and care.

Nat

Melina, please go to the General Questions forum and read Sandigirl's thread. I think it will give you some insight.
Warm wishes,
PM