Ok so I am brand new to this and don't know exactly where to start. I am very grateful for the post that explained all the acronyms.
Well my one year wedding anniversary was yesterday and 3 months ago I found out that my husband was having an affair. I left him and was gone for about 6weeks when he asked me to come back and work on things. He promised that things were over and all that good stuff that they say but I was only back for a week when I found out that not only was this affair an emotional one but a physical one and was still going on. We have only been married for a year and I don't know if I can really take this anymore. Yes I want to fix this but he is not willing to do what it takes....he won't really even talk about it. He can't commit to end things with her because he says that he is in love with her and says he always has been. The OW was an exgirlfriend before me and someone he has known for a long time. Should I just let it all go? I don't know what to do.....

tcutler,

So sorry you are here under these circumstances!! Any children yet?

Why in the world did he ask you to come back if he has always loved her, etc.? Confused fogbabble I guess.

If you want to work on the marriage you must stop the A. If he doesn't want to, then you expose it. Is the XGirlfriend married?

The other option of course is to bail. Or move straight to Plan B. He asked you to come back once.

Stay strong and keep reading and conversing here. Keep us up to date.

k

This is Tcutler....i changed my user name to myrtlerose.....no the OW does not have a boyfriend....WH has been her only love of her life...she hasn't had any other men so you think that after we got married she would of moved on....who knows what is going to happen....she is 24 and still lives with her parents and I have been thinking about calling them and letting them know about what is going on...her dad is a baptist preacher....I am afraid to expose it because of WH response...but I can take plan B and just leave after I expose the whole thing? I don't know....I am totally confused I feel like I am just stupid....I haven't noticed any other "newlyweds" who go through this....is this normal for the first year of marriage to have a husband who cheats on you....I know I can't change the choice I made to marry him but what am I to do.....and no there are no children...thank heavens....

The same thing has happened to others here. Please expose the A to her family. Yes, your husband will be angry - but he will get over it.

I would let him do some soul-searching. He needs to get over the fantasy of this OW.

Stick with us, and we will help you through this.

maybe I should wait till after the holidays to expose this? there is a small part of me who desires to make the holidays miserable for her....aaagggghhh!!!! i just want to scream....anyway...I need to calm down...i have been on the biggest emotional roller coaster...one moment I love him and want to be with him the next moment I want to run as far away from him as I can....i have asked myself why he has done this so many times....I have asked him a billion...he says he thinks he never really loved me and has always loved her....why I am so stupid....aagghh!!!

You are not the only one going through those emotions. All of us betrayed spouses have been on the emotional rollercoaster, but you are the only one that can determine when it's time for you to step off. I've been married for 4 years and my husband started his affair 1 month before our 4th anniversary and has been ongoing for the past 8 months. Like everyone says, you are the only one who knows what you want. If you want your husband, the affair needs to be exposed. For me, my husband had wanted to come home after 4 months of the affair and stupidly I let him. After soul-searching I decided to confront the OW and found out that the affair was still ongoing with this new information, I finally put my foot down and told my husband that he needed to look into himself and make an honest and open decision and if the decision would hurt me, he just needed to come clean. From that point on, I've done so many things for myself and have gotten to the point that I don't miss my husband as much as I use to. It may be because we live 3.5 hours away from each other. But I know that doing things for myself and improving my outlook on life by going to church and surrounding myself with family and friends have helped me get through the rough patches when I have an "emotional overload."

I still have moments in which I love my husband with all my heart and at other times I feel like raking him over the coals. But I know that I am the only one that can change my future. So if you want to change your future, you need to do what will make you happy and if your husband chooses to come back then he will but if chooses to go on with his life without you, you will definitely feel great about yourself because you won't be looking back and wondering why on earth you put a stop to your life while waiting for him.

Please know that we are here for you - good luck and remember you are the driver's seat!

thanks...I do feel like my life is on hold right now. I am not progressing in anyway. I am hoping that he will just wake up in the morning and snap out of it. He will want to be with me and want to work on things. He doesn't really want to be with me anymore....he really has checked out emotionally and physically from me. I am just standing around like a hurt puppy waiting for the salt to be poured on the wound again to make it hurt even more and not heal. It's so confusing. I want to stay with him...I want to see him happy...right now he is miserable and he doesn't want me around....I am going to have to expose this and leave...if he wants me back he is going to have to do a lot...a whole lot...aagghhh!!!! This is the worst feeling in the world. I would much rather die then lose the one I have vowed to be with forever. This is so horrible. I have decisions to make and I don't know if my head is clear enough to make them.

So over the weekend I found him at her house....i was a basket case....I have never actually screamed at him and that night I couldn't help myself...it was the last slap in the face....I of course eventually calmed down and he apologized....but I still don't trust him....he says that he has always desired her and it's hard for him to stop....i don't know if he is going to...i just need to stop thinking about him...but I have this thing in my head that says I am being selfish if I want out of this and if I leave him...even if he treats me like this I feel bad for wanting to get out of it...marriage is suppose to last forever...oh who am I kidding...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by myrtlerose12478:
<strong> ...but I have this thing in my head that says I am being selfish if I want out of this and if I leave him...even if he treats me like this I feel bad for wanting to get out of it...marriage is suppose to last forever...oh who am I kidding... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There is good selfish and bad selfish. Good selfish, wanting out when you learn he married you while still being hot for this other woman, is self-respect, self-esteem. (Unless, that is, you wrote your own wedding vows and promised to stay in the marriage even if the groom cheated. If that was in your vows, explicitely spelled out, then you MUST stay, because you made a vow.)

Bad selfish is wanting to stay married to you while getting his end wet with the other woman. Bad selfish is wanting to date her but not wanting to make an honest woman of her. Bad selfish is lying to yourself, lying to your wife, and keeping two women on a string.

Get out while you don't have any children. It only gets worse when you have to look at the hurt in their little faces as your cheating spouse betrays them along with you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bellevue:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by myrtlerose12478:
<strong> ...but I have this thing in my head that says I am being selfish if I want out of this and if I leave him...even if he treats me like this I feel bad for wanting to get out of it...marriage is suppose to last forever...oh who am I kidding... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There is good selfish and bad selfish. Good selfish, wanting out when you learn he married you while still being hot for this other woman, is self-respect, self-esteem. (Unless, that is, you wrote your own wedding vows and promised to stay in the marriage even if the groom cheated. If that was in your vows, explicitely spelled out, then you MUST stay, because you made a vow.)

Good selfish is being grownup enough to tell the world "I made a mistake and now I'm fixing it. I made a bad marriage. I am divorcing my cheating spouse."

Good selfish is looking into the future, thinking about the children you hope to have, and thinking whether you want one of them telling you "Mommy, I don't like to go to the Smith's house because Daddy treats their little girl better than he treats me." Think it won't happen? Think again. Be good selfish for the sake of the kids you haven't had yet.

Bad selfish is wanting to stay married to you while getting his end wet with the other woman. Bad selfish is wanting to date her but not wanting to make an honest woman of her. Bad selfish is lying to yourself, lying to your wife, and keeping two women on a string.

Get out while you don't have any children. It only gets worse when you have to look at the hurt in their little faces as your cheating spouse betrays them along with you. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

ok so I know that he is being the bad selfish one here and I want to help him. I want this marriage to work....he doesn't see any of it...he doesn't know what he wants...he can't tell me to go away for good...he doesn't know if he wants to be with her...he wants to just stay right where he is at....he doesn't want to break his parents hearts because of what he has done...they still don't know and I don't know how to tell them...he tells me that I don't understand and that I am unveiling this at the wrong time...he says that he isn't prepared emotionally or mentally for the consequences of his actions and I am pushing him to make choices he isn't ready to make....i don't know...didn't he choose his consequences when he made the choice to have an Affair...this is so dumb...i want this to work...but is it ever going to...is he ever going to come around?

Oh my goodness....last night was horrible. I told the OW parents about the A....she lives at home and the A has been going on in their house and I felt like they should no so they could help some how....I don't know...it was so nerve racking and I was scared...but I wrote them a letter and gave it to them in person. My WH found out because the OW of course told him...he was irrate and he says that there is no way that things could work out between us anymore...that I crossed the line by telling her parents he said it was none of my buissness to tell them....was I wrong? It says that you are suppose to expose the affair.....he went crazy on me....he has been talking suicide and all this garbage...is it just to make me feel even worse...if I want my marriage to work out of this am I suppose to stay around? I am so confused and scared....what am I to do

i'm leaving him. plan b is going into affect...he doesn't want plan a so i am gone...i've done all I could do and can't do any more

MR,

You did the right thing and IT WAS YOUR BUSINESS. He is your H and she was/is having an affair with him. He is just being the usual jerk when the A is exposed. AS for there being no more marriage, YOU get the call on this MR, not him. He was never really married to you.

Personally given the shortness of the marriage, the lack of children and the ongoing affair, plan B is right and then I think Plan D might be something to consider.

You have done very well, and you definitely did the right thing by exposing this affair to her parents as it was taking place in their home. I suspect they did NOT approve of that did they? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hang in there, and make your decisions as you wish. It is your call and so take your time making it.

God Bless,

JL

No they(the OW parents) did not approve....it was rough...I don't know about plan d....the hard thing is that I love him so much and think that he is going to come around....i think for some reason i have some sort of dependent love thing going with him. i need to get into some personal counseling...i have been lied to for so long I don't know what is right any more...i know I haven't been married as long as alot of people in here but I thought things would really last forever...this really sucks....i know it's my choice to stay with him....i just don't know anymore...it was so hard to leave today....lots of tears...i am now in AZ and he is back in OH...we will see what happens....i told him not to contact me until he was completely sure he wanted to be with me and had gotten himself out of the mess he is now in....i don't know...it's tough....so many tears...aagghh!!!

So I cracked his email password....I had access to it for only a few hours before he realized that I did it...but I found emails to her again...when I left him in Ohio it seemed a little promising...he told me he loved me and that was going to miss me...sort of like he was going to fix things and then I was going to come back maybe....anyway....he sent her an email the night I left saying how much he loved her and how much joy she brings to him....he really isn't going to stop this....am I the one who has to say Divorce.....I think I am and I am so scared to do it....we don't have kids.....we have only been married for a year and it's been going on for at least 6 months of that year....there really isn't any hope for this....aaggghhh!!!!~!!1#$@%^#$^$%*& sorry...but I think i need to get out of this chat room....wish I could of made it here sooner before i felt so helpless.....

You are still very early in this. Your husband is behaving like the typical WS. Now is the time to work on yourself, and let him sit on the back burner. They do crazy things during an affair, and at least you have removed yourself from that.

Keep reading and posting here. Things do get much better.

I don't think he is going to change....He is not willing to stop the lies....I have found out that he has lied to most people in his life and it is a behavior that I don't want my kids to have...they need a better example...someone with morals....