hello, i am new here. found out my wife of 18 years had an affair from june of 03 tiloct.04. it would probably still be going on, but i caught her.it was mostly over the internet, we are in kansas, he in fla. tho they did meet physically at least 4 times. there has been nc between them since oct 20.we are in therapy and i am dying to forgive and work this out to make our m better then ever.i know about the withdrawal she is going thru, but 4 how long? she says she is willing to try, but i dont see much effort yet.we have 2 girls 15 and 13, and 1 son,6. i am trying to be supportive and patient w/ her, but it is hard when it seems i am the only one trying.i didnt realize until this happened how much i truly love her, and cant stand the thought of losing her and breaking up my family. can anyone out there relate, help me? i have been reading on this site for about a week and the support really helps. thank you!

I was in a very similar situation to you 3 years ago in Oct., except my wife was clearly trying from the beginning, though withdrawal made things difficult. I think Willard Harley says something like "During withdrawal, people don't really make much progress." The link in my signature line is a collection of the best resources that I found that helped me and us. Click and read.

john, thanks for the input, iguess what i really wonder about is how long the withdrawal? i know right now she can not make much progress, d day was exactly 5 weeks ago. still we are getting along pretty well and it seems to be getting a little better for me. i am trying plan a as best i can, but i started sleeping on the couch 2 nights ago. dont know if thats good or bad. she didnt ask me to, and in fact told me that i could sleep in bed. i told her it didnt feel right sleeping in the same bed w/ someone who didnt want me there. was i wrong? please help w/ any input anybody out there might have. thank you for the support

The part of Plan A you should be doing right now is the first and most important part, the part that you should learn to do for the rest of your life in all your relationships, all the time - eliminate love busters. Meeting needs will do little while she is still in withdrawal, and is likely to make you frustrated by her lack of response, though you are certainly allowed to, especially those needs she seems to appreciate - just don't expect much at first. Being honest about your feelings is good, too. Exposure is inapropriate (except to the OM's wife), as long as you can verify that there is no further contact between them.

But, Plan A is really about ending an affair. You need to be in a Plan for Recovery - committing to giving each other the gifts of time, care, honesty, prtection, and learning to use the Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA) to resolve conflicts. The POJA did not seem realistic to me when I first read it. But ,IMO, it is the key to a good marriage, and to doing a good job on protecting and caring for each other.

5 weeks should be enough time to come out of the fog.

Is she remorseful? Committed to rebuilding the M?

i told her it didnt feel right sleeping in the same bed w/ someone who didnt want me there.

Did she tell you that she didn't want you there? Or because of her A you assume she doesn't want you anywhere.

I think there could be withdrawal, but also very deep guilt and depression as she is coming out of the fog. When the WS starts realizing there are other people in this world besides the OP and WS, and see the pain and agony they have caused they usually go into deep do do. Their guilt can look like withdrawal.

Does she say she is in withdrawal?

Does she spill her guts at therapy?

Does she realize she has done wrong? Or is she pissed that you found out and can't continue?

You are sure there is no contact? My FWW's A was an internet A. He lived (lives, I guess if he is still alive)in Phoenix and we in SoCal.

She did NC on Dday, he called a week later and she immediately told me. I called him and told him to F off and there has been nothing since.

SHE SHUT DOWN HER OTHER EMAIL ACCOUNT. Gave me her password for the current account. Has blocked his email on her computor, and anything else we can think of so there will be no contact, like caller ID.

She hates the thought of him now.

Stay strong and take care of yourself.

k

krusht, thanks for the input. I dont know if i could honestly say she is remorseful or not yet but she says she is willing to try to work this out. as far as being committed to rebuild m, i dont know for sure either, tho she is willing to go to mc, i take that as a good sign, right now i am trying to find anything remotely positive and hold on to it. we had problems before her A , but i was unaware she was unhappy. i have made it clear to her thru therapy that i am willing to change and be the husband i should have been all along, tho i know drifting apart like we did was both of our fault. and ,no, she didnt ask me to sleep on the couch, i just thought it felt a little awkward/uncomfortable in the bedroom. we have not had sex in over a year, but i still enjoy talking to her in bed when we have the chance. i would like to sleep in bed again, i just dont know if i should. thanks for listening, any more advice/oppinions appreciated

Welcome. It sounds very promising to me, especially since she will go to counseling. It is not uncommon for withdrawal to last quite awhile. Just be sure to try to meet her emotional needs.

Also you can move back into the bed. You are her husband after all.

What's up with no sex for a year? Was that due to her affair?

believer, thanks for the encouragement,it helps. as far as the no sex goes, i guess iit was mostly due to the A, tho not entirely.we had been going to counseling for a year while the A was going on behind my back. obviously, no progress was made during this time. it seems to be getting a little better now, i am trying hard to meet all her needs while not pressuring her and giving her time to get thru withdrawal. how long should i give her to actually make a conscious effort and decision if she WANTS to work this out? i am ready and willing for the long haul, i have told her the m is worth fighting for as far as i am concerned, and i wont go down without a fight.should i back off and give her space, or try harder? thanks for the help

Start in Plan A, and expect nothing in return. That is the way it usually goes. And withdrawal can take several months. While you are in Plan A, your wife will notice, but probably won't give you too much encouragement.

Stick with us. We've been there. You might want to try posting on general questions, as holidays and weekends are slow, and there is much more traffic there.

ARJDAD.

OK, no sex for a year and the A was going on at that time, did you ever ask WTF???

Read "His Needs/Her Needs". Do the questionnaire and find out what her top 3 ENs are and fulfill them.

Plan A your a$$ off.

She was going to the OM to obtain some ENs that you were not providing. Once you start providing these, better than the OM, then her withdrawal, (if it is withdrawal, and not depression) should become less immediately.

k