This is, of course, a long drawn-out story. My husband and I started dating 12 1/2 years ago. We were on-again, off-again because we fought a lot. During the time we dated he would go out with his friends and I would find girls' phone numbers in his pants, etc. He liked the attention and was probably looking to replace me. Anyway, we got married. I honestly thought that he was upstanding and had morals and a good character and anything that he did before we were married was irrelevant. Wrong. We have continued to have a turbulent marriage. What a surprise. While I was pregnant with our now-three-year-old son, he was talking to a girl he had dated 20 years ago on the phone. It had never bothered me before when they would occasionally talk but she started calling a lot, asking for him and not really talking to me. I decided that I didn't want them talking anymore, so I just didn't tell him one time when she called for him. After that they talked secretly. I explained to my husband that married people don't have friends like that. If it was a guy he was talking to I might have felt differently, but it's always women. They started talking to each other about their marital problems, blah blah blah. It culminated in me finding he was having cybersex (with other women)online when my son was 14 months old. At that time I debated whether to divorce but he convinced me to stay. Saying he wouldn't be in the game rooms as much and that he would really try to work on our marriage. To be honest, I was suspiscious and tortured him about it for the next two years. We had some good spells (briefly) and during the last one I got pregnant with our second child. The 1st three months of the pregnancy were terrible for me; I was very sick. Anyway, we didn't get along at all and he said this baby was a mistake and that we should divorce. I told him no. Now, I found out that he's cyber-sexing it up again with some woman he met in a game room. This wouldn't be such a surprise to me based on our recent bad time, but the last 2 weeks have been great. We both said we would stop fighting and really get along, and we have.I just happened to wake up this morning and got on the computer to check my e-mail and he left himself signed in to his yahoo mail account. I felt guilty about even thinking to check it, but I did and found sexual e-mails from this woman. He obviously has been communicating with her for awhile. She is also married. I e-mailed her to tell her I know about all of this, and I called my husband who is at work.

He is saying the typical junk. I'm sorry, I'm a jerk. It was a mistake. We weren't getting along when this started and she kept e-mailing him so he kept getting involved. The worst part (that I know of) is that he e-mailed her twice last night while my son and I were sitting in the other room waiting to spend time with him. He says it doesn't mean anything because she lives in another country and that it won't happen again.

He has this pattern of cyber-cheating to make himself feel better. He's selfish and I can't stand him. He's just not my type of person. I took marriage vows that were for better or for worse, not I'll be faithful as long as you make me happy. I really want to look for someone who is like me, monogamous by nature, no matter what. That's what I should have done the first time around, but I didn't have the balls to leave him.He is in general a great father. He is intelligent and funny. We get along great in bed. I don't know how I can tear my son away from him; he's crazy about him.

I just know that this won't be the last time it happens and I can't keep going through this. I don't trust him and I never will now. He says his life is open to me and I can have his passwords and everything. I don't want a husband that I have to keep checking up on to make sure he's being faithful. Isn't there any man left on this planet that is faithful no matter what?
I have never cheated and have said I never would but I can't keep going through this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 2-timed again:
<strong> I just know that this won't be the last time it happens and I can't keep going through this. I don't trust him and I never will now. He says his life is open to me and I can have his passwords and everything. I don't want a husband that I have to keep checking up on to make sure he's being faithful. Isn't there any man left on this planet that is faithful no matter what?
I have never cheated and have said I never would but I can't keep going through this. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There is a lot in that statement. Let's take it one at a time, okay?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 2-timed again:
<strong> I just know that this won't be the last time it happens and I can't keep going through this. I don't trust him and I never will now.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your trust in him is completely demolished, and for good reason. Your husband has never demonstrated complete faithfulness to you for any length of time during your entire relationship. Can it be possible? I think your H needs to get into individual counseling and the two of you into marriage counseling before you can get a clear answer. In any event, you can't trust him until he demonstrates he is capable of being honest.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 2-timed again:
<strong> He says his life is open to me and I can have his passwords and everything. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Take him up on it. Tell him that for the next two years, minimum, you want all his passwords, passcodes, etc. and you are going to install software on your computer that lets you monitor his each and every word, every place he goes, and everything he does on the computer. He should agree to this readily. If he does not, he is not truly interested in opening his life to you. That doesn't mean he never will. It just means he might need to work on his own issues in individual counseling before he can actually pull this off.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't want a husband that I have to keep checking up on to make sure he's being faithful. [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When you are a faithful person, it really sucks to have to play super slueth or warden with your own spouse. But again, no one says you have to do this at all. But if you want to save your marriage, you will have to adjust to the fact that you will be compelled by your own mistrust to do this for a long time to come -- and that is OK. It is part of trust-building. My husband cheated twice so I know it would have been impossible to rebuild trust without the implicit invitation from him to be completely transparent and to accept my checking up, whenever I felt like it. We're at oh, 2-1/2 years out from the last dday and I still have an urge to check something or other now and then. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. And it is rare. But I couldn't have recovered the trust I have in my husband right now if he wasn't a truly open book FOR AS LONG AS I NEED HIM TO BE. (Which is forever, by the way).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 2-timed again:
<strong>Isn't there any man left on this planet that is faithful no matter what?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yep. There are lots of them on this very board with unfaithful wives who have never thought to cheat on their wives. Early on it just seems like no marriage escaped infidelity. On a board like this it seems unanimous. It really isn't.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have never cheated and have said I never would but I can't keep going through this. [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nope, you can't keep going through this. But this statement concerns me. If the two of you don't get down to the heavy work of marriage rebuilding (i.e., the personal counseling for your husband and the marriage counceling for you both), this is likely to keep happening. Then you are faced with a choice: In order to keep my family together, do I tolerate his behavior... or do I return the affections of this new guy who stumbled in my life so I can be happy.... or do I live in abject misery forever?

These are very real threats to your marriage, that you can be worn down and do things you once thought unimaginable.

Read "Surviving an Affair" by Harley and/or "After the Affair" by Abrams-Spring. "Not Just Friends" by Glass is also a good read. Others will recommend their favorites, too.

There is help here and out there. But there has to be dedication to the task on both parts.

Hang in there.

~ Snow

OK 2T

First of all welcome to MBers and please ask questions, someone will likely know the ans or have an idea where to find one.

Now when this first happened did you get any MC or counselling at all? You did not mention it so I wondered??????

Your h is hooked, addicted to the web in general and then chat rooms specifically. This is unfortunately not uncommon. An addiction or web habit is unhealthy when it causes or creates hurtful situations such as this. What your H has been doing is creating a fantasy world and this has escalated to a real EA and he is NOT working on the M. he’s totally hooked.

There is only one thing to be done IMHO and that is for him to get professional help first on the addiction and then on your M with you at a pro M councillor..
I don’t think the M work will succeed until the addiction to the web is resolved, but a MC is the proper person to ask that one. From what I have read it will take time.
Then he has to face the truth of his Emotional Affairs, the EA‘s. Doesn’t matter if they are a fantasy or not in his opinion they are really hurting the M and YOU so they ARE real & have to be addressed.

I suggest you read what you can on this site and then some of the books that are recommended like Torn Asunder etc.
But look, professional help IS required & that person will advise on when to start the MC with your H .
Now you also need to look after yourself & that may mean you need to see a IC yourself or start work with the MC by yourself.
Don’t let his addiction cause you & your son further distress if at all possible, please look at getting the support YOU need as well.
Hopefully there will be someone here who has experienced something similar and can give you some down to earth practical advice as well.

Thank you for your reply. I'm kind of all over the place emotionally right now and your comments were clear-headed, which I am not. No matter what I say, I'm not a cheater. Never have been, never will be. It's just not in my nature to find solace elsewhere.If I'm miserable I just deal with it.

I'm still not sure what I'm going to do, but if I do stay I think counseling is required. My husband wouldn't go to counseling last time as he said it isn't right to air our dirty laundry. He would have no choice this time. I also need him to attend marriage counseling with me, give me all his passwords, etc. Actually, no more game rooms, no more yahoo mail. Sometimes I think the internet is the devil, but really it just gave him a way to cheat from the comfort of home. The home he shares with his wife, son and unborn child but I guess he has no conscience.

2-timed

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't want a husband that I have to keep checking up on to make sure he's being faithful. Isn't there any man left on this planet that is faithful no matter what?
I have never cheated and have said I never would but I can't keep going through this. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i can say that i'am faithful-no matter what. I too would never cheat. I remember the feeling i felt, when i discovered my g/f years ago was cheating, i promised myself then, to promise any future lady in my life, i would never cheat. I would not be responsible in any way-subecting anybody to that depth or sort of pain,,,



I've been accused of a lot of things, including being a cheat, and a womanizer. I was "soo" dang devoted, faithful, and commited, i wore that sign around my neck saying, "married-do not disturb." lol


just hoping to leave you somewhat encouraged, knowing that there are good men on the planet.


IMO, i think that people can become almost as monsters, strangers,, if and when their own personal needs are not being met and fullfilled. ALthough some will never know or learn they even have needs,,,

Hey, stick around, hang in there and never hesitate to ask questions.


Something i believe in, that once broken, it can become mended-stronger than most are aware.

good luck, hang in there,
stever

Thanks Stever. I know there have to be faithful men out there just like there are faithful women. I need to understand why I chose one that wasn't.

Hey,

i just read your header or title?? "i must be stupid."

Your not stupid.
you are going thru a lot, but your not stupid.
so, now that we have that settlled, and we agree, lets move on and forward,,with positive healthy thoughts.

"IF" anybody is, i'd have to say those involved in cybersex- imo, that sounds opposite of intelligent,, or-maybe i'm missing something.. NOT!!! LOL

2T

by the way YOU ARE NOT STUPID.

It takes guts to stick in a situation like this. I have to say that I am fom the other side of the fence so to speak - I'm the one who cheated - but I have learned a lot & I have only admiration for my H and other BS who have stuck it out as long as they can. Pretty brave people if you ask me.
Good don't ever find 'it' outside M unless you end the M & start over. All you do is hurt yourself and others as well.
But you are on the right track, that excuse not to see a MC is just that. What he is saying is I cheated but I don't want to tell anyone because I may get embarrassed.....so I wanted it known???
See we WS are all much the same, we have much the same script we go through, similar things like 'I love you but not that way' crap, anything to hide from ourselves and the truth.
We say hurtful things, we do hurtful things, before we start to see what we have done. Not all ever come out of it but most do. The trouble of course is that by then, some BS may no longer want us back. I guess its the price you pay isn't it.
I do think there is a very good chance for you & your H BUT he has to be prepared to work on the M. Thats something you may be able to encourage via PLAN A that is described here.
part of that is the Emotional needs questionnaire that both of you should complete as best as you can, its explained here on the site. Be interesting to see if he can ans any of yours right now. I don't think I could have done very well on day 1 of admitting my A to my H, so don't be upset at this but point out what yours are and in what order. He may need to do the same with your list of his needs because you may have his all wrong too.
Don't expect ANYTHING from him for a while, it won't happen and he'll deny deny deny. I was pretty good at that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
IMportant not to get upset at this point its info gathering and DO NOT tell him about plan A or this site yet. Its your resource right now for YOU to start some proactive M building, you know the old saying alls fair in love & etc etc.
Later maybe when or if you are moving along fine in any recovery or he really shows effort in wanting to do something - think positive - you may want to let him know but its something you can decide then.
Now this WILL take time, maybe months of what seems thankless work BUT it can & does work.
Remember read what you can here, read it again, and ask questions, lots of questions.
there is no guarantee in this but MB is a proven method with a good track record, better than stumbling around in the dark lost.
Now, read 2T.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi again,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks Stever. I know there have to be faithful men out there just like there are faithful women. I need to understand why I chose one that wasn't</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thats one of the things the MC had stated to W and I. You both need to figure out why you choose the type you have, so you do not repeat that same mistake. This is not what i went to a MC for.

Later- this MC was into my face saying, "there is nothing wrong with Dv, i'm divorced, and my children are happy. Their step-dad loves them, and they love him!!!"

I thanked her for sharing "her" thoughts/feelings,, added- i'm not here(with all due respect) to hear about your thoughts about Dv,i'm happy for you and yours,,, this is my family,, and i'm faithfully and adamantly against Dv.. This is my family,,, and it's in your hands. I'm Looking/hoping for the required tools etc to get my family where it needs and should be. "Together."

I then added my thoughts about the true impact Dv can/will have on children.

THe following week,during an IC, she was in my face again, telling me to shut-up and listen. She then proceeded to show her certificates from the colleges she attended, recieving erh degrees.

I chose my W,,, although the red flags i seen, i thought i was simply nervous,,,along with thinking that she just never was truly loved,,..??

My W shared with me only "some" of her issues-facts. Shortly after we were married, i was handed a notebook-filled with her thougths/plans on how-why to commit suicide. A few months after that, she accused me of attempting to poison her,,,found out that in her first M, at ten months she was involved in an A, during each and every R she has beenm involved, about 13 to 15 now, every time she brings another man into the picture-before she ends things with her current R. Including her 2 M's/

After she left the M, the accusations continued,

IMO, i chose her, asked her to marry me, i'm still "STANDING" STANDING for the healing of my M.

I promised,,??

i hope that i can shed some sort of comfort to, and with you. or maybe even ust some sort of understanding?? even if it's knowing that your not alone.

We went thru the worse, and now i'm currently trying to, and learning-offering her a much new and betetr R. Trying to get to where few couples ever really learn, that the bond can be so much stronger, even after it's once broken.

stever

T2,

Stever brings up a good point: when shopping for a Marriage Counselor be blunt and to the point: do they support rebuilding marriages? If they stutter and blah blah blah go on about divorce being a "good solution" intead of a "last choice," run from them. Ask if they know about the MB concepts. You may even choose to counsel with Steve Harley via phone.

But hey, you're right about your husband has no way out of counseling this time. He has to air his dirty laundry, all of it, as embarassing as it might be for him, in order to get to the bottom of it.

~ Snow

Stephan,

I admire and respect you. You are a powerful and honorable gentleman.

Do you think that sometimes really good people like yourself and aussieswife are put into the lives of people like your wife and her husband by divine order? Maybe people like them are hurting so badly that your goodness and patience is what they need to survive on this earth??? I know that's a little corny but you two are just so pationate and honest, which is a rare find this day and age.

Hi Rhondadlock


I admire and respect you. You are a powerful and honorable gentleman.

Thank you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

""Do you think that sometimes really good people like yourself and aussieswife are put into the lives of people like your wife and her husband by divine order? ""Maybe people like them are hurting so badly that your goodness and patience is what they need to survive on this earth???""

In some situations, i'm convinced that yes there are those of divine order,,,

When i first met my W, after she had shared her past, i do remember thinking that was why we were brought together,
having to do with divine order,,
for awhile i was even convinced of this,, (thinking that everything happens for a reason.


Not in all cases, there are some who use/abuse and take advantage of ones goodness,,, just my opinion. With some, the goodness,, only drives them away,,????


I'm hoping i'm not leaving the picture of being Mr. innocent, i've had/allowed my times,, i've always remained devoted, faithful and committed though.

***I know that's a little corny but you two are just so pationate and honest, which is a rare find this day and age.***

As i say to my children, there is no such thing as Honest Abe, but if we push like there is, and push to be like Honest Abe, then ones honesty can/will be more towards that of 100%

I'll also add this, one can be too honest, and it goes against them,, this is corny lol

Hoping your day is a Glorious and wonderful one,

stever