After not talking to my husband for a week, I decided to stop by his office to see if he wanted lunch. Well while there, his co-workers told me that he hadn't been to the office in over a week because he was in the hospital. I got very concerned so I left him a voicemail expressing my concern for him. He called back later that day - we ended voicemailing each other for the rest of the day; my schedule was just too busy that I couldn't get to my phone when it rang. He called Thanksgiving morning and we chit-chatted and he finally came clean that he was in the hospital and has been in the hospital for over a week. I drove 3.5 hours to see him and find out what his prognosis was. While up there, we talked about everything and anything. I asked who had brought him to the hospital and he reluctantly told me that the OW had brought him and brought him things that he needed for his stay. Yes, I was upset and let him know it but I did reiterate to him that he was the one that said he wanted an open and honest relationship.

I've been contemplating on writing the OW a letter thanking her for bringing my husband to the hospital. What's you alls take on this? I've always been the type of person to thank people for good deeds, but with her being the OW, I'm at a lost. HELP!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I've been contemplating on writing the OW a letter thanking her for bringing my husband to the hospital. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">IMO, i suppose if it was a matter of life and death, i could find myself thanking the OM, although with me, that would be a dificult and painful thing to "find?"

You mentioned about an open and honest R, to each his/her own. Some are comfortable with this, others simply can not be. It does take all kind-to make the world go round.

If this is something that feels good to you, then do it.

I think if i were to have ever thanked either of the 2 men my W had A's with,,, i'd have to add that personal footnote, sharing my personal and real thoughts. I wouldn't be too nice though.

stever

Thank the OW? For what? Helping to destroy your marriage?

Your husband could have chosen a co-worker, a family member, a friend, a neighbor, anybody else, but he asked her to take him to the hospital. How he got there is no concern of yours at this point (though I wished he would have called YOU). You owe OW nothing.

What would such a letter prove anyway? That you have a big heart and accept that your H can have both you and OW in his life? Not a good idea.

Here's what troubles me, though. You have not spoken to your husband in a week. You are very busy at work, too busy to answer your phone when he is in the hospital and calls. This is not a good stab at Plan A. In fact, if I was your spouse I'd think that there would be no reason to call and let you know I was in the hospital because you wouldn't care enough to pick up the phone anyway.

Long-distance relationships that work are very rare. I don't think your marriage can suffer any additional separation. You're there. He's 3.5 hours away. Where is OW? Does she live where you do, or where your husband is? I will bet you that wherever she is making plenty of time for him, making him feel like numero uno in her life.

I'm not trying to be hard on you for having a career. I have one myself. But marriages need nurturing and care -- at least 15 hours a week of together time, according to Harley -- and right now your marriage is starving.

You say you are willing to move where your H is to make this work. Good. Then do it. No more asking his "permission" because when you eventually talk, he'll say he wants his "space." They all do.

You need to be living under the same roof and relating to each other every day. You need to be learning about each other, getting to know each other again and rediscover the things about each other that drew you to one another in the first place. You need to begin meeting his emotional needs and tipping the balance in your favor.

Of course he'll resist this. Why wouldn't he? His emotional needs are being met fairly well by OW and he doesn't want to risk losing that. He'll have to see that you really mean business and that you're not going to meet his needs for a month or so and then go back to not answering his phone calls.

I'm not saying he has nothing to work on. Of course he does. But Plan A isn't about him. It is about YOU meeting HIS needs and doing everything you can to bring the affair to an end.

Keep posting. If you need more "traffic," there are lots more folks who post over on GQII.

I don't mean to be hard on you, but I am sorely afraid that you are clinging to hope that is based on sand. If you want this marriage to work, then it is you that must take action to save it at this point.

Hang in there.

~ Snow

<small>[ November 27, 2004, 04:54 PM: Message edited by: Snowbelle ]</small>