A little less than 2 months ago I found out that my wife of 27 years had an affair - with an undertaker of all people! Needless to say I am crushed. I want to put our marriage back together and have told her I am committed to doing that. However, she does not seem to want to do anything except feel sorry for herself.

My questions are (1) How long should I give her to begin to show that she wants our marriage to work out? (2) What exactly is going on in her head? We were doing somewhat better until last week and she is back into the "I am not sure I want it to work out mode." I have no idea what happened.

I have read almost everything about healing and forgiving. I have sent her flowers twice. I have constantly told her that I love and desire her. I have constantly gone to her trying to be affectionate and loving. I send her little emails saying I am thinking about her and that I love her. In all of this --- I get nothing in return. Nothing! Not even a response on email.

She says she is depressed and doesn't feel like doing anything except sitting on the couch and sleeping.


(3) What can I do to help her return to the loving lady that I married.

RHR,

Well the most obvious thing is get her to a Doc and see if anti-depressents will help her. Second, keep an I on things to make sure she has stopped contact with the other man, OM. If she is still in contact with him, or even occasional contact she will be in withdrawal and basically start over after each contact.

I would like to urge you to read the articles here on NEEDS and Love Busters they may help with insight into what is and has gone on. Further, you might consider reading about withdrawal from an affair. It is much like an alcoholic goes through.

You will get more advice as the day goes on.

God Bless,

JL

Hi R -

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> (1) How long should I give her to begin to show that she wants our marriage to work out? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not trying to sound smarty, but how long are you willing to wait for her? I didn't really see any 'major' changes in my W's behavior until we'd been in MC for almost 6 months...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> (2) What exactly is going on in her head? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have no idea. Part of what you'll need to learn to do as you rebuild your M is to create a 'safe' place for your W... She must be able to trust your reactions to her. MC will help you learn how to create a safe place for her.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> (3) What can I do to help her return to the loving lady that I married. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Find a pro-marriag MC and start going as soon as you can... You can rebuild your M, but IMHO, if you and your W try to do it on your own, you'll just end up chasing each other around in circles and will never really deal with the issues that must be delt with in order to rebuild your M...

Semper Fi,
RIF

Since I am new here and not really in the best state of mind right now, where do I find the article on withdrawal from an affair?

Try this link...

MB Articles

Semper Fi,
RIF

Exactly what is the feeling sorry for herself feeling? Is it remorse? If you ask me, remorse is good. Is she mourning your relationship and using this time to move on? Is she just overwhelmed with everything? Is there contact? That would be my biggest question.

Time and support. None of this is easy.

I talked to her a little about it last night and she began saying I had forced her to agree to work things out - I did not - and a number of other things going all the way back in our marriage. I can tell she is really angry but for the life of me I don't know at what.

I don't think she has had contact with him but that would make sense. I honestly don't know what is going on. I fear she is simply "getting through" the holidays and will then want a divorce. I am deeply in love with her and don't want this to happen but I have to look at myself too and ask not "Am I willing to work to save my marriage?" rather, I have to ask "Is there any real hope for my marriage?" Right now I think the answer is "no" and that is what is killing me.

RHR,

Have you found a pro-M MC yet?

The feelings that you've described in your new thread are very 'common' and I understand the pain that you are feeling right now.

Semper Fi,
RIF

Rick,

I read this one too.

-AD