I know exactly how you feel. My situation is slightly different, but I too feel like my manhood has been taken. I too want to confront the OM physically ( my best friend ). I know this will not do any good, but I feel like he has attacked me. This is alot different for men, because we vent frustration through physical actions. Hang in there, I will try to also..

I've never seen that you purchased and read "Surviving an Affair". If you wish to make any headway, this is a must.

You must understand the dynamics of an affair, and what you must do to help the affair end, and how to self evaluate your contributions to a marriage that was vulnerable.

Plan A is what you need to understand first and foremost. You can read about it here, starting at the home page.

Don't give up. Your WW is reading right from the WS handbook, and it's remarkable how "same" all these sordid affairs really are.

You've been given good advice in previous posts, and maybe I missed that you've read the book, but until you do, DON'T give up.

Hunker down, prepare yourself for the battle of a lifetime, and embark on a journey that MAY help you save your marriage, but, even if not, WILL make you a bigger, better, stronger individual for moving forward with your life.

Best wishes,
SD

Thank you SD! I see you and I are almost the same age. I know I have to "get control" of the situation and quit sitting around waiting for her decision. And, I have done that - which brought about the comments from the other night.

Also, I have read extensively on this website but have not purchased the book you mentioned. I have looked for it locally but since I could not find it simply let it slide. I will go to Amazon or someplace and order it.

RHR,

Hi. I finally found your thread - forgot you were posting on JFO forum.

When my w first starting talking about divorce, a few years ago <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I was shocked by it at first too. I wanted to do something to stop it. However, I have found that there is a lot of talk before there is action. Don't let her talk throw you into despare (sp?).

Although you say the A is over, I would bet you $10 against a hundred that they are still in contact with each other - and that she is thinking of D as a path toward getting together with him.

You need Exposure!

You need surveilance (sp?).

*But, Don't ever tell her how you find things out.*

You cannot let her sit in her comfy spot and drive this boat onto the rocks. You need to be driving.

As I wrote to you by email, in my exprience, when I am taking action it makes me feel better immediately.

Fear can be paralizing. If you are afraid of the future, you may find yourself unable to take action. One thing that is really helpful is to imagine your life after divorce - and think about all the positives and not only the negatives. When you come to the point where you realize that you will be OK - D or no D - then you will have overcome the fear.

Do contact me if you want to talk. You have my number and email.

-AD

Here is what I have done ...

(1) I spoke with a lawyer about the situation. I am not going to sit and let her continue to as you put it - "drive this boat onto the rocks." I am beginning the process of the big "D."

(2) I will speak with the lawyer again on Thursday of this week.

(3) I have begun to gather my things together and sort through the stuff I want.

(4) I have given her a first-cut list of "things that I want" and her first reaction is that it is "very reasonable." Since I have thought about it, I am going to amend it a little bit. I am not interested in leaving her pennyless - I only want my fair share.

(5) She doesn't know it, but I am now driving this ship. I am giving her 1 last chance to go to counceling - if she doesn't then I will continue the paper work.

(6) Although I am watching it, I do not believe she is one to run up a lot of debt and hide money and neither am I.

I still love her very much and would take her back in a heartbeat if she wanted it, but as you know, it takes two.

In a real sense I am at peace with my decision. I guess after I got over the shock of the affair I realized that this was a possibility. I am saddened that after 27 years she does not even want to try. Bit, I know I have done everything I could to prevent the divorce and have tried everything to get her to try and work things out. But, as I have said for many months, "one trying and one crying won't fix anything."

Any sweet ladies want to talk to a romantic Christain guy who will love you, take care of you and be proud of you? I know where you might find one! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

One thing I can say --- holidays are a lot less expensive now! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

RHR,

Things are going quickly downhill for me too. I was feeling a bit better that I was taking some control of the situation. Right now, not so sure.

We have a 4-year-old daughter. It will be extremely painful to be seperated from her.

RHR, I hope you are able to have a good relationship with your kids. Take care of yourself. Give me a call or email anytime.

-AD

Hey RHR

Like you I am ADHD also. Not sure if that had anything to do with WH A or not. I know I have trouble staying on task and finishing thingsbut have always tried to be the best wife I couold be. Things will get easier. I have given up on knowing that there is something else I can do. I have left it up to God and so far everything is happening the way it should. A fell apart left him feeling very guilty but hasn't confessed and isn't sure that I know for sure. Just got the cell phone bill and it just made me sick seeing all the contact there has been. But he is still not sure he wants to come home. Just hang in there and keep praying.

stew4me:

Thanks for your advice. I know that all I can do is pray. I prayed that Christ would "break" us and build us back together as the Christian couple we should be. It was a couple of days later that she told me for sure she wanted a divorce. Is that an answer to prayer? I don't know but I can only trust Him.

As for ADHD, I take medication for that and it seems to help some but we have gotten to the point where nothing I do seems to please her. I believe that she is dealing with other internal problems and is blaming the closest person to her for all her problems. Some of the things she says are straight from "the list" of things that other WS have said. One side of me wants to stay there and see her through this phase of her life but the other side says that unless she is willing to at least try, there is really nothing I can do. My hope is that when we do go through with this, she will get on her own, realize her mistakes and come back. Please don't think that I believe I am totally blameless here - I know that over 27 years I have done or not done things that were not right. I know I need to make some changes in my life too but, I never was unfaithful to her and I have always been there for her.

I guess it is a pipe dream when I say I hope she will "see the light and come back." But that dream is all I have left to hold on to right now. If she doesn't come back, I know that Christ will have someone else for me and that this person will be the wife I always wanted because I'll be the husband she always wanted.

As for now, although I am hanging in there like a rusty fish hook. I have spoken to a lawyer and am working with my wife to come up with a reasonable split of our stuff. This is killing me but I can't sit back and do nothing.