Although I'm sure the same story is out here (I've not read everything, it's just too big!), I am reaching out here for some semblance of sanity. I have been married 11 years with two great kids (though one is ADHD). In my job I travel quite a bit and often do not know week to week where I'm going nor how long I will stay. My wife currently, and for the last two years, spends all her time on the 'net in chat rooms, writers boards, and IM. I began poking about on the side on her PC since I felt there was something going on, and lo! I found several things that told me I was no longer Number One. I confronted her with it and needless to say she was defensive and wanted to separate. We hashed it out a bit and decided to stay together to work things out, especially for the kids, but she has not really changed her habits.

She told me, during the confrontation, that I had displayed a lack of trust and that she did not know if she could ever trust me again. I have suggested counselling, but she has steadfastly refused, as has my request that we start going back to church.

Now I am biding my time, giving her the space that she's requested, even involved myself with some of her writing activities, but it has not been enough. There is no intimacy, no true sharing of feelings, and walk about most days wondering which day she will decide to leave me.

She basically ignores me and the kids in favor of her on-line activities, many of which are legitimate, some of which are questionable, yet for now they are out of bounds for discussion. After all, she says, these are harmless friendly relationships. Of course, most all of them are men, since she loves men and says she gets along with them better than women.

I have been told many times that I am almost the perfect husband - I have never cheated on her, struck her or the kids, I love her with all my heart and soul, I'm fit and not bad looking, and I provide a fine living. Her old friends (she never talks to them anymore) and even her family agree that she is making a HUGE mistake and have tried to talk to her (gently, she is very sensitive about her new life), but it has made little difference in her behavior.

I have been scanning the 'net trying to find out what I can or should do. The funny thing is, most of the sites that discuss what I'm going through are topics for women with cheating husbands. I want to grow old with her, but I am almost empty of feelings and emotion. My days are neither really good nor really bad, except those times when I let the realization of what is happening hits me, then I want to cry.

I have seen references to marriage-help books, and wonder if this highly-touted and expensive books are worth the trouble.

<small>[ December 04, 2004, 02:43 AM: Message edited by: Topher42 ]</small>

Hello,

Sorry that you have to be here. First, it is very typical for a cheating spouse to try to turn it around on you by saying you invaded her privacy.
It is an old trick called diversion. The fact is that she has been having inappropriate communications with men on the net. How do you think she would be responding to you spending all of your free time chatting appropriately and inappropriately with other women all of the time?

So many internet emotional affairs become physical affairs because of the fantasy involved and it is very destructive to the marriage. I would strongly suggest marriage counseling. If she refuses, then make it clear there are consequences to her behavior. It sounds like you are receiving very little from this marriage with her addiction to men on the internet. It is very disrespectful to you and your relationship. It sounds like there are no boundaries for her and she feels confident that you will continue to beg her to stay no matter what she does. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Maybe you should let reality hit her in the face. I wish you luck.

Sorry to hear you are giong through such a roller coaster. I'm in a similiar boat myself, but I've been through what seems a nightmare only to be out-done by television dramas.

I too was traveling for work. One day, I came home to find that my wife of 5 STRONG years had been involved with a much, much older man. In any case, the details got really ugly and it was very painful.

We decided to start again and relocate to another state wanting to leave the past behind. But this event rears its head everytime she is late returning home from work or when she goes on to discuss things about a close male co-worker, or when she insists that she needs to wear a mini-skirt to work because it makes her feel "alive"??? Yes, it doesnt sound very good. Only one issue is that, in our desire to restart our marriage we decided to begin a family and now have a beautiful 2 year old daughter.

I believe her ways have changed very subtly, but wonder if it was only skin deep? I believe some things are not meant to change? any thoughts?

Topher,

So much of dealing with infidelity is counter intuitive (meaning that it doesn't "feel" right) that it's not unusual for a BS to do all the wrong things in response. I feel badly for saying this...but if you are going to change this situation...you are going to have to respond differently. Let me explain.

She told me, during the confrontation, that I had displayed a lack of trust and that she did not know if she could ever trust me again.

hmmmm YOU had displayed a lack of trust? Didn't you find this hypocritical? This is typical WS rhetoric to reverse the blame. Don't buy it. It's essential, that you let your wife know that you merely "exposed her breach of trust" and that while she was "trustworthy" you never invaded her privacy, but that you have a RIGHT to protect yourself and your marriage from her extracurricular activities.

I have suggested counselling, but she has steadfastly refused, as has my request that we start going back to church.

Again, typical. Doing either of these things...counseling OR church will mean coming face to face with her actions. She doesn't want to do that....but further...she doesn't want to CHANGE.

Now I am biding my time, giving her the space that she's requested, even involved myself with some of her writing activities, but it has not been enough. There is no intimacy, no true sharing of feelings, and walk about most days wondering which day she will decide to leave me.

When a spouse says they need "space" that is another way of saying I need time to pursue my affair. She may desire space...because that's the only way she can continue to get the A-drug...but it won't help this situation. You need to mount a real PLAN A. Please go read everything you can find on this site about it.

She basically ignores me and the kids in favor of her on-line activities, many of which are legitimate, some of which are questionable, yet for now they are out of bounds for discussion. After all, she says, these are harmless friendly relationships. Of course, most all of them are men, since she loves men and says she gets along with them better than women.

In marriage, activities are not "out of bounds" for discussion...if they are...then there are huge red flags! People with nothing to hide...hide nothing. It is inappropriate for your wife to be chatting with men online if you feel uncomfortable about it. And you SHOULD feel uncomfortable about it becausse your marriage is in deep trouble and unless you confront this issue...it will continue to be. You have got to stop being afraid of your wife's reaction long enough to save your marriage.

I have been told many times that I am almost the perfect husband - I have never cheated on her, struck her or the kids, I love her with all my heart and soul, I'm fit and not bad looking, and I provide a fine living. Her old friends (she never talks to them anymore) and even her family agree that she is making a HUGE mistake and have tried to talk to her (gently, she is very sensitive about her new life), but it has made little difference in her behavior.

More red flags...more typical behavior.

There are some books that are worth the trouble, but I think you need coaching, because you are allowing your wife to make this about you...when she is the one with the addiction.

Let me ask you this....when you looked at her computer...what did you find that let you know you aren't number one? Is she talking "love" with any of these guys? Has she stopped contact with any of them?

Welcome ot the forum....sorry you're here.

((((((((((((((topher)))))))))))

Topher,
Star*fish seems to be on point with all the observations made that are your reality. I offer some additional comments for your consideration.

It makes it extremely difficult to patch a marriage when only one of you comes to the table. So, how do you get your W to come to the table? You should consider building a plan that will accomplish this goal and at the same time make it as easy as possible for her to extend love to you. In other words, you need to make deposits to her love bank without making withdraws. Please read the Marriage Builder concepts outlined in this website, especially the sections dealing with affairs. Gain an understanding of what causes affairs to happen. You will see many similarities to your own situation. Please be aware that I am no marriage counselor and that if you can make it happen, a good PRO-MC is your best solution and best chance to restore your marriage.

Let’s take a further peak at your reality.

First, her internet chatting with men is an act of infidelity. She is having an affair. There is no middle ground on this. There is no rationalization that she can make that will change that reality. If she has not yet had a physical affair (PA), I would suggest that given time and opportunity that physical affair(s) are likely, but be prepared that a PA has already happened. These are hardly, harmless, friendly relationships.

Second, her inability to acknowledge to you that she is even doing anything wrong shows that she could be deeply addicted to her newfound friends or more accurately deeply addicted to the emotional support they provide her. She is in denial much the same as an alcoholic might be in denial. The emotional support that she receives from her internet buddies makes her feel warm, cared for and connected much the same way that alcoholic enjoys each successive drink and she (like an alcoholic) will not likely just "give it up".

Third, her habits are destroying your marriage. With each successive day that she connects with these people she is sucking the life from you. Soon, you will be an empty husk. Your defense mechanisms will eventually teach you how to fall out of love with your W. From your post you sound like a person that wants to restore your marriage and not be taught how to live without it.

She will likely deny all three bullets outlined above so I don’t know if you should try to dump the reality on her. I kind of think this is something that she needs to understand the on her own; perhaps someone else will comment on this. All you can do is to create the environment that will make this information available to her when she wants it or is ready for it. Her defence mechanisms will reject most information that comes from you as she recognizes your vested interest to destroy that which she loves, her internet circle.

It would seem that the first thing you must accomplish is to create environment that fosters dialogue between you both. It is obviously very difficult to begin a path for repairs if you are not even talking. Remember, that if at all possible, always frame your discussions in such a way that you are hopefully making deposits to her love bank (read all about the love bank in this website) and at the very least not making withdraws. It is the time for complete honesty (called radical honesty here). Be forthcoming in your feeling and encourage her to do the same. If she does, be prepared for some painful admissions, so when they occur try to be as understanding as you can be, no angry outbursts, no blame, just understanding. You want her to feel comfortable telling you what she feels.

You should consider finding out what her most essential emotional needs are and then make sure that you are addressing them. Right now, they are being filled by someone else and that someone else should be YOU.

Once you get to this point the next step is to help her understand that contact with her internet buddies is wrong and must stop, but that is for latter (hopefully, sooner).

You must also start asking yourself a key question and that question is: Why did this affair happen? Why do you think it happened?

The path is long and the bar is high. But I will tell you, that the things discussed here are working for me and if you read the forum posts you will see that they have worked for others too, often times resulting in marriages that are stronger and more loving then before.

I wish you great success,
Mr. G

**********edited by JustUss********

iinfidelity,

No solicitation!!

If you would like more information about advertising on the Marriage Builders web site, please contact:

Steven W. Harley, M.S.
Marriage Builders, Inc.
6 5 1 . 7 6 9 . 0 9 9 9
webmaster@marriagebuilders.com

<small>[ January 03, 2005, 09:06 PM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>

Topher42,

Many on this forum have used a key logger type of spyware to read the emails the WS is sending.

Sounds like you are at an impasse until you can get the goods on her and expose her addiction. If there are EAs which it sounds like, or a PA which there could be, there must be a confrontation. It will either go north or south.

My FWW started with chat rooms just to occupy her time, met the OM, chatted, then phoned, then he would fly into town and they would meet for sexual holidays at the local Best Western while I was at work. This was over a 21/2 year period.

I found the emails on a memorial Dday 05/31/04. NC occurred the same time.

CHAT ROOMS ARE THE DEVILS PLAYGROUND!!

Don't get me started.

k

Onegoing,

Can't you get rid of this iinfidelity joker?

k

<small>[ December 07, 2004, 06:52 PM: Message edited by: krusht ]</small>