My wife recently admitted to a series of one night stands over the couple of years. It started 2 yrs ago in Bannf, Canada while on one of her "just the girls" getaway trips. She spent one night night snuggled by the hotel fire holding hands and talking with a man she met there.

She claims she didn't have sex with him, but he did ask her to go with him on the rest of his trip, so they must have gotten pretty close as that night -- sex or no sex. After he was gone, my wife told her sister than if the guy hadn't left the next day, she likely would have slept with him.

So whether they had sex or not, it's painful for me to think of my wife being intimate with this man from Belgium while I was home taking care of our family.

My problem is that my wife still wears her souvenir sweatshirts etc. from her trips to Bannf. Every time I see her in one, my mind leaps to a vision of my wife cuddled up by the fire with some stranger. I don't think she's trying to hurt me by wearing these items, but it hurts me every time she does.

I want to ask her to eliminate these reminders from her wardrobe completely. Would that be an unreasonable demand?

I don't think it would be unreasonable....everytime I see my husband in something from the OW I want to rip it up...I am trying to think of ways to substitute the items he has gotten from her with something from me. Like you could buy her something that is similar to the things she wears but doesn't have any connection to the place and time...like a new sweatshirt or t-shirt from her favorite store or what ever..I don't think it is unreasonable to have her get rid of the stuff cause she is probably clinging on to the time she had there unconciously....not willing to let it all go.....I don't know though...I am no expert

Hello,

Of course it would not be an unreasonalbe demand.
Your wife is being extremely insensitive if not downright mean spirited to your pain. Ask her if the roles were reversed and you spend the night cuddling with some woman on a vacation trip and admitted you would have slept with her the next night if she stayed; if your wife would be comfortable you wearing clothes and other souvenirs from this trip. How could you not think about her betrayal when you her in clothes from this trip? I am sorry but it seems impossible to believe that your wife is unaware how disrespectful it is to you. It sounds like it is deliberate. How could it not be?

Okay here is what I did, after I discovered the weekend away, I took it upon myself out of total disgust and threw everything away, the suitcase, the clothes, it was suppose to be a business trip, I had this icky that I didn't want any of her bodily fluids near me, I went as far as throwing away all his underwear and buying him new. Cancelled the credit card, that really pissed him off, I feel no remorse for doing these things as I was sooooooooooooo hurt and had to do something unhurtful phsically to myself or someone else, and then there was the burning party, emails, receipts, more emails, cards my husband had given me that meant nothing anymore, figured it was better than burning down the house lol. Any way I don't think it is unreasonalble for you to want these reminders of the A, your feelings in my mind are normal, I washed all the sheets I was just cleaning like a mad woman as if my safe place had been invaded by filth. The mind is something else sometimes but I hurt no one and material things just mean nothing to me. Sorry for the rant I just so connected with what you are feeling, and I don't think what I did was crazy, I thought it was constructive. My 2 cents and hugs to you.

I agree with star, hire a PI or get some help investivating. Pretend you believe him so he won't go underground. My own dad told me to watch that there could be an OW #2, different from the first, and he would know, he was a serial cheater.

Ironman,

Do you compete? Just curious.

I would sit down with her and tell her that you would prefer that she gets rid of the "reminder". Not only does it hurt but it's a slap in the face. Ask her if she likes to inflict pain onto you because that is exactly what she is doing by flaunting around the house in it? Ask her if she really needs to keep it? If she is unreasonable? Then explain in full depth that it really hurts you. If she refuses to dispose the shirt? Then do the laundry and through it in with the whites with tons of bleach! Whoops! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Sorry baby, it was an accident. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Are you both in any type of counseling? The fact that she was going to sleep with this guy is a big red flag that definitely needs to be addressed. Not that snuggling on the sofa with some stranger isn't. But that there were no boundies, lack of respect, etc.

I know what you are going through with the triggers. Especially her flaunting that shirt as if it was no big deal. Ouch. My H. doted over the ow for about a year and asked my sister if I was actually prettier than the ow? What nerve. So I can sympathize with you 100%
Are you being unreasonable? ABSOLUTELY NOT! You are entitled to that request.

Keep us posted and good luck.

Ali~

<small>[ December 04, 2004, 08:29 PM: Message edited by: Ali88 ]</small>

Thanks for all the input. I'll talk to her about it.

I'm certain she's not acting out of malice, though. She's just not like that. More than likely she just doesn't realize that it's a trigger for me.

I'll tell her.

Hello Ironman!

I wish you the all the luck. I am glad that you think she is not acting out of malice. That is the important key.
Please keep us posted on how the talk went. And I hope the out come is a good one. It is nice to read some success stories on this message board


Good luck & I'll be thinking of you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Ali~

Hey you never did answer my question. Do compete in tri's?

Update: I brought it up last night. Without a word, she got up, went upstairs, came down with the offending items and tried to toss them in the fireplace. I stopped her because I didn't think it was safe, so she threw them in th etrash instead.

She was mad at me, for not telling her sooner. And at herself for not realizing it would upset me.

I explained my reason for not bringing it up before: it's just one of many, many triggers. We can't possibly eliminate them all, so I need to live with them if at all possible.

Anyway, the Bannf souvenir trigger has been eliminated, so we can keep working on our recovery.

I wouldn't call us a success story yet, but I'm convinced we will be one day. Every setback we have reinforces my conviction to keep working.

Congrats on the success of the bringing it up. I bet it is nice to have someone who wants to work on staying together. Good luck.

Myrtle, it is nice to have the luxury of a spouse who also wants to make it work. I read the stories of others on here and wonder how the BS copes when the WS is still screwing around. I don't think I'd be strong enough to handle that.

But I love her more than life, and I believe in the MB program so I'm convinced that if we stick to it, we'll get through this and be stronger than we were before. We both belive we can make it work together.